Chanel Oberlin: I am a future network news anchor who's super-classy and has almost no fat on her body. But a lot of my fans are, like, friendless, dumpy coeds at this or that nursing school in one of this country's various national armpits. And Chanel-O-Ween is the one time of year where I can give these precious donkeys something to look forward to. They put down their Hot Pockets and bask in the warm glow of what it feels like... to love me.
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