The Comedy2012

Waitress:
Do you have those clean glasses?

Swanson:
[doesn't answer, looks her up and down]

Waitress:
...I'm sorry, are you deaf?

Swanson:
[covering his nose] Oh, God, your f***ing breath, it smells like this dirty, this, oh-I can't tell if it's the trash here, or your breath.

Waitress:
There was something I was meaning to ask you, have you tried using the dish soap to clean out your a**hole?

Swanson:
Yeah, I use it all the time.

Waitress:
Because you stink.

Swanson:
[gesturing to the sink] I actually, this is where I shower, I shower, I put my head in here...

Waitress:
Oh really, you can fit in there?

Swanson:
Yeah. Oh you know what Rodrigo was asking me about, uh, making some bread, and I guess they're out of yeast, so they were wondering if they could use, uh, some of the yeast from your vagina, 'cause I notice how infected it gets?

Waitress:
Yeah, he spoke to me about that, and I directed him to, uh, ask you about your dick cheese. See if that would maybe help.

Swanson:
Oh, wow. So good, so funny! You're so funny!

Waitress:
You are! You are!

Swanson:
I didn't realize you were so funny!

Waitress:
I didn't realize you were!

Swanson:
...you know I'm a convicted rapist, right? They told you that?

Waitress:
No.

Swanson:
Oh really, I thought they were supposed to let all the employees know about that.

Waitress:
No, they didn't tell me.

Swanson:
Yeah, I rape anything I can get my hands on. Alright?

Waitress:
Mm-hm.

Swanson:
[getting the glasses] Are these for you?

Waitress:
Thank you.

Swanson:
Okay, great, good luck!

Waitress:
Bye, bye!