Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century

[repeated line]

Sherlock Holmes:
Eyes and brains, my dears. Eyes and brains.

Constable Abner Angel:
[over police intercom] Inspector Lestrade, I've been dispatched to...

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
[angry] To what, get in my way?

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Assign me a new Compu-Droid instead.

Chief Inspector Greyson:
No. You put too much wear and tear on the poor robots. They spent half their time in the shop.

Sherlock Holmes:
Human expressions can be read like letters in the alphabet. 'A' for 'anger', 'B' for 'bothered', and your face has 'V' for 'vexed' written all over it.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
How can you tell? I just hear footsteps.

Sherlock Holmes:
Ears and brains, Lestrade.

Sherlock Holmes:
Constable Angel, you surprise me. And that is not easy to do.

Dr. John Watson:
It can be hard to be a sidekick, I know...

Sherlock Holmes:
Good work, Tennison. You'll do down in the annals of computer wizardry for this one.

Dr. John Watson:
It could be anywhere.

Sherlock Holmes:
Hardly anywhere, Watson. After all, we are talking about a twenty ton spacecraft. Surely, that must narrow possible hiding places.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
[on viewscreen] Well, whoever stole it didn't have much time to hide it and we've checked everywhere imaginable.

Sherlock Holmes:
Nonsense, Lestrade. You must expand your imagination. The thief certainly did.

Colonel Ross:
I'll see you in prison!

Mapleton:
You'll see me in the winner's circle.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Gentlemen! Stop your engines or you'll be cooling your jets behind bars. Both of you!

Sherlock Holmes:
Elementary physics, Watson: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Sherlock Holmes:
Elementary geometry: the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

Sherlock Holmes:
Observe. And from what you observe, draw conclusions.

Newscaster:
Top stories: Prime Minister gives birth to triplets. Twelve year old Helphin-Payne the Third sues for emancipation. Details on demand.

Dr. John Watson:
Americans! When will they learn to drive on the proper side of the road?

Sherlock Holmes:
You will bring Arthur.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Grayson won't like it, ew, but what else is new?

Sherlock Holmes:
I am sad to see that there are still men who use love to twist a young girls heart against her family, and even her own wishes... and make her a willing pawn in their criminal schemes. I fear that Burwell is just such a man, and our Mary is just such a girl.

Dr. John Watson:
Come now, Holmes, where's your Christmas spirit?

Sherlock Holmes:
Ask me when I'm no longer being tormented by singing robots.

Blue Carbuncle:
There are plenty of things that don't have a purpose. The apendix, that's just one example. You, that's another.

Professor James Moriarty:
I do wish I could stay and verbally spar. Actually, no I don't.

Professor James Moriarty:
Holmes, I don't have time to waste. It is Christmas, after all. Just give me my present, and I'll be on my way.

Sherlock Holmes:
So now the presents want presents. That's progress. [all laugh]

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
I can't believe your father's getting married again. And to Alice, of all people. I still remember the box of cookies he sent the three of us when we were starving together in college.

Edith Presbury:
If I'd known Alice was going to end up being my stepmother, I'd never have shared those cookies with her.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, if my nose is any indicator, I'd say these monkeys are extremely agitated.

Dr. John Watson:
I say... quite elegant looking, on an atomic level.

Jacob Presbury:
[to Holmes] At my service? At my heels is more like it!

Trevor Bennett:
[grappling with a gorilla] You took her from me... you and your money!

Elsie Cubitt:
But Hilton, what if your discovery fell into the wrong hands?

Hilton Cubitt:
There's no way it can. Our secrets are savely locked away in our computers. And our heads.

Sherlock Holmes:
Besides, remember this: the best assistant is a well trained assistant.

Wiggins:
Were there any witnesses?

Sherlock Holmes:
The room itself is a witness. Our job is to observe what it has to say and deduce what has occured.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
And... where were you this morning, Mr. Slaney?

Abe Slaney:
At my hotel.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Can anyone confirm that?

Abe Slaney:
My pillow. I was asleep.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Lights. I said lights! Oh Zed! [turns on her flashlight] So much for voice controlled lighting systems...

Sherlock Holmes:
My fighting skills may be centuries old, but they're still fair enough to stop you, Mr. Slaney.

Sherlock Holmes:
So Watson, our young companions did a splendid job of solving the case. It was just a matter of getting enough facts to analyse accurately.

