The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Opening narration:
The war between Sorcerers was fought in the shadows of history, and the fate of mankind rested with the just and powerful Merlin. He told his secrets to three trusted apprentices, Balthazar, Veronica, and Horvath. He should have trusted only two...

Balthazar Blake:
This is the Merlin Circle. It focuses your energy. Helps you master new spells. It is where you will learn the Art. Step inside, you leave everything else behind. Once you enter, there is no going back.

Balthazar Blake:
Love, is a distraction. Sorcery requires complete focus. Let's go Thunder and Lightning, there's more to learn.

Balthazar Blake:
Dave? You should run.

Balthazar Blake:
What happened to "don't touch anything?"

Balthazar Blake:
It's okay. I have to go into town anyway to get your anti-itch cream.

Dave Stutler:
[singing] I got a date with a girl 'cause I'm... awesome!

Dave Stutler:
[to Becky] These coils are my life. Two years I'm down here working with them and they're making their own music and it was lost on me and I was never able to appreciate it, until I met you. And I heard you talking about music on your radio show... [sighs] I'm sappy.

Dave Stutler:
No, no, this is not happening, I taste sour in my mouth.

Dave Stutler:
[to Balthazar] Are you insane? [Balthazar thinks, then holds up his fingers an inch apart] Little bit. Okay.

[Balthazar tosses a pair of shoes to Dave.]

Dave:
But these are old man shoes. [sees that Balthazar is wearing an identical pair]

Balthazar:
[threateningly] Excuse me?

Dave:
And I love them... a lot.

Dave:
I don't actually know who you are.

Drake:
Really? You don't recognize me?

Dave:
Are you in Depeche Mode?

Dave:
Do you know what my life has been like for the past ten years?

Balthazar:
I've been stuck in an urn for ten years.

Dave:
So have I. A figurative urn of ridicule. Did you know that in some parts of the tri-state area they still refer to having a nervous breakdown as "pulling a David Stutler"? Did you know that?!

Balthazar:
Try to be a good listener, Dave.

Becky:
How'd you do that? That guy was huge!

Dave:
I've been doing a lot of cardio boxing lately. Let me introduce "thunder and lightning."

[Later in that scene]

Balthazar:
Let's go "thunder and lightning."

Balthazar:
Keep it subtle. Civilians must not know that magic still exists. That would be complicated.

Dave:
Says the guy in the 350-year-old rawhide trench coat.

Horvath:
[waving staff] You do not need to see my faculty identification card.

NYU Clerk:
I do not need to see your faculty identification card.

Drake:
[waving hand and imitating Star Wars Jedi Obiwan Kenobi These are not the droids you are looking for.

Becky:
That guy just flew away on an eagle! A steel eagle!

Dave:
I guess the first thing you should know about me is that I'm a sorcerer.

Becky:
And I thought my last boyfriend was different 'cause he wore a scarf.

Drake:
[magically turns on all the hand dryers in the restroom] Can't have anyone hear your girly cries.

[Drake lifts up Dave and puts him high on the wall.]

Dave:
This is high school all over again.

Becky:
Something about you is different.

Dave:
I'm wearing new shoes.

Becky:
Oh, nice.

Dave:
You wanna meet up at my lab?

Becky:
Yeah.

Dave:
With me?

Becky:
Yes.

Dave:
Okay, just checking.

Dave:
Are you telling me you're trying to possess Tank?

Balthazar:
Yes, and I'm not sure it's the best idea either.

Dave:
No.

Balthazar:
I had a dream. You were insulting me, Dave. Repeatedly.

Dave:
Me? Pretty weird, huh?

Balthazar:
No. Kinda makes sense.

Balthazar:
You have abused the sacred art, and you have abused the Merlin Circle. Magic isn't a game. No shortcuts! Falling in that water and getting electrocuted, that's how a sorcerer loses his power.

Dave:
What rule is that?! 14th?! 27th?! I can't even remember! What difference does it make if it's obvious that I can't even control a few mops?!

Balthazar:
The stronger the man, the stronger the sorcerer.

Dave:
Thank you. Thank you for another useless motto.

Balthazar:
I have another one for you. You will not control your magic if you will not control yourself. You need to stop your worrying and start believing in yourself.

Dave:
Is that what you do?

Balthazar:
What I do isn't the point.

Dave:
I think it is. I'm convinced you exist purely to make my life a living hell.

Balthazar:
You don't know anything about a living hell. You're making progress.

Dave:
No, I'm not making progress. No ring, right? No magic. I can't move the chairs. I can't do it. It's not me, Balthazar, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not it. I'm not a hero. I'm not the Prime Merlinean. I'm just a physics nerd who looks really, really stupid in these shoes.

It's the coolest job ever.

A job so great, it's magic.

Morgana:
now its my turn!

Balthazar:
Change into these. [tosses a pair of formal dress shoes at Dave] Rubber soles block the current. Plus, it helps to look classy.

Dave:
These are old man shoes.

[The camera shows an identical pair of shoes on Balthazar’s feet, before panning up to his insulted expression]

Balthazar:
[threateningly] Excuse me?

Dave:
And I love them. [beat] A lot.