Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

Patches O'Houlihan:
If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

Patches O'Houlihan:
If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.

White Goodman:
Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.

Peter La Fleur:
Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.

White Goodman:
Yeah, you will take your chances.

Peter La Fleur:
I know. I just said that.

White Goodman:
I know you just said that.

Peter La Fleur:
I'm not sure where you're going with this.

White Goodman:
I'm not sure where you're going with this.

Peter La Fleur:
That's what I said.

White Goodman:
That's what I'm saying to you.

Peter La Fleur:
All right.

White Goodman:
Touché.

White Goodman:
Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY.

Peter La Fleur:
Kate, it's time for you to put your mouth where our balls are.

Lance Armstrong:
Hey, aren't you Peter La Fleur?

Peter La Fleur:
Lance Armstrong!

Lance Armstrong:
Ya, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.

Peter La Fleur:
Really?

Lance Armstrong:
Ya, I've been watching the dodgeball tournament on the Ocho. ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. Good luck in the tournament. I'm really pulling for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late.

Peter La Fleur:
Uh, actually I decided to quit... Lance.

Lance Armstrong:
Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?

Peter La Fleur:
Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.

Lance Armstrong:
Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't anything to regret for the rest of their life. Well good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.

White Goodman:
I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you.

White Goodman:
Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!

Peter La Fleur:
You're right, White. I can't make you sell back my gym, so I'll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling state of Globo Gym.

White Goodman:
That's perpostrous! I'd never allow it.

Kate Veatch:
Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company and there's nothing you can do about it.

Peter La Fleur:
So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe's Gym!

Peter La Fleur:
I'm your new boss, White.

White Goodman:
You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself!

Peter La Fleur:
You're fired, pal.

Dwight:
Bad morning, boss?

Peter La Fleur:
They usually follow good nights, Dwight.

White Goodman:
That's pure floppycock

Patches O'Houlihan:
Come on! I've got better runs in my shorts!

Dwight:
Bad morning boss?

Peter La Fleur:
They usually follow good nights, Dwight.

White Goodman:
This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?

Peter La Fleur:
Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, White.

White Goodman:
You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.

Peter La Fleur:
Oh, hey White.

White Goodman:
Yeah?

Peter La Fleur:
You look awful fat in those pants.

Kate Veatch:
For instance, do you realize you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months?

Peter La Fleur:
Hmmm...

Kate Veatch:
I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?

Peter La Fleur:
I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal.

Kate Veatch:
Well I guess that makes sense in a really sad way.

White Goodman:
Your "gym" is a skidmark on the underpants of society.

White Goodman:
Oh, hello, Kate. I wasn't aware I was paying you to "socialize".

Kate Veatch:
You're not. I'm off the clock.

White Goodman:
Well, isn't that convenient for you? And the clock.

Young Patches O'Houlihan:
Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.

Patches O'Houlihan:
It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there.

White Goodman:
Cram it up your cramhole, LaFleur!

White Goodman:
You happy? Fatty make a funny?

Kate Veatch:
You don't get to touch me, ever!

Peter La Fleur:
Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure this is completely necessary?

Patches O'Houlihan:
Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?

Peter La Fleur:
Probably not.

Patches O'Houlihan:
No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.

Peter La Fleur:
...Okay.

Patches O'Houlihan:
Always remember the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!

White Goodman:
And they love you. Whoo, do they love you. You're their Fonzie, Pete. "Heeeeey." Right?

White Goodman:
This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.

Peter La Fleur:
Not nearly as much as your hair does.

Peter La Fleur:
Hey, White. I didn't think that Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?

White Goodman:
Yes, I did.

Cotton McKnight:
And the Average Joe's beat the Germans in a *shocking* upset.

Pepper Brooks:
I feel *shocked*.

Patches O'Houlihan:
My sweet dick, it's magic!

Cotton McKnight:
I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.

Pepper Brooks:
It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.

Cotton McKnight:
In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.

Pepper Brooks:
He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.

Pepper Brooks:
Pepper needs new shorts, Cotton!

Cotton McKnight:
Right you are, Pep.

White Goodman:
Donde esta la biblioteca, Pedro?

Peter La Fleur:
What?

