Criminal Minds, Season 1

Gideon:
Joseph Conrad said, "The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary. Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness."

Hotchner:
This is Special Agent Spencer Reid.

Gideon:
Doctor Reid.

Hotchner:
Dr. Reid, our expert on...well, everything.

[dog barks and Reid jumps]

Hotchner:
It's ok, it's what we call the Reid effect; it happens with children, too.

Hotchner:
This is Dr. Reid.

Heather's Brother:
Doctor? You seem too young to have gotten into medical school...

Reid:
They're PhD's, three of them.

Heather's Brother:
Are you a genius or something?

Reid:
I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute. [gets a weird look] Yes, I'm a genius.

Gideon:
Hotch tell 'em we're ready!

Morgan:
We're ready? (looks to Reid as Gideon exits the room) Reid, are you good with this? We've got a woman who's only got a few hours left to live, an incomplete profile and a Unit Chief on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Gideon:
[enters the room then grabs an apple and walks back out saying] They don't call them nervous breakdowns anymore.

Reid:
It's called a major depressive episode.

Gideon:
Emerson said, "All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle."

Gideon:
"Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

Reid:
Samuel Beckett.

Morgan:
"Try not. Do, or do not."

Reid:
Yoda.

Reid:
[referring to Gideon] Do you know why he always introduces me as Dr. Reid?

Hotchner:
Because he knows people see you as a kid and he wants to make sure they respect you.

Gideon:
Winston Churchill said, "The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you will see."

[Accurate for show quote, inaccurate according to Winston Churchill page]

Hotch:
[to Morgan] ...guess what Gideon means?

Reid:
[Walking past] Mighty Warrior. Appropriate.

Gideon:
Nietzsche once said, "When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you."

Garcia:
You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's office of supreme genius.

Morgan:
Hey it's Morgan. I need you to work me some magic here. I got a program called Deadbolt Defense and a girl with only a couple hours to live. So what do you know?

Garcia:
Then you've got a problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack resistant software out there. You're going to have to get inside this guy's head to get the password.

Morgan:
I thought I was calling the office of supreme genius.

Garcia:
Well gorgeous you've been rerouted to the office of too frickin' bad.

Morgan:
He put bombs in metro train stataions, book stores and movie theatres!

Girl 1:
Oh um...The Mad Bomber, George Metesky!

Morgan:
Nice! Winners sit...Loosers drink!

Girl 2:
Hang on! Metesky wasn't a serial killer. None of his bombs ever killed anyone!

Morgan:
Wait you think all we do is Serial Killers? Trust me we deal with the whole spectrum of psychos! We profiled the DC Sniper, the Unibomber. We do arsons, murders...

Girl 2:
Supervisory Special Agents trying to get Trainees drunk?

Gideon:
Einstein once said, "Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited; imagination encircles the world."

Elle:
Chemical accelerant could mean chemistry student.

Reid:
It could also mean chemistry professor.

Elle:
I say student. You need self-confidence to lecture in front of a classroom full of 30 college kids. Arsonists are socially incompetent. This guy doesn't go on dates, doesn't go to parties, doesn't feel comfortable in front of groups. [Reid looks at Elle, realizing he fits the description] And of course he's a total psychopath.

Reid:
Of course.

Gideon:
No badges. I don't want to satisfy the unsub's need for attention by letting him know the FBI is here. Try not to look official. [looks at the team] Try to look less official.

Garcia:
Okay, you know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asked McCoy to do something totally impossible and McCoy says, "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!"?

Morgan:
Hey, what are you telling me? Not to expect a miracle?

Garcia:
No, I'm saying I'm not a doctor.

Morgan:
That's my girl.

Morgan:
You know, there's got to be a faster way to do this. How about we just change the first question to "have you recently dated a homicidal pyromaniac?"

Elle:
Well, what is the most sinful place on campus?

Morgan:
Come on, Elle, when I was in college it was everywhere.

Gideon:
You rely too much on precedent, you never allow for the unexpected.

Gideon:
James Reese once said, "There are certain clues at a crime scene which, by their very nature, do not lend themselves to being collected or examined. How's one collect love, rage, hatred, fear...? These are things that we're trained to look for."

Patrol Guy:
You're one of those FBI guys. A profiler, right? Like, one look at the crime scene you can tell what kind of shampoo a killer uses.

Gideon:
You're a bit skeptical.

Patrol Guy:
Maybe a little.

Gideon':
Your girlfriend thinks you're going to break up with her.

Patrol Guy:
You're kidding, right?

Gideon:
Well, you keep adjusting your necklace. That tells me you're not used to wearing one or somebody else probably bought it for you, bought it recently, and the Chinese symbol on it means "forever yours."

[Later]

Gideon':
You broke up with her. No more necklace.

Patrol Guy:
Yeah, I kinda wanted to date someone else.

Gideon:
What's her name?

Patrol Guy:
Brian

Gideon:
Oh. Well, that's... That's a pretty good reason.

Garcia:
If I figure it out, does it earn me a night of passionate love-making?

Morgan:
Most definitely, Sweetness. With Reid.

Gideon:
Faulkner once said, "Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself."

Gideon:
Samuel Johnson wrote, "Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those who we cannot resemble."

Elle:
I may have something. Barbara Keller was having some trouble insuring some coins she bought. The insurance company thought they might be fake.

Hotchner:
So the insurance company is blowing up annoying clients?

Morgan:
My bomb fragments- let's start putting this bad boy together.

Garcia:
Why bother, don't you just dust for prints and...stuff?

Morgan:
[chuckling] Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI?

Garcia:
I didn't get into medical school.

Morgan:
Why does that not surprise me?

Garcia:
[punches Morgan] Ouch. That's what my father said.

Morgan:
Now pay attention!

Garcia:
Aww. It's like school!

