Green Acres

Sam Drucker:
How 'bout a dehydrated chicken?

Oliver Douglas:
A dehydrated chicken?

Sam Drucker:
Yeah. Just add water and bones, and let it sit for a couple hours, and you might have your own reconstituted chicken.

Oliver Douglas:
That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

Sam Drucker:
Call the sheriff.

Hank Kimball:
OK. Sheriff.

Sam Drucker:
No. On the phone.

Lisa Douglas:
Why do you want to irritate your corn?

Oliver Douglas:
Irrigate. It means put water on it.

Lisa Douglas:
Won't that irritate it?

[the Douglases are looking for clothes to donate to a rummage sale]

Oliver Douglas:
Why don't we give away this one?

Lisa Douglas:
No that's the dress I graduated from high school in.

Oliver Douglas:
How about this one?

Lisa Douglas:
That's the dress I wore the first day of college.

Oliver Douglas:
[holding a black, low-cut dress] What about this one?

Lisa Douglas:
That's the one I got expelled in.

Oliver Douglas:
You mallet head!

Lisa Douglas:
When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Oliver Douglas:
Who?

Lisa Douglas:
Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him.

Ralph Monroe:
My lips are sealed.

Hank Kimball:
Now if we could only keep them that way.

Ralph Monroe:
If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out!

Oliver Douglas:
But he couldn't be dead.

Fred Ziffel:
Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.

Oliver Douglas:
Are you sure?

Fred Ziffel:
I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[trying to hawk some worthless ceramic figurines off and claiming they're valuable] These are gen-yew-wine Siamese Catfish.

Oliver Wendell Douglass:
SIAMESE CATFISH?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Well, they're still in the p*ssy stage.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[as he and Mr. Ziffel are going into Oliver's house] Make sure you wipe yer feet.

Fred Ziffel:
You don't ever wipe YOUR feet!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
That's 'cause I don't own a pig farm.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[after learning Oliver and Lisa are going to be out of town for a few days] While yer away on yer trip, I thought you might like to avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.

Oliver Wendell Douglass:
HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.

Oliver Wendell Douglass:
[after watching a "conversation" between Lisa and an oinking Arnold] How can you carry on a conversation with him? I can't understand a thing he's saying!

Lisa Douglas:
That's because you don't LISTEN!

TV Kiddie Show Host:
Sure, I remember that kid, he had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen. He won first prize!

Oliver Douglas:
No, you don't understand, Arnold is a REAL PIG!

TV Kiddie Show Host:
I'll say he is! We had five gallons of ice cream for those kids, and he ate every bit of it himself!

Eb Dawson:
Who is this Brian Williams they mention on pages 1,2,3,1 and 4?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You don't know him? He grew up here in Hooterville.

Eb Dawson:
Hmmm. Uh, is he a tall boy with green hair?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Green hair?

Eb Dawson:
Naw, that was Betty Abernathy. She used to eat chlorophyll and it went to her head.

Hank Kimball:
Like my grandfather used to always say: "Age is just how old you are."

Lisa Douglas:
Oliver, why is it that every time I say I go back to New York unless you fix up this place, I never go and you never fix it.

Oliver Douglas:
Well, this... it's a privilege to live in a place like this, this is part of America.

Lisa Douglas:
One of the worst parts.

Eb Dawson:
Mr. Douglas, where's the architect?

Oliver Douglas:
He left.

Eb Dawson:
Doggone it. I wanted to show him how I wanted my room fixed up into a bachelor pad.

Oliver Douglas:
What?

Eb Dawson:
I got the idea from a magazine. You know, the one that has a girl in the center that unfolds.

Lisa Douglas:
Eh, what girl unfolds in the center?

Oliver Douglas:
You'd have to see the magazine to understand.

Oliver Douglas:
We're living in an historical monument.

Lisa Douglas:
I don't want to live in a hystarical menumant.

Lisa Douglas:
[to Oliver] Two weeks ago, you were nothing but a plain old farmer, planting your little seeds in the ground and watching them shoosting and now you are the president of the telephone company. Why, yours is a regular Horatio Algebra story!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Where's all the food you're gonna cook?

Lisa Douglas:
[holds up small plastic bag containing white granules] In here.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh boy.

Lisa Douglas:
This is a bag of Dee Dee's dehydrofacated Mason-Dixon chicken dinner.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Dee Dee's dehydrofacated - ?

Lisa Douglas:
That means without water.

Fred Ziffel:
[discussing their son/pig Arnold] Yeah, he's got good manners and he's clean.

Doris Ziffel:
[tearfully] He's such a comfort to us.

Fred Ziffel:
Yeah, Mr. Douglas, he's a good pig. He just sits there all day and watches television.

Doris Ziffel:
Don't even bother us to turn it on for him.

Lisa Douglas:
Darling, where is the trunk?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What do you need the trunk for? We're only gonna be there a week.

Lisa Douglas:
Well we can't check into the Ritz Plaze with only 12 suitcases, everybody's going to think we're nobodies.

Fred Ziffel:
[knocks on the Douglass' door very softly] They ain't home, lets go shoot Haney.

Mr. Haney:
I know what you're looking for: this beautiful giant eggslicer.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
That's a harp!

Mr. Haney:
Correct. A Eggslicer harp, made personal by Horace Eggslicer, the last of the great harpmakers.

Lisa Douglas:
In Hungary, they had a wonderful cereal: shredded goulash. You can't get that here.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Thank goodness.

Sheriff:
[to Lisa, after arresting Oliver for grand larceny] And just who are you?

Lisa Douglas:
I'm the wife of the grand larcen!

Lisa Douglas:
[giving Oliver a tour of Paris] That is the famous Eiffel Tower, built by Sam Tower, in 1927.

Lisa Douglas:
[Oliver has just cracked a square egg] One of the chickens must have made a mistake.

Oliver Douglas:
A mistake?

Lisa Douglas:
Well, they're only human.

Oliver Douglas:
[holding another square egg] Which hen do you think laid the eggs?

Lisa Douglas:
I don't know.

Eb Dawson:
Well, it should't be too hard to find out, all we gotta do is look for a square chicken.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, you know the old saying: you can lead a horse over the water, but you can't make him think.

Oliver Douglas:
I'm going back to bed. If that's a dream, I wanna see how it ends.

Eb Dawson:
[reading one of Arnold the Pig's reviews] The Pixley Press says he's the greatest thing to hit the stage since Laurence Olivier.

Lisa Douglas:
They did?

Eb Dawson:
Yes! Who is she?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
It's a he, and how dare they compare a pig to a great actor!

Eb Dawson:
The Ziffels sure are excited about him. They always wanted Arnold to be a veterinarian, but now they've decided to let him take up acting as a career!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[pre-show announcements] Now appearin' in tonight's play are Sam Drucker, Newt Kiley's police dog Columbo, and Sophia Loren. Uh, due to circumstances beyond our control, Miss Loren can't appear tonight, so, uh, her part will be played by Ralph Monroe. [audience bursts into applause]

Lisa Douglas:
[Arnold's poses poolside wearing sunglasses with Oliver holding his drink] Oliver, don't hold the glass so high. You're hiding Arnold's face.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I'm doing him a favor!

Eb Dawson:
[reading story from newspaper] Arnold will be accompanied to Chicago by Oliver Wendell Douglas, the famous pig lawyer!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[irritated] Pig lawyer?

Lisa Douglas:
And when you went to Harvard they said you wouldn't amount to anything.

Baggage Man:
[Arnold grabs his bag at airport claim] Where's his check?

Lisa Douglas:
He ate it.

Baggage Man:
I'm sorry, no baggage without a check!

Eb Dawson:
You'd better show a little more respect to Arnold! You know what he's worth?

Baggage Man:
Ah, with the current piece of pork, I'd say about thirty bucks!

Lisa Douglas:
[Oliver is upset when Ralph, a great cook, goes back to her brother] If food means that much to you maybe you should find someone else.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What?

Lisa Douglas:
Oliver, when you married me you knew I couldn't cook, sew, keep house. All I could do was speak Hungarian and do impressions of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Who?

Sam Drucker:
[to Oliver, after Arnold leaves with a basket of groceries] You know, Fred don't even miss Doris. It's amazin' how that pig has taken her place!

Oliver Wendell Douglass:
Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The American farmer didn't get where he is today by celebrating Christmas with phony trees and wax popcorn, plastic candy canes. Gentlemen, to the American farmer Christmas is real. He goes out with ax in hand, chops down his own tree, brings it back, garlands it with strings of popcorn from his own corn crib, makes cider from his own apple trees. And when the Christmas carols ring out in the still of the night, he looks up to the sky and he says, 'I'm proud to be an American farmer on Christmas.'

Doris Ziffel:
Mrs. Douglas came over here this afternoon and wanted to know how to make a fruitcake. And it's been so long since I made one, I had to look up the recipe.

Fred Ziffel:
Is she gonna make a fruitcake for Mr. Douglas?

Doris Ziffel:
She sure is.

Fred Ziffel:
Doris, that could make you an accessory to manslaughter.

Lisa Douglas:
What shall I do with the corns I strung for you?

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa, you're supposed to take the kernels off the cob and string them.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, don't blame me, I never did it before. In the old country, we used to string caviar.

Oliver Douglas:
Caviar?

Lisa Douglas:
We'd have caviar on one string and crackers on the other...

Oliver Douglas:
Oh, for...

Lisa Douglas:
And then we'd play the Hungarian Christmas game called 'Smear the crackers with caviar.'

Eb Dawson:
Mr. Ziffel, notice where your wife's standing? Under the mistletoe!

Fred Ziffel:
Why don't you mind your own business?

Eb Dawson:
[about Oliver] I've never seen him so mad! His face was red, his ears were red, his lips were red. He looked like a stuck traffic signal.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Will you stop beating around the bush and give me my permit!

Hank Kimball:
Yes sir. You want a Bush Beating permit.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, I want a tree chopping permit.

Lisa Douglas:
[mistaking the robbers for laborers] Oh, you must be the fellows Mr. Kimball said. You were supposed to go right to the orchid.

Barney:
The orchid?

Lisa Douglas:
Where they grow the apples.

Clyde:
Oh. The apple orchid.

Lisa Douglas:
Yes, why, aren't you the apple picklers?

Barney:
Yeah, that's right lady. We're the apple picklers.

Lisa Douglas:
[plans to order her cosmetics from the Lady Love company] I think they make very good cosmeteticals.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[pitching his brand] Not according to an independent survey made in a small Midwestern town where half of the women were given Lady Love hand creme to use on their hands and the other half were given my hand creme. And would you believe, in my group there was not a single cavity?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What has that got to do with...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[finds Eb with his head stuck in the freezer] Eb, what are you doing?

Eb Dawson:
[his head covered with frost and ice on his head] Freezing a part in my hair.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What? Get your head out of there you...

Eb Dawson:
You see, what I do is, I give myself a shampoo and then I rush my head into the refrigerator and I'm well groomed all day!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yes, well don't...

Eb Dawson:
Unless the sun comes out.

Sam Drucker:
[Oliver explains that Charlie doesn't exist] Ohhhhh, I see. Well, that's not unusual. I remember when I was a little kid, I used to have a little imaginary friend. Didn't you?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No.

Sam Drucker:
Well, you were rich! I guess you could afford to have real friends.

Sir Geoffrey:
[Conducting the Hooterville Symphony Orchestra] Now please, let's try it: Brahm's Lullaby. [the band plays a crawling version of "There's a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight"] Stop, stop! Hold it, hold it! May I ask what you were playing?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Well, what was you conductin'?

Sir Geoffrey:
Brahm's Lullaby.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Then that's what we was playin.'

Sir Geoffrey:
That was not Brahm's Lullaby.

Oliver Douglas:
[to Sir Geoffrey] Well it's as close as you're gonna get to it.

Sir Geoffrey:
Look is there anyone here who can read music?

Ralph Monroe:
Oh, I can.

Sir Geoffrey:
Oh, well then my dear, would you mind humming it for the others?

Ralph Monroe:
[to the tune of Brahms' Lullaby] La-da-dah, la-da-dah, la-da-dah-dah, da-da-dah, la-da-dah, dah...

Sir Geoffrey:
Fine. Now, let's all hum it together.

Band members:
[to the tune of Brahms' Lullaby] La-da-dah, la-da-dah, la-da-dah-dah, da-da-dah...

Sir Geoffrey:
Capital, capital, capital! Now, let's all play that.

[the band plays "There's a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight" as Sir Geoffrey breaks down and cries]

Sir Geoffrey:
[to the Hooterville Fire Department band] We're going to start with a very simple little piece, Brahms' Lullaby.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Who wrote it?

Sir Geoffrey:
Well, ehm...

Oliver Douglas:
[to Sir Geoffrey] You should've taken the train, when I told you.

Ralph Monroe:
Would you believe I've never heard Beethoven's 5th Symphony by, eh, Tchaikovsky?

Oliver Douglas:
Well, I don't think I've heard that myself.

Oliver Douglas:
[to Sir Geoffrey] Well, as they say: you're the conductor, Poopsie!

Lisa Douglas:
[explains how she got her father's permission to marry Oliver] I lied to him. I told him that you were really a wealthy Austrailian and that you hid all your money in the kangaroo pouches. But that you weren't a very good judge of kangaroos because they all ran away with your money.

Lisa Douglas:
We're having eggs this morning.

Mr. Haney:
Eggs from little Alice. I told you when I sold that hen to ya, that she was a layer.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[rolls eyes] Hah!

Lisa Douglas:
I left her a note to make us three eggs, and she made us four!

Mr. Haney:
Well she probably just don't recognize your handwriting yet.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[hears knock at door] Who the - ?

Eb Dawson:
That's a switch. He usually says, "What the - ?"

Lisa Douglas:
I guess he's in more of a "Who the - ?" mood today.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[answering door] Yes?

Farmhand:
Howdy. I'm from the pickin' pool.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
The picking pool?

Farmhand:
Yes sir. My name's Who-the. Harold Who-the.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Lisa serves a bowl of water]... What is that?

Lisa Douglas:
Hot water soup.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Hot water soup?

Lisa Douglas:
Soup make out of hot water.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Just plain hot water?

Lisa Douglas:
What else you put in a hot water soup?

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa, three from seven leaves four, any schoolboy knows that!

Lisa Douglas:
Well I was a schoolgirl. But I didn't find that out until I was twelve, I, I went to an all girl school.

Lisa Douglas:
Where is my husband?

Larry Lawlor:
Eh he just went up the pole. Does he always do that when he gets mad?

Lisa Douglas:
No, no, that's where the phone is.

Larry Lawlor:
Oh, that makes it handy.

Hank Kimball:
Oh, morning, Mrs. Douglas, how are ya?

Lisa Douglas:
Hello Mr. Kimball, I'm fine. Well, I'm, I'm not really fine, I have a little headache. Well, it isn't a little headache... it's a... it went away!

Hank Kimball:
I know someone who talks just like that. Well not just like that... What was his name? Oh yes, it was eh... No, it wasn't him. He had a Texas drawl. Well, it wasn't a drawl. Oh, you're gonna do some outdoor cooking?

Lisa Douglas:
I guess that's why I love you. You're always hollering, but underneath you have a soft spot in your head.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Heart!

Lisa Douglas:
There, too.

Eb Dawson:
[after botching up Oliver's dating advice] A fine father you are!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I'm not your father!