White Goodman:
I'm thinking of opening a new Globo Gym down in Mexico City, so I've been boning up on my Spanish.

Patches O'Houlihan:
You're about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.

White Goodman:
Here at Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it.

White Goodman:
What about when you slept with three of my female trainers?

Peter La Fleur:
That was only one night.

White Goodman:
What about the time you sent me a stripper for Globo-Gym's one year anniversary.

Peter La Fleur:
The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.

White Goodman:
Yes, but it was also a man!

Peter La Fleur:
Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.

White Goodman:
We should mate.

Kate Veatch:
What?

White Goodman:
Date! We should date some time. Socially. Go out and kick it.

White Goodman:
Are you okay?

Kate Veatch:
I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

White Goodman:
In some cultures, they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it... *in a book*.

Peter La Fleur:
Thank you Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris:
No Peter, thank you

White Goodman:
Suck failure, freaks.

White Goodman:
Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver.

Steve the Pirate:
Steve's gotta go drain the sea-monster.

Peter La Fleur:
You had me at blood and semen.

Dwight:
We could sell blood and semen.

Dwight:
What? Not mixed together.

Cotton McKnight:
Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.

Pepper Brooks:
Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.

Kate Veatch:
That... is a really interesting painting.

White Goodman:
Thank you. Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns. It's how I handle business. It's a metaphor.

Kate Veatch:
I get it.

White Goodman:
But that actually happened, though.

White Goodman:
There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.

Cotton McKnight:
It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.

Peter La Fleur:
Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?

Justin:
Yeah. Why?

Peter La Fleur:
Nothing. High school's changed a bit since I was a kid.

Cotton McKnight:
It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.

Pepper Brooks:
I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.

Dwight:
I told you she was a lesbian.

Peter La Fleur:
Wow. Good call.

Kate Veatch:
Hey! I'm not a lesbian.

Peter La Fleur:
You're not?

Kate Veatch:
No. I'm bisexual.

Dwight:
Snap.

Justin:
Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?

Steve the Pirate:
Garrr! Joe's be the only place for me!

Patches O'Houlihan:
There's a room full of guys and a lezbo counting on you!

Pepper Brooks:
Effin' A, Cotton, Effin' A!

Patches O'Houlihan:
All I know is that dyke can play!

Cotton McKnight:
Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!

White Goodman:
Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade... Laser... Blazer...

Kate Veatch:
Are you reading the dictionary?

White Goodman:
Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.

Cotton McKnight:
Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra. A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup, World Series and World War II combined.

White Goodman:
Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was.

White Goodman:
That's me, White. W-H-I-T... E.

White Goodman:
You're going down like a sweet muffin!

White Goodman:
At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it.

Patches O'Houlihan:
Sometimes you gotta grab life by the haunches and hump it into submission.

White Goodman:
Well, that's it. Good guy wins. Bad guy loses. Big freagin' surprise. That's the problem with the American cinema: Can't handle any complexity. "Whoa! Don't make me think!"

White Goodman:
We ARE the Globo Gym Purple Cobras... and we will, we will, rock you!

Cotton McKnight:
Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.

Pepper Brooks:
They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

Peter La Fleur:
You must be "daddy"...

Peter La Fleur:
There's someone out there for everybody.

Owen:
You think?

Peter La Fleur:
Absolutely. In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".

Kate Veatch:
I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.

Peter La Fleur:
Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?

Kate Veatch:
Sexual harassment, mostly.

White Goodman:
Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders.

White Goodman:
Do you smell that fitness? I do.

Patches O'Houlihan:
I love the smell of queef in the morning.

Owen:
I'm gonna catch up with you guys later. I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink... in the bathroom.

Dwight:
Whatever you do, wash your hands.

Cotton McKnight:
We haven't seen Average Joe's yet. They haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy, or something worse.

Pepper Brooks:
They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. Their absence is noticeable.

Cotton McKnight:
Do you believe in unlikelihoods? Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym in the championship match. Unbelievable. I have been to the Great Wall of China. I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt. I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here.

Pepper Brooks:
Ooh, Ouchtown, population you, bro!

Steve the Pirate:
Yarr, I be the dread pirate Steve!