Morgan:
What you think it's bull? Seriously the way that they put these together can tell us something about the UnSub! I mean the Unabomber always put something wooden in his bombs. It's their singature...I mean they think that they're artists or something! The sign their work!

Garcia:
Now you sound like Gideon!

Morgan:
(punches her shoulder lightly) Okay. Ouch!

Garcia:
Signature behaviour! If Walker got tips from Bale about bomb making then he may have told him how to steer clear of the police!

Morgan:
Uh-uh! Someone's been taking notes!

Garcia:
Medical school, schmedical school!

Morgan:
Don't hurt yourself Garcia!

[Piecing together the bomb]

Garcia:
: If there was a longer rod, it could've fit here and gone all the way through...

[Morgan looks at her in surprise]

Garcia:
Tetris.

[Garcia is arranging her lunch nicely and was about to take her first bite]

Morgan:
You ready to do some work?

Garcia:
[dumps sandwich back onto plate] Why not? I haven't slept this week, might as well give up eating too.

Morgan:
Aww, poor baby. Try not to let the tears hit the paper, it gets a little messy.

Hotch:
I spent a good chunk of my childhood looking for a 1944 penny worth thousands.

[everyone stares]

Hotch:
Yes, I was a little bit of a nerd, is that so surprising?

Elle:
Not to me...

Gideon:
French poet Jacques Rigaut said, "Don't forget that I cannot see myself. That my role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror."

Morgan:
Come on Baby blow!

Elle:
(laughing at Reid who is having trouble blowing out his candles) I thought you were full of hot air, Reid.

JJ:
They're trick candles, Spence! They come back each time!

Morgan:
(pulling on his hat like a baby) Aww, Mommy to the rescue!

Reid:
Mommy?

Elle:
(puts her hand on his shoulder) Ignore him!

Hotchner:
(watching them interact) Isn't it amazing he knows what he knows and he's only 24?

Gideon:
Imagine what he'll know by fifty!

Agent:
Agent Hotchner?

JJ:
(looks at Elle smiling) Hope you like chocolate!

Morgan:
You blew wax on the cake man!

Reid:
Sorry! (sees all the people crowding him then runs over to Gideon)

Gideon:
You having fun?

Reid:
(dully) Yes, yes i'm definately having fun!

Gideon:
(smiles apologetically) You make a wish yet?

Reid:
(eyes the "cake" hat nervously) Can I take this hat off?

Gideon:
(looks at the others) I wouldn't!

JJ:
(calls to Spencer) Hey, Spence? (holds out a slice of cake on a plate) First piece for the birthday boy!

Reid:
(goes to walk away but walks back to Gideon) She's the only person in the whole world who calls me Spence.?! (laughs nervously)

JJ:
(calls from off screen) Hey Spence? Get over here! (as Spencer sits at his desk) Did everyone get some?

Elle:
(as she's eating) Mm! (as JJ goes to take a bite) There's a cherry in it! (then JJ raises her eyebrows surprised)

Morgan:
(as Spencer goes to eat some cake) Hey, JJ? (as she looks at him) Why don't you feed it to him?

Spencer:
(sighs audiably)

Morgan:
Why the Tommy Killer?

Hotchner:
You know the rock opera? Well, this unsub glues his victim's eyes wide open.

Reid:
He wants them to see him.

Gideon:
And feel him.

The Poem between Death and the Lady

'Fair Lady, throw those costly robes aside,

No longer may you glory in your pride;

Take leave of all your carnal vain delight,

I'm come to summon you away this night.'

'Talk not of noon! you may as well be mute;

There is no time at all for vain dispute,

Your riches, gold, and garments,jewels bright,

Your house, and land, must on new owners light.' - Death and the Lady by Lesley Nelson-Burns

Reid:
You should see what comes up when you type "death" into a search engine.

Morgan:
No wonder you can't find a date.

Gideon:
Finding new ways to hurt each other is what we're good at.

Morgan:
I hate not having a plan. We're looking for a needle in a haystack.

Reid:
Actually, it's more like we're looking for a needle in a pile of needles.

Morgan:
What?

Reid:
A needle would stand out in a haystack.

Morgan:
[chuckling] Okay, then we're not looking for someone who stands out.

Reid:
No, we're looking for a particular needle, in a pile of needles.

[Morgan gives him a look while he's busy looking through binoculars]

Reid:
Do you think it's weird that I knew that ballad?

Elle:
Reid, I don't know how you know half the stuff you know, but I'm glad you do.

Reid:
Do you think that's why I can't get a date?

Elle:
Have you ever asked anyone?

Reid:
[Reid shifts his eyes] No.

Elle:
That's why you can't get a date.

Gideon:
There's someone else on the plane that's a huge Skins fan.

Reid:
Who?

Gideon:
The only person in the world who calls you 'Spence.'

Reid:
[Looks back after getting up and moves his chess piece] Checkmate.

Gideon:
Rose Kennedy once said, "Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them."

Gideon:
Euripides said, "When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him."

[after seeing another agent flirt with Morgan and girls stare at him]

Reid:
Must be tough, man.

Morgan:
[laughs] Not really.

Reid:
What do you mean? You don't DO anything and these women are throwing themselves at you.

Morgan:
Strictly off limits, Reid.

Reid:
There's no code of conduct that says agents can't socialize.

Morgan:
See, my code of survival says never mess with a woman who carries a gun. (The next shot is of Elle Greenway)

Reid:
I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think that I do.

Morgan:
I never said that. When have I ever said that?

Reid:
Every day since I met you.

Elle:
This morning at breakfast.

Hotchner:
Yesterday when he beat you at cards, um, we've got one minute.

Morgan:
Anybody ever heard of sarcasm?

Elle and Reid:
Mmhm.

Mr. Davenport:
[talking to Reid] Excuse me, c-can you actually read that fast?

