There's Something About Mary

Pat Healy:
Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.

Ted:
I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

Dom:
Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?

Mary's Step-Father:
Boy, don't make me open up a can of whoop-ass!

Ted:
What about Brett Fav... ruh?

Pat Healy:
Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going.

Ted:
Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?

Mary:
Didn't we just do that?

Ted:
Oh, uh...

Mary:
I'm f***ing with you, Ted!

Dom:
Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Pat Healy:
Does he bite?

Sully:
A little bit. Get in.

Pat Healy:
What, you think yer shit don't stink?

Ted:
No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...

Mary:
You've been to Nepal?

Pat Healy:
Not in months, I don't know why I bought the damn place.

Pat Healy:
Wait... how many is this?

Norm:
Umm... four.

Pat Healy:
Four? That seems like an aweful lot of speed to give one little pooch. Are you sure it won't kill him?

Norm:
I never said that.

Pat Healy:
...eh.

Magda:
The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.

Mary:
Who needs him? I've got a vibrator!

Hitchhiker:
You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?

Ted:
Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.

Hitchhiker:
Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.

Ted:
Right. Yes. OK, alright. I see where you're going.

Hitchhiker:
Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?

Ted:
I would go for the 7.

Hitchhiker:
Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.

Ted:
You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?

Hitchhiker:
If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".

Ted:
That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?

Hitchhiker:
No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.

Ted:
That - good point.

Hitchhiker:
7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.

Ted:
Why?

Hitchhiker:
'Cause you're f***in' fired!

Ted:
I think I still want to look her up.

Pat Healy:
Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?

Ted:
You said she was a real sparkplug.

Pat Healy:
No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.

Ted:
Japan? What's she doing in Japan?

Pat Healy:
Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.

Ted:
What, are they desperate? She's a whale!

Pat Healy:
You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.

Warren:
Have you seen my baseball?

Jonathan:
His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that; His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at; They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo; But there's something about Mary that they don't know; Mary, there's just something about Mary.

Mary's Step-Father:
Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?

Mary:
Did you mean what you said up there?

Ted:
Well ya I just want you to be happy Mary.

Mary:
But I'd be happiest with you.

Ted:
What about Bret Fahvera...?

Mary:
What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!

Pat Healy:
What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

Brett Favre:
I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass.

Mary:
Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?

Ted:
No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.

Mary:
You're not that far ahead, Ted.

Mary:
I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat sausages, and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.

Brenda:
"Fatty who likes golf, beer, and baseball." Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?

Ted:
He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!

Pat Healy:
Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.

Mary:
And what's that?

Pat Healy:
I work with retards.

Mary:
Isn't that a little politically incorrect?

Pat Healy:
Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.

Ted:
So you're moving down to Miami?

Pat Healy:
I accepted a job offer.

Ted:
With who?

Pat Healy:
With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.

Ted:
Isn't that the San Francisco treat?

Pat Healy:
It *was*. They're changing their image.

Mary:
Is that... is that hair gel?

Tucker:
Where might I have seen your work?

Pat:
You ever been to...Santiago, Chile?

Tucker:
Twice last year! Which building was yours?

Warren:
Have you seen my baseball?...Have you seen my baseball?

Student:
Hey buddy! I think I know where your ball is!

Warren:
You seen my baseball?

Student:
Yeah, you see that girl over there? She's got it. Only she doesn't call it a baseball, she's got another name for it. [Whispers in Warren's ear]

Warren:
[Walks up to a couple kissing] Have you seen my....wiener?

Girl:
What?!

Warren:
Have you seen my wiener?!

Boyfriend:
What the hell did you just say buddy?!

Warren:
Wiener....

Boyfriend:
Get your hand off my car, I'm gonna fuckin' kick your ass!

Charlie:
Is it the frank or the beans?

Ted:
I don't know, both I guess.

Warren:
[from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!

...

Charlie:
Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?

Ted:
Look, I didn't solicit any sex, OK? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters...

Detective Stabler:
Ted, Ted, it's OK, we believe you. [about the dead body in the trunk] The problem is we found your friend in the car.

Ted:
[smiles] Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck - I get caught for everything.

Detective Krevoy:
[pats Ted's shoulder] So... you admit it?

Ted:
Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.

Detective Krevoy:
Well, uh, can you tell us his name?

Ted:
Ah... no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase, I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?

Detective Stabler:
[nods] First tell us why you did it.

Ted:
Why I did it? Ah... I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.

Detective Krevoy:
[trying to control himself] Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?

Ted:
No.

Detective Krevoy:
How many are we talking here?

Ted:
[confused] Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from this is not that big deal, I mean...

Detective Krevoy:
You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry! [slams Ted's head against the desk]

Detective Stabler:
Take it easy! Calm down! Are you OK?

Ted:
[to Krevoy] What the hell is wrong with you?

Dom:
You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?

Ted:
Cause I'm tired...

Dom:
Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck your head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually... you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.

[When Ted gets his genitals stuck in his zipper]

Charlie:
Is it the frank or the beans?

Ted:
I don't know, both I guess.

Warren:
[from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!

Charlie:
Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?

Ted :
[referring to the zipper incident] I never told you that.

Dom :
Well Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away.