Norbit

"I didn't touch your seat".

"No, that just my... my wife".

"No, the one, suckin' the jelly outta them doughnuts".

"Rasputia, I know we're a little nervous because we've never done this before, but we can take our time, darling. In sweet time. Yes... [Rasputia leans into the doorway wearing lengerie] AAAHHH!!! AAAHHH!!! [Rasputia runs and jumps on Norbit, breaking their bed in the process] OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

"Happy president's day! [Rasputia runs and jumps on Norbit and we see the bed is propped up with cinderblocks. Rasputia and Norbit both bounce up off the bed and come down again] God bless America!

"Damn it, Norbit! How many times do I have to tell you, don't be messing with my car seat"?!

"B*tch, that's MY Wine Cooler."

[repeated line] How YOU doin'!

"I'ma show you how a b*tch go down a slide."

"It's your birthday?! Oh you think it's your birthday, huh?"

"That's what your stupid black ass get! I hope you broke your ass!"

"KATE, B*TCH!!"

"Wow, that was some nice show, Norbit".

"[After seeing Rasputia] Oh, yeah! She's pretty!"

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Rice."

"I just don't trust you anymore".

"Norbit, what are you doing?!"

"What?! No! Don't be silly. You're married, you're here..."

"Norbit, where you go?! Why you run like little b*tch?!"

"[After cutting the head of a duck, that Norbit had, and throws its head to Norbit] Play with that."

"Whale, ho!"

"Just like old times. Maybe you two should go and make poop together."

"Bingo! Right in the blowhole!"

Narrator:
But I never lost hope. I knew that someday I'd find another somebody to share my life with. All I had to do was just be patient.

9-Year-Old Norbit:
[After two twin bullies smash his sandcastle] What d'ya do that for?

One of the Bullies:
'Cause we felt like it.

Both Bullies:
What are you gonna do about it?

[The bullies pick on Norbit, by one of them simply shaking him on his side and the other beating him up. Suddenly, a 10-year-old Rasputia comes over and lifts the bullies up by the shirts]

10-Year-Old Rasputia:
[to the bullies] Leave him alone!

Both Bullies:
Says who?

[Rasputia knocks the bullies' heads together and throws them off sideways]

9-Year-Old Norbit:
Who are you?

10-Year-Old Rasputia:
Rasputia. What's your name?

9-Year-Old Norbit:
Norbit.

10-Year-Old Rasputia:
"Norbit"? That's a stupid name.

9-Year-Old Norbit:
Why'd you beat those boys up?

10-Year-Old Rasputia:
To protect you. You got a girlfriend, Nesbitt?

9-Year-Old Norbit:
Uh, Norbit. No...

10-Year-Old Rasputia:
Well, you do now. Get your ass up and hold my hand.

9-Year-Old Norbit:
Okay. [the source of Rasputia's catchphrase] How you doing?

Rasputia:
[After seeing Norbit, trying to get out of the house] NORBIT!!

Norbit:
Oh! Good Morning, Rasputia! Good Morning! How are you this morning?

Rasputia:
Where the hell YOU going?!

Norbit:
Oh... ummmm. Nowhere special. I was just going to Raging Waters.

Rasputia:
Raging Waters?

Norbit:
Rasputia, we took vows. I'm your husband. RASPUTIA!! WE TOOK VOWS, AND YOU CHEATED ON ME!!

Rasputia:
IT NEVER HAPPENED!!

Norbit:
YES IT DID!! [Rasputia stops and gasps] AND THAT MAKES YOU... THE QUEEN OF WHORES!!!

Rasputia:
Aagh!! [Rasputia suddenly turns back and runs towards Norbit]

Norbit:
[singing in the shower] Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday!

Rasputia:
If say Tuesday again, you ain't won't see Wednesday.

Kate:
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Rice.

Rasputia:
"Mrs. Rice?!" My name ain't no damn Mrs. Rice!

Kate:
Well, I just though that you were married to Norbit...

Rasputia:
Who the hell are you?

Norbit:
Ummm... Kate, I want you to meet my wife. This is Rasputia Latimore and Rasputia, this is Kate.

Kate:
Nice to meet you!

Rasputia:
Hello.

Norbit:
Kate's an old friend of mine from the orphanage.

Kate:
Latimore... as in "Latimore Construction?"

Rasputia:
Yeah, that's right. As in "Latimore Construction." That's right. Why?

Kate:
Well, this is perfect. Because I came to see you guys about a renovation... of-

Mr. Wong:
WHALE, HO!!

Rasputia:
Did somebody just call me a whale?

Mr. Wong:
Yeah! And a ho!

Norbit:
Ohh... Lloyd, what am I gonna do...?

Lloyd the Dog:
Kill the b*tch!

Norbit:
Excuse me? What'd you say?

Lloyd the Dog:
You heard me. Rub 'er out. Take 'er down. Ice the b*tch!

Norbit:
Hey. Lloyd, you're talkin'.

Lloyd the Dog:
She took my legs, Norbit. She took my legs! You know what it's like bein' a dog with no legs?! I can't raise one up to pee. And I can't even hump no more, Norbit! Humpin' was my THING!