Eb Dawson:
I'm glad! The kind of advice you give your son, which I'm not and I don't intend to be!

Eb Dawson:
[about Betty Jo] She's got a face that'd any man forget his sardines.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You have a very romantic way of putting it.

Betty Jo Bradley:
Did you hurt your leg?

Eb Dawson:
No, I always limp when I'm happy.

Lisa Douglas:
It could be worse, she could be allergic to diamonds.

Walter:
Would you like to try a Stankwell Falls Fizz, sir?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What's that?

Walter:
Two parts apple jack, two parts vermouth, a jigger of maple syrup and a prune.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[reading the elopement note left by Eb] The girl and I have been fairly good friends for years. I can't tell you her name because I don't want her father to know.

Lisa Douglas:
That's strange. You'd think her father would know her name.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[refusing to pay Eb $20 early] Eb, there's no reason why you should need an advance. You get a good salary. What do you do with it?

Eb Dawson:
I send it home. They like a good laugh now and then, too.

Lisa Douglas:
I need a new dress for the dance.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa, you've got...

Lisa Douglas:
All I need is $3000.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa, you have to be out of your mind! $3000 for a dress?

Lisa Douglas:
The dress is only $400, but the rest is for the plane ticket to go to Paris and to get it.

Lisa Douglas:
Who's band is playing for the dance?

Sam Drucker:
We were gonna have Guy Lombardo, but somebody lost the records.

Hank Kimball:
[regarding Hank's Mom renting Carol a room] My mother always wanted a daughter around the house, and if you came and moved in, I wouldn't have to wear a dress around the house on Sundays.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Eb wants him to co-sign for his engagement ring] I don't sign anything unless I know what it is.

Eb Dawson:
If I tell you want it is, you won't sign it.

Lisa Douglas:
I'll sign it!

Eb Dawson:
Thanks Mom!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Will you stop calling her Mom!

Eb Dawson:
Well, if I call her Dad, you'll get jealous.

Eb Dawson:
You only get engaged once.

Lisa Douglas:
Who told you that!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
While yer away on yer trip, ah thought you might like ta avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.

Oliver Douglas:
HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?!!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.

Mr. Wheeler:
You drink much?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yes, I like a drink before dinner.

Mr. Wheeler:
How about after dinner?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Once in a while.

Mr. Wheeler:
During dinner?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well...

Mr. Wheeler:
You drink pretty good. Ever thought about trying A.A.?

Lisa Douglas:
[discussing Eb] You know, he reminds me of you when we wanted to get married and you were trying to make money as a lawyer, and you threw your first case.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I didn't throw it. I lost it.

Lisa Douglas:
The judge said the only way to lose that case was to throw it.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa!

Sam Drucker:
[tearfully recounting the trials of the heroine on the soap "Tomorrow Will Be Brighter"] She could hardly read the letter she got from her boyfriend.

Lisa Douglas:
The jockey?

Sam Drucker:
No, no. The one who was sick all the time. He wrote her to tell her he was a'runnin' off with the lady druggist. He didn't really love her; it was the only way he could figure to get his medicines at a discount.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Mr. Drucker, if you don't mind, I'd like to order...

Lisa Douglas:
Just a minute. I want to find out what's going to happen to that poor woman.

Sam Drucker:
Oh, things are gonna get worse, much worse. Some NUT talked her into raisin' chickens!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[upon seeing Kimball at the airplane factory] Don't tell me you work here!

Hank Kimball:
[holding a box of dirt and some bamboo] Yes, I'm the plant manager. I manage these plants.

Lisa Douglas:
[the writer's credits are superimposed over Oliver and Lisa asleep in their bed. Lisa wakes Oliver up] Do you know anybody called Jay Sommers or Dick Chevillat?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Who?

Lisa Douglas:
Well, I was just dreaming that their names were over us.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Alf and Ralph have started working while Oliver and Lisa are still in bed] Hold it! What do you think you're doing?

Alf Monroe:
We were gonna try to finish the bedroom for ya by twelve o'clock.

Ralph Monroe:
That's when the bus leaves for Bleedswell.

Alf Monroe:
We're going up there to get a job in the defence plan.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You can go now!

Ralph Monroe:
[Alf and Ralph drop their tools on the bed] Just for that, I'm not gonna kiss you goodbye. [a beat] Come on, Alf.

Alf Monroe:
Wait a minute. [turns to Oliver] Would you care to pay us for all the beautiful work we've done on this room?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, I wouldn't.

Alf Monroe:
Just for that I'm not gonna kiss you goodbye either.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[shouting] Out!

Sam Drucker:
Mr. Douglas, town council met last night and we voted to reopen the Hooterville Airplane Company that we had here during the war.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[still groggy, having just waken up] The Hooterville Airplane Air...

Sam Drucker:
[continuing] And for suggesting it, we're making you president.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You're making me...

Roy Trendell:
[interrupting] Don't he ever finish a sentence?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well I...

Roy Trendell:
There he goes again!

Sam Drucker:
Roy!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Eb, would you mind telling me: What's the big attraction at Bleedswell?

Eb Dawson:
They're opening a defense plant up there, and they're offering all kinds of inducements to get people to go there and work. Didn't you read the ads they ran in the World Guardian? Listen to this...

[reads from newspaper]

Eb Dawson:
Join the Space Age! Work for Astro Digitronics, makers of the Mighty Mark Five Mokker Rocket. Astro Digitronics is located in carefree, smog-free Bleedswell, Home of the Sympathetic Draft Board.

Lisa Douglas:
That's a nice thing to have.

Eb Dawson:
[continuing to read] Astro Digitronics offers more fringe benefits than any other space age company, including: unlimited sick pay, free psychoanalysis, and a year's supply of cracked crab.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Lisa is cooking] What's that mess?

Lisa Douglas:
They're croissants.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
They are?

Lisa Douglas:
Well, they aren't official French croissants. I made them out of hotcake batter.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I must say your hotcake batter has an international flavor, which is about the only flavor it does have.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Haney pitches his own checks] Haney's Traveler's Checks? I could just imagine me trying to get someone to cash one of those for me!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Easiest thing in the world. [man walks up] Oh, excuse me, sir. Would you mind cashing this ten dollar traveler's check?

Man:
Sorry, I - -Aww, it's a Haney's Traveler's Check! Be glad to hep ya!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Thank you. [man leaves]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Where did you have him stashed?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Who?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
That shill that cashed the check for you.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Mr. Douglas, I never saw him before. He was a perfect stranger.

Man:
[returning] How long we gonna be here cousin Eustace?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[scoffing at Lisa's fortune telling] I'm not interested in that nonsense.

Lisa Douglas:
Nonsense? It's a lucky thing you're not a Hungarian, or you'd be in big trouble with the Gypsies.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[disinterested] Wow. That's...

Lisa Douglas:
Do you know what they do to you for making fun of fortune telling? They turn you into a chicken!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
A chick - ?

Lisa Douglas:
Or a duck, or a goose. When they get mad, there's no telling what they do to you. They turned a girlfriend of mine into a rabbit. She's working in the Playboy club in Budapest.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[trying to pass off an eye chart as wall paper] How about "Doctor's waiting room?"

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
It's real practical. You can sit anywhere in the living room and check your eyes.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Well, like they say: learning to like wallpaper is like pushing a purple straw hat through a keyhole.

Oliver Douglas:
Mr. Haney, that pile of junk isn't worth $8.

Mr. Haney:
To the unappraisable eye, yes. I had each and every one of these objects de art evaluated by an in-unpeachable source: the county tax assessor, or as we sometimes call him, Cousin Joe.

Oliver Douglas:
[Lisa proclaims it's "a week later"] I know it's a week later. You don't have to march in here and announce that.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, that's how they always do it in the movies. It's either somebody comes in carrying a sign which says, "Here it is a week later." Or a calendar falls apart for a week. Or somebody comes out and says, "That week sure went by fast."

Oliver Douglas:
They must think I'm some kind of a nut, trying to get me to believe that Arnold could possibly write a note like...

Lisa Douglas:
Well, it's his handwriting.

Oliver Douglas:
Oh, come on!

Oliver Douglas:
Mr. Haney, I'm warning you. I'm about fed up with your tricky merchandizing methods. You're going to go too far one of these days, and I'm going to help nail you.

Mr. Haney:
Care to buy a hammer? [produces a hammer from his pocket]

Oliver Douglas:
Eb, why don't you pull up the weeds that are growing in the wheat.

Eb Dawson:
Can't I just pull up the wheat? There ain't as much of that.

Oliver Douglas:
[upset that his tractor is bellowing smoke] There's something wrong with the carburetor!

Eb Dawson:
Yeah. It needs a new tractor on it.

Lisa Douglas:
[calling to Mr. Haney at the front door] Come in!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[the knob comes off in his hand] I can't. I've been de-doorknobbed!

Lisa Douglas:
[taking a look at the Watson farm] I told you I wasn't going to like and I kept my promise: I don't like it.

Mr. Haney:
Now, I could move this fine furniture in my spacious padded truck for... seventyfive dollars.

Lisa Douglas:
Twentyfive.

Mr. Haney:
Sixty?

Lisa Douglas:
Fifteen.

Mr. Haney:
Hey, hold it. You're going in the wrong direction. When I'm coming down, you're supposed to be going up.

Lisa Douglas:
Ten.

Mr. Haney:
Mrs. Douglas, you just ain't got the spirit of this thing.

Lisa Douglas:
Five.

Oliver Douglas:
There's something wrong with the caberator

Eb Dawson:
Yes. It needs a new tractor on it.

Mr. Robertson:
You're a pig lawyer?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[hating to be called that] I resent...

Lisa Douglas:
There's nothing to resent. He's the best pig lawyer in the entire state!

Lisa Douglas:
[Oliver tells her to stop interrupting] He always treats me like a child. Except on Saturday nights when I mix the martinis.

Fred Ziffel:
[to Mr. Robertson] Say, what part of Europe is Ha-why-ya in?

Mr. Haney:
In the words of Duke Kakanaki, "Aloha nui wah hoo lalani" - which means: May your bed be filled with broken coconut shells.

Lisa Douglas:
[to Oliver] Well, just because you're deputy fire cheese doesn't mean you can yell at everybody!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[fining Haney on phony fire violations] Oh, I'm sorry. That's going to cost you $18.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Well, why?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Section 14 of the fire prevention code states that a connected soldering iron must be at least 30 feet from an unflameproofed wooden Indian.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Well, it was. It was. But, uh, while I was working, uh, the Indian moved over closer to watch me.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[learning Lisa was upset] She had nothing to cry about. All I did was complain she out to be able to do a few things like changing light bulbs or hammering a nail in the wall.

Eb Dawson:
How can she hammer a nail in the wall when it's got that big home in it?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
She made that hole.

Eb Dawson:
And you say she's not handy!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Eb is glued to the TV] I said, "Did you see Mr. Douglas?"

Eb Dawson:
No, sir. The only thing I've seen is "Petticoat Junction."

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Eb, I'm not in the mood - Turn that thing off!

Eb Dawson:
[watching intently] Huh?

Eb Dawson:
[Oliver turns TV off] Mr. Douglas do you know what you just did?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yes.

Eb Dawson:
You silenced the work of hundreds of technicians and actors. Not to mention the relatives of the producer. Those people that slave in the fleshpots of Hollywood to bring you a few moments of happiness and joy, and you cut 'em off with the flick of your wrist!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[trying to charm Lisa into moving from their house] Manys a'time I said said to myself it's a shame to keep a beautiful pigeon like you cooped up in this dump.

Lisa Douglas:
Manys a'time I said the same thing to Mr. Douglas.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
I'll bet you'd be willing to move at the drop of a hat.

Lisa Douglas:
Yea, I would, but Mr. Douglas isn't much of a hat dropper.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[pitching ideal gifts for Arnold] How about this mink-lined electric snout warmer, for the pig that has everything. Now, this can be plugged into a set of batteries that Arnold can wear strapped to underside of his stomach. If you're worried about it showing...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I'm not!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
It can be covered with this matching mink car coat.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[reading card he's selling for Arnold's birthday] "Happy birthday 'o pig oh mine - "

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh pig 'o mine?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
"Hope this finds you well and fine. The joys you brought me all through life...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with the poem!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Oh. That Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote some great stuff.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I don't wanna do anything on my birthday. No parties. Nothing. Just let the day pass quietly without any fuss. Well, maybe after dinner we can pop open a bottle of champagne.

Lisa Douglas:
How about a birthday cake?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Hmmm. A birthday cake's fine.

Lisa Douglas:
How many girls do want to come out of it?

Sam Drucker:
[complaining about inflation] The whole thing's gettin' out of hand. It's a good thing Coolidge didn't choose to run again, 'cause I wouldn't have voted for him.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
We've already had a second honeymoon, and a third, and a fourth.

Lisa Douglas:
Why don't we make this a fifth, which is one of your favorite bottles.

Bellboy:
[Oliver answers the door in judges wig and robe] Eh, where do you want these, Mrs. Douglas?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I am not Mrs. Douglas!

Lisa Douglas:
I am Mrs. Douglas.

Bellboy:
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought the old lady in the black dress was Mrs. Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I haven't been appointed to the Supreme Court, I'm gonna serve on the bench in Hooterville.

Mother:
But that's horrible!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
There is nothing wrong with Hooterville.

Mother:
Stop saying that. It sounds like a mating place for owls.

Roy Trendell:
One more year judging live stock and I get promoted to being judge at the beauty contest.

Sam Drucker:
But Roy...

Roy Trendell:
And I ain't giving up my seniority rights to anybody.

Mr. Haney:
But we've already appointed Mr. Douglas.

Roy Trendell:
Well, disappoint him.

Mr. Haney:
Oh, that'll break his little heart. He'll be lower than a small boy on a tall ladder.

Sam Drucker:
What's that mean?

Mr. Haney:
It means, eh, that he'll be shook up like a hobo with a green tie.

Sam Drucker:
Oh, Haney!

Lisa Douglas:
[Lisa has got Oliver a judge's wig] Come on, try it up.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I'll look like an old Beatle.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What are they?

Lisa Douglas:
Hots kebabs.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Hots kebabs?

Lisa Douglas:
They're like shish kebabs, but with the shish kebabs you put the shish on the screwer, but with the hots kebabs, you put the hots on it.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa, you put that to music, you might have a hit.

Gilbert Henshaw:
Why did you move out there? Were you disbarred?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No. I came out here to get away from the rat race of the city. Out here where I could breathe the pure air [background fife begins playing "Yankee Doodle"] work the fertile soil. Where a man can plant his seeds and watch 'em shoot upwards toward the sun and the sky, like our forefathers did. The farmer's the backbone of America. It's his gnarled hands, aching back that gives America its great strength. Without the farmer...

Gilbert Henshaw:
How do you do that?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
How do I do what?

Gilbert Henshaw:
Talk and play the fife at the same time?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[describing the dress modeled by Nancy] Now this is a copy of a gen-u-wine imitation of an original Parisian design stolen by...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I'm looking for something for an 8-year-old boy.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
You couldn't get anything better for an 8-year-old little boy than Nancy!

Lisa Douglas:
[explaining to the little boy about Oliver] "When you get used to the fact that he's a sorehead, you'll get to like him."

Lisa Douglas:
[to Oliver, after the rooster unplugs the extension cord] There is no electristical. The plug fell out of the power company.