Reid:
Our conscious mind can process sixteen bits of information per second; our unconscious, however, can process eleven million.

[Mr. Davenport glances between Gideon and Reid with a nervous look]

Reid:
Yes, I- I really can read this fast.

Kidnapper:
[on the phone] If you hang up, I'll rip her open-

Gideon:
I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. [disconnects the call]

Mr. Davenport:
What the hell are you doing?!

Gideon:
Saving your daughter, Mr. Davenport.

Elle:
[regarding Cheryl, claiming that she can feel when something is wrong with her twin] You think Cheryl's a whackjob because she claims she can feel her sister's anxiety?

Morgan:
I never said whackjob.

[Reid walks in]

Reid:
Actually, there may be a physiological basis for it.

Morgan:
Don't ask.

Reid:
Reversed egg symmetry,monozygotic eggs split late between nine to twelve days, the DNA matches right down to the very last stranded code. There are sporadic documents of shared physiological pain.

Morgan:
And you believe it?

Reid:
No. I'm just saying it's possible.

Gideon:
Euripides said, "When love is in excess, it brings a man no honor nor worthiness."

Patricia:
No, no, no, no. Do not start with the "I love yous"

Her boyfriend:
I do!

Patricia:
You only say it when you're drunk!

Her boyfriend:
I'm not drunk. I'm just buzzed a little bit!

Patricia:
Um..."Buzzed a little bit" is what drunk people say to convince themselves that they're ot drunk! (he goes to kiss her) No, no, no! Touch your fingers to your nose! (he goes to use her fingers) Your fingers! (giggling she runs away from him) Walk a straight line! (sighing he holds his arms out to balance himself then walks over to Patricia and kisses her in pursuasion) Okay you can drive!

Her boyfriend:
Alright!

Patricia:
Slowly though no speeding!

Chery:
This is where she fell! Trish is a fighter! She wouldn't have gone quietly! Not even with a gun pointed at her!

Elle:
There are nail marks in the seat!

Morgan:
So you think your sister is still alive?

Cheryl:
I Know my sister is still alive!

Elle:
You know in the way...twins know?

Cheryl:
Not the "I-can-feel-my-twins-pain" crap! If you stick Trish with a needle I don't cry out but if something is wrong...I can feel it!

Cheryl:
What's he doing?

Elle:
He's role playing!

Cheryl:
How does that work?

Elle:
He's trying to get a feel for the kidnapper!

Cheryl:
That doesn't sound very scientific does it?

Gideon:
Nietzsche wrote, "The irrationality of a thing is not an argument against its existence, rather a condition of it."

Hotchner:
Shakespeare wrote, "Nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable."

Reid:
Look at me! Without a gun, I look like a teacher's assistant!

Philip Dowd:
What kind of FBI agent doesn't carry a gun?

Reid:
I'm a profiler

Philip Dowd:
Profiler, huh? They sent you to figure me out?

Reid:
We did , that's how we found you.

Hotch:
Shut up, Reid.

Hotch:
You know why they took away Boy Genius' gun?

Philip Dowd:
Why?

Hotch:
He failed his qualification. Twice a year I gotta listen to him whine about re-qualifying, so I tutored him, and he fails again.

Philip Dowd:
You think you got it rough? These people have done nothing but undermine me since I got here.

Hotch:
Put him next to the barricade. That way, when they blast their way in, both of our problems are solved. That sort of thing could ruin a cop's career.

Philip Dowd:
You are one sick dude.

Hotch:
How do you think I found you?

Hotch:
[to Dowd] Can I ask you a favour?

Philip Dowd:
You could ask.

Hotch:
I figure the chances of my getting out of here alive are pretty slim.

Philip Dowd:
So?

Hotch:
[about Reid] I wanna kick the snot out of this kid. He's made my life miserable for three lousy years.

Philip Dowd:
Knock yourself out.

Hotch:
[to Reid, as he kicks him in the stomach] I'll school you now, smart guy! It's front sight, trigger press, follow through! It's not that hard; a Dalmatian could do it! Let go. Let go!

Philip Dowd:
[about Hotch kicking Reid] Feel better?

Hotch:
I think he got the message.

Hothchner:
[about a head shot Reid accomplished] Nice shot.

Reid:
I was aiming for his leg.

Hotchner:
Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking, but I was afraid you didn't get my plan.

Reid:
I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.

Hotchner:
Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.

Reid:
Hotch, I was a twelve year-old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine year-old girl. [tries to return the gun]

Hotchner:
No, keep it. As far as I'm concerned, you passed your qualification.

Reid:
I know I should feel bad about what happened. I mean, I killed a man. You know, I should feel something.... but I don't.

Gideon:
Not knowing what you feel, that's not the same as not feeling anything.

Gideon:
This is going to hit you, and when it does, there's only three facts you need to know: You did what you had to do, and a lot of good people are alive because of what you did.

Reid:
What's the third?

Gideon:
I'm proud of you.

[Garcia calls Morgan on his cell phone]

Morgan:
Yeah, Morgan.

Garcia:
Isn't this spooky?

Morgan:
Isn't what spooky?

Garcia:
That right now you were thinking about me, and out of the blue your phone rings? And it's me. Huh? How's that for a spiritual connection?

Morgan:
Umm… Do I know you?

Garcia:
Why do you hurt me? [Morgan laughs]

Gideon:
I don't care if you carry a gun or not. Deadliest weapon we have is a thorough and accurate profile.

Reid:
Of course, you believe that.

Gideon:
Footpath Killer... he had a shotgun to the back of my head. I'm here, he's not.

Elle:
What do we call them then?

Hotchner:
L.D.S.K.

Reid:
Long Distance Serial Killers.

Elle:
How many of these guys have we caught using a profile?

Gideon:
None.

Elle:
Reid failed his qualification.

Gideon:
He can retest in two weeks.

Elle:
Yeah, but he's gonna be embarrassed, so let's not mention it.