Owen:
Wait, you're telling me that there's a guy who dresses like a pirate on our team?

Peter La Fleur:
Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end.

Justin:
Thanks, Pete.

Peter La Fleur:
You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.

White Goodman:
Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky. In her home country of Romanovia, dodgeball is the national sport and her nuclear power plant's team won the championship five years running, which makes her the deadliest woman on earth with a dodgeball.

[Patches has everyone lined up to explain the strategies of dodgeball]

Patches:
If you're gonna learn to be true dodgeballers, then you've gotta learn the five D's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge! If you master the five D's, no amount of balls on earth can hit you. [Justin raises his hand] Queerbait, go ahead.

Justin:
Um, me? Or...I--Um...shouldn't we learn by...y'know, like dodging balls that are thrown at us, or...?

Patches:
That's what this sack of wrenches is for. [empties the sack] If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

Justin:
What?

[Patches hurls a wrench in Justin's face, and he screams in pain]

Patches:
Any other questions?

Justin:
[screams] Oh, my God! [still writhing in agony on the floor]

Peter:
Uh, Patches, is this really necessary?

Patches:
Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?

Peter:
Probably not.

Patches:
No! But I do it anyway, 'cause it's sterile and I like the taste!

Peter:
...Okay...

Cotton:
It appears that Average Joe's is forfeiting the final match.

Pepper:
That's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.

Kate:
[Kate throws a dodgeball underhand, breaking off the head of the White Goodman cutout. The rest of the team stares at her] What? Eight years of softball.

Dwight:
Man, she gotta be a lesbian!

Peter:
She's not a lesbian.

Patches:
All I know is that dyke can play!

[after watching Gordon throw a ball that missed a slowly moving target]

Patches:
You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat! Where's your killer instinct, son? You gotta get angry! You gotta get MEAN! That's the only way you can play!

Gordon:
Well, I guess I'm not really an angry person.

[Patches punches Gordon in the crotch and watches as he collapses]

Patches:
Are you angry now?

Cotton:
It looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.

Pepper:
Yeah, he will not be able to see very well, Cotton.

Peter:
You want to join the cheerleaders to prove to a girl that you are not a loser?

Justin:
Yeah, why?

Peter:
Nothing. It's just... I guess high school's changed a lot since I was a kid.

Peter:
Alliteration aside, I think I'll take my chances.

White Goodman:
Yeah, you will take your chances.

Peter:
I know. I just said that.

White Goodman:
I know you just said that.

Peter:
I'm not sure where you're going with this.

White Goodman:
I'm not sure where you're going with this.

Peter:
That's what I said.

White Goodman:
That's what I'm saying to you.

Peter:
Okay.

White Goodman:
...Touché.

Kate:
Don't worry about him, Justin, he's a jerk.

Dwight:
Yeah, he'll probably fall off the rollercoaster and break every bone in his body.

Kate:
Nice, Dwight.

Dwight:
I'm just saying, it happens. My cousin Ray-Ray, boop. Dead.

[Peter is the only player in his team left to fight off the girl scouts in the regional qualifying match. Tired of the brats, he hurls the ball, knocking a scout to the ground]

Peter:
I'm so sorry, are you okay?

Girl Scout:
Why would you hit a girl? WHY?

Peter:
I'm so sorry, really.

[another girl scout whacks Peter out with a ball]

Referee:
Winner: Troop 417!

Girl Scout:
In your face! In your face!

Peter:
You're adopted. Your parents don't even love you.

Peter:
I think the lady asked you to leave.

White Goodman:
This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.

Peter:
Not nearly as much as your hair does, that's for sure.

Kate:
Joyce?

Joyce:
Kate!

Kate:
What are you doing here? I thought you were in Guam.

Joyce:
I caught an earlier fIight, I wouldn't have miss this for the world!

Kate:
You are amazing. (kisses Joyce passionately)

Dwight:
I told you she was a lesbian.

Peter:
Wow. Good call.

Kate:
Hey! I'm not a lesbian.

Peter:
You're not?

Kate:
No. I'm bisexual. (kisses Peter)

Dwight:
Oh, snap!

[The scene switches to the Average Joe's team including Steve donning his uniform and pirate attire standing together for a picture.]