Oliver Douglas:
[the radiator on the Hoyt Claggwell tractor is leaking] Look, do you think Mr. Drucker can get us a new radiator?

Eb Dawson:
I don't think he can help ya.

Oliver Douglas:
Why not?

Eb Dawson:
This tractor was born long before he was!

Oliver Douglas:
[a horse followed Oliver home but it keeps disappearing when Lisa arrives on the scene] He was here... he was watching me wash my hands.

Lisa Douglas:
Why would he do that?

Oliver Douglas:
[slightly annoyed] I dunno, maybe it's his hobby!

Lisa Douglas:
[about art] I always say: why get a copy when the original is only a few thousand dollars more?

Uncle Joe Carson:
[giving his plans for the celebration] At 8:30, we march to the station to greet the governor.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What governor?

Uncle Joe Carson:
Well, I ain't sure. I invited all 52 of 'em. One of 'em outta show up.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, boy.

Uncle Joe Carson:
Now we take which ever governor shows up first and march him to the town square and show him the cement slab where someday we're gonna erect a statue of Horace Hooter.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Mr. Douglas, I put my heart and soul into that house.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You should have used lumber.

Eb Dawson:
Well if you won't lend me the car, would you lend me the front seat?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What do you want the front seat for?

Eb Dawson:
It'll look a lot better than standing at the drive-in all through the movie.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You can't have the car or the front seat.

Eb Dawson:
How 'bout the horn? So as we can toot during intermission.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well, hello, Mr. Haney.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
That'll be 12 dollars.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Just for saying hello?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[about the Monroe brothers] You really think they're good, huh?

Sam Drucker:
Did you see what they did for Fred Ziffel?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yes. [rolls eyes]

Sam Drucker:
Oh, that door o' his really swings now.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Is there any mail for me?

Sam Drucker:
[being spiteful] I wouldn't know. I had all of your mail re-routed to the Pixley post office.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, for the love of - !

Sam Drucker:
By the way, don't forget to change your zip code. Pixley's 96344821756.

Sam Drucker:
I'm not - -!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Hooterville's 3.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, Oliver, we should have stayed here. They have a lower zipper code.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[correcting her] Zipper cod. I mean a [confused and fumbling] zip - zip

Sam Drucker:
Oh no, zip CODE. We pronounce it different here in Hooterville.

Lisa Douglas:
[reads sign on their house saying "These Premises Condemned"] These promises commended.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[correcting her] Uh, no. Condemned. And who condemned these promises? Uh, er - who commended the premises?

Eb Dawson:
There was a fella here from the Pixley Building Authority. He said this house is too dangerous to live in.

Lisa Douglas:
He's right!

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, where are you going all dressed up?

Oliver Douglas:
Eh, off to work in the corn field.

Lisa Douglas:
But isn't that one of your lawyer suits?

Oliver Douglas:
Yes, I'm expecting a client.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, who?

Oliver Douglas:
I don't know. Mr. Drucker said some farmer named Collins wants to talk to me on a legal matter.

Lisa Douglas:
Well aren't you going to wait for him?

Oliver Douglas:
No, no, I've got work to do. When he shows up, you send him on up, yeah?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes, chief.

Oliver Douglas:
What?

Lisa Douglas:
Well isn't that what the secretary calls the boss?

Oliver Douglas:
Yes, but...

Lisa Douglas:
Anything else, chief?

Oliver Douglas:
Eh, no. [puts on his hat and heads for the door]

Lisa Douglas:
Well aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?

Oliver Douglas:
No, the boss doesn't kiss the secretary. His wife might not like it.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh yes she would...

Oliver Douglas:
No, we'd better be on the safe side. [walks to the door and exits]

Lisa Douglas:
I think I'm going to look for another job.

Oliver Douglas:
This is Amy Collins. She has a large farm on the other side of the valley.

Eb Dawson:
Oh. Need a foreman?

Amy Collins:
I'm afraid not.

Eb Dawson:
How 'bout a hired hand?

Amy Collins:
No.

Eb Dawson:
Want to adopt a son?

Eb Dawson:
Dad, you are a cad.

Oliver Douglas:
Don't call me dad!

Lisa Douglas:
Well, it seems that one of us made a mistake.

Oliver Douglas:
Yes. You did.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, I was hoping you didn't notice.

Doris Ziffel:
[Dilly's camera broadcasts Oliver in his barn over area TV sets] It's Mr. Douglas!

Fred Ziffel:
I didn't know he had his own TV show?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[to his cow] Eleanor, will you - Moooooo!

Doris Ziffel:
What kind of show is that?

Fred Ziffel:
I don't know. Looks like he's giving the cow mooing lessons.

Fred Ziffel:
[Dilly's cam now telecasts the Douglas' bedroom] What are you watching?

Sam Drucker:
Mr. Douglas getting undressed.

Fred Ziffel:
Oh, has he got a nighttime show, too? Then I hope it's better than his afternoon show. Them imitations he done were pretty bad.

Lisa Douglas:
[Oliver returns after responding to a "fire rocket"] Where's your helmet?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
They took it away from me because I didn't bring my guitar.

Uncle Joe Carson:
I say a man can't fight fire unless he can play a marching instrument.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
That doesn't make sense!

Uncle Joe Carson:
Well it does around here. We have more parades than fires.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Now how do I go about joining?

Uncle Joe Carson:
You gotta talk to the fire chief.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well allright, now who's the... [notices Uncle Joe is putting on a fire helmet]... are you the chief?

Uncle Joe Carson:
I ain't wearing this white helmet to match my shoes.

Lisa Douglas:
[the "Written by" credit appears on-screen] Oliver! Whose names are those? Oliver!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Over here by the barn! [the "Directed by" credit appears]

Lisa Douglas:
Oliver! When I came out of the house, there were lots of names in front of me.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yeah, there were some in front of me, too.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Look, is there anybody here in authority?

Sergeant:
You kidding, Mac? [points at the rank on his sleeve]

Hank Kimball:
Arnold Ziffel...

FBI Agent #2:
Is the name familiar?

Hank Kimball:
No, the name is Kimball. Hank Kimball.

Lisa Douglas:
I think Ralph was a little sad because they wouldn't take her in the army.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
She's still got the navy and the marines, good night.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
These gentlemen are from the FBI.

Hank Kimball:
Oh... I'm with the Department of Agriculture. Heh Heh. Guess that sort of makes us, eh, sister-offiers, huh? Well not sisters, eh, brothers. Although we're not really related. Or maybe we are? I...

FBI Agen #2:
[interrupting] Mr. Kimball, I wonder if you could help us?

Hank Kimball:
Certainly. Always ready to help out a brother-sister. Eh, sister-fellow. Eh, can I see your credentials please?

Doris Ziffel:
[holding up a see-through neglig?] Mrs. Douglas gave it to me.

Fred Ziffel:
No wonder, it's full of holes!

Lisa Douglas:
I'm making hotscakes stew for the animals.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
And you call yourself president of the humane committee?

Lisa Douglas:
[reminiscing about the past] In those days, when you came home, we used to sit down and talk over everything that happened during the day. You tell me all you did and I tell you all the mink coats I tried on.

Doris Ziffel:
How's Mrs. Douglas?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well... to tell you the truth, she's a little bored.

Doris Ziffel:
Oh? How long you been living here, now?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Over a year.

Doris Ziffel:
I don't blame her. I started getting bored after I'd been here a week. And I was born here.

Doris Ziffel:
Say, Mrs. Douglas likes animals, don't she?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yes, she's crazy about minks and chinchillas.

Newt Kiley:
[Lisa has talked Newt into returning the eggs to the chickens] All right, which one of you mothers belongs to this?

Lisa Douglas:
[tucking in Oliver's mother] You can sleep later in the morning, I told the rooster not to crow.

Mother Eunice Douglas:
[Mrs. Douglas is startled to wake up and find Alf and Ralph staring at her] Aargh! Who are you?

Ralph Monroe:
Who are you?

Mother Eunice Douglas:
I'm Mr. Douglas' mother.

Alf Monroe:
Oh, that's why you got all those wrinkles.

Lisa Douglas:
Hello there, Mr. Horse.

Chief Yellow Horse:
What your name?

Lisa Douglas:
Lisa.

Chief Yellow Horse:
Hm. Me give you Indian name: Lo Tomato Ho.

Lisa Douglas:
That's very pretty.

Chief Yellow Horse:
Means: squaw with golden hair, but married to sour puss.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Chief Yellow Horse wants to buy Oliver's mother] That's out of the question, she's not for sale.

Chief Yellow Horse:
Then how about young squaw? Give you four pigs and horse!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I'd be cheating you. She only cost me two chickens and a sheep. [rolls his eyes]

Chief Yellow Horse:
Old squaw good looker but rotten cooker! Me gotta find medicine man.

Lisa Douglas:
[Charley is showing Lisa how to run a train engine] What is this?

Charley Pratt:
Mrs. Douglas, that's a brig.

Lisa Douglas:
Way up here? How do you schtep on it?

Charley Pratt:
You don't step on it, you pull it.

Hank Kimball:
[a group of Indians are dancing round on Oliver's property] Well, I sioux the See are here again. No, make that, eh, I see the Sioux are here again. Yes, that has a better ring to it. Well, not a ring...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[telling Eb to save up to buy a car] I pay you more than enough. What do you do with your money?

Eb Dawson:
I send it home to my mother so that she won't have to take in washing. I can't stand to see her kneeling by the side of a stream, pounding some stranger's shirt with a rock!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
If the stranger doesn't mind, then why should you?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Sam says Eb was complaining about mistreatment] I treated him very well!

Sam Drucker:
Only allowing him to have one sock? I don't consider that good treatment.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
One sock? Did he tell you that?

Sam Drucker:
Yeah, and a lot of other things, too. Like how you used to hit 'em everytime his mother ruined one of your shirts when she beat it with a rock.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You didn't believe him, did you?

Sam Drucker:
Not until he asked me to take off his leg irons!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[trying to explain to Lisa why she can't go] No, it's not a stag party. It's a farm symposium.

Lisa Douglas:
What's a symposium?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well, a lot of men sit around a long table and-...

Lisa Douglas:
And the girl comes out of the cake.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No. No girl comes out of a cake!

Lisa Douglas:
What does she come out of?

Tony Ashley:
[being introduced to Lisa] How do you do?

Lisa Douglas:
How do I do what?

Lisa Douglas:
[Lisa is pushing a vacuum cleaner around the front room of the house] Would you put your foot up... your foots up? Put your feets up.

Oliver Douglas:
What's the matter with the vacuum?

Lisa Douglas:
Nothing.

Oliver Douglas:
It's not making any noise.

Lisa Douglas:
Well it only makes a noise when it's plugged in.

Oliver Douglas:
Well if it's not plugged in, it's not going to pick up the dirt.

Lisa Douglas:
There isn't any dirt.

Oliver Douglas:
Well then why are you vacuuming?

Lisa Douglas:
I am not! It's not plugged in!

Sam Drucker:
[after Ralph has chased Schmidlapp away] Doggone, I don't know what Ralph has, but nobody seems to want it.

Mr. Treffinger:
I'm sure you've heard the expression "a new broom sweeps clean."

Lisa Douglas:
No, how does it go?

Oliver Douglas:
You're kidding.

Hank Kimball:
About what?

Oliver Douglas:
About being fired.

Hank Kimball:
Oh, no, Mr. Douglas, I wouldn't kid about losing the only job I ever had.

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa, would you do me a favor? Will you keep your big Hungarian nose out of this? [leaves]

Lisa Douglas:
Well, that's the last time I ever marry him!

Oliver Douglas:
Where's your brother?

Alf Monroe:
She's outside.

Ralph Monroe:
[appears in the closet] Yes and I'm not coming in!

Oliver Douglas:
What?

Ralph Monroe:
This place has too many memories! [leaves, close to tears]

Oliver Douglas:
Oh, for the... What's wrong with her?

Ralph Monroe:
She has a calcium deficiency.

Sam Drucker:
[about Schmidlapp] What'd he say to make you mad, Mr. Douglas?

Oliver Douglas:
He knocked my corn.

Newt Kiley:
Oh, he shouldn't a done that...

Fred Ziffel:
No. Them skinny stalks couldn't stand much knockin'.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[writing irate letter over the tax increase] Why don't you write a letter to the governor! Everybody in town ought to write one!

Lisa Douglas:
Oliver, remember the last time you told everybody in town to write to the electristical company?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yeah! It got action, didn't it!

Lisa Douglas:
Yes. They cut off our electristical.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You know, here a man can practice the law of Abraham Lincoln. [a fife begins playing "Glory Glory Hallelujah" in the background] You know, it was in a town no bigger than this where Lincoln first hung out his shingle, dedicating his life to bringing the protection of the law to all people, regardless of race, creed or color.

Lisa Douglas:
[noticing soundtrack] Oliver, the fife player has a new tune!

Hank Kimball:
A county agent's gotta keep his ear to the ground.

Sam Drucker:
That's explains how you got all those rocks in your head.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[showing the office he's trying to rent to Oliver and Brian] Now let me show you it's other advantages. Running water! [points out water cooler in closet] Now over here we have this burglar-proof wall safe for your important documents. [opens safe and the outdoors is visible] Doggone, somebody swiped the back off of it!

Brian Williams:
You said this place had three rooms.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
It does. There's this room and two others down the hall. One marked "Men" and another marked "Women."

Lisa Douglas:
[Oliver has begun finding objects mistakenly baked into Lisa's poundcake] One of my earrings are missing.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Your earrings? [pulls earring out of cake] This one? Anything else?

Lisa Douglas:
The frying pan.

Alf Monroe:
We could build a lawyer stand right near the road.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I have... a lawyer stand?

Ralph Monroe:
Yeah, that's just like a fruit stand, except you sell law.

Uncle Joe Carson:
[on phone] Well, I guess you ain't heard the news yet. The young Mrs. Douglass is having a b.a.b.i.e.

Mother Eunice Douglas:
B.a.b.i.e.? What is a babie?

Eb Dawson:
Mr. Kimball, is there any law against fishing for baracudda in a barn?

Uncle Joe Carson:
How would you like to play a little poker at the Elks Club tonight?

Mother Eunice Douglas:
The Elks Club?

Uncle Joe Carson:
I can get you in. I'll borrow a tooth.

Mother Eunice Douglas:
Really Mr. Carson, I am not interested.

Uncle Joe Carson:
That ain't the whole evenin'. Afterwards, we go bowling. Then we have a bite at the diner. Dutch treat, of course. I always go dutch on the first date. In case it don't work out, I ain't out nothin'.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, how are you Mr. Kimball? I suppose you heard about the soil reports.

Hank Kimball:
Heard about it? The state university's been burning up the wire! Well, they didn't actually burn. They called Washington!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Washington?

Hank Kimball:
The city, not the man. Well, I mean, he's been - You probably read about that.

Registrar:
Now, what course are you interested in?

Lisa Douglas:
What have you got?

Registrar:
Oh, we have a long list to choose from.

Lisa Douglas:
May I see the menu?

Registrar:
Uh, don't cha mean the curriculum?

Lisa Douglas:
What's a cirricumum?

Registrar:
[hands her the book] Here's the menu.

Lisa Douglas:
[describing course on first day of class] Therefore, in a broad sense, psychology is the study of the inner self. We'll be going into this more specifically, going into many theories such as Freud's that all our dives are sex oriented.

