Young Frankenstein

Igor:
My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up.

Igor:
You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him... the things he'd say to me.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
What did he say?

Igor:
"What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?"

Inga:
Hallo. Vould you like a roll in ze hay?

Inga:
It's fun.

Inga:
Roll, roll, roll in ze hay.

Frau Blücher:
Would the doctor care for a brandy before retiring?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
No. Thank you.

Frau Blücher:
Some varm milk... perhaps?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
No. Thank you very much. No thanks.

Frau Blücher:
Ovaltine?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
NOTHING! Thank you. I'm a little tired.

Frau Blücher:
Then I vill say... goodnight.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Goodnight.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
That music...

Frau Blücher:
Yes. It's in your blood - it's in the blood of ALL Frankensteins. It reaches the soul when words are useless. Your grandfather used to play it to the creature HE vas making.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Then it was you all the time.

Frau Blücher:
Yes.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
You played that music in the middle of the night...

Frau Blücher:
Yes.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
...to get us to the laboratory.

Frau Blücher:
Yes.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
That was YOUR cigar smoldering in the ashtray.

Frau Blücher:
Yes.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
And it was you... who left my grandfather's book out for me to find.

Frau Blücher:
Yes.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
So that I would...

Frau Blücher:
Yes.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Then you and Victor were...

Frau Blücher:
YES. YES. Say it. He vas my... BOYFRIEND.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
What knockers.

Inga:
Oh, thank you doctor.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?

Igor:
And you won't be angry?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
I will NOT be angry.

Igor:
Abby someone.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Abby someone. Abby who?

Igor:
Abby Normal.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Abby Normal?

Igor:
I'm almost sure that was the name.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
What a filthy job.

Igor:
Could be worse.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
How?

Igor:
Could be raining.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius.

Igor:
Dr. Frankenstein...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
"Fronkensteen."

Igor:
You're putting me on.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen."

Igor:
Do you also say "Froaderick"?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
No..."Frederick."

Igor:
Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronensteen."

Igor:
I see.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
You must be Igor.

Igor:
No, it's pronounced "eye-gor."

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
But they told me it was "ee-gor."

Igor:
Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?

Inga:
Werewolf

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Werewolf?

Igor:
There.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
What?

Igor:
There wolf. There castle.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged.

Inga:
His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Exactly.

Inga:
He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
That goes without saying.

Inga:
Voof.

Igor:
He's going to be very popular.

Elizabeth:
Oh. Where you going?... Oh, you men are all alike. Seven or eight quick ones and then you're out with the boys to boast and brag. YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Oh... I think I love him.

Elizabeth:
Oh my God. Woof.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.

Igor:
What hump?

The Blindman:
Wait. Where are you going? I was going to make Espresso.

Inspector Kemp:
Vee had better confeerm de fect dat Yunk Frankenshtein iss indeed VALLOWING EEN EES GANDFADDA'S VOOTSHTAPS.

Inspector Kemp:
Following in his grandfather's footsteps, footsteps, footsteps.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!

Medical Student:
But what about your grandfather's work, sir?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
My grandfather's work was doodoo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Class... is... dismissed.

Inspector Kemp:
A riot is an ungly thing... undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.

Igor:
Wait Master, it might be dangerous... you go first.

Inspector Kemp:
Let's all go have some sponge cake and a little wine...

Inspector Kemp:
and sh*t.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Pardon me, boy. Is this the Transylvania station?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
LIFE! DO YOU HEAR ME? GIVE MY CREATION... LIFE!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door.

Inga:
Yes, Doctor.

Igor:
Nice working with ya.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I was joking! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy!

Inga:
You haven't even touched your food.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
There. Now I've touched it. Happy?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Well, dear, are you ready?

Inga:
Yes, Doctor.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Elevate me.

Inga:
Now? Right here?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Yes, yes, raise the platform.

Inga:
Oh. Ze platform. Oh, zat, yah, yah... yes.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Nothing.

Inga:
Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Son of a b*tch! Bastard! I'll get you for this! What did you do to me? What did you do to me.

Inga:
Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
I don't want to live. I do not want to live.

Igor:
Quiet dignity and grace

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Oh... mama...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Eyegor.

Igor:
Froadrick.

The Monster:
For as long as I can remember people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which is my deepest hope, I would instead cause fear. I live because this poor half-crazed genius, has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful and then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.

Frau Blücher:
Stay close to the candles. The stairway can be... treacherous.

Igor:
I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just... followed it down. Call it... a hunch. Ba-dum chi.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Well it seems as if our mysterious violinist has disa...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
puh.

Inga:
Disa what?

Igor:
-ppeared.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Shh.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Well this explains the music.

Igor:
It's still warm.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, "I am man.", our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
SEDA-GIVE?

Frau Blücher:
I am Frau Blücher.

Igor:
Blücher

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
My grandfather... was a very... SICK... man.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Alive! It's alive! It's alive!

Frau Blücher:
Good night, Herr Doktor.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Good night, Frau Blücher.

Igor:
Where are you going?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
To wash up. I've got to look normal.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
We've all of us got to behave normally.

Igor:
It's gonna be a long night. If you need any help with the girls, I'll be...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
HE'S GOT A ROTTEN BRAIN! IT'S ROTTEN, I TELL YA! ROTTEN!

The Monster:
RAAAAAAAA!

Igor:
Ixnay on the ottenray.

Dr. Frankenstein:

Good girl

Inga:

Put the candle back!

Student:
Dr. Frank... [Dr. Frankenstein gives him a look] Fronkensteen.

Dr. Frankenstein:
Yes?

Student:
Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with a voluntary motion?

