Family Feud

[On the set of the first show:
July 12, 1976]

Richard Dawson:
I haven't been this excited since I got the oil drilling rights to Jack Lord's hair!

[Richard Dawson's farewell speech on the June 14, 1985 finale]

Richard Dawson:
So, the Mackins were our final winning family, and they've won $5,504, and I'm proud of 'em. I've had the most incredible luck in my career. I've done lots and lots of jobs, and I've never, ever had a job like "Family Feud." I've never DREAMED I would ever have a job where so many people could touch me and I could touch them. And it was... there was a great magic about this show that I've never seen on any other show. I want to publicly acknowledge Howard Felsher, who is our Executive Producer. He was a producer in the beginning of the show, and he helped steer and guide the way that we went. And he and I fall a lot of times, but I tell you that he is important and I should acknowledge him, because he was the one, with me, that, we said, "Let ANYBODY come on this show, anyone that can play this game, no matter what color or creed, no matter if they're in a wheelchair or they have no sight." And we've HAD everybody on this show, and he was very, very important in that and I acknowledge and thank him for it. I thank my crew, and I thanked my director already. I have the best staff you've ever dreamed of. You can't... but you don't have to dream of them, 'cause I'm gonna take them with me. Even if I never work again, they'll just be near me. They are so special and wonderful. ABC - Jackie Smith, Wally Weltman, Joe C. Albott - they kept us on the air probably a year more than they should have, 'cause we weren't really helping them. You know, our ratings weren't that good. They were *so* great. They buried themselves carrying us, and I love them for that, not that I wanted to hurt 'em, but I... because I love 'em. They were good people. There were people I know that got upset that I kissed people; I kissed them for luck and love, that's all. That's what my mother did to me. There were people upset that I would embrace or hug someone of another color. The first time I ever saw people of any color was when D-Day left from my hometown in England, to go and free Europe from the war. And there was every color you could imagine, and I'd not seen that in England. And I asked my mother about it; I said, "Is there something wrong?" She said, "God... God makes people. You understand that, don't you?" And I said, "Yeah!" She said, "Who makes a rainbow?" I said, "God." She said, "I never presumed to tell anyone who could make a rainbow what color to make children." And she changed my whole life with that statement. All I can tell you is, this has been a very special 9 years of my life! If I never do another thing, I've met the good, sweet people of the world. So I leave you, with love, and for the little girl that, nine years ago, I first signed to - I guess she's 13, now - I'll think of you every day. God bless all the little children in the world. Thank you.

[opening spiel]

Gene Wood:
On your marks! Let's start "THE FAMILY FEUD!" With the star of "Family Feud", RICHARD DAWSON!

Richard Dawson:
Survey said!

[End of Fast Money, amid general laughter]

Richard Dawson:
I asked you to name a time when people usually get out of bed. And being the Einstein you are, you said..."Morning." Our survey said...

[Bzzt]

Richard Dawson:
Zero. And then as if that wasn't bad enough, I asked you, name a time when people usually go to bed. You said, of course..."Night." Our survey said...

[Ding!]

Richard Dawson:
Two!

Richard Dawson:
During what month of pregnancy does a woman begin to look pregnant?

Contestant:
September.

Richard Dawson:
Name an animal with 3 letters in its name.

Contestant:
Alligator.

Richard Dawson:
Name the first article of clothing that you take off when you get home from work.

Contestant:
My underwear.

Richard Dawson:
Next question, what time do you get off work?

[During Fast Money]

Richard Dawson:
Name an article of clothing children always lose...

Contestant:
Their pants.

Richard Dawson:
The price of a dozen roses...

Contestant:
$1.75.

Richard Dawson:
Besides a bird, name something in a birdcage...

Contestant:
Hamster.

[pause]

Richard Dawson:
Make a note of this show.

Richard Dawson:
Name a romantic sounding instrument.

Contestant:
Drum.

Richard Dawson:
Name something you might buy that could turn out to be phony.

Contestant:
A horse.

Richard Dawson:
The dreaded phony horse gag! [buzzer] No!

Richard Dawson:
Name a question such as "How old are you..."

Contestant 1:
[hits buzzer] Eighteen!

Richard Dawson:
Eighteen? [buzz!]

Contestant 1:
I'm not eighteen.

Richard Dawson:
You're not? You certainly could have fooled me. Just one second, I'm going to read out the question again. Name a question, such as "How old are you," that you might answer with a lie.

Contestant 2:
Uh, I would say fifty. [buzz!] Did I understand that right?

Richard Dawson:
Mmm, no, sweetheart. [to right-hand family] Give me another question that you might lie about?

Contestant 3:
I would say, uh, I'm thirty-nine. [Dawson looks at the audience in despair]

Richard Dawson:
[During a rare sixth round question] Number Four, what do you think? Come on! We've already run into "Love Boat", let's move!

Richard Dawson:
[the second contestant right after the September fiasco] A noisy bird.

Contestant:
Cuckoo.

Richard Dawson:
[having difficulty trying not to laugh] Cuckoo! How the hell did you people get on the show?