Golan the Insatiable

[first lines]

Richard:
[muted V.O] Hey, Alexis. You got my telescope in there?

[Richard enters Alexis's room while she's brushing her hair in her bra and panties]

Alexis Beekler:
[covering her bra with her arms] Aah!

Richard:
[averting eyes] Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry! Not looking. Not looking.

Alexis Beekler:
[covering up] What the hell, Dad! What, are you *trying* to see me naked or somethin'?

Richard:
[at window] No no. I'm *trying* to find my telescope.

Golan:
[outside in the treehouse] Get out of the way! She was about to take off her bra!

Alexis Beekler:
Aaah!

Richard:
Oh, there's my telescope.

Alexis Beekler:
Is everyone in this house a total perv?

[Alexis shoves Richard away and pulls her curtains shut]

Golan:
[muted V.O] Thanks a lot, Richard!

[in treehouse, Richard appears through the door in its floor]

Richard:
Golan, I told you *not* to take my telescope!

Dylan Beekler:
Golan takes what Golan wants! He's the Godlord ruler of ev-'ry-thing!

Richard:
[calmly] Uh, Dylan, how would you like it if I took your war club without asking first?

Dylan Beekler:
[grabs and brandishes war club] I'd like to see you try, old man.

Golan:
Now, Dylan, it's cool. I got this. Richard! I humbly request the usage of your spyglass, uh, around the time that Alexis shall be bathing after dance lessons.

Richard:
Eww! And-and no! It's *my* telescope! And I need it for tomorrow night's meteor shower or, as I like to call it, God's laser light show.

Golan:
Meteor shower? The time has come! I'm goin' home!

[Golan laughs and throws the telescope against the wall, smashing it]

Richard:
[shouting] *Why* would you *do* that?

Carole Beekler:
[reading aloud to her creative writing club] "Goren the Incorrigable rips down her blouse. Her breasts, exposed and vulnerable, he laps up the warm sweat from her belly with his *rough* tongue, gliding down lower, lower, lower, where her husband is too boring to venture."

Golan:
[referencing his tome] Triumph! I was correct. If I erect this portal-gate, I can harness the power of the meteor shower to open an interdimensional doorway. And then I will sneak back into my home world and reclaim my throne!

Dylan Beekler:
[gasps, jumps up] Yes! Finally! We're going to Gkruool!

Golan:
"We"?

Golan:
[laughs] You're not invited. One of the best parts about going home is gonna be getting away from *you*.

Dylan Beekler:
What? You have to take me! I don't belong here.

Golan:
Tough titties, Dylan.

Dylan Beekler:
You need me!

Golan:
[scoffs] What I *need* is for you to stop clawing at yourself like that. Frankly, it's very off-putting.

Dylan Beekler:
Ah, God. It's like I got mosquito bites everywhere. Look.

[Dylan pulls up her shirt, revealing red bumps all over her belly and back]

Golan:
[screams] Leper! Gross! I mean, uh, I've got just the thing over here that'll clear that up.

Golan:
[reaches behind him for Dylan's war club] Now, you might feel a slight *bash of your skull in*!

[Dylan screams as Golan roars]

The Mayor:
Uh, you know, Carole, a lot of the neighborhood children haven't had the chicken pox yet. Little Dylan here should host a Chicken Pox Party!

Dylan Beekler:
Screw you! I don't want a party. I hate ev'ryone. *Everyone*!

The Mayor:
Even me? But I'm the mayor.

Dylan Beekler:
Wait, you *want* me to infect the other kids?

Carole Beekler:
You betcha.

Dylan Beekler:
[eager] I changed my mind, woman. Invite everyone on this list.

Carole Beekler:
"Mackenzie B."? I thought you didn't get along with her.

Dylan Beekler:
It's my Kill List. I want to see all those bastards squirm and beg for mercy as I infect them with my plague! Muahahahahahaa-I feel terrible.

Dylan Beekler:
Mackenzie B., dig your own grave!

Mackenzie B:
But the floor is cement.

