Knocked Up

Ben:
I Proposed You Like an Idiot and You Said No to Me.

Ben:
It's a girl - buy some pink stuff!

Ben:
Hey Dr. Howard, Ben Stone calling. Guess what's up. Alison's going into labor and you are not here. You know where you're at? A bar mitzvah in San Francisco! You piece of Dirt! And you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm gonna have to kill you! I'm gonna havta pop a cap in your Butt, you're dead! You're Stupid! You are A Liar, you piece of dirt! I hope you die or drop the chair and kill the kid! I hope your plane crashes. Peace. Goodbye!

Pete:
Marriage is like a f***, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

Pete:
You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.

Pete:
Every time when you see yourself you think, how is these monster came here

[while having sex]

Ben:
Do you want to do it doggy-style?

Alison:
You're not going to f*** me like a dog.

Ben:
I'm not f***ing you like a dog. It's doggy-style. It's just in the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.

Ben:
I'm naked...

Alison:
Hmm...

Ben:
Did we have sex?

Alison:
Yeah.

Ben:
Nice.

Alison:
I'm pregnant.

Ben:
F*** off!

Alison:
What?

Ben:
What?

Alison:
I'm pregnant.

Ben:
With...emotion?

Alison:
With a baby.

Ben:
I assumed you were wearing a patch, or like a--like a dental dam, or one of those butterfly clips or something.

Alison:
What is a dental dam?

Ben:
It's like Saran Wrap. It's disgusting, but I thought you had one!

Debbie:
We have to help them raise the baby.

Pete:
Well, no!

Jonah:
I can't believe you didn't f***ing wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?

Jason:
Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use 'em, man?

Jonah:
I can't believe you did this. You f***ed everything up.

Jason:
The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity.

Jonah:
Well that's true. Everyone knows that.

Jason:
What goes up must come down.

Ben's Dad:
I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

Ben:
I'm the best thing that ever happened to you?

Ben's Dad:
Yes.

Ben:
Now I'm starting to feel sorry for you.

Debbie:
Look, here are all the sex offenders in our neighborhood.

Pete:
Looks like your computer has chicken pox.

Debbie:
These are sex offenders. They live in our neighborhood.

Pete:
Well, we'll skip their houses when we go trick-or-treating. What do you want me to do? Form a posse? (to Ben) I got my six shooter. Ya got your lynchin' rope?

Debbie:
If I didn't care about these things, you wouldn't care about anything. Care more.

[after Pete says that he went to see Spider-Man 3 the day before after she catches him at a fantasy baseball draft in a stranger's house]

Debbie:
[crying] I like "Spider-Man".

Pete:
Okay, then let's go see Spider-Man 3 next week.

Debbie:
I don't wanna see "Spider-Man". I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to think of it yourself.

Pete:
Look, I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to you.

Debbie:
You think that just because you don't yell, you're not mean? This is mean!

Debbie:
I gotta go. Sadie might have the chicken pox.

Jason:
I had the chicken pox three times. I have no immunity to it.

Ben:
We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.

Jason:
It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Debbie:
Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't the two of you go into your time machines and go back in time and f*** each other?

Pete:
Who needs a time machine?

Ben:
[holds up a glass of liquor] This is my time machine, man.

Pete:
I'm gonna throw you into my DeLorean, gun it to 88.

Alison:
Boobs! Boobs and bush!

Ben:
All right, credit bush! That's the best; we're not even five minutes in.

Alison:
I'm sorry I told you to f*** your bong.

Ben:
It's okay, I didn't.

Ben Stone:
[Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers] Hey! What up, dawg?

Sadie:
Where have you been?

Ben Stone:
Oh, you know, around.

Sadie:
Why is everyone so mad at you?

Ben Stone:
They are? What are they saying?

Sadie:
Oh, you know. "Blah, blah, blah. Ben's a prick". What's that mean?

Ben Stone:
Penis. It means penis.

Sadie:
Penis. [nods her head and then giggles]

Sadie:
Where do babies come from?

Debbie:
Where do you think they come from?

Sadie:
Well. I think a stork, he, um, he drops it down and then - and then a hole goes in your body, and there's blood everywhere coming out of your head, and then you push your belly button, and then your butt falls off, and then you hold your butt, and you have to dig, and you find the little baby.

Debbie:
That's exactly right.

Martin:
Do you ever get so bored, you stare at your balls?

Jonah:
I bet you do, late John Lennon.

Pete:
[after brushing his teeth] ... So what do you think? Should we have sex tonight?

Debbie:
Ugh... sounds awful... I'm just really constipated. Do you really want to?

Pete:
Well, not now!

Jay:
Dude, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to rock this stuff! [sees Alison, embarrassed]

Jonah:
What happened, man?! If I go in there and see pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a stuffed animal!

Jay:
You're embarrassing me in front of company!

Jonah:
You embarrass yourself!

Save the due date

From the director of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" comes a comedy about a one night stand that became something more

Imagine if this guy got you pregnant

What if this guy got you pregnant?

Ben Stone:
I'd like to be in there with Alison without you.

Debbie:
OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you.

Ben Stone:
Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, OK? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area. Stay in your area, stay out of my room. Back... the... fuck... off.