Peter:
Everyone, smile big for the camera!

[The Average Joe's smile and they're on the cover for the Obscure Sports Quarterly with the title Average Joe's Wins it All. On the bottom of the front cover shows a small expose on White's Globo Gym dodgeball team and why America loathes him.]

[The Girls Scouts Team:
Troop 417 are smug and anticipating being declared eligible until a man runs up to the stage with a note card for the announcer to read, alarmed by what he found.]

Announcer:
I'm sorry, we have a bit of a problem here.

Girl Scout Troop 417:
Huh?

Announcer:
Unfortunately for Troop 417, during the ADAA-required random drug screening, one of your player's urine tested positive for three separate types of anabolic steroids, and a low-grade beaver tranquilizer. I'm afraid by rule, your team must be disqualified.

[Peter is smug as most of the Girls Scouts, troop 417 stare in anger at a large, well-built girl scout with a mustache and hairy arms named Bernice who got them disqualified for doing just that. A member of the girls scout walks over to her furious.]

Girl Scout:
God damn you, Bernice!

[Enraged, she throws her cap at Bernice for getting their team disqualified and walks off. and Bernice begins crying in a deep voice]

Announcer:
By the power vested in me, I declared the winner of this year's Dodgeball regional qualified tournament and grammar jamboree to be... Average Joe's Gym!

[Average Joe's Team began to cheering]]

Girl Scout #2:
You lied!

[All of the Girl Scout Troop 417 leaves, Bernice crying continues.]

Peter:
Thank you, Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris:
Thank you Peter.

Globo Gym Announcer:
Tired of the same old you? Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? Tired of being overweight and under-attractive?

White:
[finishing a ride on the skis] Yeah! Oh, hello. I'm White Goodman, Owner, Operator, and Founder of Globo Gym America Corp, and I'm here to tell you that you don't have to be stuck with what you got.

[a buffed Globo Gym member is lifting weights]

White:
Hey, Rory. Looking good.

Rory:
Thanks.

White:
Here at Globo Gym, we understand that Ugliness and Fatness are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it. [climbing on the rocky wall; grunts] And that's where we come in. [cackling] Globo Gym employs a highly-trained, quasi-cultural staff of personal alterational specialists. And with our competitively-priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a Franken-fine! [wheels out a bandaged-like-a-mummy person in a wheelchair] Of course you'll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us. How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym. I'm also a client. [a picture of a 600-pound White Goodman from 14 years ago] That's me. Six years and 600 pounds ago... before I knew how much I hated myself. But that all changed once I founded Globo Gym. But don't just take my word for it. Listen to these Globo-Gymers tell you how it is.

[The scene switches to Peter's dog walking in the living room, revealing Peter sleeping on the couch.]

White:
Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back for all of King Midas' silver. The gym is mine! So you can take your band of yellow-bellied losers and just crawl on outta here!

Peter:
You're right. I can't make you sell back my gym, so I'll just take your advice and invest in something. Say... the controlling stake of Globo Gym.

White:
That's preposterous! I'd never allow it.

Kate:
Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company, there's nothing you can do about it.

Peter:
So, I would control Globo Gym and... everything that Globo Gym owns. Which as of last night is Average Joe's Gym!

[Average Joe's Team cheering, alongside Fran who is with Owen. White is furious upon learning that Globo Gym now belongs to Average Joe's.]

Peter:
I'm your new boss, White.

White:
You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself!

Peter:
You're fired, pal.

White:
You-- You can't do anything to me! You're going down, La Fleur! You're going down like a sweet muffin!

Me'Shell:
(another buff member of the Globo Gym Purple Cobras is seen restraining White) Another time, another time.

White:
You suck, LaFleur! (Walks away with his team minus Fran and steals a kid's hot dog) Give me that. (chows down on the hot dog.)

[Steve shows up having cleaned himself up and faces Peter in the middle of the celebration.]

Steve:
I just want to say I thought about what you said and you were right I'm not really a pirate.

Peter:
I don't know, Steve. If you're not really a pirate, who will I share this buried treasure with?

[The Casino Host opens up the treasure chest to reveal the $5 million Peter won off a long shot bet he made on Average Joe's to win.]