Golan:
What, are you deaf? She said, "Dig"!

Golan:
[screams] Damn you, Dylan! Look what you've done! You've given me your human pestilence!

Dylan Beekler:
What? Demigods can't get the chicken pox.

Golan:
Oh, well, I guess I must be fine then, "Dr. Dylan." I guess I'll just get up and go about my...

[Golan expels green vomit with yellow bits onto the floor]

Dylan Beekler:
Awesome!

Golan:
Not awesome. I can't build a portal in this condition. Ah, now I'm stuck in this fetid anus of a dimension all because of you, Dylan!

Dylan Beekler:
Ooh, wait, what if I build the portal myself? And then you' *have* to take me with you to Gkruool. Deal?

Golan:
Fine. Whatever. You're just gonna do what you're gonna do anyway.

Dylan Beekler:
Verbal contract! I wrote it down in my head!

[Dylan rips the page about the portal out of the book]

Golan:
Oh, yes, please! Rip whatever you want out of my irreplaceable tome! Only took me a thousand lifetimes to assemble that knowledge!

Golan:
Woah! Look, Dylan!

Golan:
[twists Dylan's head with a crack toward the draped jungle gym] Somebody built a portal. It's glorious!

Dylan Beekler:
Yeah, me. *I* built it.

Golan:
Yeah, no wonder it looks like crap then.

Dylan Beekler:
Mother, Father, despite everything I've written in my Hate Journal, I love you and I'll miss you. And, sister, I'm sorry that I've been slowly poisoning you.

Alexis Beekler:
What'd I tell you, Mom!

Richard:
Dylan, you seem delirious. While I'm enjoying this miracle, maybe Mom should take you home.

Dylan Beekler:
This was never my home, Father. Farewell, mortals!

Dylan Beekler:
Uh, Golan? Is this Gkruool?

Golan:
Oh, yeah. The entire world of Gkruool is the inside of a jungle gym *blanket fort*!

Dylan Beekler:
I followed all the directions. Why didn't it work?

Golan:
Oh, I think I see the problem right here: you're an idiot. Classic Dylan.

Dylan Beekler:
[sad] Yeah, you've been right all along. I am useless.

Golan:
That's what I was just saying.

[Dylan starts crying]

Golan:
Wait. Are you gonna cry? Whoa-ho, that's good. Very original for your gender.

[Dylan is still crying]

Golan:
[groans] Listen, it's not the *most* terrible thing to be stuck in Oak Grove.

Dylan Beekler:
Really?

Golan:
Yeah. There are still so many things I want to do on your planet... like your sister!

[they laugh]

Golan:
And your mom, and probably Mrs. Budnick. And the couch. All right, let's get out of here. Your fort sucks.

Dylan Beekler:
Golan, wait. I can't face my family again. I told them I loved them.

Golan:
Oh, I know. This is gonna be great. Let the humiliation begin!

[Golan kicks Dylan out of the fort]

Richard:
Well, that was a quick trip, Munchkin.

Carole Beekler:
And you left so quickly, we never got a chance to tell you that we love you too.

Dylan Beekler:
[being hugged] Yuck.

Golan:
[mocking] Oh, Beekler family hug, because Dylan loooves you so much!

[last lines]

Golan:
Hey, Beeklers, get a room!

[Golan laughs]

Golan:
[notices bag of placentas] What the-?

Golan:
[picks it up] Huh? Oh, maybe this goes right here.

[Golan hangs the bag on the pole holding open the entrance to the portal. Lines of energy start appearing over the seams of the portal as two boys run past]

Boy:
[to other boy] You're it.

Golan:
Ah! Hey, watch it.

[the boys run into the glowing portal, which disappears in a flash of light leaving only the bag of placentas and the kids' scream in the air]

Golan:
Woah! No way! Dylan, Dylan!

Dylan Beekler:
What!

Golan:
Ah, nothing. You suck.