Gideon:
Yeah, let's not.

Morgan:
Not a word. [Reid enters the room] Hey, We're all here for you. I'm serious. If you ever need anything… [places a whistle around Reid's neck and blows on it] …just blow on that.

Det. Calvin:
So what's the profile on one of these guys?

Gideon:
Arrogant, conceited, feels superior to everyone around them.

Det. Calvin:
[laughing] You've just described every surgeon I've ever met.

Garcia:
[answering the phone] Rainmaker. How wet do you want it?

Gideon Dr. Thomas Fuller wrote,"With foxes we must play the fox."

Gideon:
"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Morgan:
Sherlock Holmes was a fictional character

JJ:
[discussing Hotch's newborn baby] He's so gorgeous.

Haley:
Thank you.

Reid:
You find baldness and wrinkles attractive?

Reid:
Nobody gets therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication.

Garcia:
What are you implying, Reid?

Reid:
That everyone is medicated.

Garcia:
Did you just make a joke?

Reid:
No, I mean, statistics, they-they show it-

Garcia:
Reid, next time just say yes.

Morgan:
That's what everybody says until they find the body in the basement.

Morgan:
You move, I'm gonna break your neck.

Reid:
Are you hacking into the government's HMO database? Is that legal?

Garcia:
Of course not. We'll both go to prison and you'll be someone's bitch.

Reid:
Really?

Gideon:
Hemingway wrote, "There is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else."

Hotchner:
You were just responding to what you learned, Vincent. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive and violent household...it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers.

Vincent:
Some people?

Hotchner:
What's that?

Vincent:
You said some people grow up to become killers.

Hotchner:
...And some people grow up to catch them.

Reid:
What are these tapes?

Morgan:
I don't know. Why don't you and Garcia go take a look, let us know.

Garcia:
Yeah, movie night. I'll go make popcorn.

[Garcia enters the room with a cardboard box.]

Morgan:
Please tell me you brought some breakfast.

Garcia:
Trust me, sugar. You're not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.

Elle:
Here's something...[puts her coffee cup on Garcia's desk]...What can you tell me about Vincent Sartori?

[Garcia chucks coffee cup in the bin]

Elle:
I was still drinking that.

Garcia:
Not only is this equipment expensive, it's also extremely sensitive.

[Reid and Elle share a weird look]

[Elle is speaking about a criminal's sealed records]

Elle:
Can you get into those records?

Reid:
Despite the fact that they were probably expunged, she can find the faintest echo of deletion, successfully recreate the file, thereby sending us all to prison for computer felony fraud counts.

[Elle and Garcia share a weird look]

Elle:
We can make bail.

Gideon:
We have a word for you.

Vincent Perotta:
You got a word for me?

Gideon:
Oh yeah. Actually, we have a few. Psychopath. Paranoid personality disorder.

Vincent Perotta:
That's quite a mouthful, Jason.

Garcia:
You're breathing on my neck.

Reid:
I'm sorry. Sorry.

Elle:
You two having fun?

Garcia:
Oh, yeah. Sifting through the life and times of Freddy Condore with Dr. Reid here is a party I wouldn't want to miss.

[after revealing photos of murdered people on board]

Gideon:
I believe you're an extremely impotent man.

Vincent Perotta:
[rattling his handcuffs] Take these off, we'll see!

Hotchner:
Paranoid personalities develop in childhood.

Vincent Perotta:
You know, you just saved me thousands of dollars in therapy bills.

Gideon:
Carl Jung said, "The healthy man does not torture others. Generally, it is the tortured who turn into torturers."

Gideon:
Robert Oxton Bolt once wrote, "A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind."

Reid:
[to Dr. Bryer] The voices, they helped you right? While the other kids were outside in the playground, you were inside studying, reading, learning. The voices wouldn't stop. They helped you understand things that other people couldn't realize. Then, as you grew older, it became almost a responsibility, right? A responsibility to use that ability, to use your knowledge.

Reid:
The voices, they won't stop. They've been talking to you since you were a child.

Leo:
He's telling you I'm not real. He is lying to you.

Dr. Bryar:
You're lying to me.

Reid:
That's Leo speaking; that's not even Dr. Bryar. Why won't you let him think for himself, Leo?

Dr. Bryar:
You...can you see him?

Reid:
Yeah, he's right there.

Reid:
I know what it's like.

Dr. Bryar:
Make it stop!

Reid:
I know what the voices are like.

Reid:
Tardive dyskinesia.

Morgan:
Once more for those of us without an encyclopedic memory?

Reid:
Could you guys do me a favor?

Morgan:
Anything.

Reid:
Could at least one of you look like you're going to see me again?

Hotchner:
See you when you get back.

Morgan:
Dammit, Reid, I said don't take the vest off.

Elle:
[complaining] Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital?

Gideon:
Regulations are regulations. You're all right?

Elle:
Yeah, I'm fine, 'dad.'

Gideon:
Elle?

Elle:
Yeah?

Gideon:
Don't ever call me 'dad' again. [walks away]

Elle:
[to Reid] What do you think he'd feel about 'mom?'

Reid:
Let me know when you're going to do that so I can run.

Elle:
Um, Reid, you probably saved my life in there.

Reid:
Probably? I totally saved your life. [smiles] And I'm pretty certain that it was caught on tape.

Morgan:
And remember, play into the guy's fantasy, believe it yourself.

Reid:
Actually, did you know that dentists and surgeons have been secretly recruited to implant these during otherwise normal medical procedures? This has been happening on and off since the late 1930s. [Morgan looks at him] Told me to believe.

Morgan:
Come on, Reid, what are you talking about? A magic trick?

Reid:
Yeah, I'm talkin' about a magic trick!

Reid:
Albert Einstein asked, "The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I or the others crazy?"

