Blackadder

[A reformed Ebenezer Blackadder hands Baldrick the money he just lifted from his niece's fiancée.]

Blackadder:
Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus. I'm going to have a party, and no one's invited but me!

[Mrs. Scratchit arrives to swindle him]

Mrs. Scratchit:
Coo-eee!

Blackadder:
No peace for the wicked.

Mrs. Scratchit:
[soppily] Ah, Mr. Ebenezer, I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me? Or had found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas?

Blackadder:
I have always found you foul, Mrs. Scratchit, and more than a little. [she looks shocked] As for Tiny Tom's Christmas, he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside.

Mrs. Scratchit:
But he's a cripple!

Blackadder:
He's not a cripple, Mrs. Scratchit. Occasionally saying "phew, my leg hurts" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick.

Baldrick:
It did, actually.

Blackadder:
However, if you want something for lunch, [picks up a pale] take this. It's a pound a lump and, as luck would have it, there are 17 lumps left. [Takes back the money she had swindled from him earlier] Thank you.

Mrs. Scratchit:
But what about my Tiny Tom?

Blackadder:
Well, if I was you, I'd scoop him out and use him as a houseboat. Good day.

[Mrs. Scratchit walks out, crying]

Baldrick:
Mister B, where's the milk of human kindness?

Blackadder:
It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.