[Golan laughs]

[first lines]

[Dylan is trimming Golan's toenails with bolt cutters, with difficulty]

Golan:
[groans] Squeeze harder. Put some muscle into it.

[Dylan opens the cutters wide and snaps them shut. The nail is suddenly cut and goes flying through the wall into Alexis's bedroom, narrowly misisng her and embedding into the wall behind her bed]

Alexis Beekler:
Ahh! You jerks ruined my sexy selfie!

Dylan Beekler:
[yawns] Good night, Golan.

Golan:
Don't forget to say your prayers.

Dylan Beekler:
[eagerly] As you wish, Master!

Dylan Beekler:
[kneels next to the bed] Oh, Mighty Golan, feared be Thy name. May Your Reign of Terror rain down upon the innocent and stupid. Also, may You eviscerate all believers, non-believers, and the undecided, especially Mackenzie B.

Golan:
And?

Dylan Beekler:
Oh, and impregnate their livestock. Amen.

Golan:
Amen. Now turn on the white noise machine.

[Dylan does so. Shrieks and screams emit from the device]

Golan:
Ahh, so soothing.

[Dylan tucks Golan into the bed, then curls up into the pet bed on the floor at its foot]

Dylan Beekler:
[waking up in the car] Wha- what's going on?

Dylan Beekler:
[wide awake] What? Where are you people takin' me!

Richard:
Honey, do you remember great uncle Gerald?

Dylan Beekler:
No, but he sounds like a child molester.

[Richard rolls his eyes]

Carole Beekler:
Dylan! That was uncle Leonard

Carole Beekler:
[chuckles] and it was all in Thailand, so it's legal.

Richard:
The point is, uncle Gerald loved you very much, but he's no longer with us.

Dylan Beekler:
Where the hell is he?

Alexis Beekler:
Use your context clues, stupid! He's dead!

Richard:
Your sister's right. Uncle Gerald's in Heaven now. We're on the way to the funeral.

Dylan Beekler:
Awesome! My first funeral? Yes! I'm finally gonna see a dead body!

[Dylan checks the giant throne tied to the top of the car for Golan, but is aghast to discover he's not there!]

Dylan Beekler:
Oh no, Golan fell off his throne *again*!

Carole Beekler:
Dylan, I know you're upset, but this is an opportunity for some quality family time. Plus, there's some pretty neato roadside attractions along the way, like The World's Largest Box of Wine.

Richard:
Fun fact: I heard that the boxed stuff is just as good as the bottled stuff these days.

Alexis Beekler:
Wha? Ah! I wanna go there! Stop the car, pull over!

Golan:
[answers the phone] Alexis, thank god! Of only one of the Beeklers survived I hoped it would be you. And if not you, then I guess Carole, then Richard... then the couch.

Dylan Beekler:
Golan, it's me, Dylan, your underslave.

Golan:
[flatly] Oh, Dylan, hey. You're alive. Yay. How do you make bacon?

Golan:
Oh no, I've been "Home-Alone"-ed! Well, I'm not going to do the thing from the movie, Dylan. Not a chance. Okay, you've convinced me.

Golan:
[hands against cheeks] Arghh!

Golan:
There, I did it. I hope you're happy.

Richard:
You know, I- I read that boxed wine is just as good as the bottled stuff these days.

Carole Beekler:
Is that true?

Greg:
I dunno.

Greg:
[to Alexis] I just fish out the dead rats.

Greg:
[giving Alexis a cup and filling it] Shh.

Alexis Beekler:
[giggles, slurring] Greg, you're such a bad boy.

Golan:
Why do you have a picture of Alexis on your phone? Did *you* kidnap her?

The Mayor:
No, I follow all the teenage girls in town on Instagram, see?

Golan:
Wait, there's something in the background here. Enlarge! Enhance! Magnify!

The Mayor:
Oh, yeah sure. Just let me- I'll zoom in there. Oh shoot, I hearted it.

Alexis Beekler:
Dad! The Mayor's liking my selfies again!