Gideon:
Sir Peter Ustinov said, "Unfortunately, a super abundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares."

Morgan:
So tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night? Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook? No, no, no. Working on cold fusion? No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at the physics mistakes.

Reid:
Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors.

Morgan:
Right.

Gideon:
[after finding out the local kids found a dead body in the woods and watched it decompose over a long period of time without reporting anything] This was a human being!

[Reid is pouring piles of sugar into his coffee]

Derek Morgan:
Easy there, tough guy. Have some coffee with your sugar.

Dr. Spencer Reid:
I need something to wake me up.

Derek Morgan:
Ooh, late night?

Dr. Spencer Reid:
Very.

Derek Morgan:
My man!

Dr. Spencer Reid:
Not that kind of late night!

Reid:
What happened?

Morgan:
Him bringing us down here was way too much of a coincidence.

Reid:
No, I got that, but you had to tackle us both?

Morgan:
You're welcome, Reid.

Adam:
Looks like you're out of shape.

Cherish:
Oh yeah? Let's see you do 3 backflips in a line and the splits.

Dr. Spencer Reid:
Melted wax?

Jennifer "JJ" Jareau:
Candle wax?

Dr. Spencer Reid:
Candles are used in rituals.

Jason Gideon:
They're also used on birthday cakes.

Dr. Spencer Reid:
Actually, they were originally used to protect the birthday celebrant from demons for the coming year. As a matter of fact, down to the fourth century, Christianity rejected the birthday celebration as a pagan ritual.

Sheriff Bridges:
What kind of a doctor are you?

Gideon:
Playwright Eugene Ionesco said, "Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together."

[Gideon walks in using crutches]

Hotchner:
What happened to you?

Gideon:
Oh, I got a list of things I try before it's too late.

Elle:
And orthopedic surgery is one of them?

Gideon:
No skydiving, apparently it's all about the landing.

Gideon:
Garcia?

Hotchner:
Penelope...? The tech with the glasses...?

Gideon:
The room...the one with all the screens...? [Hotchner nods] She's great.

[Morgan walks in and startles Elle]

Elle:
Dude!

Morgan:
"Dude"? You're way too tense.

Hotchner:
How is it having Gideon around?

Garcia:
You can have him back whenever you would like.

Hotchner:
Sometimes what we don't do is every bit as powerful as what we do.

Gideon:
Harriet Beecher Stowe once said, "The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."

Gideon:
The poet W. H. Auden wrote, "Evil is always unspectacular, and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our table."

Journalist:
Come on, JJ. Gimme something. For old times' sake.

JJ:
[sighs] Okay... [looks around, steps closer, whispers] You may wanna rethink that tie.

Garcia:
Penelope's house of "how may I save your ass today?"

Elle:
[About Billie's parents getting back together and her dad having terminal cancer] Bille's not used to him [her dad] being there... So maybe it would be better if they stayed apart.

Gideon:
No, it wouldn't.

Elle:
How do you know?

Gideon:
I know... I just.. know.

Gideon:
Hey Hotch, did you send flowers to that tech room girl Garcia and say they were from me?

Hotchner:
Yeah.

Gideon:
Why?

Hotchner:
Jason, people need to know that they're important and sometimes you forget that.

Gideon:
I already sent her a gift, an MP3 player. It lasts longer, unless you drop it or the batteries die, whichever comes first.

Hotchner:
So she got two gifts?

Gideon:
What if she thinks I'm sweet on her!

Gideon:
"Measure not the work until the day's out and the labor done." -Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Gideon:
Roman philosopher Lucretius wrote, "What is food to one, is to others bitter poison."

Gideon:
Confucius warned us, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

Gideon:
Mr. Fisher?

Eric Fisher:
Shrink or cop?

Gideon:
Well, I'm an FBI profiler, so I guess I'm a little of each.

Gideon:
"Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed." Genesis 9:6

Gideon:
Albert Pine said, "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal."

Hotchner:
How many others are there?

Jacob Dawes:
I only have a few hours left and, though I like you - and I do like you - I'd like to be alone now. [puts out his hand] Good meeting you, Hotch.

'Hotchner:
[ignoring his hand] I'm not done yet.

Jacob Dawes:
Oh, me neither.

Hotchner:
Are there more bodies?

Jacob Dawes:
If I told you that, what would I have left for myself?

Hotchner:
You could help these families get closure before you die.

Jacob Dawes:
Oh. Pass.

Gideon:
I think you're innocent.

Sarah Jean Dawes:
We're all guilty of something.

Warden:
Any last words?

Jacob Dawes:
Bring it on.

Sarah Jean Dawes:
I used to tell Riley that no matter where we were, the Man in the Moon would be looking down on both of us.

[Jacob Dawes playing poker with Hotchner]

Jacob Dawes:
Dead man's hand. I should have had that. But then, of course, I would have lost.

[Garcia doesn't want to meet the Dawes]

Garcia:
They slaughtered 13 young girls with blonde hair, (points to self) HELLO!

Sarah Jean Dawes:
You have a lovely smile. But you don't smile much.

Gideon:
Neither do you.

Sarah Jean Dawes:
What's your excuse?

Jacob:
Well, who are you?

JJ:
My friends call me JJ.

Jacob:
Well, hel...(starts to stand up)

Hotch:
(firmly) Sit down!

Jacob:
Hello, JJ.

JJ:
You're not my friend. You can call me Jennifer.

Hotchner:
You're a diagnosed psychopath.

Jacob Dawes:
Sexual psychopath.

Gideon:
Norman Maclean wrote, "It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us."

Reid:
What do you think of Ryan?

Hotchner:
He hasn't changed much.

Reid:
I think we can learn a lot from him.

Hotchner:
What could you possibly learn that you don't already know?

Reid:
Hotch, repetitive thinking is a death knell for the brain. For complete brain usage, diverse stimulation is the key.