Lisa Douglas:
I didn't know this class was going to be about Oriental sex!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[trying to sell a psychologist's couch] Junk? I'll have you know this is the very couch used by that famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Frood.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Sigmund Frood?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Or, "Siggy Baby" as Marie Antoinette used to call him. She was his first patient, ya know.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
They weren't even around at the same time!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Oh, they was very careful not to be seen together, but many's a time "Siggy" psychoed Marie on this very couch.

Eb Dawson:
Mr. Douglas, you wouldn't be needing a hired hand, would you?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, no, I'm planning on farming this place myself.

Eb Dawson:
You ever done any farming?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[proudly] Oh, a little.

Lisa Douglas:
Dahling, don't be so modest. My husband had the biggest squash on Park Avenue!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[demanding his sinks and tub be returned by Haney] If they were in the house when I bought it, they belong to me!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Did you read your bill of sale?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I did!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
All it said was I sold you A house, and that's what you got. A house.

Mister Peters:
Mr. Douglas was worried about crows.

Horace Bennett:
He should have been worried about squirrels, they'd probably burry a nut like him.

Mrs. Bennett:
Horrace!

Eb Dawson:
Well, there sure is a lot of tension around here tonight, it's like a Joan Crawford movie.

Mr. Haney:
Now, just take a look at what I got on my truck. Maybe some item will tickle your fancy. That is, if you've got a ticklish fancy. [laughs] Always like to start the dickering with a joke!

Oliver Douglas:
Yeah, well, it's not much of a joke and we are not dickering.

Lisa Douglas:
All I have to do is give you my name, rank and stereo number.

Oliver Douglas:
You know, when I married you, I knew you didn't have too much up here, but the rest of you made up for it. But now that I'm getting older... [shakes his head]

Lisa Douglas:
[apologetic] I ran out of hotscakes flowers and I can't make you hotscakes for breakfast.

Oliver Douglas:
[brightens up] You can't make hotcakes?

Lisa Douglas:
Shall I get the whip?

Oliver Douglas:
No, no, no, just let me sit here and let it sing in. No hotcakes... [he starts to whistle]

Lisa Douglas:
You're not very upset?

Oliver Douglas:
Well, I'm just covering up for what's inside: relief.

Oliver Douglas:
[Mr. Haney has a decorated bathtub on the back of his truck] What is that?

Mr. Haney:
Eh, what is what?

Oliver Douglas:
That monstrosity!

Mr. Haney:
Mr. Douglas, may I shake your hand?

Oliver Douglas:
What for?

Mr. Haney:
You show that to a hundred people and probably not more than one of 'em will recognize it as a genuine Monstrositi. That is the work of Fedeccini Monstrositi, the last of the great Italian bathtub makers.

Doris Ziffel:
Oh, I know: men. First they marry you. Then they want you to make beds, make supper, make bisquits, make jam! They don't want wives, they want makin' machines. Boy, it's tough being a woman.

Lisa Douglas:
It sure is. But I don't know how to do anything else.

Lisa Douglas:
Where do you keep the booze?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
The booze?

Lisa Douglas:
Well, you know, the bottle you keep for municipal porpoises.

Lisa Douglas:
[having found several credits printed on freshly laid eggs] What's the matter with you chickens? All of your eggs coming out with names on.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa, any school child can figure that out in it's head.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, I didn't go to a head-school. The school I went to, all they told me is to count how many carats there are in a diamond. The way you do that: you find a jeweler...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Lisa has hired Alf and Ralph as domestic help] Now about the help... Do you want to fire them, or shall I?

Lisa Douglas:
[Alf and Ralph look close to tears] Why, you wouldn't fire them on Christmas?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
It's not Christmas!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
When you proposed to me, you said that every day is going to be like Christmas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[mellows as he remembers and smiles] Oh, so I did. Merry Christmas, darling. [kisses Lisa on the lips, then turns to Alf and Ralph] You're fired. [Alf and Ralph burst out crying]

Lisa Douglas:
Well, we don't like cucumbers. What other vegetables are there?

Hank Kimball:
Oh, I have a list here as long as my arm. [grabs the lists and compares it's length with his right arm] No, I guess it's shorter.

Lisa Douglas:
Eh, can I have that?

Hank Kimball:
Well no, I need it to hold my wristwatch on. Oh, heh heh, you mean the list.

Fred Ziffel:
[angry when Arnold the Pig begins to bark] Did you hear that? Why, that hussy has taught him to bark like a dog.

Doris Ziffel:
Well, it doesn't hurt for somebody to know another language.

Lisa Douglas:
You don't know anything about love, do you?

Oliver Douglas:
Well, I am not an expert at it, I have looked at Peyton Place a couple of times.

Fred Ziffel:
[Lisa and Oliver start arguing in front of the Ziffels] Mr. Douglas, if we'd wanted to listen to fight, we'd have stayed at home.

Oliver Douglas:
Why don't you go over and see Mr. Haney and ask him to keep his dog away?

Fred Ziffel:
No, no, no, I don't talk to him.

Doris Ziffel:
No, they've been feuding for ten years.

Oliver Douglas:
What about?

Fred Ziffel:
Oh, I forget. But it must have been something pretty terrible, to make me remember it this long.

Oliver Douglas:
Well, that makes about as much sense as anything that's been said here today.

Fred Ziffel:
Mr. Douglas, now we don't want into sarcasm. What we want is advice.

Hank Kimball:
[about Quincy, his Irish Setter] Of course he isn't really for Ireland. Although he has a cousin that lives in Dublin. Yeah, Quincy writes to him every week. Well, he doesn't write to him, I write to him. Quincy dictates to me.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, I've never seen such inhospitootily.

Oliver Douglas:
That's my middle name: inhospitootily.

Hank Kimball:
Oh, Mr. Douglas, I can give you one piece of advice: if the vet can't get the radio out of Eleanor, why don't you try to get another cow with another radio? Then you'd have stereo. [laughs]

Oliver Douglas:
[the vet is examining Eleanor the cow] Eh, doctor, eh, never mind Eleanor. See what you can do for my wife.

Lisa Douglas:
Eleanor! What are you doing out of bed?

Eb Dawson:
Yeah, go back to bed, you stupid cow! Double crosser! Radio eater!

Lisa Douglas:
It's just like in the movies, Oliver: everything ends happily. The fellow kisses the girl, and the cow's stomach starts to play music.

Oliver Douglas:
Yeah... Television has a long way to go to catch up.

Lisa Douglas:
[to Haney, discussing Bertram not crowing] We didn't hear a peep out of him!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Well, he ain't a peeper. He's a crower.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
He's not a crower. He's a pecker!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Uh, please, you haven't told me what you think of the farm, yet.

Hank Kimball:
What I think? [trying to avoid answering] Well, uh. Actually, it's, uh. Well, you see, a farm is, uh. [getting into jeep] I'll try and rush this report right through!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
If there's something wrong, I'd like to know what it is.

Hank Kimball:
What it is? What it is.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yes, give me your frank opinion.

Hank Kimball:
Frank opinion? Well, uh.

Eb Dawson:
Want me to wipe the perspiration off your forehead, Mr. Kimball?

Lisa Douglas:
All right darling, you can drive me to Hootersville now.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Eh, sweetheart, as long as we're gonna live here, you should learn to pronounce the name of the town correctly: 'Hooterville'.

Lisa Douglas:
All right, let's go to Hoosterville.

Eb Dawson:
[Ed walks up] You going into Hoosterville?

Lisa Douglas:
[explaining how her father became a count] He had something on the king.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What king?

Lisa Douglas:
The one who forgot to pull down the shades at the palace.

Lisa Douglas:
[making hotcakes] Would you like to turn them?

Mother Eunice Douglas:
[appalled] I've never touched a kitchen utensil in my life!

Lisa Douglas:
Dahling, cooking is fun!

Mother Eunice Douglas:
Oh, poor darling. You've cracked under the strain.

Lisa Douglas:
Mother, why don't you try to make yourself useful.

Mother Eunice Douglas:
Oh, I fully intend to. I'm going to get a court order and have you taken out of here!

Newt Kiley:
[Lisa come out onto the front porch] Doggone! You sure look purddy, Mrs. Douglas.

Lisa Douglas:
Why, thank you!

Fred Ziffel:
Oh, I wish my wife looked that pretty in the morning... or the afternoon... or the evening... or in the summer.

Hank Kimball:
I'll, uh, leave you a couple of bulletins from the department. Maybe give you a little help there.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, thank you! You know, you county agents certainly perform a great service to us farmers.

Hank Kimball:
Well, it's our job to help people who don't know what they're doing.

Lisa Douglas:
[to Oliver] Boy, what a grouch! That's what I get for marrying a man 68 years older than me!

Mr. Johnson:
[Lisa is buying a tractor for Oliver] Just put on a blue bow, the fellow I'm sending it to is a boy.

Mr. Johnson:
Well I'll do what I can.

Lisa Douglas:
And would you put a big card on it, saying 'Happy Birthday'?

Mr. Johnson:
Eh, from who?

Lisa Douglas:
A friend. Well, he'll know who it is, he doesn't have too many.

Fred Ziffel:
Come on, Doris!

Doris Ziffel:
I'm walking as fast as I can! The least you could do, is help me carry these groceries.

Fred Ziffel:
Well I have to eat 'em, ain't that enough?

Lisa Douglas:
[about Oliver] Well, I guess you can't expect a man who is 72 years older than me, to stay up late.

Lisa Douglas:
[Lisa sighs after a kiss from Oliver] It's hard to believe that you are 81 years older than I am.

Newt Kiley:
Hey, this letter's from Washington D.C. What's that there 'D.C.' stand for?

Fred Ziffel:
Department of Congress.

Newt Kiley:
Oh. I, I knew it had something to do with the government.

Doris Ziffel:
[to Lisa] I sure hope you stay. I love it when you drop over here of an afternoon for coffee and girl talk.

Lisa Douglas:
Thank you.

Doris Ziffel:
Fred likes it, too. When he gets home after you been here, he always says how nice the place smells.

Oliver Douglas:
[about to drive off to Drucker's store] I'm going in to pick up some aspirin for Eb. And eh... to get a present.

Lisa Douglas:
For whom?

Oliver Douglas:
It's a surprise.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, if you want to know any sizes, why don't you call me. My number is: Hootersville 631.

Oliver Douglas:
Yes, I know your number, I just can't remember your name.

Lisa Douglas:
[mildly outraged] Oliver!

Oliver Douglas:
Ok, Oliver. I'll call you if I need you.

Hank Kimball:
Mr. Douglas, I'm here to tell you that... your little game is up.

Oliver Douglas:
My game?

Hank Kimball:
If you think you can pull the whool over the eyes of the American farmer's backbone with those eight minute speeches, you're badly mistaken.

Oliver Douglas:
[the Hooterville townfolks think Oliver's a CIA agent] Gentlemen, you've found me out. My real name is not Oliver Wendell Douglas. In Washington I am known as '189'. And Hortence Kalish, here... [indicating Lisa]... is known as 37-29-42.

Lisa Douglas:
[outraged] 42 I'm not!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
And you're still not going to send anybody to the convention?

Mr. Haney:
I don't see why you're so head up, it's not like we're against the Red Cross or anything.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, I didn't mean that...

Mr. Haney:
The only thing we're against is Gene Autry kissing the girl at the end of the picture.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Why, that's different...

Mr. Haney:
Even if it was Ruby Keeler, I wouldn't wanna see Gene kiss her.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I'm a farmer. I called from Hooterville and we have a reservation for a suite.

Clerk:
Under what name?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Clerk:
[shuffles some blue cards] Ah, yes, yes, here we are: Oscar Mendell McDoogal.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, no, it's Oscar Wendell McDouglas. I mean, Oscar Doo- Oscar McDou- Oscar... O- Oliver! Oliver Dooglas McWendell.

Clerk:
While you're trying to make up your mind, will you please stand aside, we have a long line.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[introducing Wanda to Lisa] Lisa, I want you to meet an old balloon of mine...

Charlie:
Say, eh, pal, level with me, will ya? What is all this?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
This is our house.

Charlie:
Who done it to ya? Tell me, we'll take care of 'em.

Lisa Douglas:
[about the Douglas' farm] This is the way it was when we bought it.

Charlie:
[takes Lisa's hand] Oh, you poor kid. And all the time we were dancing, you were smilin' and laughin', knowin' you had to come back to this.

Lisa Douglas:
I also cried a little.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
...The nut on television is predicting rain! The numbskull on the radio is singing a song about the drought! Isn't there anybody around here who can give you accurate weather information?

Hank Kimball:
Of course - if you want fast, accurate, up-to-the-minute weather information, you just pick up the phone and call me, and I'll give you the latest scientific forecast.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You have a weather station?

Hank Kimball:
No... an almanac.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You go by - ?

Hank Kimball:
Richard Poor's - founded and written by Franklin Benjamin. I've found the almanac to be almost infallible. Well, not almost - and not infallible - it's usually right some of the time. Now, here's what it says for last night: "Salads are made, salads are tossed, don't plant tomatoes because of the frost."

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
The almanac predicted the frost last night? What does it say about today?... "Today's the day for hunting grouse, so get your tomatoes out of the house."!

Hank Kimball:
Well, I guess you know what to do now.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yes, I do - but there's a law against it!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Are you gonna take my tomato plants to Hooterville?

Charlie Pratt:
No, sir.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[turn to Floyd] If I get a truck, will you help Eb load 'em?

Floyd Smoot:
[wearing beach clothes] No, sir. I ain't gonna get no sunstroke.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[turns back to Charlie] Would you?

Charlie Pratt:
[wearing a life jacket] No sir, I can't swim.

Charlie Pratt:
Floyd Smoot, you're a stubborn fool!

Floyd Smoot:
And that goes double for me!

Lisa Douglas:
[angry] Oliver! One of these days you're going to be a little man and you'll come out of your own house and nobody is going to look at you because you're such a grouch!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[shouting] And that will be the happiest day of my life!

Mr. Kimball:
Tomatoes are the dumbest of all plants. You know their IQ is hardly above what a 6-year old child's is?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Eb is dressed for a drought in a swimsuit, jungle helmet & sunglasses] Eb, we've got to go to Pixley to pick up the tomato plants. Now take that stupid outfit off.

Eb Dawson:
Pixley's a pretty big town. I ought to wear something.

Lisa Douglas:
Eb's right. He might get arrested for undecent explosion.

Mr. Haney:
[hods up two troll dolls he claims are voodoo dolls] And this is the Mildred hexer and this is the Walter jinxer. Just a few pins in the right places and you can put the weather where everyou want it.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Do you happen to have a Haney hexer?

Mr. Haney:
No, I don't believe I do.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, that's too bad. Then I'll have to start sticking the pins in you personally.

Lisa Douglas:
He's seeing things that aren't there.

Mother Eunice Douglas:
[laughs] Is that all?

Lisa Douglas:
Mother! It's serious!

Mother Eunice Douglas:
It's hereditary. His father used to see pink elephants. He was a liberal Republican.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[at the lake] We won't go hungry after all. There are apples here.

Lisa Douglas:
What are apple ears?

Eb Dawson:
[explaining to trooper where his $300 came from] That's another story. You see, about six months ago I got a letter from my Uncle Wallaby in Australia.

Lisa Douglas:
You never said you had an uncle in Australia.

