My Parents Are Aliens

Mel Barker:
Well, I got homework in maths, further maths and advanced further maths.

Josh Barker:
There's no one else I like. Just Tania... And I like her a lot.

Brian Johnson:
But I'm closer to me than anyone. We're practically inseparable.

Josh Barker:
Sometimes, Brian, it's like I'm talking to myself.

Brian Johnson:
Yeah, I get that! Mostly when I'm on my own...

Josh Barker:
All this time he could have turned me in, but he hasn't.

Brian Johnson:
Yeah, what an idiot!

Sophie-morphed-as-Mel:
Sometimes people call me Sophie. Not often.

Psychiatrist:
I see. And who is it who calls you by this other name?

Sophie-morphed-as-Mel:
No one.

Psychiatrist:
Where were you originally from?

Sophie-morphed-as-Mel:
Nowhere. I-I mean, Earth.

Pete Walker:
So tomorrow's the big date. [leaves]

Mel Barker:
Date?

Josh Barker:
Fight.

Mel Barker:
Pete wants to fight?

Josh Barker:
With me. Pete wants to fight with me. He said it to me.

Mel Barker:
But he was looking at me.

Josh Barker:
He's got a squint.

Brian Johnson:
I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to fiddle on the roof.

Brian Johnson:
Who mentioned the Head? I'm going straight to Santa! You'll be in SO much trouble!

Brian Johnson:
Everyone should have something people can remember them by, a neon sign is one of them.

Josh Barker:
[to a girl he just asked out] Don't forget to ring your blips!

Pete Walker:
[to Josh about Tania] You need an entire asteroid to hit earth and wipe out the entire human race. And after that, maybe... just maybe she'd like you.

Brian Johnson:
Cupid hath pierthed their hearths with hith arrowth.

Sophie Johnson:
Thorry?

Wendy Richardson:
[about Justin Timberlake] Entertaining - if you have the intellect of a cauliflower.

Brian Johnson:
Freaking nutcase!

Sophie Johnson:
[reading about Valentine's Day on the Galactic Guidebook]... celebrating something called... romance.

Brian Johnson:
So it's a day of gladiatorial combat?

Lucy Barker:
Romance, not Romans!

Brian Johnson:
[reading the book's spine] Shakespeare, by Romeo and Juliet.

Mr. Whiteside:
I imagine you know why you're here.

Pete Walker:
[sadly] Yes, sir.

Josh Barker:
[stamps on Pete's foot] No, sir. He meant no, sir.

Sophie Johnson:
[her desired wedding ring] Something with gold and diamonds.

Brian Johnson:
[off-handedly] Yeah, something like that.

Sophie Johnson:
No, something *with* gold and diamonds.

Brian Johnson:
[flipping a coin] Two of hearts!

Trent Clements:
I wouldn't say I made any of this. I'd say I merely invited a range of fabulous ingredients to have a party in your taste buds at gas mark delicious.

Brian Johnson:
[Brian has decided to become a knight and has telephoned a zoo in his search for a dragon to slay] Hello there, do you have any dragons? Well, do you have anything that looks like a dragon? A lizard, you say? Does it breathe fire? ...No. Well, okay, can I chop off its head?

[short pause as person on phone talks]

Brian Johnson:
Actually, I'm not sure it's possible to do *that* to yourself.

Brian Johnson:
[on killing a spider] I just want to get rid of this strange and terrible feeling inside.

Lucy Barker:
That's called guilt.

Sophie Johnson:
Have you been eating the duvet?

Josh Barker:
Guilt, not quilt.

Lucy Barker:
Why don't we go to the gym together?

Sophie Johnson:
I'm sorry, who is Jim, and how can he help us?

Mel Barker:
Not "Jim", a gym.