Ryan:
[reading second note] In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.

Gideon:
He's quoting Sir Francis Bacon now.

Ryan:
I used this specific quote in my--

Reid:
In your book on page 184. I read it on the plane.

Ryan:
And you remember the page number and the quote?

Morgan:
Don't ask.

Ryan:
Miss me?

Gideon:
No.

Ryan:
Just here to buy a book then, huh?

Gideon:
What can I say? Profilers, they fascinate me.

Gideon:
Hmm...You look comfortable up there. Why don't you come back to the BAU for a guest lecture?

Ryan:
I'm retired, remember?

Gideon:
Hell of a way to relax. 323 pages on the one that got away.

Ryan:
He hasn't gotten away - and you didn't count that eight page prologue.

Morgan:
[about Max Ryan] I heard he was forced into early retirement.

Hotchner:
No, he chose to retire.

Reid:
He's written a new book about the Keystone Killer case.

Hotchner:
He moved to Philadelphia to be closer to the crime scene.

Elle:
That's retirement?

Morgan:
BAU-style.

Morgan:
So they've been here all night?

Hotch:
Apparently.

Elle:
Where else would any of us be on a Saturday night? It's not like we have lives or anything.

Morgan:
Speak for yourself.

Max Ryan:
Is there anything worse than cop-shop coffee?

Gideon:
Day-old cop-shop doughnuts?

Morgan:
[about the Keystone Killer] What? He got away?

Max Ryan:
Would we have woken you up if we caught him?

Harbin:
Hey! Ryan! You got old.

Ryan:
Haven't we all?

Morgan:
Isn't that too young for a massive stroke?

Reid:
Technically, you're never too young for a stroke. Eighty percent of strokes are ischemic. The other 20% are hemorrhagic, which usually result in death. Ischemic strokes occur when plaque builds up in the arteries, causing restricted vessels to be blocked by a blood clot.

Morgan:
Okay, but doesn't it take years for that type of plaque to build up?

Reid:
Uh, typically.

Morgan:
Well, then like I said, he was too young.

Elle:
Abraham Lincoln once said, "In the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

Hotchner:
Nietzsche wrote, "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe."

Blackwolf:
[to Gideon] You look like a college professor. [to Reid] You look like his student. [to Hotchner] You look like FBI.

Blackwolf:
We don't do massacres. You do.

Hotchner:
Me personally?

Blackwolf:
Your government.

Officer:
Are you trying to tell us that Indians wouldn't be so brutal?

Blackwolf:
No, I'm saying that Indians wouldn't be so confused.

JJ:
That's Hotch's brother? I don't see it.

Hotchner:
Sean, listen to me. All I'm saying is that you're 25 years old.

Sean:
You know what? Don't profile me, Aaron! [storms away]

JJ:
[looking at his butt] Now I see it.

Elle:
Brother…as in that's Hotch's brother?

Garcia:
Maybe Hotch is adopted?

Gideon:
Are the Ga'he good spirits or bad spirits?

Blackwolf:
They're both. Like men.

Blackwolf:
Samuel, tell the men from the FBI who the Ga'he are.

Reid:
The Ga'he are mighty spirits who dwell in desert caves.

Hotchner:
Reid. Is your name Samuel?

Reid:
Sorry.

Reid:
She's answering every question with just her name and Social Security Number.

Hotchner:
Like a prisoner of war.

Gideon:
What do you see?

Blackwolf:
There's a saying: "Once too much blood has been spilled on the same ground, the ground develops a thirst for it."

[Blackwolf examining the dirt of a crime scene]

Reid:
I notice you don't carry a gun.

Blackwolf:
Twenty-one feet.

Reid:
What?

Blackwolf:
Ask Agent Hotchner there. He's the real gun-hand.

Hotchner:
Why do you say that?

Blackwolf:
You carry two guns.

Hotchner:
[To Reid] The maximum distance an attacker with a knife can close in the time it takes to react, draw your sidearm, and fire is twenty-one feet.

Blackwolf:
Inside twenty-one feet I win. Outside twenty-one feet, I have other options besides shooting a man.

Reid:
Like negotiating.

Blackwolf:
Like running.

Hotchner:
Why do you say I carry two guns?

Blackwolf:
Your right instep print's heavier than your left, and since you don't appear to have a clubbed right foot...

Hotchner:
You can't tell that from my footprints. There's no perceptible difference between them.

Blackwolf:
Your problem isn't with your prints. It's with your perception.

[Hotch draws his gun]

Blackwolf:
Put that away.

Hotchner:
What?

Blackwolf:
You don't need it. Use your baton.

[Hotch exhales]

Blackwolf:
There are many paths to the same place. Trust me.

Hotchner:
Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie.

[Hotch whips out his baton]

Gideon:
Children?

Hotchner:
They're fine. We got them out before they got here. We took down these four.

Reid:
Without firing a shot?

Blackwolf:
Captain America here shot number five.

Hotchner:
You're welcome.

[Hotch and Blackwolf pause to trade looks]

Hotchner:
Number six is cut up pretty bad. I don't think he's gonna make it.

Blackwolf:
At least I didn't shoot him.

Morgan:
Think I'd rather be shot.

Hotchner:
There's an old Apache saying: 'You can take many paths to get to the same place.'

[Blackwolf smirks as Hotch walks off]

Gideon:
W. H. Auden said, "Murder is unique in that it abolishes the party it injures, so that society must take the place of the victim and on his behalf demand atonement or grant forgiveness."

Morgan:
Do you have any idea how many cases run through there every year?

Garcia:
122,998.

Hotchner:
[after Morgan returns to PD] Do you have any idea how many cases...

Morgan:
122,998 cases a year.

Hotchner:
You're a genius.

Garcia:
You're just saying that 'cause it's true.

Gideon:
[discussing the unsub and how he is perceived by the public] He's a hero.