State Trooper Jack Webster:
Oh?

Eb Dawson:
Oh, he must've slipped my mind. Anyway, $300 doesn't mean a thing to him. He's very wealthy. He bottles sheep dip. It's a very popular drink, especially in the summertime. It tastes kinda like a hairy vodka.

Lisa Douglas:
[to Judge Perkins] Your Honor, Eb is innocent. He was framed! Just like Frank Nitti!

Judge Perkins:
Frank Nitti?

Eb Dawson:
The feller that gave Mr. Douglas his still.

Judge Perkins:
What still?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Your Honor...

Judge Perkins:
Counselor, don't you know it's against the law to operate a still?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I don't operate one!

Eb Dawson:
No, he just sits and looks at it and dreams of the old days in Chi-car-go.

Lisa Douglas:
Eb! Where are you going all dressed up?

Eb Dawson:
I got a date.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
With what?

Eb Dawson:
It's not a "what" this time - it's a "who."

Lisa Douglas:
What's her name?

Eb Dawson:
Claudelia Frinkhouser. She's English.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Frinkhouser? That doesn't sound like an English name.

Eb Dawson:
Then why does she always carry a bag of fish and chips around with her?

Lisa Douglas:
Well, that's very English.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, yes, yes - very. Does she take off her monocle while she's eating?

Eb Dawson:
She don't wear a monocle. She has a contact lens with a string on it.

Eb Dawson:
Boy, you sure are ruining my love life. In our civilization a fella without wheels is nowhere.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Eb, even with wheels you're nowhere.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Eb refuses to give Oliver his letters] Will you stop censoring my mail!

Eb Dawson:
They're bills, and I know what a foul mood they always put you in.

Lisa Douglas:
[to Eb] You're absolutely right!

Eb Dawson:
It's better to censor your mail than it is to have to censor your language.

Lisa Douglas:
[to Eb] You're absolutely right!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa! I don't need you telling him that he's right!

Eb Dawson:
[to Oliver] You're absolutely right!.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[looking for Lisa] Where's Mrs. Douglas?

Eb Dawson:
Who?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Mr. Douglas.

Eb Dawson:
Oh, you mean the lady dentist.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Look, Eb...

Eb Dawson:
Dr. Gronyitz is gone.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Gone?

Eb Dawson:
Yeah. she packed up her drill and her laughing gas and left.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
This so-called post office is a farce.

Sam Drucker:
[tries to talk Oliver out of sending another hotheaded complaint letter, this one to the U.S. Post Office] Remember the last time you wrote a complaining letter?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
To whom?

Sam Drucker:
Take your pick. They were all disasters.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, that's not...

Sam Drucker:
It was two weeks to get our lights back on when you wrote to the electric company.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well, that was...

Sam Drucker:
We didn't get any water for a month after you wrote to the water company.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yeah, well...

Sam Drucker:
And there was the school bus fiasco, the condemned bridge fiasco... Well, uh, u name it, and it was a fiasco!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I'd take a little seed, a tiny little seed, I'd, I'd plant it in the ground, I'd put some dirt on it, I'd water it, and pretty soon, do you know what I'd have?

Lisa Douglas:
A dirty little wet seed.

Lisa Douglas:
What is that?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
It's a sunlamp! I bought it today. The corn is not getting enough sun, it can't get through the smog.

Lisa Douglas:
[Oliver is about to leave for the airport] Haven't you forgotten something? [meaning a goodbye kiss]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[putting down his suitcase and reaching into a fancy cabinet] My 'Farm Gazette'!

Mother:
[to Lisa] I told you not to marry him, I warned you.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Look, who's side are you on, anyway?

Mother:
Hers!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
But you're *my* mother!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[driving through Hooterville] Hmm, you never smelled air like that in the city.

Lisa Douglas:
No I didn't. What is that?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[sniffles] Oh, that's Fred Ziffel's. He runs a pig farm.

Lisa Douglas:
He should run it in another direction.

Eb Dawson:
[giving a Oliver a pep talk] Mr. Douglas, it's not a crime to lose all your money. It's just stupid.

Mr. Roy Trendell:
[informing Oliver that his mother has quit as operator] She wouldn't work for him after he stole the company from me.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What are you talking about? I didn't steal the company from you. You-you-you gave it to me!

Mr. Roy Trendell:
That's not Mom's version. She's going around telling everybody how you got me drunk, lured me into a poker game and won the company from me with a marked deck!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What?

Lisa Douglas:
That's the way he won me from the count. Only that time he did it with loaded dice.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa, would you go over to Drucker's and get a broom and some dust cloths.

Lisa Douglas:
Did you ever run for dictator of anything?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Go!

Lisa Douglas:
[reading an incomplete sign on the Hotterville Telephone Company windo] 'Ervice is ur mott.' Do you know what that means in Hungarian? It means that the customer is chopped liver.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
It's supposed to read 'Service is our motto.'

Lisa Douglas:
Oh? Do you know what that means in Hungarian? [Oliver walks to the door] Don't you want to know it? It's very sexy. People only say it to each other.

Hank Kimball:
[Kimball's hand is caught in a trap] Boy, these rhinoceros traps really work, huh?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Rhinoceros?

Hank Kimball:
Yeah. See, right there. [reading the lettering on the trap] Rhinoceros brand traps. Now there's their motto right there, heh. 'A Rhinoceros trap really grabs ya'. The motto was written by the same person who wrote the motto on the window 'Ervice is ur mott'. [slyly] Know what that means in Portuguese?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I haven't the slightest idea.

Hank Kimball:
Right! I didn't know you understood Portuguese.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Eh, did you fix the switchboard?

Mr. McGurney:
Well you see, I don't know much about switchboards, I'm an electrician. Well, that is I'm a part-time electrician, I'm really a taxidermist but this is my slack season.

Sam Drucker:
[Lisa asks if he was able to order any caviar] No, but they told me they were coming out with a do it yourself caviar kit.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
A caviar kit?

Sam Drucker:
Yeah, you cook up a box of tapioca and you stir in some licorice for color, and then add some sardine oil for the fish taste.

Lisa Douglas:
Order me one of those!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[in bed, delivers another patriotic speech in bed while fife plays "Yankee Doodle" on soundtrack] Yes, I'm tired. But it's a proud tiredness. An American tiredness!

Lisa Douglas:
[kisses him] Goodnight Oliver.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Good night dear.

Lisa Douglas:
[turns off light, then turns it back on again] Oliver? Would you please tell the fellow to stop playing the fife. I want to go to sleep.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[on the phone, a recording says the operator is having rump roast trouble] They got to be kidding!

Lisa Douglas:
People don't kid about rump roast trouble.

Newt Kiley:
Rump roast trouble? That's a new recording. At least it ain't in the phone company album I have.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
They put out an album?

Sam Drucker:
Yeah. The company gives 'em out to you as a bonus if you don't complain about anything for a whole year.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[complaining about the phone service] I tried to get a call through to the Hoyt-Clagwell factory in Fargo, North Dakota.

Sam Drucker:
Even if Sarah was there you couldn't get through to them. She doesn't have a Fargo hole on the switchboard.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Call Chicago! They route it through there.

Lisa Douglas:
Maybe they don't have a router hole.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
The office was deserted. Nobody was there, not even Kimball, the phone company disc jockey. I looked through the window. It seemed that everybody in the valley is trying to get a call through, the switchboard was lit up like a Christmas tree.

Sam Drucker:
Oh, that is a Christmas tree. Sarah's a little late taking it down.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Sarah's a little late in a lot of things...

Lisa Douglas:
Before you tell me your bad news, let me tell you my good news: Irving works. [points at Irving Two Smokes the wooden Indian]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
He what?

Lisa Douglas:
While you were away, not a single cowboy showed up!

Lisa Douglas:
This always happens, Olivar. Every time you open your mouth, somebody sticks a phone company in it.

Eb Dawson:
[holding dictionary] I can't hold my silence any longer! [points at Oliver] That man there is a philanthropist! [looks confused] No, that's not right.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, for the love...

Eb Dawson:
Philanderer!

Lisa Douglas:
You mean he gives money away?

Eb Dawson:
Uh, no ma'am. [from dictionary] It says right here: philanderer, one who is guilty of hanky-panky!

Maitre d':
Would you care to order dinner?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[his chair at the table has disappeared] I'd like a chair!

Maitre d':
What, may I ask, did you do with the last one you had?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I didn't do anything with it! I just got up to dance!

Maitre d':
With a chair?

Lisa Douglas:
[Oliver's received an offer from his old law firm] I wouldn't live here for anything!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
But you're the one who always wanted to move back here?

Lisa Douglas:
That was before I saw what New York does to you. It turns you from a Dr. Jerky into a Mr. Hive.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What are you talking...

Lisa Douglas:
Oliver, there are two yous: the New York you and the Hootersville you, and I prefer you when you're Dr. Jerky, which is the Hooterville you.

Eb Dawson:
It's good to see you again.

Mr. Wurthwaxer:
It's good to see you again, too.

Eb Dawson:
I can tell by the blank expression on your face that you don't remember me. I'm Eb Dawson I was in the graduating of '61 '62 '63 '64 and '65!

Mr. Wurthwaxer:
Well, I'm glad you finally got out.

Eb Dawson:
It wasn't easy. I had to go over the wall.

Lisa Douglas:
[to Mr. Wurthwaxer] Would you believe, I never went to high school. I had a private tutor who used to come over and toot me everyday.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Lisa wants to go to the movies] What's playing?

Lisa Douglas:
The Atomic Pizza.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
The Atomic" - ?

Lisa Douglas:
It's about this scientist who's in love with this Italian girl who owns her own pizza parlor. But she doesn't like him, so to get even with her, he pours some radioactive stuff on her pizza. This makes the pepperonis grow and before you know it pepperoni's rule the world!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[sarcastically] Oh, that sounds like a real Jim Dandy.

Lisa Douglas:
It's made by the same studio that made The Human Hamburger Goes to Hawaii. Remember that, where the hamburger was born with the brains and...

Alfred Newton:
I'm dating a freak-out.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
How do they determine how much

[State Farm Unattached Duty Tax]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
you owe?

Hank Kimball:
Well, they take your acreage and - well, they don't take your acreage unless you didn't pay the tax bill. They have a computer with a stack of cards, and each card has a taxpayer's name on it. In your case it would be, uh - well, whatever your name is. Each card has holes punched in it. This is done at the State Department of Hole Punching. Three men work there - the Head Hole Puncher, the Assistant Head Hole Puncher, and his brother-in-law.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Which one punched the holes in your head?

Eb Dawson:
Mrs. Douglas takes care of Linda and Sheila and I take care of the shower caps.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
The last time you had election for assemblyman, who ran from this district?

Sam Drucker:
I did.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh?

Sam Drucker:
I was defeated.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Who ran against you?

Sam Drucker:
Nobody.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
And you lost?

Sam Drucker:
No.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well then you won?

Sam Drucker:
No.

[a beat]

Sam Drucker:
No, you see, election day is the first Tuesday after the first Monday in September. But the word got around it was the first first Monday after the first Tuesday and that's when everybody showed up. And by that time, it was too late.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
When was this?

Fred Ziffel:
1922.

Eb Dawson:
[runs into the house, shouting] Mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What?

Eb Dawson:
You'd better get out of town.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Why?

Eb Dawson:
They're gonna tar and feather you for getting that tax refund.

Lisa Douglas:
Darling, I'm so proud of you.

Lisa Douglas:
[Lisa finds Oliver with a young woman in their hotel room] Well, what have we got here?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Eh, this is Miss Hawkney, she's a public stenogropher.

Lisa Douglas:
Then why is she stenographing here, in private?

Windy Hinkle:
[Arnold the pig arrives oinking just as Oliver gets in the barber's chair] I'm sorry. Mr. Douglas. Arnold is next.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What?

Windy Hinkle:
Well, he - he called for an appointment.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
How could he call?

Windy Hinkle:
He won't take too long. You see, all he gets is a bay rum spray. Keeps him dainty.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
He can wait a few minutes to be dainty. I'm next! [to Arnold] Sit down. Read a magazine.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
It's the latest wrinkle in barbering equipment! [barber's chair on the back of his truck begins shaking] It vibrates away the customer's cares while he's getting his hair cut. I bet you ain't seen anything shimmy like that since Gilda Gray!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, I haven't.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
It'll pay for itself in three months with the loose change it vibrates out of the customer's pockets.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Goodbye, Mr. Haney.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Hank Kimball has just read aloud a confusing pamphlet] I don't understand what that means.

Hank Kimball:
You don't? Well, you don't have to understand what it eh, it eh... It was printed in eh... [turns to backcover]... Washington. Well, and when they print something in Washington, they know what it means.

Lisa Douglas:
[explaining to a frightened Mort that Arnold the Pig comes over every day to watch TV] Yes. His father, Mr. Ziffel, only has a black and white set at home.

Mort Warner:
You-you mean there's an older pig who owns a black and white TV set?

Lisa Douglas:
No, no. His father isn't an older pig. He's an older man. Arnold is the Ziffels' only child.

Mort Warner:
[stuttering] Only child?

Lisa Douglas:
Well, they had a daughter, but she ran away with another goat.

Mort Warner:
Another goat?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes. How do you like Hooterville so far?

Eb Dawson:
What do you do for a livin'?

Mort Warner:
I write for Newsweek.

Eb Dawson:
I write for Newsweek too, but they never send it.

Tom Blackwell:
[giving Lisa driving lessons] Do you know what these are? [points to the gear shift] P-R-N-D-L.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh yes. that's a pernundel. My husband has a pernundel on his car, too.

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa! When are you going to learn how to cook right?

Lisa Douglas:
Stop yelling!

Oliver Douglas:
I have a right to yell! This...

Lisa Douglas:
One morning you don't get your hotcakes and you turn into be a beast.

Oliver Douglas:
That's not true, I'm more of a beast when I get them!

Lisa Douglas:
The most important thing is to marry a man who loves you. Because if he loves you, you can get away with murder. Now I don't know how to cook, but Mr. Douglas loves me, and I have more diamonds than any of my friends. who are better cooks than I am. Also emeralds.

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa, we're not going to smooch, we're gonna talk about school.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh. It's father-son time.

Oliver Douglas:
It's husband-wife time.

Lisa Douglas:
Then we are going to smooch. [throws her arms around him]

Mister Dillman:
Now, today we are going to examine the Austro-Hungarian monarchy.

Lisa Douglas:
[stands up] I can help you with that, because I come from Hungary. Most people don't know that, because I don't speak with an accident anymore.

Lisa Douglas:
[regarding Eb] Poor boy. Thrown out of college just because he didn't graduate high school.

Oliver Douglas:
To be a veterinarian, you've got to have a diploma.

Sam Drucker:
Just like a doctor that treats people.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, well, people's doctor I can understand, because people go to the office and look at the diploma, but, but animals, never.

Sam Drucker:
Well eh...

Oliver Douglas:
Eh, eh, wait till you hear the next part of it.

Lisa Douglas:
When Eb fixed up Alice, she didn't look for his diploma, and neither did Arnold when Eb saved him from the shiver-shake shim-shams.

Sam Drucker:
Well eh...

Oliver Douglas:
I don't think she's finished.

Lisa Douglas:
Now if Eb needs a diploma, he should go to college so he can become a vegetarian.

