Mousehunt1997

[Lars and Ernie are at the animal shelter in search of a suitable mouse-hunting cat.]

Maury, the Handler:
Find the one you want, and I'll spay or neuter it myself.

Lars:
Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat, one with experience.

Maury, the Handler:
That's a switch. Most people want the cute little ones. Experience with what?

Ernie:
Mouse-hunting.

Maury, the Handler:
Oh, all cats are good mousers.

Ernie:
Yes, but you see, we have huge rats, the size of sumo wrestlers, and lots of them, so we really need a ferocious feline, preferably with a history of mental illness. I'm talking... one mean p*ssy.

Lars:
Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love. You have any of those knocking around your cages?

Maury, the Handler:
Funny you should ask. I'd given up hope on anyone wanting him. We were about to... gas him again.

Ernie & Lars:
Again?

[Maury leads the brothers to a chained-and-padlocked crate.]

Maury:
He's spent most of his life in that box, I expect...

[Ernie reads a tag tied to the crate] "Catzilla"?

Maury:
Oh, you know the guys who clean up call him that, but you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks more like a "Fluffy."

[Lars leans down] Aw, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You want to get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it!

Ernie:
You're a stupid cat, aren't you? Yes, you are! And you're ugly, too, extremely ug...

[The cat lunges, until Maury subdues him with a taser.]

[Lars sees his ripped coat sleeve] Oh, you little bastard!

Ernie:
We'll take him!