Dr. John Watson:
I must admit, Holmes, I had my doubts, for which I roundly apologize to all.

Deidre:
Talk is cheap, Watson.

Wiggins:
Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like seconds. [Tennison chirps and all laugh as Watson offers them more tea and crumpet]

Sherlock Holmes:
Nano technology. Hmm... since 'nano' is Latin for one billionth, I guess we're talking about very small machinery.

Chief Inspector Greyson:
Yes... something like that.

Sherlock Holmes:
[introducing himself and Watson] I'm doctor... Arthur Doyle and this is doctor... Conan. We're acting as liasons for New Scotland Yard.

Sherlock Holmes:
[picking up a piece of string] I sense we are about to tie this one up.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Holmes... sorry about trying to, hm, well, terminate you.

Sherlock Holmes:
Think nothing of it.

Dr. John Watson:
[to Holmes and Lestrade] You're not mad, either of you.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Angry perhaps. Deranged, no.

Professor James Moriarty:
The Laserwave sanitation grid vaporizes all falling debris. Not even New Scotland Yard will be able to find any trace of you!

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
How did you know?

Dr. John Watson:
Eyes and brains, Inspector, eyes and brains.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
No, he's a popsicle, but he's still breathing.

Thomas Moran:
Next time, Yardies, next time!

Sherlock Holmes:
Sorry, Moran, the Cold War is over.

Jill Foxworth:
I thought you could use a break.

Victor Hatherley:
Yeah, that's a fact. But I can't let Mike beat me to the finish.

Jill Foxworth:
You already beat him in the only race that matters to me...

Victor Hatherley:
Yeah, I won the girl and lost my best friend.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Ok, Louie, spill. Who's pedling the black market tickers?

Louie the Snitch:
I-I dunno, I'm just a middle man.

Sherlock Holmes:
Organ legging. The illicit trafficing of stolen human body parts. In my day, not even Jack the Ripper stooped so low.

Dr. John Watson:
Well, I'll be reformated! Jill and Michael are partners in crime!

Sherlock Holmes:
They appear to be partners in something.

Sherlock Holmes:
The game is afoot. And several other anatomical parts as well.

Sherlock Holmes:
I must say, this scheme is exceptionally grotesque and vampyric. Even for you, Fenwick.

Prime Minister:
The Mazarin Chip has been stolen, Mr. Holmes, New Scotland Yard's clueless, and you don't seem to give a Zed!

Prime Minister:
Lestrade, I don't know why you sent that memmo, begging me to see this lunatic. Grayson was right: he couldn't find a thief in a prison!

Sherlock Holmes:
I take issue with you, Prime Minister. Unless I am very much mistaken, Mr. Fenwick here, and his employer are the thieves who stole your precious Mazarin Chip.

Sherlock Holmes:
Cats are singular animals. And it is a fact that cats lick 95% of the humans they come in contact with. A particularly useful trait, I have found, in the field of criminology.

Sherlock Holmes:
We shall see who's DNA Tigerlilly has had the pleasure of licking in the past few hours.

Prime Minister:
I am his majesty's representative and I demand to know what you intend.

Professor James Moriarty:
My intentions? To make a fortune.

Martin Fenwick:
We don't stand a chance!

Professor James Moriarty:
Nonsense. I'll merely use the Marazin Chip to turn this room into a transporter and beam us out.

Martin Fenwick:
[gasps] Briliant!

Professor James Moriarty:
I was kidding, idiot. You obviously haven't watched the classics.

Prime Minister:
I take it back, I take it all back. Mr. Holmes, you're a genius.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, I wouldn't say that, Prime Minister, just observant. Eyes and brains, my dears, eyes and brains.

Security Droid:
Our orders will be obeyed.

Sherlock Holmes:
Are you kidding? I don't even take orders from new Scotland Yard.

Mark Trenton:
You are the one man who can save us. An impossible robbery has occured.

Sherlock Holmes:
One should never confuse the unforeseen with the impossible.

Sherlock Holmes:
What was stolen?

Lord Bollinger:
That, we cannot reveal.

Sherlock Holmes:
In that case, gentlemen, I bid you good day.

Lord Bollinger:
I don't have to tell you how bad this looks, Trenton.

Mark Trenton:
No sir, but please, you must believe me: I had nothing to do with this. I have no idea how this happened.

Lord Bollinger:
That's hardly a fact to be proud of.