Oliver Douglas:
[Lisa wants Oliver to send Eb to college] Well it can be pretty expensive.

Lisa Douglas:
How expensive? Mink coat expensive or sable coat expensive?

Oliver Douglas:
Mink.

Lisa Douglas:
Well then why don't we send Eb to college instead?

Oliver Douglas:
Instead of what?

Lisa Douglas:
You buying me a mink coat.

Oliver Douglas:
I wasn't gonna buy you a mink coat.

Lisa Douglas:
Well then you certainly can afford to send Eb to college.

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa!

Lisa Douglas:
Although... if I go to visit Eb in college, it wouldn't be nice if I would go without a mink coat.

Oliver Douglas:
Mr. Haney, how would you like me to dent your hip-flask? [turns Haney around as if to kick him]

Sam Drucker:
Here are the suggestions the committee made for our Drobny Day celebration: the Bolshoi Ballet, the Canadian Mounties' Marching Band, and Carol Bakewell's All-Girl Bell Ringers.

Sam Drucker:
What we gotta do is figure some way to attract outside money here. Remember the crowds that used to flock in on weekends?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Yeah. Too bad Newt Kiley's two-headed rooster died.

Hank Kimball:
[watching the TV set] Is that Ed Sullivan?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
That's a test pattern!

Hank Kimball:
Boy, it sure looked like Ed Sullivan.

Lisa Douglas:
Oliver, you didn't let Ralph blow her buggle.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I don't care if she blows her brains out. I am not paying them until this room is finished!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[to Haney after seeing Molly in the mirror] Did you ever notice a wrinkled old hag in the mirror when you were shaving?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
No. But my wife did.

Eb Dawson:
If you need me, I'll be hiding.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Look, frying pans and coffee pots don't go flying around by themselves. Wait a minute... there's a word for that: poltergeist.

Lisa Douglas:
What is that?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well, it's a supernatural phenomenon.

Lisa Douglas:
What is that, stupid unnatural phenomenemon?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Can I ask you something? What would make a rock beep?

Wilson:
[dismissing Oliver as a kook] I'd say about three martinis.

Dr. Barton Stuart:
[look at X-ray of the supposed moon rock] Nothing in it. It's all rock.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Are you sure?

Dr. Barton Stuart:
Positive.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Why, that's impossible. I heard it beep!

Dr. Barton Stuart:
[begins writing prescription] I tell you what. The beeping will stop in a couple of days if you'll just take two of these every hour.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[showing the Moon rocks on the back of his truck] Them two big ones are Mars rocks.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Mars rocks?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Hurled at me by an unfriendly flying saucer.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, boy!

Lisa Douglas:
They don't look like the ones we have.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Uh, that's because most of these come from the dark side of the moon.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh? How were they found?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
With a flashlight.

Eb Dawson:
[Oliver's first day actually farming] Okay, what do ya want to plant?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Look, you don't just go out in the fields and scatter around a hand full of seeds. You gotta plan what you're gonna plant.

Eb Dawson:
Mr. Haney never did.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yes, and did Mr. Haney ever make any money on this farm?

Eb Dawson:
Not until you came along and bought it.

Lisa Douglas:
[in New York City] I just came back to ship our furniture to Green Acres.

Mother Eunice Douglas:
Green Acres? You mean Yuck Manor.

Lisa Douglas:
[Mother is appalled to learn Lisa has taken up cooking] I am sure there must be other women who cook for their husbands.

Lisa Douglas:
[shaking her head] Nobody I know.

Mr. Haney:
[to Eleanor the cow] You know what to do, Eleanor, when you see Mr. Douglas, be sure you look sad. Try to cry a little. [Eleanor moos] Sadder!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[suggesting Lisa to play Granny] Great. She used to be a star on the Hungarian stage. Oh, she'd be perfect for Granny. She's the right size. Eh, she won't need too much makeup.

Lisa Douglas:
Oliver!

Eb Dawson:
[rehearsing Jethro's lines] What is Granny going to make for supper tonight?

Lisa Douglas:
[reading Elly May's lines] Breast of pollywog with possum's toes and crawdad turnovers.

Eb Dawson:
Goooooody!

Lisa Douglas:
Why don't you set yourself down on your you all and I will go out to the see-mint pond and catch us a barracuda.

Eb Dawson:
[Eb has a meeting with the Hooterville Young Peoples Agricultural Society] I gotta leave. [gets up and walks to the door]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Bye...

Eb Dawson:
[opens the door but stays in the kitchen] I was hopin' some kind man would lend me his car.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well, start walking, maybe you'll meet one on the way.

Eb Dawson:
There ain't none here in the kitchen, huh?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No.

Lisa Douglas:
[talking about her acting career in the old country] We used to do those very dramatic plays like 'The Cherry Orchard', 'Dolls House', 'War and Peace', 'Budapest Parastock'...

Sam Drucker:
What was that last one?

Lisa Douglas:
Budapest Hillbilies.

Sam Drucker:
The Budapest Hillbilies?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, you know, it's the story about tha Hungarian peasant who struck goulash and moved his family to the Swiss Alps.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[a big round piece of bread dough has landed on Oliver's head as he entered the kitchen] I suppose you can explain this?

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, oh yes. I struck out with the schpaghetti, so I thought I'd make a pizza.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What have you got against the Italians?

Eb Dawson:
[Oliver gives him the plate of butter and unshelled peanuts] Oh boy, my favorite! Do it yourself peanut butter.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[after first hearing Mr. Fred talk] No, its not possible! Awwww. That's very funny. Alright Eb, where are you?

Mr. Fred:
He went out an hour ago.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, I didn't ask you!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Lisa explains the blue feather curse] Oh, here we go with another silly Hungarian superstition.

Lisa Douglas:
You wouldn't say it was silly if you saw what happened to my uncle after she got the blue feather.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Your uncle after she got - ?

Lisa Douglas:
He used to be my aunt. That was only the beginning. The next thing that happened to him was he grew a tail!

Ben Hanks:
[Oliver's introduced as a lawyer] Glad to meet a bona fide practicing member of the bar.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, no. I gave up my practice in New York when I cam out here.

Ben Hanks:
Oh. Disbarred, huh?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, I was not disbarred!

Ben Hanks:
Now, now, sir. We all have something in the past that we try to hide and I don't hold nothing against no man. I'm glad to know you Mr. Dingle!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Uh, Douglas.

Ben Hanks:
Ah. Good idea, changing your name to get a fresh start!

Lisa Douglas:
[about Ralph] Why don't you want to take her? Don't you like her?

Hank Kimball:
Aww, she's not too bad. She's not too good either. Ah, well, she does have some nice, uh... Well, they're not really nice, uh... Well, they're not really nice, they're, uh... I'll say one thing for her: she's a mess!

Sam Drucker:
[Haney claims that Lisa and Hank are running off to Acapulco] That's nonsense. Mrs. Douglas isn't that kind of a woman.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
That's what they said about Cleopatra just before she run off with Richard Burton.

Sam Drucker:
Cleopatra didn't...

Fred Ziffel:
I still can't figure why she picked Hank Kimball.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Well, I've heard he has a certain animal attraction.

Fred Ziffel:
Well, I never seen no dogs runnin' after him.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[after the ball] Could we forget the whole thing? It was a shambles.

Lisa Douglas:
It wasn't a complete shambles. You did come in third in the beauty contest.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I didn't enter the beauty contest. I was just walking by to get you a drink of water. Somebody pinned a ribbon on me.

Lisa Douglas:
You could have won if you'd been nicer to the judges.

Lisa Douglas:
[looking at Oliver's refund check] Oh, $84.72! That's three dollars more than you made last year.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I made over 800 last year! And I paid too much income tax; this is the refund.

Lisa Douglas:
Why don't you let them keep the refund and send you the $800.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, they wouldn't...

Lisa Douglas:
Well, if you could cheat for $84, you could cheat for $800.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I did not cheat!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[unable to get the locals to return the money] They're going to invest the money in Mr. Haney's monkey racing track.

Fred Feldinger:
What is that?

Lisa Douglas:
It's a track where the monkeys race around chasing a wooden banana.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You know about them?

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, yes. They had them all over Budapest. It was the biggest sport in Hungary. Well, not the biggest sport. The biggest sport was - Well, the government put a stop to that, too.

Fred Feldinger:
Uh, what one was that?

Lisa Douglas:
Goulash betting.

Lisa Douglas:
[ridiculing Oliver's crops] I never saw corn growing until we moved out here four years ago. Come to think of it, I still haven't seen it.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Are you two through with your sarcasm?

Eb Dawson:
Not yet. Mention your tomatoes.

Lisa Douglas:
Or your apples.

Eb Dawson:
Or your squash.

Lisa Douglas:
Or your carrots.

Eb Dawson:
Or we can succotash the whole thing up and make one big sarcasm out of it.

Lisa Douglas:
[pointing out the opening credits to Lori] Now watch carefully. First comes the Executive Producer. [Executive Producer credit appears on screen] I don't know why he comes first. He must be a relative or something. Now comes the "Written by's." [Writers credits appear on screen] They're number two, so they have to try harder. Now comes the most important one, "Directed by." [Director credit appears on screen]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[walking into room] What are you two looking at?

Lori Baker:
Mrs. Douglas is showing me the names.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What names?

Lisa Douglas:
The ones we see once in a while.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[unable to order a part for his Hoyt-Clagwell tractor] How am I going to get the tractor running?

Sam Drucker:
Maybe I could have Hammerin' Hanna make a doohickey for you.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Who's Hammering Hanna?

Sam Drucker:
She's the blacksmith over in Pixley. Her husband's a dentist. She hand forges all the braces for his patients.

Fred Ziffel:
Hold it! Ain't nobody gonna pay no attention to what's going on as long as they got them names up there. [the writers credits are superimposed over Fred, Sam and Hank]

Hank Kimball:
In the future, all farmers will not have to depend on people like myself to get information about farming. I will be replaced by a computer.

Oliver Douglas:
I'll drink to that.

Fred Ziffel:
Well, I don't need no computer to tell me what to do. I've got Doris.

Hank Kimball:
She too can be replaced by a computer.

Fred Ziffel:
Well, I'll drink to that, but not the rest of it.

Ralph Monroe:
[explaining computer dating] Well, they put all your information in the computer, and then when a boy's card matches the girls card, they get married.

Lisa Douglas:
Well that's all right for the cards, but what about the people?

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa, open the door!

Lisa Douglas:
I'm sorry, 723, but I can't allow any strangers in my bedroom.

Oliver Douglas:
[Oliver opens the front door holding his nose] Oh, good morning, Mr. Haney.

Mr. Haney:
[grabs his own nose] Pepperdink.

Oliver Douglas:
What?

Mr. Haney:
Pepperdink!

Oliver Douglas:
[lets go of his nose] What are you talking about?

Mr. Haney:
How come you know the secret sign but you don't know the password?

Fred Ziffel:
Mr. Douglas, I ask you: do you believe it's possible for one o' them computers to tell us farmers what to plant?

Oliver Douglas:
Yes, it is.

Fred Ziffel:
Well, if you believe that, you're a bigger fruitcake then he is. [indicating Hank Kimball]

Oliver Douglas:
Mr. Ziffel, I...

Fred Ziffel:
You're suffering from swiffeled raisins.

Oliver Douglas:
There is nothing wrong with my raisins!

Hank Kimball:
I'll drink to that.

Ralph Monroe:
Well then I can't get married.

Oliver Douglas:
Is that what you wanted the eighteen dollars for, a big wedding?

Ralph Monroe:
No, it's to find a husband.

Lisa Douglas:
In my experience, there are very few good eighteen dollar husbands. Mr. Douglas was a sixhundred dollar job.

Mrs. Blisswell:
[at Cupid's Computer Club] Yes, may I help you?

Lisa Douglas:
Eh, we would like to be punched.

Mrs. Blisswell:
Punched?

Lisa Douglas:
Well you know, with the cards.

Mr. Blisswell:
Mrs. Douglas, did you notice the young lady at the desk when you came in?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes, eh, but my husband noticed her more.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Life is a compromise. We all have to do things that are distasteful to us. You have to give a little to get a little. We all want to save face. But the really big man is the man who can admit: he's wrong.

Eb Dawson:
[believing the prop cow he's found is a real one that Oliver shot] She died a Grade A death. [noticing cow is on its back with legs in the air] I guess she went out the way she wanted to - with her cream on top!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[having been accused of shooting Colby's cow] You're out of your mind!

Lisa Douglas:
No, Oliver. You're the one who's out of your mind. That's how we're going to get you off. You're going to plead temporary insanintation.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[sarcastically] Yeah. There's always been a streak of insanitation in my family.

Hank Kimball:
[saying farewell to Oliver] Yeah, you've been a good friend and I never will forget you Mr... uh... uh...

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[plucking a chicken to determine if Lisa will stay or go] She won't. She will. I've gotten some pretty accurate predictions pluckin'.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
To this day, I can't look at a de-feathered chicken without thinking of my wife.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[finding his mother passed out outside] What's wrong with her?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
I don't know. I picked her up at the depot, drover her out, she got out of truck, took one look at the house and keeled over.

Lisa Douglas:
I can understand that.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Yeah, I guess the rustic beauty is kinda overwhelming.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You'll feel better after you've had breakfast.

Lisa Douglas:
Who's going to cook it?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh well, I want to talk to you about that.

Lisa Douglas:
What is there to talk about?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
About who's cooking.

Lisa Douglas:
Darling, when we got married I promised to love, honor and obey. I said nothing about cooking.

Lisa Douglas:
Don't shout at mother!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I can shout at her, she's my mother!

Lisa Douglas:
Well, she's my mother in law.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
It's not natural for anybody to like their own mother in law. I don't like your mother.

Mother Eunice Douglas:
Lisa, are you coming?

Lisa Douglas:
Oh darling, I promised Oliver if he gets a decorator I'd stay.

Lisa Douglas:
You don't have to keep a promise, you're a woman.

Oliver Douglas:
Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The community has to have law and order!

Newt Kiley:
Eh... this gonna be a long speech, Mr. Douglas?

Oliver Douglas:
Eh, well I, no, I...

Fred Ziffel:
Better sit down, Newt. It usually is.

Lisa Douglas:
[Lisa and Oliver are trying to get out of their car while handcuffed together] Well, when a husband stops opening doors the honeymoon is over.

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa!

Lisa Douglas:
I'm going to throw away my black nightgown...

Oliver Douglas:
Oh, oh, oh! [Oliver manages to open the door with one hand after all]

Lisa Douglas:
Henri?tta, did your husband ever got you into a mess like this? [Henr?tta the pigeon quietly coos] You see?

Oliver Douglas:
Look, I don't care about her husband!

Lisa Douglas:
That's a nice way to talk. Do you know where her husband is? In the army, carrying messages.

Willie Dunhill:
[telling Lisa about doing time in Alcatraz] Well, it really wasn't too bad on "The Rock." We had a great basketball team: Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Big John Dillinger and Dutch Schultz. We was friends for life - and, and that's what most of 'em were doin'.

Willie Dunhill:
[to Oliver] I know this is silly, but I'd work better if you stand over me with a shotgun.

Willie Dunhill:
[says he appeared in a movie shot at the prison] The guy comes in and he puts the food down in front of me, and I took one look at it, and I said, "I ain't gonna eat this slop!" [starts to pound his mug on the table] "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!"

