The Thick of It2005

Malcolm Tucker:
I just wanted to say to you by the way of introductory remarks that I'm extremely miffed about today's events and in my quest to try to make you understand the level of my unhappines, I'm likely to use an awful lot of - what we would call - violent sexual imagery and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that.

Nicola Murray:
I could actually do without the theatrics I think, Malcolm.

Malcolm Tucker:
Enough! E-f***ing-nough. You need to learn to shut your f***ing cave. Right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid f***. You took the data loss media strategy and you ate with a lump of E.coli. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 mph.

Nicola Murray:
I simply made a mistake.

Malcolm Tucker:
You got on the record and off the record f***ing mixed up! What would have happened if like George Martin would have done that? They wouldn't be no f***ing Beatles, that's what. No, I don't give a f*** about that. I'd have to f***ing sit next to Paul McCartney in f***ing checkers!

Nicola Murray:
The data loss wasn't my fault.

Malcolm Tucker:
Fine, yeah, but I tell you what. It came out f***ing pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder - should I just go and talk to the boss, should I go and tell him "I don't think she's up to the job."

Nicola Murray:
You said yourself if he sacks me after a week that looks like HE's f***ed up.

Malcolm Tucker:
Yeah, but that was before; When your only problem was a f***ing sh*t pun in a newspaper and a face like Dot Cotton licking piss off a nettle.

Nicola Murray:
Okay I messed up. Right? I messed up, but... I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. I'll go on Question Time wearing a push up bra and a fez. I'll do the hustings on stilts if that's what you tell me the strategy is because you know about that stuff, Malcolm I know that. It's just that I've got things that I want to do, alright?

Malcolm Tucker:
Of course you do, like Montessori f***ing rocking horses I suppose.

Nicola Murray:
No no no.

Malcolm Tucker:
The Mail have the motherload on this - right? So that means there's a way through this for us but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie.

Terri Coverley:
Right, what's the strategy?

Malcolm Tucker:
The Kraken awakes!

Terri Coverley:
No no - it's just that this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezes and stilts and teabagging. I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management.

Malcolm Tucker:
I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is?

Terri Coverley:
Not really, no. I'm told it's unpleasant. Who'd you want me to call?

Malcolm Tucker:
The Mail. Get The Mail in. Okay, come on, The Cheeky Girls, that's it, back on tour.