Sherlock Holmes:
You said your young drapery women seemed eager to have you leave?

Dr. John Watson:
She did.

Sherlock Holmes:
Then turn off the lights, Watson, let us not keep her waiting.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
He's gone! Zed!

Dr. John Watson:
But how could he just vanish?

Sherlock Holmes:
Excelent question, Watson.

Sherlock Holmes:
Hm. A perpetual motion machine. I remember studying the Da Vinci drawings in school.

Sherlock Holmes:
The vehicle registration number should fall between 2095 and 3000.

Dr. John Watson:
Good heavens, man! How did you guess? It's number 2098.

Sherlock Holmes:
I didn't guess, Watson, I deduced.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Watson has just saved Holmes' life] Well done, Watson. What did you find on Sam Timble?

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
[exasperated] Does the man ever slow down?

Sherlock Holmes:
I recognized this print from my study of current footwear. It is worn by inmates of the Spanish prison system. That he is still wearing prison shoes indicates he can't afford new ones.

Newscaster:
Byte-sucking vampire, or computer generated count? All we know is: the good folks of Sussex county are not laughing.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Just a few more centimeters of steel and the jaws of justice will put the bite on our caped criminal!

Dr. John Watson:
Those Galacto-steel vault doors are a full meter thick, Holmes. They were designed to withstand a nuclear war.

Sherlock Holmes:
Ah, but nothing can withstand our Lestrade. She's a force of nature onto herself.

Sherlock Holmes:
Watch yourself, Watson. Remember, you are a walking databank. If some sort of data-sucking fiend is loose in the city, just think whan an irresistible target you would be.

Wiggins:
It's cold enough to freeze the nose off Lord Nelson's statue.

Deidre:
Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee, now they were scary.

Sherlock Holmes:
No matter, the watch is over. The bird has shown, and the bird has flown.

Professor James Moriarty:
Yes, it boggles the mind, doesn't it, officer Lestrade? And the smaller the mind, the bigger the boggle.

Professor James Moriarty:
Cuff her, Fenwick!

Martin Fenwick:
[chuckles] With pleasure.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Oh, must you both be so theatrical?

Professor James Moriarty:
But of course, Inspector Lestrade.

Professor James Moriarty:
[referring to the vampire] My new partner in crime.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Partner this, Moriarty!

Chief Inspector Greyson:
What's a worm-eaten, nineteenth century rent-a-cop know about twentysecond century crime riot?

Chief Inspector Greyson:
[to Holmes] Huh, what? You've been stewing in honey too long.

Sherlock Holmes:
Does it hurt?

Dr. John Watson:
I'm made of metal, remember?

Chief Inspector Greyson:
I want you in my office, A.S. immediately!

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
You'll be working under me.

Sherlock Holmes:
You? Balderdash! What sort of a world has this become?

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
A better one. For women.

Dr. John Watson:
It looks like an Ionizer blast mark, several of them. And other signs of a struggle.

Sherlock Holmes:
With what would seem to be a great beast...

Dr. John Watson:
In the heart of New London? Preposterous!

Sherlock Holmes:
I admit it seems improbable, but not impossible.

Deidre:
Follow that Hovercab. [gets in] I always wanted to say that...

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
[typing a keyboard] Come on... come on! Zed! Someone's locking me out from the mainframe!

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Hm-hm. My hacking skills are dustier than my first Ionizer. Hey, not as dusty as I thought. Hello, file number 389X4!

James Barkley:
Very good, Mr. Holmes. [Victor growls at him] Thanks to you, I can finish cleaning up and leave the country. I've already changed my genetic I.D., my fingerprints and retina's. I can disappear with millions of credits.

Sherlock Holmes:
Did you ever love Nancy?

James Barkley:
Oh yes, of course. I loved her for everything she had: wealth, power, position.

Sherlock Holmes:
Eyes and brain, Moriarty, Eyes and brain.

Chief Inspector Greyson:
[to Lestrade] Three downed light standards, extensive damage to private property, a fifty year old acacia tree, flattened, and... Lord Nelson's hat! All to catch one harmless rogue geneticist? Are you crazy?

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Oh! Have you lost your holo-chips, Watson?

Dr. John Watson:
Negative. All holo- chips present and accounted for.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Get in the cruiser, you worthless bucket of Zed.

Sherlock Holmes:
It is my business to know what other people don't.

John Openshaw:
Get your metal lackey away from me!

