The Office, Season 9

Andy:
Why is Nellie still here?

Toby:
You can only fire Nellie for cause.

Andy:
Then I will make up a cause.

Toby:
Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now, if she sues, I have to testify against you.

Andy:
Then forget I just told you that.

Toby:
I can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. Sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?

Andy:
Now I know why Michael hated you so much.

Toby:
No, he didn't.

Creed:
In the parking lot today, there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.

Darryl:
Seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.

Jim:
Laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so...

Kevin:
At 5:00? That's only 20 minutes from now. [looking at map] The pie shop is 13 miles away. So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare.

Angela:
So, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head?

Oscar:
Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?

Kevin:
314 pies.

Oscar:
What if it were salads?

Kevin:
Well, it's the... carry the 4... it doesn't work.

Erin:
The more I here about all this a capella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.

Meredith:
Who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pinkeye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And yeah, I BMed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.

Dwight:
[locked inside Andy's office] Attention, people of the office. You have exactly sixty seconds to evacuate the bullpen. At that time, [pulls pin from grenade] I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide as well as...

[Drops grenade, which goes off, filling office with gas]

Erin:
Dwight, are you okay?!

Dwight:
Whoa. That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple...

[Dwight faints]

Erin:
Wow. He got to purple.

Dwight:
I can't believe you came.

Michael:
That's what she said.

[The series' last lines]

Jim:
I sold paper at this company for twelve years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn't love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid...wonderful...boring...amazing job.

Pam:
I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all, I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?