Dr. Frankenstein:
Are you speaking of the worm or the spaghetti?

Student:
Why the worm, sir.

Dr. Frankenstein:
Yes, it does seem I read something about that incident when I was a student. But, you got to remember that a worm, with very few exceptions, is not a human being.

Student:
But wasn't that the basis of your grandfather's work? The reanimation of dead tissue?

Dr. Frankenstein:
[Getting annoyed] My grandfather was a very sick man.

Student:
But as a [air quotes] Fronkensteen, aren't you the least curious about it? Doesn't bringing back to life what was once dead hold any intrigue for you?

Dr. Frankenstein:
[Getting more annoyed] You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind. Dead is dead!

Student:
But look at what has been done with hearts and kidneys!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[Raising voice] Hearts and kidneys are tinker toys! I'm talking about the central nervous system!

Student:
But sir...

Dr. Frankenstein:
[Shouting] I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system!

Medical Student:
But what about your grandfather's work, sir?

Dr. Frankenstein:
My grandfather's work was doodoo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! [jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view] Class... is... dismissed.

Inga:
Werewolf!

Dr. Frankenstein:
Werewolf?

Igor:
There.

Dr. Frankenstein:
What?

Igor:
There, wolf. There, castle.

Dr. Frankenstein:
Why are you talking that way?

Igor:
I thought you wanted to.

Dr. Frankenstein:
No, I don't want to.

Igor:
[shrugs] Suit yourself. I'm easy.

[Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors]

Dr. Frankenstein:
What knockers.

Inga:
Oh, thank you doctor.

[While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor]

Igor:
[singing] I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. [scatting]

Dr. Frankenstein:
Igor!

Igor:
Frodrick!

Dr. Frankenstein:
How did you get here?

Igor:
Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just... followed it down. Call it... a hunch. Ba-dum SHI!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[To Igor] Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?

Igor:
Of course.

Dr. Frankenstein:
Sit down, won't you?

Igor:
Thank you. [sits on the floor]

Dr. Frankenstein:
No no, up here.

Igor:
Thank you. [sits on a chair]

Dr. Frankenstein:
Now... that brain that you gave me... was it Hans Delbruck's?

Igor:
[Crosses arms] No.

Dr. Frankenstein:
[Holds up hand] Ah. Good. Uh... would you mind telling me... whose brain... I did put in?

Igor:
And you won't be angry?

Dr. Frankenstein:
I will not be angry.

Igor:
[Shrugs] Abby...someone.

Dr. Frankenstein:
Abby someone? Abby who?

Igor:
Abby Normal.

Dr. Frankenstein:
[takes a deep breath] Abby Normal?

Igor:
I'm almost sure that was the name. [He and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]

Dr. Frankenstein:
Are you saying... [Stands] that I put an abnormal brain... [Puts hand on Igor's hump] into a 7 and a half foot long... 54- inch wide... [Grabs Igor by throat] GORILLA?!?!?! [Strangling Igor] IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME!?!

Dr. Frankenstein:
[after failing to bring the creature to life] Nothing.

Inga:
Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry.

Dr. Frankenstein:
No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. [starts beating up the creature] SON OF A B*TCH BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?

Inga:
Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him!

Dr. Frankenstein:
"[pounds on the creatures chest in rage before being restrained]"I DON'T WANT TO LIVE! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE! "[whimpers]"

Igor:
[To the audience] Quiet dignity and grace. [rolls eyes]

Dr. Frankenstein:
Oh... mama...

Dr. Frankenstein:
Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!

Inga:
Yes, Doctor.

Igor:
[sarcastically] Nice workin' with ya.

[Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage. Panicking, Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the door.]

Dr. Frankenstein:
Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. [Turns to the Monster, then back to the door] What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? [Sarcastically] HA HA HA! [Begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Bl?cher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell.] Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! MOMMY!!!

Frau Blucher:
[blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell] Nein!

[The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains. Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]

Dr. Frankenstein:
Hello, handsome! [The Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed] You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... GOOD! [The Monster starts to cry, and Dr. Frankenstein hugs him] This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!

Inga:
[from outside] Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?

Dr. Frankenstein:
MY NAME IS FRANKENSTEIN!!!

Inga:
You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. In the transference, the monster got part of your wonderful brain. But what did you ever get from him?

[Dr. Frankenstein moans suggestively and approaches her in bed]

Inga:
[gasping] Oh my goodness, I don't believe... [emits several somewhat painful-sounding moans and grunts] [singing] Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! At last, I know the secret of it all!

yesh yesh ...he was my boyfriend

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
[dreaming] I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. [pauses] All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

Frankenstein'S Monster:
UU-EE ONA UIIIITTTZZZZ!! (Putting On The Ritz)

Ingra:
Dr. Fronkensteen wake up. Dr Frederick Frankenstein: What is it? Ingra: You are having a nightmare.

Student:
I have a question Dr. Frankenstein. Dr. Fredrick Frankenstein: That's Froonkensteen.

Student:
I have a question Dr. Frankenstein. Dr. Fredrick Frankenstein: That's Froonkensteen.

Igra:
Why look you haven't even touch your food. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: There now I touch it. Happy?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
When I give the signal throw the first switch! Igor: You got it master! Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Get ready, get set,go! Throw the second switch! Throw the third switch! Igor: Not the third switch! Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Throw it I said! Throw it! LIFE!LIFE!GIVE MY CREATION LIFE!!! Turn everything off and bring me down!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
Hello Mrs. Frankenstein. Urga: Mrs. Frankenstein. What a beautiful name!

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein:
There's a possibility of an electricution do you understand? I say "There's a possibility of an electricution do you understand?" Igor: I understand I understand. Why are you shouting?