Saturday Night Live, Season 21

Norm MacDonald:
And now a new feature on Weekend Update, here's Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. Nancy?

Nancy Walls:
Thank you, Norm.

Norm MacDonald:
Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy Walls:
Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [Norm and Nancy solemnly shake their heads, which they do with every sad story] The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap.

Norm MacDonald:
That...that just breaks your heart.

Nancy Walls:
And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm MacDonald:
Oh...oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy Walls:
It's the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who's been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for 75 years...

Norm MacDonald:
Oh, hey, I love that swan.

Nancy Walls:
Well, wait. He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his own beak.

Norm MacDonald:
Oh...that's just senseless.

Nancy Walls:
And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen. The liver was later found in a large Kaiser roll with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing. It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm MacDonald:
Oh...what a world we live in, Nancy. What a world.

Nancy Walls:
I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Norm MacDonald:
Well, is that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

Nancy Walls:
No, no, Norm, there's one more item. I'm a new cast member, I just moved here all the way from Chicago, and this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Norm MacDonald:
Oh...that's not right.

Nancy Walls:
What are you gonna do?

Norm MacDonald:
Well, hey, maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

Nancy Walls:
You really think so?

Norm MacDonald:
[shaking] No, I don't. Nancy Walls, everybody.