Reid:
The exact same thing happened with the Goetz New York subway shootings in the early eighties.

Gideon:
You weren't even born.

Reid:
I read a lot.

Reid:
I'm looking forward to seeing New York.

Morgan:
You've never been to New York?

Reid:
We've never had an unsub there.

Hotchner:
[to Gideon] I thought you were going to talk to Reid about taking some vacation time.

Gideon:
What's vacation time?

Morgan:
Reid, it's a one hour flight...

JJ:
Well, if we have some time, we'll show you around.

Morgan:
It's a three-hour train ride, man!

Elle:
You guys, we're here in New York, and even when we aren't talking about our case, we end up talking about another profiler.

Hotchner:
You're right. So, Elle, you seeing anyone?

Reid:
[to the waitress, after having difficulty with his chopsticks] Excuse me, could I get a fork perhaps? [group laughs] Did you know that experts credit Confucius with the advent of the chopstick? He equated knives with acts of aggression.

Morgan:
You don't know how to use them, do ya?

Reid:
It's like trying to forage for dinner with a pair of number two pencils. It's absolutely incredible. 1.3 billion people stay nourished because of these things.

JJ:
Come here! (takes his chopsticks off of him and ties them with a hairband)

Hotch:
The old "hairband trick"?

JJ:
The old "hairband trick"!

Officer:
So are we looking for an ex-con or some nut job with an Amazon account?

Female Officer:
[after hearing the unsub's profile] So we're looking for a small, angry, white guy with a day job?

Hotchner:
Ok, here's what we know. Blitz attackers are almost always male.

Morgan:
Well, he got picked up in the pouring rain by a New York cabbie, so we definitely know he's not a brother.

Garcia:
[answering the phone] Fount of all knowledge, check my flow!

Reid:
An unsub's signature is his own extremely rare combination of MO and ritual. An unsub kills to satisfy an inner need, and he'll continue killing until that inner need, which is based on a ritual, is lived out perfectly. Because reality never lives up to fantasy, this becomes an impossibility.

Gideon:
Gandhi said, "Better to be violent if there's violence in our hearts than to put on the cloak of non-violence to cover impotence."

Hotchner:
Gandhi also said, "I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary. The evil it does is permanent."

Gideon:
Diane Arbus once said, "A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know."

Reid:
Gideon, there are actually people taking photos of us from the next yard.

Detective Owen Kim:
Welcome to LA.

Lila Archer:
I wish, um, things had been...more normal when we had met.

Reid:
Lila, believe me when I say this, I've never known a normal day in my entire life.

Reid:
[Elle looks at a very wet Reid as he tries to dry off his gun] I... I fell in.

Elle:
Yeah, sure. There's plenty of photos of that.

JJ:
The media is calling Natalie Ryan's murder the biggest celebrity homicide since Sharon Tate.

Elle:
What does that mean for us?

Hotchner:
That everybody will be watching.

[Reid is trying unsuccessfully to convince Lila to come out of her swimming pool]

Lila:
Really, Spencer, you should live a little.

Reid:
Live a little? I've known you for 48 hours and I feel like I've aged 10 years!

Lila Archer:
You don´t like me.

Reid:
What?

Lila Archer:
You don't like me.

Reid:
No! I do...

Lila Archer:
I like you.

Reid:
I like you, too. It's just I'm a... I'm a federal agent, you know? I'm supposed to protect you.

Lila Archer:
Then keep me close.

Reid:
Hey, Morgan? Has there ever been a girl that you wanted to be with for, you know, more than just one night?

Morgan:
Excuse me?

Reid:
I've never seen you with the same girl twice.

Morgan:
What, are you calling me a dog?

Reid:
No, no, not at all. I'm just trying to figure out if this feeling I have is ever gonna go away.

Garcia:
[answering phone] Oracle of Quantico. Speak if you deign to hear truth.

Lila Archer:
[Lila takes a sip of Reid's soda] You don't mind sharing with me, do you?

Reid:
No.

[Lila takes off her robe. She is wearing a bikini underneath. Reid stares at her as she walks away]

Morgan:
[mimicking Lila after she shares Reid's drink] You don't mind sharing with me, do ya?

Reid:
Shut up. [turns and walks away]

Morgan:
Go get 'em, lover.

[At an art exhibit, the artist Pinky accompanied by Gideon]

Pinky:
One of my earliest works, totally boring.

Gideon:
Oh, I don't think so. I mean, nothing's just a picture. If viewed correctly--whatever that means--one can see world views, obsessions, manifestations of the subconscious.

Pinky:
If I weren't a lesbian, I'd jump your bones. [Gideon has a blank stare] I've always had this thing for middle-aged men, and you have these piercing, discerning eyes which remind me of my father, who was a shrink, and I'm like, 'I am so hot.' [Pinky is called away by someone] Don't go away. [Pinky walks off]

Lila:
[looking at a painting with Reid] This will make you feel anything.

Reid:
Like what?

Lila:
I can't tell you how to feel.

Reid:
Right now I feel pretty good.

Gideon:
[walks past Reid] We're leaving.

Reid:
We're still looking at the exhibit.

Gideon:
Now. [Reid turns to Lila and back to Gideon] Now. Now.

Reid:
I guess we're leaving.

Gideon:
Reid, now.

Parker Dunley:
Spencer. Spencer Reid. Dude, dude. Look at you. You look just the same. Look at you dude, nothing's changed. [to Gideon] Spencer was the only twelve-year-old in our graduating class. [to Reid again] Just the same.

Reid:
Do I look twelve years old to you?

Gideon:
Fourteen?

Reid:
You should also probably change all your phone numbers.

Lila:
I'm unlisted.

Reid:
Anytime you call an 800 number or an 888 number, your phone number's put into a databank that's then sold to telemarketers. If someone gets your cell phone number, they can go online and research all your records.

