Screen Directors Playhouse

Paul Charters:
This is the abattoir... I mean the dispensary.

Paul Charters:
I say, you're, um, y-you're not a teetotaler, are you?

Dr. Martin Kelog:
No.

Paul Charters:
Good, good. That kind's worse than no company at all.

Paul Charters:
Well, here's to your stay in the most gruesome place outside of Dante's Inferno.

Lotti:
What makes you think I'm antagonistic towards you?

Dr. Martin Kelog:
Oh, not just me, but what I stand for. You're a part of two proud races. They're at war inside ya. You're at war with yourself.

Lotti:
Am I really beautiful?

Dr. Martin Kelog:
Very.

Lotti:
Like an animal? That's what you called me, you know.

Dr. Martin Kelog:
There are only two other categories, vegetable and mineral. You're a long way from being a parsnip, Lotti.

Dr. Martin Kelog:
Shall we go see how the other half dies, Lotti?

Lotti:
The boy?

Dr. Martin Kelog:
He just made a sacrifice to your bank account.

Lotti:
Oh. I'd ask you in, but I'm afraid of myself.

Dr. Martin Kelog:
Afraid?

Lotti:
I'm constantly torn between the enjoyment of your company, and the desire to hit you with a heavy object. And right now I feel like hitting you with a heavy object.

Dr. Martin Kelog:
...I'm Dr. Kelog. I'm on my way to the Van Brink plantation. Am I headed right?

Lotti:
[glares at him]

Dr. Martin Kelog:
Me doctor come lately along this place. You savvy plantation belongem Missy Van Brink?

Lotti:
[glares]

Dr. Martin Kelog:
You don't understand a word I'm saying, do ya? Well, this road's bound to lead somewhere.

Lotti:
[glares at him as he gets back into jeep]

Dr. Martin Kelog:
You're a magnificent animal. If I ever get the urge to go native, I'll look ya up. [drives off]

Lotti:
Animal, am I?

Paul Charters:
Expensive medicine is wasted on the natives. Give them an aspirin or a dose of castor oil and they'll think they've been run through the Mayo Clinic. That's my philosophy.

William Tyler:
I can't understand it. She got the recipe out of my own cookbook.

Prof. Weston:
Lucretia Borgia must have written it...

William Tyler:
Look, you didn't complain when I started to cook. Remember I ruined all kinds of meals.

Maggie Tyler:
Ooh, that was different. It was long ago and our stomachs were better.

Maggie Tyler:
You're trying to subjugate me. You're trying to hold me down. You don't want me to be a brilliant young executive. You just want me to be a, a woman.

William Tyler:
Well, if you try it once, you might like that, too!

[last lines]

Maggie Tyler:
Darling, you sit down. I'll make you breakfast.

William Tyler:
Oh, no. You've got to take care of yourself. *You* sit down.

Maggie Tyler:
Oh - well - I've got to learn how to be a wife *sometime*.

William Tyler:
You know, I think you're beginning to catch on.

Prof. Weston:
As a sometime chemist, I've studied rare poisons for 40 years. All I can say is, if the pygmies of Africa ever found out about your wife's beef stroganoff, they'd come over just to fill their darts.

Jim Wheeler:
[Bitterly to Gil] You know, I'd like to be there when this town discovers its idol has clay feet.

Gil Foster:
[Bitterly to Jim] Do you know how many days there are in ten years?

Sheriff Allan Garrett:
Good to see you again, Gil.

Gil Foster:
I can't say the same thing.

Peter Terrance:
That's not life, honey, that's just a song. People don't have to eat in songs.

Dr. Stone:
You can't amputate weariness.

Claire Gregory:
The drug industry ought to erect a monument to you. You've got a different pill for every crisis.