The Soup2004

Himself - Host:
And now, my Labor Day Special Comment to Miss Lohan and Miss Spears: Britney, Lindsay, summer's over and that means it's time to get back to work. When we get back to work next Tuesday, we want you to be there for us.

Keith Olbermann:
You see, for every time you pass out in a car, attack a car, crash a car, or have a picture taken of your privates while getting out of a car, you are not just keeping yourself in the limelight, you are also keeping us employed. That's right, we get paid for the jokes we write about the things you do. And that's why we have one simple request to take you through the rest of '07: if you do nothing else this year, somehow, some way, please manage to survive.

Himself - Host:
And by "survive," I mean "get back to being the crazy kids we knew and loved, the gals who would get caught on tape being the mildly dumb a fella could make fun of without having to feel bad."

Britney Spears:
[looking confused in a clip replay] Huh?

Keith Olbermann:
Yeah, like that. Sometimes it's hard to do on your own, so here are some helpful survival tips we think you could both use. One: stop blaming Mommy and Daddy... even if they are to blame. You are both adults, and at some point every adult has to take responsibility for his or her actions... with the exception of the White House staffers and Fox News employees. Two: get over yourselves and do something for someone else. Even Paris Hilton came out of jail vowing to make a difference in the world. She may or may not do it, but if she does, do you want that stick puppet to be better than you are at saving the world? Sober up and take her down! And finally, Survival Tip #3, which may seem easy, but were I you, Lindsay and Britney, it would be one of the hardest things I could imagine: take a good, hard look at this picture.

[a photo of Anna Nicole Smith is shown]

Keith Olbermann:
I really and truly hope you don't become this. So, Miss Spears, Miss Lohan, we are done talking about you. Go to bed. Good night, and good luck.

Himself - Host:
Do I look smarter on Camera 2?