Loverboy

Harry Bruckner:
[grinding is foot into Jory's chest] Your stud days are over, pretty boy!

Harry Bruckner:
[outside Claude's house] Come on out here! You, who've been porkin' my wife!

Harry Bruckner:
[to Dr. Palmer] Son of a b*tch! You son of a b*tch! You've been porkin' my wife!

Harry Bruckner:
[keeping Reed and Claude from attacking Randy] Leave him alone. It's not him.

Harry Bruckner:
[holding up his right hand, limp at the wrist] Kid's a homo.

Randy Bodek:
I had a Letter to Penthouse staring me right in the face, and I let it go.

Harry Bruckner:
[of Joe's secretary] Hey, that's not bad. Porkin' her?

Joe Bodek:
I'm a happily married man, Harry. At least, I used to be.

Monica Delancy:
I like actual food, not fiber. F*** fiber. I want grease, I like red meat...

Tony:
You are not the regular American woman, and I am not the regular delivery boy.

Diane Bodek:
Oh, my God! You're not?

Tony:
[getting turned on] No. He asked me to come here and say we have no more anchovies, but I cannot lie to you, my dove. I have MANY anchovies for you.

Randy Bodek:
I've been having nightmares.

Kyoko Bruckner:
About what?

Randy Bodek:
Husbands.

Kyoko Bruckner:
Me, too.

Robin:
Oh, my God. You're just a boy. I'm sorry I... I don't date boys.

Alex Barnett:
[seeing Randy rejected] For what it's worth, I thought she made a big mistake. It took a lot of nerve to go up to a complete stranger like that and ask her out. I admire that.

Randy Bodek:
Thanks. I have to go kill myself now. Excuse me.

Alex Barnett:
Don't worry. I'm not going to bite you. Not over coffee, anyway.

[Joe reads a note dropped by Randy that accompanied a new fashionable jacket delivered by Tony]

Joe Bodek:
"Dear, Randy. Of course I'd prefer you naked, but if you MUST wear something it should be the best. Love, Alex." Diane!

Diane Bodek:
Yeah!

Joe Bodek:
Diane, our son... is a fruit.

[Joe discovers Jenny's suitcase full of underwear in Randy's room]

Joe Bodek:
Come on, Diane! Our son is dressing up in ladies underwear. This is a problem! He needs professional help!

Diane Bodek:
No, what he needs are sympathetic parents who let him know how much they love him.

Joe Bodek:
Let's see how sympathetic you are when he wants to borrow your makeup.

Kyoko Bruckner:
I have fantasy.

[Diane overhears Randy on the phone with Jenny but thinks he's on the phone with a gay lover]

Randy Bodek:
I want another chance. My life is a mess without you. Yeah, I know. I'm not ashamed of you. I'm proud. I'm gonna tell my parents about you. And I really want them to meet you.

Randy Bodek:
Ah, you... you want me to fix you a... drink or somethin'?

Dr. Joyce Palmer:
If I wanted a drink I would have hired a bartender!

Dr. Joyce Palmer:
I know this is probably against your professional code, but can I ask you a personal question?

Randy Bodek:
Sure.

Dr. Joyce Palmer:
Well, it's just that... this isn't what I imagined. I... was angry and I wanted to get back at my husband, and I guess I kind of expected sort of a Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am, but... you're not like that at all.

Dr. Joyce Palmer:
You're worth every penny.

Randy Bodek:
Jen? Yeah, uh, well... I've been doin' a lot of thinkin' 'bout what you said back at school, about how I, uh, don't know how to treat a woman. Well, you're right but, you know, I am workin' on it.

Nurse Darlene:
Multiple fractures. Internal hemorrhaging. We need immediate x-rays.

Reed Palmer:
Too late for that. We've got to open him right up.

Nurse Darlene:
Whatever you say, Dr. Palmer.

Randy Bodek:
Doctor...? Dr. Pa... Dr. Reed Palmer?

Reed Palmer:
That's right, Randy. I believe you know my wife.

Reed Palmer:
[restraining anesthesiologist] No anesthetic!

Tony:
In Genova a husband come after me with a butcher knife. We fight, we fight. I hit him to the ground. I bite his ear off. He don't bother me no more.

Randy Bodek:
[handing over a ruined boxed pizza] You've got to deliver this to the Wilshile Motel, room 214.

Tony:
But it is all broken. The tip will be very small.

Jenny Gordon:
Just take me to the bus station.

Randy Bodek:
Okay. Okay. I just have to make one stop first.

Jenny Gordon:
Where?

Randy Bodek:
Well, I've got to save my parents' marriage.

Brad, Waiter at Tiki Joes:
Hi, I'm Brad. Frosty beverage?