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[puts a hotcake on Oliver's plate] Here is your breakfast.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[after looking at the food, begins pounding his mug] I ain't gonna eat this slop! Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!

Eb Dawson:
Holy smoke! The warden's gone stir crazy!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[the dish looks as bad what Lisa cooked] You call that spaghetti and meatballs?

Waiter:
Sorry, Mac. We just got a new Hungarian cook.

Lisa Douglas:
Hungarian? [stands up]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Where are you going?

Lisa Douglas:
To say hello to the cook! He may be my mudder!

Lisa Douglas:
[boiling spaghetti] How long has this been cooking?

Mr. Luster:
An hour and fifteen minutes.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, that's good. My husband said it shouldn't cook too long.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well, Mr. Thompson lists a few things here that a farmer should look for in a wife: she should be strong of limb, have good wind, large hands and sturdy legs.

Lisa Douglas:
If that's what you want, you should have married my father.

Etta Thompson:
Just because my teeth don't have to be fixed, doesn't mean that I am dumb.

Etta Thompson:
Cheating is all right as long as it is with your own wife.

Gus Thompson:
[Gus has just given Etta an axe as a wedding present] Well, it's not easy to be a farmer's wife. We're gonna have to clear this land together. Here now, you start chopping down at that end and I'll start chopping up at this end.

Etta Thompson:
Oh, eh, this is our honeymoon. Couldn't we chop a little closer together?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[noting Lisa's sex appeal] All your wife has to do to get the men folk to vote for her is to campaign in one of her fluffy neg-luh-gees.

Hank Kimball:
I got an idea. Why don't we put Mr. Douglas in a neg-luh-gee?

Fred Ziffel:
Aww, nawh. I've seen him in a neg-luh-gee. He don't do a thing to me.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[on Lisa's sexiness] That's right. All your wife has to do to get the menfolk to vote for her is to campaign in one of them fluffy "negligees" of hers.

Hank Kimball:
I got an idea. Why don't we put Mr. Douglas in a "negligee?"

Fred Ziffel:
Ah, nawh. I've seen him in a "negligee." He don't do a thing to me.

Ralph Monroe:
[parading through town as Lady Godiva on a horse] Where is everybody?

Lisa Douglas:
Don't worry. They can't stay in hiding forever.

Fred Ziffel:
[planning campaign strategy] We've got to change your image.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
To what?

Fred Ziffel:
To something less gruesome.

Eb Dawson:
[staggers outside from his first make-up lesson] Say, could somebody help me? I glued my eyes together.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You glued your - [notices Eb's blacked-out teeth] Hey, what happened to your teeth?

Eb Dawson:
I put the mascara on in the wrong place.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
When you first mentioned marriage to me, what did I tell you?

Eb Dawson:
You told me marriage was like living in a concentration camp.

Lisa Douglas:
Well!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I never said that!

Eb Dawson:
Yes, you did.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
When?

Eb Dawson:
Right after you said, "If you're getting married for companionship, save your money. Buy a dog."

Lisa Douglas:
Well!

Eb Dawson:
[pulling up piece of rotten porch wood] See how rotten the boards are.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I wonder if that's termites.

Eb Dawson:
Are you kidding? No self-respecting termite would eat this stuff!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
This is dry rot.

Eb Dawson:
The story of your life.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[caring for Kimball's swelling ankle] Lisa, will you get me an ice bag?

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, that's a fine thing! He hurt his ankle and you want to cure your hangover!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Will you get me an ice bag, please?

Lisa Douglas:
I threw it away?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Why?

Lisa Douglas:
The ice melted!

Lisa Douglas:
[Ralph enters dressed in nurse's uniform] Ralph, you look very pretty in your nurse's outfit.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yeah, where'd you get that outfit?

Ralph Monroe:
Well, the Hooterville Little Theater group did a play called "The Nurse's Dilemma," and I was it.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You certainly are.

Hank Kimball:
Well, as Benjamin Franklin once said: "Being sorry is the first step towards the retreat of the individual's immortality."

Hank Kimball:
Let's start from the beginning... well, not the beginning, uh, let's try, uh, 1789 - that was the year that Betsy Ross made the first pair of overalls.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Betsy Ross made the first flag.

Hank Kimball:
That's right - "Flag" overalls. That was her brand. You could buy 'em all over the country. Well, before long all of the farmers along the East Coast were wearing Betsy's Flag brand overalls, except Florida, which was then known as "Lower New Jersey."

Eb Dawson:
[pleased with his freshly ironed shirt, Oliver kisses Lisa passionately] How come you're kissing her when I'm the one that ironed them?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I thought you ironed them?

Lisa Douglas:
Well you saw the ironing board, then you jumped on the wrong concussion.

Eb Dawson:
She means 'the wrong concession'.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Not concession, confusion. eh... conclusion. [rolls his eyes]

Eb Dawson:
Wait 'till I tell the other hired hands that I work for a man that's got twelve suits, three dozen shirts and... how many pairs of shoes did you say?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Eight.

Eb Dawson:
Gee, all I got is one suit, one shirt and one shoe.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
That's all you - one shoe?

Eb Dawson:
You never noticed, huh? That's because I wear it on a different foot every day.

Sam Drucker:
[trying to sell brand new overalls] Fred, these come with a life time guarantee. Or four years, whichever comes first.

Sam Drucker:
Haney, don't' sell you cheap overalls in my store!

Mr. Haney:
You see, even Sam admits that they're priced reasonable.

Lisa Douglas:
[Lisa is feeding the chickens] Chlo?, why do you always have to play the piano at lunch time?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[to Alf and Ralph] Look, I don't need you two to give me howdy doody lessons, I told you a month ago to fix that door!

Lisa Douglas:
How do you like Oliver's overalls?

Floyd Smoot:
Wow. Italian silk!

Newt Kiley:
Real fur!

Charley Pratt:
Gold buttons, with 'Beat Princeton' writ on 'em.

Floyd Smoot:
I reckon we know when we're being funned at.

Fred Ziffel:
Yeah, looks like the war is on again.

Lazlo Broslav:
[on learning of the Monroe brothers' lawsuit] Don't worry. I'll handle the case for you. I used to do a little law work in Hungary.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I can handle the case myself. I'm an attorney.

Lazlo Broslav:
I'm glad you got something to fall back on, the way you run this farm.

Lisa Douglas:
[to Lazlo, over breakfast] What brings you to America?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[sawing on Lisa's hotcakes unsuccessfully with a knife] Certainly not these miserable things!

Eb Dawson:
[looking in the refrigerator] Is there any sauerkraut juice?

Lisa Douglas:
No, I used the last of it to make the hotscakes.

Lisa Douglas:
[after the credits have disappeared from the hotcakes and toast] The names just stay on long enough for their mothers to see them.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa, Have you been sniffing your paprika again?

Dooly Watkins:
[asking about Oliver] What kind of man is he?

Ralph Monroe:
When he's not a sorehead?

Dooly Watkins:
Yes.

Ralph Monroe:
He's a hot head.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Eb fears the Douglases are breaking up] She's not leaving me. We're taking a vacation from each other because we're beginning to get on each other's nerves.

Eb Dawson:
You get on my nerves, and I don't want to take a vacation from you!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Look, Eb...

Lisa Douglas:
[arrives at the car] I'm ready.

Eb Dawson:
[drops to his knees and begs] Please Mom, don't go! Dad's sorry! That other woman didn't really mean anything to him!

Lisa Douglas:
What other woman!

Lisa Douglas:
[pointing at the trunk] Oh, where did that come from?

Eb Dawson:
I work up in bed with it this morning.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Will you stop...

Lisa Douglas:
That happened to my uncle once. He work up in bed with a trunk. Or was it a drunk? No. it was a trunk with a drunk in it.

Eb Dawson:
Hey, maybe there's a drunk in this one! Shall I open it?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[looking through the documents in the trunk] Eb, this is dated 1902. These stocks and bonds are worthless. The companies are out of business. Defunct.

Lisa Douglas:
How do you know? Some of them may still be "funct."

Eb Dawson:
[listening to Lisa read the diary] Golly, that's sad.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Sad? That's sickening. I never heard such tripe!

Lisa Douglas:
That's because it happened in real life, and you know what they say: Ruth is stranger than friction.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[pitching his picnic package] Now, the picnic basket also contains this plastic chocolate layered cake.

Lisa Douglas:
What's that for?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
I'm glad you asked that.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[to Haney] You would have told her anyway.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
This is my patented ant attractor. You just place it on the ground at least five feet away from where you're eating, and the ants are attracted by the life-like look of the cake. And while you eat in peace, they're breaking their little teeth on the plastic.

Hank Kimball:
[learning of Oliver and Lisa's picnic] Where are you going?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
We don't know yet.

Hank Kimball:
Say, if you want a good picnic spot, I know just the place. It has all these beautiful trees, a stream runnin' through it, a waterfall...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[excited] That sound perfect! Where's that?

Hank Kimball:
Yellowstone National Park.

Oliver Douglas:
[holding an apple from one of his orchard] Lisa, taste it!

Lisa Douglas:
Are we going to play Adam and Eve?

Mr. Haney:
You know what that is? Genuine ice!

Oliver Douglas:
That's your refrigeration plant?

Mr. Haney:
Yes, sir. It operates on the principle of cold.

Mr. Haney:
[to Lisa, upon arriving in court] Doggone, you look as purdy as a 350-dollar judgement against your husband.

Judge Clemens:
Madam, would you mind being seated?

Lisa Douglas:
I, I talk better standing up.

Diller Fangworth:
Eh, Mr. Kimball. You are a County Agent?

Hank Kimball:
I do.

Diller Fangworth:
That ain't a proper answer.

Hank Kimball:
Well don't tell me, tell the judge. He told me to say 'I do' and I did. That is, I did, I do.

Mr. Haney:
Off your knees, Mr. Douglas, you don't have to beg.

Mr. Haney:
I'm not begging, I am fixing the tractor.

Oliver Douglas:
Your honor, the plaintiff claims that it was because of Chief Thundercloud's rain dance that it rained. I claim that it was the act of washing the car that caused it to rain. Everybody knows, that the minute you wash your car, it's rains!

Eb Dawson:
Mr. Douglas, guess what? The town's taking up a collection for you for gettin' the road paved!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
They are?

Eb Dawson:
Yeah! They're goin' around to all the farms in the valley collectin' chicken feathers! And Mr. Ziffel's donatin' the tar!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Tar and feathers?

Lisa Douglas:
Isn't that nice?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What's - ?

Eb Dawson:
It's the only thing they could think of since Mr. Edmund left town. He was the only one who knew how to make a hangman's knot.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[meeting the senator to get the road paved] Senator, we live in Hooterville and we need your help.

Senator Talbot:
If you live in Hooterville, you DO need help.

Lisa Douglas:
[recognizes senator from the late, late show] Ohhh, you must be the fellow who was in Death Valley Days!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, that was Ronald Reagan.

Lisa Douglas:
Who?

Senator Talbot:
Ronald Regan. He's the governor of California.

Lisa Douglas:
Well then, which movie star are you?

Senator Talbot:
[smugly, as a star] Lyle Talbot!

Lisa Douglas:
Oh. I guess I never saw you.

Lisa Douglas:
[Oliver has broken his leg] This is a fine honeymoon you've got me into!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I'm sorry, Lisa.

Lisa Douglas:
I never would have married you if I'd known you were accident prune.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Prone!

Lisa Douglas:
That's what you are. A prone prune!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[walks into bedroom] Lisa, have you seen the - What are all my clothes doing on the bed?

Lisa Douglas:
I'm giving them to the old clothes sale.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
That's my whole wardrobe!

Lisa Douglas:
You're very generous!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You realize that last year every farmer in this valley lost money!

Hank Kimball:
Well, there's a simple solution to that. Move out of the valley.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
We don't want to move.

Hank Kimball:
Well, you're just going to have to get used to losing money. Anything else I can help you with?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What is wrong with the people of this community? I had a simple idea about raising rutabagas. The next thing I know, Ziffel is trying to get CBS to send him color cameras, Trendell is trying to get the U.S.C. football team, and Newt is calling Sophia Loren to be a Rutabaga Queen! This is absurd!

Sam Drucker:
That's what I told 'em, but they get carried away.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
They sure do!

Sam Drucker:
Yeah. I wonder why Ed Sullivan hasn't called me back?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[advising Eb not to tell the newspaper his UFO story] You know, it's all right to tell the two of us about your wild hallucinations, but if this gets into print, it's going to confirm what a lot of people have always thought: you're a dingbat.

Eb Dawson:
Mind if I have lunch with you kids?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What do you got there?

Eb Dawson:
The hamburger Stuffy brought back. [cut to Stuffy the scarecrow]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
How can he bring back a hamburger when he...

Eb Dawson:
[turns to Stuffy] You forgot the ketchup! [turns back to Oliver] Boy, sometimes I think he's got sawdust in his head.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
The next time you have a picnic... [blows out a candle]... bring some food!

Lisa Douglas:
Well, if you're hungry, I turn on the radio.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What good will that do?

Lisa Douglas:
Maybe you'll hear something good to eat.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[to Eb] Now here's a real UFO: Unidentified Food Object.

Lisa Douglas:
Just for that, no more hotcakes! [takes the hotcake and puts it on a pile]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You do love me!

Hank Kimball:
There's been three saucer sightings in these parts in the last month! Well, actually, there were only two. Eh, one was a flying shoebox sighting.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Shoebox?

Hank Kimball:
Well, it was shaped like a shoebox, only bigger. It was oblong, had a lotta windows, and there were about 50 people inside. Turned out to be a low flying bus.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa, why did you make four different pots of coffee? Why didn't you just put the sugar bowl and the cream pitcher on the table?

Lisa Douglas:
[matter of factly] I broke them.

Lisa Douglas:
My husband was in the airforce, too.

Lieutenant Bennett:
Yes, eh, he told me. Eb, when you...

Lisa Douglas:
His uniform didn't fit as good as yours. His was baggy in the seat.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
That was my parachute.

Lisa Douglas:
[guessing the contents of the letter] Oliver! Maybe you've been drafted!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, it's impossible!

Eb Dawson:
No, sir. They're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Look, Eb...

Eb Dawson:
Of World War I!

Lisa Douglas:
I remember when we lived in Hungary, my father got a special delivery letter telling him he was no longer the king.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Your father wasn't the king!

Lisa Douglas:
Not after he got that letter, he wasn't. We had to move out of the palace and he got a job as a waiter in an Italian restaurant. He had to go to school at night to learn a new accent.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[eying the Spanish omelet Lisa cooked] It looks like a... boa constrictor with lumps.

Lisa Douglas:
You're disturbing Ralph's beauty sleep!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
She could sleep for six years, it wouldn't make any...

Mr. Haney:
Morning, Mr. Douglas, did you see a pair of pliers?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[in considerable pain] Yeah, you dropped them on my head.

Mr. Haney:
Any idea where they bounced?

Ralph Monroe:
I know why men don't want me: they don't think of me as a woman. To other women they sing love songs, to me they sing 'For he's a jolly good fellow!'

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[sitting down in Kimball's office] Mr. Kimball, I have a problem.

Hank Kimball:
Yes you do, there were three tomatoes on that chair.

Eb Dawson:
Morning! Breakfast ready?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes.

Eb Dawson:
Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with.

Lisa Douglas:
We're not having any hotscakes this morning.