Lila:
Hanging out with you can be really depressing.

Gideon:
Bernard Shaw once said, "An American has no sense of privacy. He does not know what it means. There is no such thing in the country."

Hotchner:
Anthony Brandt wrote, "Other things may change us, but we start and end with family."

Jessica:
You're holding him like a cantaloupe.

Hotchner:
Why? You think you can do better? Here you go, smartypants.

[Baby quiets down in her arms]

Hotchner:
Fine. Let's see you profile a disorganized psychopath.

Haley:
Go, it's all right. I'm not mad. [walks away]

Hotchner:
You heard her. She said it was all right.

Jessica:
You're one hell of a profiler.

Morgan:
Nothing like jet sleep, right?

Elle:
Yeah, kind of like a night of drinking without the drinking.

[Garcia rattles off some bad Spanish]

Morgan:
Easy there, Garcia. I think you just offended somebody's mother.

Garcia:
Shut up you. I took French. What can I say?

Morgan:
Penelope, your last name is Garcia.

Garcia:
Yeah, I know. It's my stepfather's name. Do you want my genius or not?

Elle:
[upon seeing the skeleton] Hotch!

Hotchner:
A little late.

Hotchner:
Serial killers make lousy tourist attractions.

JJ:
At least you get to spend your birthday weekend in Mexico.

Hotchner:
Yeah, what's 'doghouse' in Spanish?

Reid:
La ca-sa del pair-o

Elle:
La casita del perro.

Reid:
That's what I said

Elle:
Face it, chico, you are only a genius in English

Gideon:
In my experience, evil is not a cultural phenomenon - it's a human one.

Hotchner:
Mexican proverb: "The house does not rest upon the ground, but upon a woman."

Gideon:
The French philosopher Voltaire wrote, "There are some that only employ words for the purpose of disguising their thoughts."

Morgan:
Why are you acting so weird?

Elle:
We're sitting with a guy who knows that there are 800 kernels of corn on the average cob...

Reid:
...Arranged in 16 separate rows.

Elle:
And you're calling me weird?

Gideon:
[after finding Gregory's fake IDs] Look at all these driver's licenses, he could start his own DMV.

[Elle's phone rings]

Morgan:
Aww, that must be the boyfriend.

Elle:
Yes, it is. [answers phone] Hey, Gideon.

Elle:
You really don't know someone till you take a road trip with them.

Morgan:
What are you trying to say?

Elle:
Look at this car, man. There's empty soda cans and fast food wrappers everywhere. You're a slob. You know, back at Quantico your desk was all neat, but I bet if you looked in those drawers, you'd find a mess.

Morgan:
Okay, we have been on the road way too long.

Doug Gregory:
Are you telling me that young boys aren't curious?

Gideon:
Sure, they're curious, but not all peek into windows.

Reid:
How old was he when this happened?

Doug Gregory:
Ten.

Reid:
Were they close?

Doug Gregory:
She was his mother!

Hotchner [on the phone]:
Hotchner.

Garcia:
Who's the answer to all your dreams?

Hotchner:
I'm gonna put you on speaker.

Garcia:
Oh, you completely suck!

Garcia:
Aaron, do you have any idea how many people drown every day?

Hotchner:
Well, yeah. They're more in the summer for obvious reasons, but I think it averages to about 6500 a year, which is... 17 a day?

Garcia:
Is this Reid?

Hotchner:
Why, are you impressed?

Garcia:
I am, slick, I am! You've been doing your research, haven't you?

Gideon:
The author François de la Rochefoucauld wrote, "We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."

Gideon:
Albert Einstein said, "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as judge in the field of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."

Gideon:
Only beach you'll see is on a postcard I send you from my vacation.

Gideon:
Do you want my help?

Bruno:
Yeah.

Gideon:
Then I need my team.

JJ:
What do you suppose this is about?

Reid:
Call me cynical, but considering it's 2 a.m., I doubt it's good news.

JJ:
You are a genius.

Elle:
[to Gideon] You said you would send a postcard from a beach. You lied.

Reid:
Yeah. You hate the beach.

Gideon:
One thing I've learned over the years profiling CIA agents, spies are some of the smartest liars in the world. Be smarter.

Garcia:
Hey, you do know what this means? We can find out if Princess Diana's death was really an accident!

JJ:
I think that's exactly the kind of thing that got you on that list.

Reid:
[after learning the CIA staged the victim's suicide] Boy, I'm glad not to have that job.

Garcia:
You work for the CIA?

Gideon:
Not officially.

Gideon:
George Orwell said, "In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."

Gideon:
Writer Elbert Hubbard said, "No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one."

Morgan:
[about Reid] He look okay to you?

Elle:
He looks about the way I would if I was gonna spend two weeks with my family.

JJ:
[about the incredible Sir Kneighf] Please don't tell me you have a crush on a fictional character.

Garcia:
He's not fictional. He's the online alter-ego of a real person.

JJ:
Hmmm, you don't even know anything about him, even if it is…him.

Garcia:
Look, we meet online at specified times that he is never late to. We spend hours adventuring and chatting, during which time I have his undivided attention, and he lavishes me with flattery. When was the last time you had a date go that well?

JJ:
See if he's got a fictional brother. Uncle, grandfather...

Morgan:
Well, you all right there, Greenaway?

Elle:
Go away.

Morgan:
See you tomorrow?

Elle:
Afternoon.

Guy:
Afternoon?

Elle:
Don't speak.

Elle:
[after Reid explains the medieval significance of the word "none"] Reid, do not ever go away again!

Jamaican Cop:
Where is the victim's head!?

Elle:
Well, I must have dropped it on my way in here.

Killer:
[on videotape] You will understand why it must be this way. You may even thank me.

Elle:
Don't hold your breath, scumbag.

Joseph Conrad once said, "The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness."