Urban Legend

Sasha:
Spit it out Felicia.

Felicia:
Thats just the problem, I didn't.

Dean Adams:
Missing? He's not missing! It's the weekend. He's most likley shacked up in some motel with a girl. Or a guy... farm animal... whatever! Weren't you ever eighteen?

Reese Wilson:
Not that kind of eighteen.

Parker:
Please, Damon is the biggest practical joker I know. He once convinced a sophomore that he was the middle Hanson brother just so he could get laid.

Damon:
Hey, we're going down to Parker's dorm. Hootie's gonna pierce his nose.

Natalie:
Hootie's a dog, Damon.

Damon:
That's no reason why he can't be hip.

Natalie:
Brenda, you need help.

Brenda:
I have already tried therapy! Obviously, it did me no good, Natalie.

Brenda:
I must say, Natalie, you have proven your friendship to me. Coming all the way out here without even a little pepper spray to defend yourself with.

Damon:
I'll see you two in class tomorrow.

Brenda:
Unfortunately!

Natalie:
Someone's taking all of these urban legends, and making them reality.

Natalie:
You're f***ing crazy!

Brenda:
I prefer the term "eccentric". But, yeah, I guess I'm a little "nutty".

Brenda:
Don't you want to be an urban legend, Nat? All your friends are now.

Tosh Guaneri:
Shut off the f***ing light!

Damon:
Are you sure you don't wanna think this over? Cos, I'm all about you, Natalie.

Natalie:
One black eye or two Damon. You decide.

Damon:
Fine. I'm gonna go take a piss.

Professor William Wexler:
Had those before?

Brenda:
Yeah. They're Pop Rocks; they crackle in your mouth.

Professor William Wexler:
Eat some... thirsty?... What's wrong? Something you might have heard about mixing Pop Rocks and Soda?

Brenda:
Well, supposedly, your stomach and your intestines and everything bursts.

Paul Gardener:
Hey, how about some interviews? You know, students react to the tragedy on campus.

Brenda:
Okay. I am saddened, and moved by the tragic...

Natalie:
This was someone's life Paul. Did you even spend one minute thinking about that?

Paul Gardener:
No, I didn't. But because of my story, three-thousand five-hundred students will. I think that's enough to help me sleep at night.

Brenda:
So, Parker, finish the story about Stanley Hall.

Parker:
Right. So, uh, this guy, he was a professor on campus, maybe 25 years ago.

Brenda:
What did he teach?

Parker:
I don't know, physics or some sh*t.

Paul:
Abnormal psychology. You know, if you want to, uh, tell the story right.

Parker:
Not the point of the story, paper boy. But, fine, Abnormal psych it is. Anywho, this guy, he just flips out, you know, goes completely berserk! He grabs a hunting knife and he strolls into Stanley Hall, bangs on every door, and every student that answers their door, he takes that little knife and he cuts their throat, ear to ear. Yeah, does away with an entire floor before, finally, stabbing himself straight through the heart. And thus, the annual Mega Sigma Phi bash.

Brenda:
So you have a frat party to commemorate a massacre?

Parker:
You betcha.

Brenda:
What exactly happens when I say Bloody Mary five times?

Natalie:
The person standing next to you wonders how you got into college in the first place.

Sasha:
What the hell is her problem?

Serina:
Her roommate died, what do you expect? Pudding?

Sasha:
Tosh was her roommate. She deserved to die.

Parker:
God, what did youhave for breakfast this morning? Carnation-instint B*tch?

Mr Wexler:
Last week we discussed folklore as a gauge for the values of the society that created them. Today-- Today, we get more specific... A babysitter receives menacing phone calls, and, upon investigating them, she realizes that they are originating from an upstairs bedroom, the very room where she's left the children under her care to sleep. Now, who's heard this before? Hmm? [everyone raises their hand]

Brenda:
Well, that really happened to a girl in my home town.

Mr Wexler:
Oh, yes, I'm sure it did. I'm--I'm sure most of you grew up thinking that this happened to girls in--in all your home towns, but it didn't. You see, the babysitter and the man upstairs is what we call an urban legend. Contemporary folklore passed on as a true story. Now there are variations of this one going back to the 1960's, all of them contain the same cultural admonition: Young women, mind your children or harm will come your way.

Parker:
Wait, wait, wait... scratching on the roof of the car, don't you guys get it? Come on, it's just like that urban legend.

