TFI Friday

Adam Clayton:
[discussing false names they use at hotels] I am Mr. C.

Host:
All right. And Larry?

Bono:
You were a posh Irish supermodel for a while. I remember that.

Larry Mullen Jr.:
Oh yeah...

Bono:
Michelle Rocker.

The Edge:
What? *You* were Michelle Rocker!

Bono:
I was not! I was Alison Doody!

The Edge:
I was Alison Doody!

Adam Clayton:
I was Alison Doody!

Bono:
Everyone wants to be Alison Doody *now*!

Bono:
Have I ever dreamt I murdered anyone?

Host:
Anxiety, it's called.

Bono:
Is that what it is?

Host:
Yeah.

Bono:
No, never. I've dreamt a few times that I've been murdered. And most of them spoke with English accents. All right? And worked in the print media.

Bono:
It's pop life. We started playing with it a little bit. We thought it was very funny. And then it caught on. And now it's playing with us, I think, a little bit.

Host:
Finish this sentence! Adam, U2's new album sounds like...

Adam Clayton:
Garbage? [everyone laughs, including the crew. Bono is upset]

Host:
You shouldn't have said that, man.

Bono:
It's his album! That's the sad... Can I just say something? You... that's... sad! That's sad! Cause you're on it on this one! You go and trash the one record where you're really happening! OK...

Host:
You know when you were little? When you were ickle? When you started together, right? Was it a bedroom, garage? Where did it start? Where did you start actually strumming those tunes?

Bono:
I'm still ickle.

Host:
I know you're still ickle.

Bono:
The stage is but a platform shoe, Chris.

Host:
But where was the first platform shoe?

Bono:
Larry's kitchen. Fifteen or sixteen years ickle.

Host:
Ok, so from Larry's kitchen to here tonight, what happened in between?

Bono:
Megalomania. No. Actually, no. Grace, good fortune, blessings. Lots of things. We're just very, very lucky that we were mates before we were in a band and that we were in a band before we could play. You know what I mean? That was that whole punk thing. We actually joined a band before we could play. What makes a great rock and roll band is something not about just music. It's all kinds of things. And the fact that we're all four equal people.

Host:
The last song of your last concert ever. What would your last song be?

Bono:
Amazing Grace.

Host:
Honest?

Bono:
Yeah.

Host:
Why?

Bono:
It's a sound. Grace, how sweet the *sound*? I've never figured that out. Think about it.

Host:
Who's going to live longest out of the four of you?

Larry Mullen Jr.:
Why are you looking at me like that?

Bono:
It's obvious. It's Dorian Gray over here. You know what I mean? There's a really ugly oil painting somewhere. But can I just say one thing? It's not that he's going to live longer. It's just going to *feel* longer.

Bono:
It's the songs that people should be talking about. Because that's the stuff that goes all the way to the back. The screens - that's the wrapping paper for the songs. It's the songs that are the reason why people are here. See, the thing that groups won't admit is that when people are screaming and calling their names, they're not really screaming for them. They're screaming for themselves. Because the thing about music is... your lives get all mixed up in the music, you know? This is true for me. So when I hear somebody playing a tune, whatever it is, whether it's Pulp's Jarvis or something that connects with me, I'm not screaming for him, I'm screaming for what that song means to me.

Host:
Larry, can you have anything you ask for?

Larry Mullen Jr.:
Yes!

Host:
Did you enjoy it more tonight than last night?

Bono:
Edge played a stonker last night. Adam was great tonight.

Host:
How do you know? How do you make the differentiation? How do you know that he had a blinder and he had a stonker? Poor Larry, you're not going to mention him by the way?

Larry Mullen Jr.:
No. Story of my life.

Bono:
Larry was consistent...

Bono:
Chris, a gift for you. [holds up a goldfish swimming in a plastic bag] A goldfish. It's Ickle Bono. If you're anything, you'll find a way of taking that home [to England] .

Host:
I know exactly how to do it. I'll get Will to swallow it.

Himself - Host:
[discussing Bono's meeting with Pope John Paul II] Is it true that he gave you a gift back in return?

Bono:
I have them here. I'll show you. [Bono proudly holds up a rosary he is wearing. Audience oohs and ahhs]

Himself - Host:
Wow.

Bono:
My rosaries. See this? Michelangelo designed it.

Himself - Host:
Beautiful! Now, is that the Pope's? Or is that something he gives to the people he likes? Does he have a lot of those? Like, no offense, but is it like a Blue Peter Badge? [audience laughs. Bono, hurt, hangs his head in shame. The Edge comforts him]

The Edge:
It's all right, Bono. It's ok. You hurt him!

Himself - Host:
No! I didn't mean it offensibly! I really didn't! I mean, does he have a lot of them... I wish I never asked this question!

Bono:
It's like the Blue Peter Badge, actually. Geldof asked for two.

Himself - Host:
Did he? Well, he would. He probably sold one.

Himself - Host:
You've been fasting?

Bono:
Yeah. Well, I'm not fasting from food, it's more... alcohol. So what I'm thinking about is when we finish up. That's what I'm thinking about.

Himself - Host:
You're going to go to The Latch? [they shake on it. Audience applauds] See, the whole thing about Lent is that it's not over yet.

Bono:
The whole thing about Lent... [audience laughs. Bono wags his finger at Chris]

The Edge:
That's a great joke! There is that one, Bono, there! He's right! Technically.

Bono:
As any Irishman will tell you: Lent stops on St. Patrick's Day.