Steve:
(Reverting back to the lovable pirate he is) Gar! Peter?

Peter:
Gar, Steve.

[Peter and a few of the guys spy on the bikini clad girls hosting a car wash across the street which attracts more customers than the Average Joe's Gym All Male Car Wash.]

Owen:
What are the chances on the same day right across the street?

Peter:
Come on. Those girls beat us fair and square. I for one will be a gentleman and go over to congratulate each and every one of them. Hi, purple.

[Gordon then runs over to Peter, Steve, Owen and Dwight, alarmed by the truck owner and his dog.]

Gordon:
Umm guys, guys. Not to be a naysayer or anything, but the only customer that we had so far that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.

[Peter and the others turn their attention to the male owner who is obviously using his dog to force Justin to wash his truck's wheels.]

Truck Owner:
[playing with his belly button] That's it boy! Get in there nice and deep like.

[The dog barks forcing Justin to work faster]

Peter:
Yeah, that's not good.

Steve the Pirate:
Gar, This sucks.

[Peter collects Justin and the other guys and retreats to Average Joe's Gym.]

[An Average Joe's commercial is seen in which is now newly renovated and successful due to Peter's better money management and business skills.]

Peter:
Hi, I'm Peter LaFleur, owner and operator of Average Joe's gym and I'm here to tell you, you're perfect the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, eating healthier and making a few friends in the process, then Joe's is the place for you.

[Peter is seen with Kate (who is now his girlfriend), Dwight, Gordon with his children, Steve the Pirate, Justin, Amber (Justin's pregnant girlfriend), Owen and Fran. They are surrounded by children and on top of the newly built Dodgeball gym is a picture of a wheelchair bound Patches O' Houlihan.]

Peter:
Don't forget, youth dodge ball classes are forming right now. So learn a great game like it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?

Children:
Right.

[They throw dodgeball at Peter and co, and having a blast in it. A scene soon switches to White Goodman's living room. He's now obese from drowning his sorrows in junk food]

White:
[mock laughter before turning off the TV with the remote.] Spare me, I won that tournament. [Eats a chicken thigh] F***in' Chuck Norris!

Peter La Fleur:
I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I've gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal.

Peter La Fleur:
Lance Armstong: So what are you dying from that's keeping you from the finals? Peter LaFleur: Right now it feels a little bit like... shame.

White Goodman:
Ball me, Blazer.

White Goodman:
Oh, now he's a philoso-phizer.

White Goodman:
Cram it up your cram hole, LaFleur! Prepare to be humiliated on cable television.

White Goodman:
That's me, six years and six-hundred pounds ago.

White Goodman:
Good luck losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur!

White Goodman:
I can be naughty too. Really freaky naughty... you a naughty freak?

White Goodman:
[When asked how he knew where Kate lived] It's called the Freedom of Information Act for a reason. The hippies finally got something right. Just kidding. But not really.

White Goodman:
My gym has shareholders, yours haven't even got... cupholders!

White Goodman:
Go on and make your jokes Mr Jokey... Joke-maker!

White Goodman:
I earned this body, and I built this temple with nothing more than some elbow grease and a little can-do attitude... and yes, a large inheritance from my father, Earl Goodman.

White Goodman:
Well, isn't that convenient for you... and the clock!

White Goodman:
[obese and drowning his sorrows in junk food and turning off the television advertising the now successful Average Joe's Gym] Spare Me, I won that tournament! F***in' Chuck Norris!

White Goodman:
Of course you'll still be yourself in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive you than you could ever become without us. And with our competitively priced on-site cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning, into a Franken Fine!

White Goodman:
I don't know if you've ever seen a hundred thousand dollars before, except perhaps in the movies. But I can assure you, something gets lost in the translation. [opens briefcase revealing single stack of bills]

White Goodman:
Turn it up high Reggie, I wanna burn.

White Goodman:
Are you ready for the.. HURRICANE!

White Goodman:
We're sweating like grease monkeys out here, I can't hold onto a ball!

White Goodman:
You and your lovable band of losers have already lost!

