Lexx

Stanley Tweedle:
[On Lyekka] She's quite a woman.

Kai:
Quite a plant.

790:
Compared to Xevariffic, she's a two. A two at best!

Mantrid:
[With a voice gradually getting higher] I destroyed a Universe! I destroyed a Universe! I destroyed a Universe! I destroyed a Universe! I destroyed a Universe! I destroyed a Universe! I destroyed a Universe! I destroyed a Universe!

Xev Bellringer:
And we destroyed you!

[Squashes Mantrid under her boot]

Xev Bellringer:
I want to do it.

Kai:
Do what?

Xev Bellringer:
"It". I want to do "it" with you.

Kai:
I suspect you mean sex.

Xev Bellringer:
Exactly.

Kai:
My sex organ has not functioned for over two thousand years.

Xev Bellringer:
My sex organ has NEVER functioned, so we both have a lot of catching up to do!

Kai:
Xev, you are clearly desirable and beautiful, but to me, sex is just an intellectual concept.

Xev Bellringer:
I don't care if you're dead! I don't care if you can only appreciate this in your mind! I have a hyperactive libido and I need it NOW! I can't do this alone!

Kai:
I can't do it at all.

Xev Bellringer:
I hate you.

[walks away]

Xev Bellringer:
I HATE YOU!

790:
Tweedle, you give carbon molecules a bad name!

Xev Bellringer:
You may still only be a head, 790, but you're the best head I ever had.

The Lexx:
I am the Lexx. I am the most powerful weapon of destruction in the two universes. I was grown on the Cluster, which is ruled by His Shadow. The food was good there. My captain is Stanley Tweedle. I blow up planets for him.

Kai:
The dead do not poo.

Kai:
I killed mothers with their babies. I've killed great philosophers, proud young warriors, and revolutionaries. I've killed the evil, the good, the intelligent, the weak, and the beautiful. I have done this in the service of His Divine Shadow and his predecessors, and I have never once shown any mercy.

Kai:
[insane] I killed mothers with their babies. I've killed great philosophers, proud young warriors, and revolutionaries. I've killed the evil, the good, the intelligent, the weak, and the beautiful. I have done this in the service of His Divine Shadow and his predecessors, and apparently the fun never ends!

Dr. Kazan:
We were meant to be partners in greatness! Your home will be the entire universe, aboard the Lexx, with me at your side! We'll be the crew, you and me! Be bold, Zev, don't compromise yourself with sentiment! Together we can own the universe! You know this is what you want! You are one of the chosen, we both are! Seize your fate!

Zev Bellringer:
Can't we just have sex instead?

Kai:
I am Kai, last of the Brunnen-G. Millennia ago, the Brunnen-G led humanity to victory in the war against the Insect civilization. The Time Prophet predicted that I would be the one to destroy the Divine Order and the League of 20,000 Planets. Some day, that will happen... but not today, as today is my day of death. The day our story begins.

790:
[singing] If I only had an arm, I'd be more than just a head. If I only had an arm, I would strangle Tweedle dead!

Zev Bellringer:
What kind of robot are you?

790:
I am a robot that wants to live in your underpants.

790:
[watching Xev sleep] On a branch there is a fruit, plump and ripe for sucking. In a bed there is a body, hot and ripe for...

[interrupted by a broadcast]

790:
[singing] If I only had a body, I'd get to be Xev's hunky man. If I only had a body, I'd get to pummel Stan!

Kai:
You might consider abandoning Lyekka on this planet.

Stanley Tweedle:
But I like her... when she's not hungry anyway.

Xev Bellringer:
The Brunnen-G discovered eternal life, but they all died. You were the only one to survive.

Kai:
I did not survive.

[Prince's goons grab Stan's nech and hold him at knifepoint]

Stanley Tweedle:
That hurts!

Prince:
Does it?

Stanley Tweedle:
Yes, it does! It hurts!