Sherlock Holmes:
Young John Openshaw here is seeking our assistance, Dr. Watson.

Dr. John Watson:
Indeed? Then I shall assist him down the street to the personality improvement seminar.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, and stay away from the windows. The night most assuredly has eyes.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Deduce that all by yourself, did you?

Sherlock Holmes:
I am Sherlock Holmes, after all...

Dr. John Watson:
Here here! That won't help.

Elias Dunsmuir:
Get your metal paws off me!

Sherlock Holmes:
Not to worry, either of you. Moriarty will soon discover the same thing I did: that the cybernests antiquated virus dynamo has long become obsolete, and quite harmless. It belongs in a museum, not an arsenal.

Hudson:
Trevor? You worthless Zed, where are you? Get your carcass out here where I can see you!

Sherlock Holmes:
When did they make their escape, Lestrade?

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Three days ago.

Sherlock Holmes:
Hm, they could be on the moon by now.

Sherlock Holmes:
A most challenging conundrum. I shall turn my full attention to your case, Victor.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Hold on Holmes, New Scotland Yard needs your expertise. You just can't go off and...

Sherlock Holmes:
[holds up a hand to interrupt] Sorry, Lestrade, Victor is my friend. But more than that, he is a friend in need.

Dr. John Watson:
Now, Lestrade, there are two very suspicous characters, if I am not mistaken, and I am usually not.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
[laughs] Gloria made them take her name off it.

Sherlock Holmes:
Gloria. Please elaborate.

Dr. John Watson:
Gloria Scott Reilly, the woman who pioneered algae farming on the moon. The shuttle was christened in her honor.

Professor James Moriarty:
Pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss Lestrade.

[kisses her hand]

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Inspector Lestrade to you, Clone-head.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Don't fire, that's an order!

Sherlock Holmes:
There are obviously two hounds. This one, and the holographic one.

Dr. John Watson:
But what about the old Lunar legends? Why, even the workers who built the mining complex claimed to have seen a phantom hound...

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, drivel and poppycock, Whatson! A trick of light, an overeager imagination, a publicity stunt!

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Moriarty! But... we saw his body. How can he...

Sherlock Holmes:
When you eliminate the impossible, what remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. It's not the man himself, Lestrade, but a clone. As evil as the original, I'm afraid. Complete with his memories intact. Isn't technology wonderful?

Professor James Moriarty:
Today the moon, in less than five minutes: the world.

Neville St. Clair:
Breakfast... how I miss sitting down to a nice, carefree breakfast. Will anything ever be carefree again?

Dr. John Watson:
How would you remember that?

Sherlock Holmes:
It was a unsolved crime, I tend to take note of such, as you know.

Dr. John Watson:
You wouldn't be... jealous, would you, Holmes? After all, I have taken over your spot in this case. Rather successfully, I might add...

Sherlock Holmes:
I envy no one, Watson. It wastes energy and is not productive. Now, on to Baker street.

Dr. John Watson:
[to himself] Oh, he's jealous alright... [chuckles]

Dr. John Watson:
I say Holmes, you nearly gave me an overload!

Sherlock Holmes:
Sorry old man. We can't risk being seen.

Dr. John Watson:
Rather unlikely please to meet, isn't it?

Sherlock Holmes:
On the contrary, Watson. It is the most likely.

Sherlock Holmes:
British Intelligence officers? Why are they here?

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
It's not for their intelligence, I can tell you that.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Oh, give me a break! He had Zed to do with the bust and new Zilch about British Intelligence having Neville under cover. Ugh!

Professor James Moriarty:
[off screen] The British Museum. England's attic.

Wiggins:
What's the haps? Our class is meetin' here for a field trip.

Deidre:
Yeah. Just dying to absorb some history and culture.

Deidre:
So, what did they take? Diamonds? Gold?

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
A beat up, tarnished old sword.

Martin Fenwick:
Zut! We went through all this trouble for a stinking poem?

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
You kids, stay here!

Wiggins:
But...

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
No. This is one field trip you're sitting out.

Sherlock Holmes:
She's right. This isn't academic any more, this is real danger.

Carter Wilson:
I'm changing the great characters of literature to redheads. I just finished David Copperfield, and now I'm working on Moby Dick. [changes the color of the Great White Whale to red] Too much?

Sherlock Holmes:
[chuckles] I suggest you stick with the herrings.

