My Name Is Earl

Earl has taken one too many wrong turns on the highway of life as a bully and a low-rent crook, but he wins a lottery and has an epiphany: He will turn his good fortune into a life-changing event, as he sets out to right all the wrongs from his past. Despite his seemingly limited intelligence, he is oddly effective -- and has a voice and style all his own.

Year:
2005
5,496 Views

Catalina:
[picks up phone] Nice jumpsuit.

Joy:
Ain't you sweet. Now Earl tells me that for some crazy reason, you think we're not friends!

Catalina:
The first time you saw me you called me a whore.

Joy:
No, you just misunderstood what I said. Which is understandable, I mean because you're Mexican.

Catalina:
I'm not Mexican.

Joy:
Whatever, you speak Mexican.

Catalina:
I speak Spanish.

Earl:
Well you both speak friendly, so let's just go with that.

Catalina:
Look, I'm not stupid. I know you hate me. And I know why you hate me. It's because I'm hot.

Joy:
Excuse me?

Earl:
[rubs eye] Damn it, there goes the eye again.

Catalina:
You're jealous of my hotness. Admit it, and I'll consider using my incredible body to free you from prison. But not the prison of your fat body, for that you have a life sentence.

Joy:
I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm about ten times hotter than you. You're a man compared to me.

Catalina:
Really? 'Cause the line on my stomach is from my muscles and not a C-Section scar.

Joy:
That is NOT a C-Section scar! That's from when my prom date stabbed me! I had both my babies naturally!

Catalina:
Then I'm sure your gatito is as saggy as your breasts!

Joy:
[opens jumpsuit] Do these look saggy to you? I could float half your village across the mighty river with these puppies!

Catalina:
I've heard enough! This was a hell of an apology. Enjoy your jail time. And by the way, your eyeballs are too big for your head. You look like Finding Nemo.

Joy:
My eyeballs are big? Yeah well, all the better to see your fat ass waddle away with!

Kay Hickey:
[Sitting in the bar with Randy] I know it was wrong. I do. But it's not like he didn't push me there. He was never home. And when he was well, let's just say your father does not know his way around a woman's body. [Randy has panic in his eye] He's got two moves: Squeeze-the-Charmin and Poke-Around-Down-There like he's trying to pop a balloon. [Gesticulating to emphasize Carl's "moves"]

Randy Hickey:
[Looking very ill] Yeah that guy sure is bad at touchin' moms. Hey, I know what might make us feel better. [Desperately trying to change the subject] Not talking about this stuff.

Kay Hickey:
[Oblivious] I mean, what do I have to do? Draw him a map of my vagina?

Randy Hickey:
[On the word: vagina. Randy flings his beer bottle over his shoulder smashing it against the wall] Oops... [Looking ill] I'll go get us more drinks. [Rushes to the bar stage left]

Kay Hickey:
Ok. I'm gonna tinkle. [Completely oblivious to Randy's distress: Kay exits the scene, stage left]

Joy Turner:
[Randy sits down at bar beside Joy] Randy, you look stressed... what's the matter, Punkin'? Any words on the menu you're stuck on?

Randy Hickey:
[Cautiously checks for eavesdroppers] If I tell you, you promise not to say anything? [Joy is suddenly very interested]

Joy Turner:
[Slamming the bathroom door against the wall, Joy enters] Well! Well! Well! [Flash to terrified Kay on toilet] Fee! Fie! Fum! Fo! I smell the stank of a stank-ass ho.

Kay Hickey:
[Bending over to look under the stall wall] Oh! God!

Joy Turner:
[Rapidly] Who's the cheatin-piece-of-trash-stumpet-who-doesn't-deserve-to-have-the-same-last-name-as-you, now! That's right. I read your Christmas letters.

Kay Hickey:
[Pitifully pleading] Leave me alone!

Joy Turner:
[Camera angle is above the stall and looking down on Kay as Joy pokes her head under the stall to confide with Kay face-to-face] I'm just saying, we might have gotten along if we'd known we both can't be satisfied by Hickey men.

Kay Hickey:
I am nothing like you! [Raises her right foot and slams her heel into Joy's face]

Joy Turner:
[Reeling in pain, Joy crumples on the bathroom floor] OW! Damn it! You got me whichyer heel!

Kay Hickey:
[Kay indignantly marches out of the stall as Joy winces in pain] Maybe I had one moment of weakness! But, You! You make cheating a lifestyle! I love my husband! He does the best he can! [Leaving Joy on the floor - Kay marches out]

Joy Turner:
[Camera pans up to the dirty bathroom mirror as the reflection of Joy's face wincing in pain slowly appears] Oh... [Lifting up her bangs reveals a bloody crescent shape in the center of her forehead] Great... [shouting] Darnell! Get me a rag! Somebody kicked me in the face in the baffroom again!

Earl Hickey:
Dad said there was one other woman in town that flirted with him. The waitress at the diner. So we headed over to give him one more chance.

Carl Hickey:
[Getting out of the car] You stay here. I think those other women would have been game if I hadn't had my son with me. I think it creeped them out a little.

Earl Hickey:
[Narrating] I wan't my dad to feel better but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl. I was also hoping he didn't get hit again because he was out of socks and I'd been wearing mine for a week.

Carl Hickey:
[Very excited heads back out to Earl waiting in the car] She's coming out as soon as she freshens up. I told you this was a slamdunk! I'm running across the street for condoms.

Earl Hickey:
Da-da-da-Dad, Dad wait! We really should talk about this. Ah- I don't know if I'm cool with this actually happening! [Yelling after Carl in the parking lot]

Earl Hickey:
[Earl his the bell tinkle and turns toward the restaurant] Patty?

Patty:
Ha-Hey Earl!

Earl Hickey:
When did you start working here?

Patty:
Oh. A couple months ago I had to pickup a second job. My hookin' took a bit of a hit when Bush [Then President Bush] monkeyed with the daylight savings schedule.

Carl Hickey:
[Carl slaps a box of condoms down on the pharmacy counter] [With a cocky jaunt of the head] I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes.

Diana:
I thought you needed the largest kind we had. [Snarky]

Carl Hickey:
Just ring it up, pecker-tease...

Earl Hickey:
[Back to Earl and Patty] Listen I just don't know if sex with a hooker is what my dad'd lookin for. Not that your not great... I've heard wonderful things...

Patty:
Thanks. Word of mouth is very important in my line of work. It's right up there with eye contact and concealing sores.

Carl Hickey:
[Carl approaches stage right] Hello! I see you met my son! I just had to run across the street for a few personal items. And a little something for you! [Hands Patty a heart-shaped box of candy]

Patty:
Thank you! [Patty immediately turns the candy box over] Oh, they have nuts in 'em! Oh, that's sweet but some of my clients have allergies so I need to keep this [Patty circles her mouth with her index finger] a peanut free zone. [Hands nuts back to Carl]

Earl Hickey:
Dad, Patty's a hooker.

Carl Hickey:
[In denial] No... no... no... no... No she's not she's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me.

Patty:
Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress.

Carl Hickey:
Dammit! This was not how this was supposed to work! It's not revenge sex if I have to pay for it!

Patty:
[as Carl and Earl get into the car] If you change your mind sometimes I have coupons in the Penny Saver. It says massage, but...

Carl Hickey:
I'm not changing my mind! [Slamming car door]

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