Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
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Tommy? It's Steve... You're a marvel! I'm a marvel! They love us! We are re-writing the record books, pal. We are talking major awards here! I can put my dad in a home and tell him to shut up. It's HOT man. HOT. H-O-T. He never believed in me, but now I've made it! I'm the best dam' skin-flick director of all time, my friend! And I just wanted to say, it's a pleasure to have met you! I love you baby, don't go changing on me you hear!
Congressman Alex Shrub:
You have no idea what it takes to serve, the sacrifices, I've made to help my country, to help Vice City. The complexity of the government, the... the hideousness of my wife, the way her thighs grow like our national debt. Oh, sure, some people like that, but not me. It's a nightmare and, and... it's thrown back at me by an ingrate like you. I can scarcely get up in the morning!
Annnnddddd with that *outrageous* revelation, let's take a quick break.
Hey Tommy, it's Sonny. How's the suntan?
I ain't got no suntan.
Well, you ain't got my money either, so I'm thinking to myself 'what're you doing?'. So tell me, Tommy, what ARE you doing?
I'm looking for the money, Sonny. Don't worry.
I AM worrying, Tommy. That's my style because I seem to have this problem in my life with unreliable people. Don't be an unreliable person, Tommy, please.
I thought this was supposed to be a rock station, but all I'm hearing is girl's music.
Now, hold on a second...
No, you listen, son. This is Mitch Baker, Big Mitch Baker. You play something hard real soon or I'm gonna come by the station and shove that sissy soft-rock crap so far down your throat you're gonna be crapping hairbands til' Christmas, you hear?
A real man needs more than one thing in life, you know what I'm saying here? The heart and the loins both on fire... groaning and straining and making hot dirty passionate encounters with the secretaries, while the wife she sleeps at home. I know... I have been there many times...
You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain and simple; they eat whales, and snow, and they sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow everyday? Oh, I tried to help; I sent a helicopter with copies of my book, but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the people of Alaska choose to live where they are, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day.
Mind your tongue whench, lest I cut it out. Deep down all of you listening to me say Thor, yes, I'd like to unleash the Viking within. Maybe you go camping every year or hunting, and wonder why it feels so natural. That's because it is, so much as denying your instincts. Men shaving, you know deep down in the pit of your soul you wish you could crouch in the grass with flies biting your face afraid to move for fear of alerting the beasts. Covering yourself with Yak urine to thwart your smell, then a beast draws close, you pounce, bringing your battleaxe on it's skull! Man and animal at that moment, one and the same in a terrible beauty. Then you drag the carcass back to camp and celebrate by eating it's heart! Some people they only do this once in their lifetime, I do this everyday! And so can you, all it takes is some positive thinking. Just attend my Unleash the Norse Within weekend. When you are finished you will say, I am a God! Nobody can stop me! I crush my enemies and dance on their funeral pyres. This is very helpful for living in suburbia Amy, and I should know.
I'm looking for a shooter for a job I'm pulling. From the setup here, I'm not too impressed.
Son, I could shoot a fly off your head at a hundred feet.
Yeah, I learnt it in the army.
Fly shooting popular in the army? Glad I don't pay tax.
Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother's PTA group meeting recently?
Baseball is our national sport- Our national passtime. Joining together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez.
But remember... This radio station could disappear. The voice of unprofitable radio could be silenced. One day you wake up, roll over, and she's gone! You go into the kitchen, there's a note scrawled, the sound of a taxi leaving in the distance, a thunderstorm rolls in... It's a metaphor for my haircut.
If you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets. Give now. Let's return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in the studio!... Useless, talentless a**hole.
You're correct, he is an a**hole!
I love those guys! Really professional.
All the double gutted patree monkeys exactly like a normal tree monkey, except it's called after me and if you have a rummage around inside, goin in the back door, you discover it's got two digestive tracts, two, amazin! Really profound it was.
DJ Amy Sheckenhausen:
Ooh. That's gross!
No Aim, it's the science of Mr Zoo, gettin down and dirty with animals!
Mr. Vercetti? Hey. You bought the old Print Works?
Yeah my old man used to work on these. I used to spend the evenings with him cleaning the rollers. I was gonna follow him in his trade... but I lived a different life.
You planning on selling the old machinery? Breaking it down?
I'm thinking we might print something. A newspaper, a magazine...
Oh crap, sonny, low-grade crap. I always fancied printing money!
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