Sherlock Holmes:
I suppose I will have fish and chips in Peking.

Cook:
That's Beijing, pal!

Sherlock Holmes:
Really? For how long?

Cook:
Two hundred years!

Sherlock Holmes:
Come Watson, we might just make the National Art Gallery before it closes. I haven't been there in years...

Sherlock Holmes:
[looking at a piece of modern art] Watson, for once I am completely baffled!

Sherlock Holmes:
Careful, Lestrade, they are dangerous.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
My kinda gig!

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to spot a clue like that.

Sherlock Holmes:
Come, the game is afoot!

Sherlock Holmes:
So, you've come back to destroy the evidence, have you... Fenwick?

Martin Fenwick:
You knew? But how? I've made myself so blindingly attractive.

Sherlock Holmes:
That's debatable.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
It can't be!

Sherlock Holmes:
Ah...

[holds up a finger]

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
[before Holmes can speak] I know, I know, Once you've eliminate the impossible...

Dr. John Watson:
Whatever remains, no matter how improbable...

Wiggins:
Must be the truth.

Dr. Blessington:
You amaze me, sir.

Sherlock Holmes:
Hah, that happens.

Sherlock Holmes:
Your time will come, Moriarty. I shall bring the curtain down on you yet.

Guard:
It's not possible, Inspector Lestrade, this door is on a time lock. Nobody could've had access to this room last night.

Sherlock Holmes:
It clearly is possible, or you wouldn't now be in need of our services.

Chapman:
They're quite peaceful when no' provoked.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
So am I, sir. So am I.

Dr. John Watson:
Subtract what belongs from the scene, and anything that remains becomes suspicous. A page from your own book, and it served me well.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes. Interesting that you so handily found the evidence amidst such clutter.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Hm. He said Roylott's got answers. That's just what I'm in the mood for, right about now.

Sherlock Holmes:
By all means, lets get some.

Sherlock Holmes:
In his own, twisted way, he did it out of love. But at some point, he lost sight of the truth, and then he was lost.

Dr. John Watson:
And what would that truth be, Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes:
The truth, my dear Watson, is that even an eminent herpetologist should not attempt to tip the scales of justice in favor of evil.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Scales of justice, Holmes? Ugh. Good grief!

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
It's a real puzzle, sir. That's why I called in some extra brainpower.

Chief Inspector Greyson:
Oh, no! Not that dead detective!

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Yes sir...

Chief Inspector Greyson:
That's all I need: a mayor crisis and a mayor meddler.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Deidre, if you were looking to buy a rare African doll with no questions asked, where would you go?

Deidre:
Try the Curio shop on Oxford circle near the tube. But don't tell that Zed-head owner it was me who told ya.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
No way, Miss Anonymous, and, eh, thanks.

Chief Inspector Greyson:
Is that scruffy little informant properly registered with the Yard?

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Sometimes, sir, the best information comes from unregistered sources.

Sherlock Holmes:
[to Watson] Now I suggest you help Lestrade escort our imobilized captor straight to New Scotland Yard's strongest jail.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
I set a Yard record tracking down that perp. How did you get here first?

Sherlock Holmes:
Eyes and brains, Lestrade.

Chief Inspector Grayson:
Er, Lestrade, not a word of this to the, eh, Prime Minister, eh? Heheh.

Inspector Beth Lestrade:
Oh, of course not sir... now, about that submersible I requested last month?

Sherlock Holmes:
[watching his client exiting her hovercab from his window] This case already presents an interesting challenge, Watson.

Dr. John Watson:
I say, Holmes, this is too much! How do you know the young lady's not selling vacuum cleaners or some such?

Dr. John Watson:
Eyes and brains, sir, eyes and brains.

Sherlock Holmes:
Watson, I've eliminated the impossible and the improbable and I can still not deduce where, amongst my notes, you have hidden my lunar passport.

Dr. John Watson:
[scanning] Vital signs sinking, he's going into suspended animation, but I don't think he's in any danger of cardiac arrest.

Inspector Fairley:
But in imminent danger of another kind of arrest. Inspector Fairley of the Lunar police. Stand aside, please.

Dr. John Watson:
When we get back to Earth, I'm making an appointment with a body shop.

Sherlock Holmes:
[groans with the strain of pulling up Watson] You have earned it.

Sherlock Holmes:
We all have eyes, and we all have brains. It is how we use them that counts. And how we shall use them in the years to come.