Natalie:
What are you talking about?

Parker:
Come on, Natalie, Wexler talks about it every semester in class. You know, guy and a girl parked out in the woods, making out-

Brenda:
You made out with him?

Parker:
Guy steps out of the car and the girl starts to hear these scratching noises on the roof, it's her dead boyfriend, hung from a tree. Damon's in the class, he knew the myth, all right, he must have just planned the whole thing out.

...

Natalie:
It's like someone out there is taking all these stories and making them reality.

Killer:
You're gonna die tonight.

Parker:
Oh, really? [looks at the caller I.D., which says Damon Brooks] Let's see, the call's coming from inside the house. Could it be, an urban legend? Am I right? Hello? Hey, don't get shy on me all of a sudden, fuckface. This is the one about the babysitter, right? She's getting those scary harassing phone calls and when she traces 'em back they're coming from inside the house, right? But, asswipe, aren't you forgetting something? I'm not babysitting any kids!

Killer:
Wrong, this is the one about the old lady who dries her dog in the microwave.

Natalie:
You're f***ing crazy!

Brenda:
I prefer the term eccentric... but, yeah, I guess you could say I'm a little nutty.

Natalie:
Why?

Brenda:
Why? Why? Why?! You still haven't figured it out, have you? Well, lucky for you, Miss Thang, I got a visual aid. There I am, Natalie, with my boyfriend, the love of my life. Have you found the love of your life yet, Natalie? Of course not, you're too self-involved to bother. Pic ring any bells, Nat?

Natalie:
Oh, my God.

Brenda:
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! His name was David Evans, the one you and your friend decided to have a little fun with.

Brenda:
Payback's a b*tch! Isn't it Natalie?

Natalie:
Brenda, please, you need to get help.

Brenda:
I have already tried therapy! Obviously it did me no good, Natalie. And I must say, I am kind of enjoying all this, playing with your pretty little head. You used an urban legend to kill my boyfriend, Natalie, and now...

Natalie:
What are you gonna do?

Brenda:
Oh, just my favorite U.L., the kidney heist. You do know this one, don't ya, Natalie? Guy gets picked up by a woman at a bar, she takes him back to her hotel room, she fixes him a drink, boom! He's knocked out, and when he wakes up he's in a bathtub full of ice and he realizes that one of his kidneys has been removed! [laughs] Supposedly they sell them on the black market, I don't think it's ever actually happened though. Till tonight.

Brenda:
What, are you gonna shoot me, Natalie?! Huh?! What kind of friend are you?!

Natalie:
This will become a legend too, you know. It'll change a little from person to person, of course. Brenda'll become a guy, you'll become a cop, and I'll end up in some insane asylum.

Paul:
So, if this is an urban legend, at what point do we get to the twist?

Brenda Bates:
Like I said, he's all yours.

Brenda:
GOTCHA!

Brenda':
Excuse me? I'm sorry but I can't understand a thing you're saying, doll.

Brenda:
(Chuckles) Now, if I remove the gag, You're going to promise me that you won't scream. Lord knows I have enough of that with Sasha.

'Natalie:
You won't get away with this!

Brenda:
Natalie, of course I will. I've got the perfect murder in the trunk of Paul's car. WEXLER!

Natalie:
You're sick!

Brenda:
Professor, does away with his students. Then, kills himself in the same manner as the course he teaches. It's beautiful. IT'S SO F***ING CLEAN ISN'T IT?! WELL! Enough chat, Nat! Now I'm sorry but I don't have any anesthesia. I guess you'll just have to bite down on that gag and hope you don't go into shock soon now.

Natalie:
Please don't do this!

Brenda:
OUCH! STUPID B*TCH! (Slaps Natalie) I'm really gonna enjoy wathcing you bleed to death! (Puts the gag back on Natalie's face)

Brenda:
Now, is this the kidney? (Stabs Natalie in the stomach) Or is that the liver? I was always such a dope in amenity. Well, who cares, right? First organ I see I'm just gonna grab it!

Reese:
Drop the weapon!

Brenda:
Oh great! Rent-a-cop to the rescue?

Reese:
Get your hands up! Get up against the wall! You looney psycho b*tch! (Turns to Natalie) It's all right, sugar. It's gonna be okay. (Turns to Brenda after Reese untied her as Natalie unties herself from the bed) MOVE IT! MOVE IT!

Tagline:
What you don't believe can kill you