Prince:
I'm very good with pain.

791:
You're not going anywhere until I deal with the sizzle... in my pizzle!

790:
29 hours of necrophilia-filled fun!

790:
[performing a medical analysis of Stanley] There does not appear to be anything wrong with him, aside from being utterly repulsive in every way.

Xev Bellringer:
I wish my character could change what happened.

Master of Ceremonies:
The show is the show, the show never changes... But the newborn were few, they had no weapons. The Divine Order was more powerful than anything they had ever known, they had developed a mighty weapon called the Foreshadow. It could destroy entire planets with sheets of pure energy that it rained down onto them from space. Kai, knew of nothing that could stop this weapon, the Brunnen-G shields were totally destroyed by the Divine Order, and the Foreshadow was closing in, there was no hope of mercy, only certainty of death. The newborn Brunnen-G went to a museums, where they found a few ancient and long obsolete weapons, left over from the insect wars, preserved only for their curious technology. They were tiny insect craft, that carried small missiles, and the newborn led by Kai, planned to take these tiny craft, and attack the Foreshadow, the mighty battle weapon of the Divine Order.

Master of Ceremonies:
The newborn found a good way to die. They sang an ancient song, in a long lost language, handed down by their ancestors. A song the Brunnen-G always sang, when they went into battle, expecting to die.

Stanley H. Tweedle:
I've got another idea. We're not going to the center anymore.

Xev Bellringer:
We're not?

Stanley H. Tweedle:
Because 2000 years ago, Kai was right, it's better to die fighting, than to die running, and come on face it, at the center, there's nothing but a cowards death.

Xev Bellringer:
So where are we going to go?

Stanley H. Tweedle:
To fight Mantrid. Look... why should we... just... replay what's already happened, lets re-write the end.

Xev Bellringer:
Yes. Yes Stanley we are going to fight Mantrid. The Lexx still the most powerful single force in the universe.

Stanley H. Tweedle:
Yeah, at least... it will be a good way to die.

Kai:
I found a good way to die once. I am happy for you to join me.

Xev Bellringer:
That's how they reacted? They really wanted to die?

Kai:
Yes.

Master of Ceremonies:
The madness was in the air. It was everywhere. But some did not wish to see the end of the Brunnen-G. Some thought that the great people that saved mankind in the Great Insect Wars should fight this new enemy. They were the Newborn, the only vital force left on the planet.

Zev Bellringer:
[hoisting his head like a periscope] Do you see anything?

790:
Yes. I can clearly see that we should get back to the moth, and return to the Lexx at once!

Wist:
Everything dies, Stan. I'm okay.

[last lines]

Moth Breeder:
[in a mindless monotone] Make - more - moths.

Zev Bellringer:
Kai, I want you to live. To really live!

Kai:
I suggest you modify your wants.

Kai:
In the light universe, I have been darkness. Perhaps in the Dark Zone, I will be light.

[first lines]

Kai:
I am Kai, last of the Brunnen-G. Millennia ago, the Brunnen-G led humanity to victory in the war against the Insect civilization. The Time Prophet predicted that I would be the one to destroy the Divine Order and the League of 20,000 Planets. Some day, that *will* happen. But not today, as today is my day of death. The day our story begins.

Computer:
[to sleeping Stanley] Good morning. Security alert, class 4, number 4-6-7-3-2-9-4-3, department 5-1-1, level 4. This is your third wake up call. If you are late, you will receive 7 demerits. You already have 991 demerits.

Correction Centre Guard:
[to prisoner] I've seen a lot of women in my life, and you know something? You have to be the ugliest one I've ever laid eyes on.

Stanley H. Tweedle:
But he didn't even do anything, it's just a mix-up!

Correction Centre Guard:
Life's a mix-up, huh? [chuckles]

Bug bomb:
Bug bomb lost head!

His Divine Shadow:
General, do you believe that time flows in a straight line?