White Goodman:
What? You like it it those freaks in loser town? [Kate says They're not freaks, they're people, just like you and me] Ha, ha, people just like you and me? That's what I love about you Kate, you've got a personality!

White Goodman:
I've got some great news, you're fired! Yeh, I told the bank you were stealing and drinking on the job, and they bought it! Can you believe it?!

White Goodman:
Donde Esta La Biblioteca, Pedro?

White Goodman:
In 30 days I'll be bulldozing that sh*t heap you call a gym into permanent nothingness, And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel Race that comprise your membership are inside it when I do.

White Goodman:
Joanie loves Chachi!

White Goodman:
Oh my God, we never even won a regional qualifying match - oh yeah, now I remember!

White Goodman:
I get it, you've caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils

White Goodman:
I get it. Don't crap where you eat.

White Goodman:
[Deleted Scene as obese and eating junk food] I'm Peter LaFleur, I'm gonna take all the money you bribed me and bet on myself at 50:1 that I'm gonna buy out your company. Brilliant plan, too bad it doesn't make any sense. I'm Peter La Fleur. Peter La Fleur, La Fleur! The flower, that's French for kiss my ass! [Smells smoke comes from the toaster and gets up] Oh man, the Pizza Bagels are burning again. God dam, piece of crap toaster!

White Goodman:
[Furious upon realizing that Globo Gym now belongs to Average Joe's and that Peter is his boss] You can't be my boss! Nobody's my boss! I'm my own boss! I created myself.

Patches O'Houlihan:
I ain't crazy, and I ain't a guy! I'm Patches O'Houlihan, and I'm your new coach.

Patches O'Houlihan:
[When questioned on learning how to dodge balls] That's what this sack of wrenches is for. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball! [Throws wrench at Justin, hitting him square in the face] Any other questions?

Patches O'Houlihan:
Take care of your balls, and they'll take care of you.

Patches O'Houlihan:
If you want dodgeball victory you gotta grab it by its haunches and hump it into submission, that's the only way!

Patches O'Houlihan:
Remember, dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. So, when you're picking players in gym class, remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team. That way you can gang up on the weaker ones, like Winston here.

Patches O'Houlihan:
I've got some hookers in my room... wanna go celebrate? My treat!

Patches O'Houlihan:
Suit yourself, queer! [when Peter declines the above offer]

Patches O'Houlihan:
You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!

Patches O'Houlihan:
They're too good to be true and you suck something awful.

Patches O'Houlihan:
Where's your killer instinct, son? You have got to get angry, you have got to get MEAN! That's the only way you can play! (hits Gordon in the balls) You angry now?

Patches O'Houlihan:
Go you crazy son of a b*tch!

Patches O'Houlihan:
[Advising Peter through the blindfold against White in a sudden death match] Just remember your training and trust your instincts. You can do it. Bye-bye.

Pepper:
They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

Pepper:
I feel like I'm watching a Cher video, Cotton.

Pepper:
Pepper needs new shorts!

Pepper:
I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.

Pepper:
That'll buy you one heck of a blumpkin, Cotton!

Pepper:
I don't know how they can play in diapers, Cotton. I never could.

Pepper:
I feel shocked!

Pepper:
Hold your phone, she's got a cannon!

Pepper:
[Peter puts on blindfold] He won't be able to see very well through that Cotton.

Pepper:
Great shot by the submissive!

Pepper:
Eff your mama, Cotton!

Dwight:
Oh, snap!

Dwight:
We're gonna get our taints handed to us!

Dwight:
They got guys named Laser, Blazer, Taser and all other kinds of 'asers'!

Dwight:
That guy's a d*ckhead.

Gordon:
[deleted scene and confronting his faithless mail-order wife] I want a divorce!

Gordon:
[alarmed by the redneck owner of the truck.] Um Guys, guys. Not to be a naysayer or anything, but the only customer we've had is that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.

Steve The Pirate:
Bollocks!

Steve The Pirate:
Gar, this sucks!

Steve The Pirate:
I'm gonna send you to hell!

Steve The Pirate:
An' I'll be splitting my buried treasure with ya... when I find it, that be..

Steve The Pirate:
Arr, Steve the Pirate be in no man's debt! I'll make a barter with you, true as the north star!