Rasputia:
What is this, Norbit?

[Norbit gets up]

Norbit:
Some kinda... weird, satanic, potato art?

Rasputia:
Mm-mm.

[Rasputia takes out a container of acid]

Rasputia:
What's this?

Norbit:
Looks like the acid, we used down at the quarry.

Rasputia:
[stomps foot] RIGHT! But this is Miss Pretty Little Thang's little face. And Norbit, if you ever see her again, if you ever *talk* to 'er again, if you ever to so much as to think about the girl again, this is what's gonna happen to 'er.

[Rasputia pours the acid on the potato art of Kate]

Rasputia:
How YOU doin'! You get the picture, Norbit?

[Scared, Norbit nods his head]

Norbit:
Psst! Psst! Psst! Hey! Hey! Over here!

[Kate walks over to Norbit]

Kate:
I need to talk to you. Do you know what was in those papers, you had me sign last night?

Norbit:
Yeah, the construction permits.

Kate:
No, that's not all.

[Norbit hears Rasputia's giant footsteps, walking over to the window]

Kate:
Norbit.

Norbit:
I I I I-- just-- just-- just go away, Kate! Get outta here!

Kate:
What?!

[Norbit looks at the melted potato art of Kate, then looks back at Kate]

Norbit:
Ya heard what I said! Just get outta here! Scram!

Kate:
The Latimores are trying to take control of the orphanage, Norbit!

Norbit:
Well wh-- why don't you go and-- and find somebody, who-- who gives a rat's ass?! Because I d-- I I I sure as hell don't!

Kate:
Y y-- you don't care?

Norbit:
No I-- I don't care, b and d-- [looks at the ceiling] --And I don't care about you either!

Kate:
[heartbroken] Norbit!

Norbit:
The only woman that I have e e ever ever loved, and ever cared about was my darling... wife, Rasputia! [shakes his head, mad]

Kate:
B b bu-- but last night--

Norbit:
Last night I was ju-- I was just tryin' to nail ya! You know, score?! But now I realize I don't have to do that! All I need is my beautiful, precious wife... RASPUTIA!

[Rasputia shakes her head and smiles in satisfation]

Norbit:
She is all the woman *I* need! So you can just go on and get outta here! You screwy dame! Who needs ya?!

Deion Hughes:
[screaming] THAT'S ENOUGH!! THAT'S ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!! Stop the music!

Pope Sweet Jesus:
Hold on...

Deion Hughes:
[cuts Pope off] Shut up! You two, shut up! That's it. This is husband-and-wife time. Now, let's go. Let's go. Husband-and-wife stuff.

[The ceremony resumes]

Preacher:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

Norbit:
I object!

[congregation gasps and murmurs]

Preacher:
[frustrated] Oh, for Christ sake!

Mr. Wong:
[pleased] Norbit.

Pope Sweet Jesus, Lord Have Mercy:
[cheers] Norbit!

Kate Thomas:
[surprised] Norbit!

Choir:
[singing] Norbit-t-t-t!

Norbit:
This wedding's a sham and I'm here to stop it.

Kate Thomas:
Norbit, what are you doing?

Norbit:
I'm bein' a man for the first time in my life. Kate... Kate, I love you.

Rasputia:
[Rasputia, Big Jack, and Earl stormed into the church] What the hell did you just say?

Norbit:
You heard what I said, strumpet! I love Kate! That right! I love you, Kate! And the last two weeks I spent with you have meant more to me than my whole entire miserable life with you, Rasputia! It's over! Norbit Albert Rice is no longer your b*tch!

Rasputia:
[laughs when Kate doesn't believe Norbit's story on Deion, a corrupt goldigger/cheater] Well, well, Norbit. You lose again! Once a loser, always a loser. Now, come on! Let's go!

Norbit:
[to Kate] Yeah, I thought you'd feel that way about it, Kate. And that's why I took the liberty of inviting some of Deion's ex-wives down so maybe they can tell you for themselves. LADIES!

[Deion is shocked and frightened to see his three exes and their children walk in the church]

Ex-Wife #1:
Hello, Antoine! I've been looking everywhere for you.

Children:
Daddy!

Ex-Wife #2:
Antoine? He told me his name was Luther!

Rasputia:
Who is that ho?

Ex-Wife #3:
Luther? he told me he was gay!

Deion Hughes:
No, no, no. Y'all got me confused with my gay twin brother, Antoine Luther.

Ex-Wife #1:
[angry] You dead, goldigger!

Deion Hughes:
[the wives and children are going towards him] I'm out!

Pope Sweet Jesus:
Look's like the wedding's off, bro.

Lord Have Mercy:
Church!

Big Jack:
God Dammit, Norbit!

Norbit:
Oh, snap!

Norbit:
HALT!!!!!! [Rasputia runs and jumps on Norbit, breaking their bed once again] 187, officer down!

Rasputia:
[Norbit singing "Tuesday" in the shower] Say Tuesday again, and you ain't gonna see Wednesday!