Cluster General:
I have observed that time is continuous.

His Divine Shadow:
Major, do you believe that time travel is a certain hope? That it is possible to see into the future, rather than into the past?

Cluster Major:
I am not aware of any such divine teaching.

Computer:
Only authorized persons are admitted to the special projects highest level security area. If the system is not able to recognize your facial images from its library of unauthorized persons, your flesh will be disposed of as useful organic material and added to the protein mass.

Stanley H. Tweedle:
Jeez, does this thing have a down button?

Thodin:
Beauty such as yours must live on. [big kiss then shoves her away]

Zev Bellringer:
Don't leave me! Everybody always leaves me.

790:
I will never leave you.

Kai:
You are Giggerota, also known as the Wicked?

Giggerota:
You got a problem with that?

Zev Bellringer:
Stan, do you have any idea where we should tell the Lexx to go?

Stanley H. Tweedle:
Yes.

Zev Bellringer:
Where?

Stanley H. Tweedle:
My tooth.

His Divine Shadow:
Kill them!

Kai:
I will not do that.

His Divine Shadow:
Then kill yourself!

Kai:
I'm already dead.

Zev Bellringer:
What - is - that?

790:
That, perfection in the female form, is our destination.

Zev Bellringer:
Okay propeller-head, turn us back to the cluster.

790:
I have no knowledge of this area, love dumpling.

Zev Bellringer:
What kind of robot are you.

790:
I'm a robot that wants to live in your underpants.

[last lines]

His Shadow:
Predecessors, I will avenge you.

Computer:
[to sleeping Stanley] Good morning. Security alert, Class 4, Number 4-7-6-3-2-9-4-3, Department 5-1-1, Level 4. This is your third wake up call. If you are late, you will receive 7 demerits. You already have 991 demerits.

Stanley H. Tweedle:
Kai, what do you think?

Kai:
[in his dead monotone] I do not think the way you think, I think.

Kai:
Stanley Tweedle deserves to be punished. But sentencing him to be tortured is an act of vengeance, not justice. An act of pure barbarism.

Grand Prosecutor Jihana:
Where the 600 billion shown mercy?

Kai:
Inflicting more pain insults the lost souls as they are all dead. It cannot be argued that they would get any satisfaction from his torture.

Grand Prosecutor Jihana:
How dare you speak for the dead.

Kai:
I am well qualified to speak for the dead.

Zev Bellringer:
[about Kai] He's dead, and I'm dying.

Giggerota:
Mmm, fresh meat tastes better than frozen.

Poet Man:
We had this farewell party, and I did a few kaboo flowers and, well, you know those kaboo. Boom! One too many and, whoa-ho, you wake up four days later and the whole planet's empty.

Giggerota:
Pail-head will tell Giggerota, or Giggerota will eat "canned" food!

790:
You're wasting your energy attempting to force my cooperation. I have no sense of self-preservation and I can always be reassembled.

Holo Woman:
Life, the sweetest mystery.

Poet Man:
"Mystery", ha! Life is the sweetest misery.

Poet Man:
The act creation. The procreation of the created. The creation of a new creator.

Holo Woman:
Citizen, you have chosen death. And through it, the gift of eternal life.

Stanley H. Tweedle:
Once again Manly Stanley saves the day!

790:
Oh, universe of heartbreak.

Poet Man:
Boom!

Stanley H. Tweedle:
Hey bolt-brain, I've got two left hands!

790:
Looks fine to me.

[last lines]

Stanley H. Tweedle:
Lexx, let's see if we can find us a new home.

Lexx:
As you wish, Stan.

Kai:
[Kai is being interrogated, for no obvious reason, by a squabbling "Commission"] I have killed mothers and their babies. I have killed great philosophers and proud young warriors. I have killed the evil and the good, the intelligent, the weak and the beautiful, but it's been a while since I slaughtered a whole room full of petty bureaucrats!