Oliver Douglas:
No hotcakes?

Lisa Douglas:
I've made something different.

Oliver Douglas:
Hey, wonderful!

Eb Dawson:
Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it.

Oliver Douglas:
Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes.

Lisa Douglas:
Here we are. [Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet]

Eb Dawson:
Any hotcakes left over from yesterday?

Lisa Douglas:
You don't like it?

Eb Dawson:
I don't know. What is it?

Lisa Douglas:
Well what does it look like?

Oliver Douglas:
It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps.

Lisa Douglas:
That's the last time I ever cook you a Spanish omelette.

Cornelius Reinholt:
Oh! You understand English?

Lastvogel Groinietz:
No, I was reading your Hungarian subtitles.

Eb Dawson:
[reads his personal ad] Handsome, sophisticated, wealthy land owner looking for wealthy mate. Address all applications to Eb Dawson, wealthy landowner, Hooterville.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Wealthy landowner?

Eb Dawson:
Well, I will be. You're gonna leave the farm to me, aren't you Dad?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I am not your Dad and I'm not leaving the farm to you.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, you might as well. I don't want it.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Eb wants him to pose as his butler] I'm not wearing a butler suit!

Eb Dawson:
But she's expecting to see my servants! What'll I tell her?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Just tell her the truth.

Eb Dawson:
Yeah. How does this sound? My butler and maid drank up all my champagne and got stoned, and I had to fire 'em!

Lisa Douglas:
That sounds good to me.

Eb Dawson:
Oh, congratulations. How long you been married?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well, we've been married... Let's see now, we were ma- In nineteen fif- No, no, that was the year I got out of the airforce, yes. We were married in f- No, that was the year I started my lawpractice... Well, it must have been in...

Eb Dawson:
You sure you're married?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Of course, I'm sure!

Eb Dawson:
I never saw your marriage certificate.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Don't worry. We've got one. It's in the safe deposit box.

Eb Dawson:
Mr. Haney used to have his hanging up on the wall.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[smiling] That's nice.

Eb Dawson:
He used to throw darts at it!

George Bennington:
[calling the Agriculture office in D.C] Say, your angry little voice sounds familiar. Aren't you the fella who was infected with corn bores last year?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
That's right!

George Bennington:
What do ya have this year?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Wheat stem sawflies.

George Bennington:
How about that! You're raising wheat out on the terrace now, huh? You Park Avenue folks are...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I don't live on Park Avenue anymore.

George Bennington:
Oh, they canceled the lease, huh? [laughs sarcastically]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No! I bought a farm near Hooterville!

George Bennington:
Where?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Hooterville!

George Bennington:
You're pullin' my leg!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[to doctor Favor] I'm sorry I ever let you deliver me to my mother!

Mr. Haney:
Well, while you're getting the correct change, I would like to recite a little poem I composed for anniversaries. Copies of which can be purchased from the author for 25 cents. [reading] Happy anniversary. Anniversaries come but once a year, bringing joy and good cheer. Some are sad, some are funny...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Get on your truck, here's your money!

Mr. Wheeler:
I suppose the wedding ceremorny ain't sacred to you! Anybody who'd get married in a laundrymat!

Lisa Douglas:
When did you get married in a laundrymat?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
I never got married...

Mr. Wheeler:
Eb told me, he said they gave you a year's supply of detergent!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
That's an outright lie!

Lisa Douglas:
Who did you give the detergent to?

Sam Drucker:
The marriage business sure has fallen off around here since they opened that wedding chapel at the drive-in movie.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
They have a wedding chapel in a drive-in movie?

Sam Drucker:
Ah, well, you know how folks are now-a-days. They hate to get out of their cars.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[describes Tessie] And from what I have heard, she strongly resembled you, Mrs. Douglas. She was as purddy as a birch tree in a field of rhododendrons.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Rhododendrons?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
And like you Mrs. Douglas, she came from the old country.

Lisa Douglas:
What old country?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Any old country. She couldn't get a passport.

Lisa Douglas:
I always used to say to my father the king, "My father the king," I used to say to him...

Oliver Douglas:
Your father was never a king.

Lisa Douglas:
Then why did we live in a castle?

Oliver Douglas:
You never lived in a castle.

Lisa Douglas:
Then why did the knights come over for dinner?

Oliver Douglas:
What knights?

Lisa Douglas:
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, but not Thursday because that was the maid's night out. Or was that when the knights made out?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[discovering the room under the house] Oh, uh, it looks like it was used for a root cellar.

Lisa Douglas:
What is that?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well, farmers used them to store turnips and potatoes and things like that through the winter.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh. We had something like this in Hungary except it was called goulash cellar.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Goulash cellar?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes. My mother used to fix up this goulash, then, when she didn't feel like cooking, she would go down in the cellar and get a pots full.

Hank Kimball:
[to Fedor, who's poorly disguised in one of Lisa's fluffy housecoats] Oh, hello, Mrs. Douglas.

Lisa Douglas:
I am Mrs. Douglas!

Hank Kimball:
Oh?, Then, uh, who is this pretty little thing?

Lisa Douglas:
This is my Aunt Fedor.

Hank Kimball:
Oh, well, Aunt Fedor, you're the spitting image of Mrs. Douglas. Well, not the spitting image. You need a shave!

Lisa Douglas:
[in bed with sleeping Oliver] Oliver, you want to wake up and watch the names? [Executive Producer credit appears on screen] Oliver! You missed the Executive Producer.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
The Exec - Lisa, please. [Writers credit appears, Lisa nudges Oliver] What?

Lisa Douglas:
You blew the "Written By's," too!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, will you please let me sleep? [Director credit appears, nudges Oliver] What now?

Lisa Douglas:
I just wanted to tell you that the names are all through and you can go back to sleep.

Eb Dawson:
[to Chuck] Well, might as well make yourself at home. Wanna hang up your coat and hair?

Eb Dawson:
Chuck says he sleeps till two o'clock in the afternoon. He's gonna teach me how to do it.

Oliver Douglas:
There's one thing you don't need: that's lazy lessons. Now get to work!

Hank Kimball:
What are they?

Lisa Douglas:
Hotcakes sandwiches.

Oliver Douglas:
Hot cake sandwiches?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes, two hotcakes with one hotcake in between.

Oliver Douglas:
I'm gonna have a long talk with that nephew of yours.

Lisa Douglas:
He's your nephew!

Oliver Douglas:
I just gave him to you.

Oliver Douglas:
[Mr. Haney demands $ 48,50 for damages] Could we make that an even amount?

Mr. Haney:
Sure!

Oliver Douglas:
[reaches into his pocket] Here's, eh, 50 cents.

Eb Dawson:
When are we gonna dig that ditch?

Chuck:
Man, you are sick! Listen: you start fooling around with this shuffle stuff and you're gonna wind up in blisterville.

Chuck:
Hey unc, eh, where'd ya get this thing from, Ben Hur?

Oliver Douglas:
This is a tractor.

Chuck:
Oh. What does it do?

Oliver Douglas:
Right now, nothing.

Lisa Douglas:
In the old country, they don't look for water with a stick. They do it scientifically.

Oliver Douglas:
Oh?

Lisa Douglas:
They put a goldfish in a shoe, and then they throw the shoe out the window.

Oliver Douglas:
That's scientific?

Lisa Douglas:
Of course! And then the goldfish swims upstream until it finds the water.

Oliver Douglas:
Mm hmm. Now... uh... how does he swim upstream if there's no water?

Lisa Douglas:
His friends help him.

Hank Kimball:
Gentlemen, as you all know, a reservoir is composed of water. Except the part that holds the water. Which is made of concrete.

Lisa Douglas:
[seeing Willie with his divining rod] What's that sthick for?

Oliver Douglas:
He uses that to look for the water.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, he's a sthick-looker.

Oliver Douglas:
A dowser.

Lisa Douglas:
What's a dowser?

Oliver Douglas:
[pauses] A sthick-looker.

Lisa Douglas:
How would you like to have your hotcakes?

Oliver Douglas:
In a restaurant.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, it's going to be one of those days. When you wake up in the morning being nasty, then as the day goes on you get worse, then at night you want to kiss and make up.

Oliver Douglas:
Now what's wrong with that?

Lisa Douglas:
Couldn't we start the morning with a make up?

Oliver Douglas:
Alright. [kisses her on the nose] We friends?

Lisa Douglas:
[not satisfied] What else could we be with a kiss like that?

Oliver Douglas:
Well that's a stupid and ridiculous law!

Sam Drucker:
That's what it's going to be known as: the stupid and ridiculous law of 1966.

Doris Ziffel:
[complaining about her neglectful husband] The only way Fred Ziffel would notice me is if I had a long snoot and an apple in my mouth!

Eb Dawson:
[to Oliver, whos vigorously milking Eleanor the cow] Easy! You ain't pullin' taffy!

Lisa Douglas:
That's the problem with you men: all for one and no one for a beauty parlor.

Lisa Douglas:
Mr. Ziffel, when was it the last time that you told your wife that she was beautiful?

Fred Ziffel:
1929.

Lisa Douglas:
[explaining how a spoon can stand upright in her coffee] We ran out of coffee, but I found a can on the shelf.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Of what?

Lisa Douglas:
I don't know. There wasn't a label on it.

Lisa Douglas:
[trying to get Hank interested in Ralph] She's a very nice girl.

Hank Kimball:
Girl? Well, it's kind of hard to think of her as - No, it's impossible!

Ralph Monroe:
I wonder if Hanky is that cranky in the morning.

Lisa Douglas:
Now don't be mean to your sister even though she is your brother.

Lisa Douglas:
Wait a moment, I have a surprise for you. I made it myself. [holds up a men's shirt with practically no sleeves at all]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What is this?

Lisa Douglas:
A shirt-sleeved short, it's for the exam.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
A shirt-sleeved...

Lisa Douglas:
Yes, I made it out of your best shirt.

Eb Dawson:
[asking about their rooster doing the opening credits] Did Charlie come in and crow the names this morning?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes, and he did it very well, except the "Written by."

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What are you two talking about?

Eb Dawson:
[telling Oliver about the Birnbacher pork empire] Have you lost interest in the Gustaf Birnbacher story?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yes.

Eb Dawson:
Mr. Birnbacher always said that he owed his success to Herman [his first pig] , so in gratitude he left him all his money: 20 million dollars!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh. He must have been a real ding dong!

Eb Dawson:
When you have as much money as he did, it's called paranoia.

Lisa Douglas:
Mr. Haney, how can you prove that Arnold is related to Herman?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
It's simple. I use the blood sample comparison method. Now if you'll step with me to the back of my mo-bile laboratory. I call it that because it was given to me by a grateful customer, Moe Bile.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, brother!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[forcibly dragging Oliver by the arm] That's just a little joke I use before escorting people to the back of the truck. It sorta takes the tension out of the air.

Lisa Douglas:
[takes deep breath] Mmmmm, it works! I don't feel as tense as I did!

Lisa Douglas:
The television set is broken again.

Oliver Douglas:
[reading a book] Oh? What's wrong with it?

Lisa Douglas:
I don't know, the screen does funny things.

Oliver Douglas:
Well, maybe it's a comedy program.

Lisa Douglas:
I don't think so, it just has wiggly lines.

Oliver Douglas:
Hm, maybe it's an eyeglass commercial.

Lisa Douglas:
[cooking in the kitchen] Oliver! What are you doing up there?

Oliver Douglas:
[visible through a hole in the ceiling] I'm hammering on some new shingles.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, watch it. You just dropped a nail in one of my hotcakes.

Oliver Douglas:
Leave it there, it'll dissolve.

Lisa Douglas:
Well! That's the first time you insulted my hotcakes through a hole in the roof.

Oliver Douglas:
I'll have to come up here more often.

Hank Kimball:
Heard the bad news about the amnesia.

Oliver Douglas:
Yeah, well...

Hank Kimball:
Ah, don't worry, you'll get better.

Oliver Douglas:
No, I haven't got amnesia.

Hank Kimball:
Now you keep saying that, over and over, and it'll get better.

Oliver Douglas:
No, I don't have it, Mrs. Douglas has it.

Hank Kimball:
Oh, she caught it from you, huh? Yeah, I guess it's pretty contagious, huh.

Lisa Douglas:
[meeting Oliver during WWII] I don't think you're really an American.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Why not?

Lisa Douglas:
You spend more time talking than smooching.

Eb Dawson:
[Oliver's speech is interrupted by a crow] Your speeches draw more crows than the corn does.

Hank Kimball:
As you all know, I'm your County Kimball, Hank Agent. No, I don't believe I am. I'm, eh Hank Kimball, your County Agent. Yes, that sounds better. Well, not better...

Mr. Haney:
When my friends are standing there with their hand out, asking for help, I'm there.

Lisa Douglas:
With your hand out!

Mr. Haney:
Ooh, that stung. Like a cheap aftershave lotion on a nicked chin.

Lisa:
Why don't we talk English, then we don't have to use subtitles.

Janos:
The way you schtalk English, we still might.

Lisa:
Were is the parachushtis?

Janos:
That one could use subtitles.

Lisa Douglas:
[to Oliver who's holding up an electric iron] What's that for?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Haven't you ever used this?

Lisa Douglas:
Oh yes. To hold the door open.

Fred Ziffel:
[advising Oliver what to plant] Mr. Douglas, take the advice of a man who's been farming for 40 years. Don't fly in the face of Doris' lumbago.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[asking how to help his pathetic corn plants] All right, you got any idea?

Hank Kimball:
Yeah, why don't you shoot it and put it out of its misery?

James Stuart:
[to Oliver, in the cornfield] Is this corn your worst crop?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes, if you don't look at the soybeans and the beet.

Mr. Haney:
[Oliver interrupts his first meeting of the Hooterville Chamber of Commerce] Mr. Douglas, you got a belt buckle?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No.

Mr. Haney:
Well, then would you sit down?

Sam Drucker:
Sorry, no speeches without a belt buckle.

Doris Ziffel:
[picks up phone] Hello, Drucker's store, Sam's playing checkers, call back later. [hangs up]

Sam Drucker:
Oh, guess who I was talking to long distance on the phone, not five minutes ago: Jimmy Stewart.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What?

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, I like him. Does he look as handsome on the phone as he does in the movies?

Mr. Haney:
[Haney has made a fake film camera out of a box and some cans] I refer you to this tomato can which is playing the part of a lens. Everything is make believe in Hollywood. Now the first thing for the amateur actor to remember is: never look into the tomato can.

Mr. Haney:
Yes, Mrs. Douglas, take it from an old trooper: just talk into the sardine can, and the tomato can will always find you.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[giving another speech, holding handful of soil] This is the good earth! This contains the wealth of the American farmer! ["Yankee Doodle" plays in background] This is what he fought for at Lexington and Concord! Land! Land into which to plant his crops! Land with which to feed the hungry millions of the world! Land...

Eb Dawson:
[noticing soundtrack] Hey, I think you got a worm in there playing the fife!

Eb Dawson:
[with Arnold, from back of train upon returning to Hooterville] Wait a second! He's got a speech! He wrote it on the back of an envelope. He got the idea reading a book about Abraham Lincoln.

Lisa Douglas:
Who's he?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
He was the president of the United States.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, I thought that was George Washington.

Hank Kimball:
Oh, no ma'am. George Washington is a bridge across the Hudson River.

Fred Ziffel says, “You say you will but you won’t.”