Transamerica

Bree Osbourne:
I'm from the Church of the Potential Father

Bree Osbourne:
I'm a transsexual - not a transvestite.

Bree Osbourne:
Hormones are hormones. Yours and mine just happen to come in purple little pills.

Toby:
I'm not gonna marry you!

Bree:
Glory Hallelujah.

Dr. Spikowsky:
How do you feel about your penis?

Bree:
It disgusts me. I don't even like looking at it.

Dr. Spikowsky:
And how about your friends?

Bree:
They don't like it either.

Elizabeth Osbourne:
Look at your life. You've never been able to stick to a decision. I mean, 10 years of college and not a single degree. How do you know you won't change your mind about this, too?

Bree Osbourne:
Because I know.

Elizabeth Osbourne:
Don't do this awful thing to yourself, please. I miss my son.

Bree Osbourne:
Mom, you never had a son.

Elizabeth Osbourne:
[crying] How can you say such a thing?

Bree Osbourne:
Now you know how I felt when you hired those private detectives.

Elizabeth Osbourne:
We only tried to do the best for you.

Bree Osbourne:
Is that why you tried to have me committed?

Elizabeth Osbourne:
[shouting] You tried to kill yourself!

Bree Osbourne:
Because you tried to have me committed!

Elizabeth Osbourne:
I don't know why you have to be so emotional.

Bree Osbourne:
[shouting] I am not emotional! [normally] God, my cycle's all out of whack.

Elizabeth Osbourne:
You don't have cycles!

Bree Osbourne:
Hormones are hormones. Yours and mine just happen to come in purple little pills.

Toby:
Beauty is relative.

Bree Osbourne:
Not my relatives.

Bree Osbourne:
Eat your vegetables

Toby:
[Toby starts eating with his hands]

Bree Osbourne:
And might wanna use a fork. Just an idea.

Murray Osbourne:
Your mother and I both love you.

Elizabeth Osbourne:
But we don't respect you!

Bree Osbourne:
I got a phone call last night from a juvenile inmate of the New York prison system. He claimed to be Stanley's son.

Margaret:
No third-person.

[brief pause]

Bree Osbourne:
My son.

Toby:
Your parents' house is a lot nicer.

Bree Osbourne:
My parents' house comes with my parents.

Dr. Spikowsky:
How do you feel about your penis?

Bree Osbourne:
It disgusts me. I don't even like looking at it.

Dr. Spikowsky:
What about friends?

Bree Osbourne:
They don't like it either.

Dr. Spikowsky:
No, I mean do you have the support of friends?

Bree Osbourne:
I'm very close to my therapist.

Dr. Spikowsky:
What about your family?

Bree Osbourne:
My family is dead.

Bree Osbourne:
Fasten your seatbelt.

Toby:
I don't like wearing them.

Bree Osbourne:
Well I don't like the idea of seeing your internal organs splattered all over the dashboard if we get into a wreck, God forbid, so put it on.

Toby:
And these shoes. Three dollars, a dollar fifty each. You know how much these things are worth in Japan?

Bree Osbourne:
Three dollars?

Toby:
Like 500 dollars. Japanese people kill for old Nikes.

Bree Osbourne:
Then you probably should avoid wearing them in Japan.

Toby:
Yeah, I'd probably be, like, disemboweled by a ninja.

Bree Osbourne:
You don't have to say "like". "Probably disemboweled by a ninja" is sufficient. And please don't put your feet up on the dashboard.

Toby:
I'm out of cigarettes.

Bree Osbourne:
Quel dommage.

Toby:
What's "quel dommage" mean?

Bree Osbourne:
It means you're not getting any cigarettes.

Wayne:
School's gonna be closing in about fifteen minutes.

Toby:
Wayne, this is really hard. Do you think you could give me a hand?

Wayne:
Sure - what subject?

Toby:
[stands, pushes down his surfer shorts] Sex education.

Toby:
Did you know that The Lord of the Rings is gay?

Bree Osbourne:
I beg your pardon.

Toby:
There's this big, black tower, right? And it points right at this huge burning vagina thing, and it's like the symbol of ultimate evil. And then Sam and Frodo have to go to this cave and deposit their magic ring into this hot, steaming lava pit. Only at the last minute, Frodo can't perform, so Gollum bites off his finger. Gay.

Bree Osbourne:
Jesus made me this way so I could suffer and be reborn the way he wanted me!

Toby:
You're gonna cut your dick off for Jesus?

Bree Osbourne:
They don't "cut it off!" It just becomes an innie instead of an outtie.

Sydney:
There's this scruffy looking kid outside. If he's your boyfriend, I'm totally going to slit my wrists.

Elizabeth Osbourne:
That dirty-looking boy who came to the door a second ago is your boyfriend? How old is he?

Bree Osbourne:
17.

Elizabeth Osbourne:
Oh, my God, Murray, he's underage!

Bree Osbourne:
Mom, he's my son.

Bree:
Have you lived all your life in New Mexico?

Calvin:
Not yet...

Calvin:
[when Bree coughs after drinking mescal] That'll put hair on your chest.

Bree Osbourne:
[clasps hands as if praying] Hope not.

Toby:
How come an Indian wears a cowboy hat?

Calvin:
Well, I guess it's because it keeps the sun out of my eyes better than a head band and a couple of eagle feathers.

Bree Osbourne:
My body may be a work in progress, but there's nothing wrong with my soul.

Bree Osbourne:
Sh*t! I mean, darn! I mean, sh*t!

Hipi Hitch-Hiker:
I'm a level 4 vegan. I don't eat anything that casts a shadow. (A joke, originally made in The Simpsons)