Dylan Beekler:
[throws open the Leech Lake Funeral Home doors] Dead body time! Yeah, where's the body? I wanna see the body!

Gerald's Widow:
[rolls up] This must be little Dylan.

Gerald's Widow:
[pinches cheek] Oh, isn't she adorable.

Dylan Beekler:
[slaps hand away] Roll aside, hag! I've got a date with uncle Gerald's carcass.

Dylan Beekler:
[inside, to funeral director] Uh, excuse me? Where's the body?

Priest Funeral Director:
[Scandinavian accent] These are your uncle Yerald's remains. He was cremated.

Dylan Beekler:
What, they burned the body?

Priest Funeral Director:
Jah.

Dylan Beekler:
What did I even come here for?

Priest Funeral Director:
It is true. Funerals are a lot more fun when there is a body. But this is what Gerald wanted: a boring funeral.

Priest Funeral Director:
[eulogizing in Scandinavian accent] Uncle Yerald was beloved by many, including his boring wife, his boring daughter...

[Alexis receives a text from Greg:
"I'm on my way!"]

Alexis Beekler:
[whispering] Dylan, if you happen to see me making out with the boxed-wine guy later, don't tell Keith.

Dylan Beekler:
I don't care what you do. God, Alexis, you're nothing to me.

Priest Funeral Director:
Tomorrow morning, in accordance with Yerald's boring wishes, we shall spread his boring ashes all over his favorite boring bass fishing lake. And all are invited to come.

Golan:
Okay, Richard, before you debase yourself with a heartfelt apology for forgetting me, this is Paul. He drove me up here so you owe him $370.

Richard:
Golan, no, uh, we didn't forget you. We left you behind on purpose.

Golan:
[stammers laughing] Why would you do that?

Richard:
Because this is a family event and you... are not... family.

Golan:
Whoa, wait a minute. You don't think of *me* as family?

Richard:
No, I don't. Family's supposed to be there for each other, to help each other. Can- can you name one thing you've ever done for me?

Golan:
Uh, your wife. Ha ha ha ha.

Golan:
[puts arm around Richard] No, I get your point, Richard. It just hurts is all.

Richard:
Now if you don't mind, I'd really like to get back in there with my *family* and try to say goodbye to my uncle Gerald.

[Dylan sits by a window. A small rock hits the window. And another. And then a squirrel]

Golan:
[faintly, outside] Dylan! It's me! Golan! The Insatiable!

[Dawn outside the No-Tell Motel, Dylan meets with Golan]

Golan:
You got the stuff?

Dylan Beekler:
I swapped the ashes with the coffee in this can.

Dylan Beekler:
[seeing the young deer on a leash] Is that the vessel?

Golan:
This fuzzy little guy? No, this is world-famous Chef Kawazaki. He's trying to get me to invest in a chain of sushi-pizza restaraunts. Sounds like a terrible business model to me, but I what do I know? I didn't go to chef-business school like Chef Kawazaki.

Golan:
[pissed] Of course it's the vessel, you idiot! Now feed it uncle Gerald's ashes!

[Dylan takes the lid off the coffee can and offers it to the deer, which eats]

Dylan Beekler:
Aren't you gonna to say one of your spells or somethin'?

Golan:
Eh, this is more of a magic-bellow situation.

[wind kicks up around them as Golan's eyes turn red and he roars deeply]

[Richard is scat-singing in the shower when he hears someone enter the room]

Richard:
Carole, is that you? Have you tried this conditioner? It's citrus.

[Richard pulls aside the curtain revealing the deer staring at him in the face]

Richard:
What the-?

[behind it in the doorway are Golan and Dylan]

Golan:
Hi, Richard. This deer is great uncle Gerald. Now you can say your goodbyes. So, you're welcome.

Richard:
[exclaiming] Are you insane?

Golan:
No, I'm family.

[Golan pulls the door closed, hard. The deer, spooked, rears up... ]

Richard:
No!

[... bleats and attacks Richard, stomping on him with its forehooves]

Richard:
N-n-no! Get off me!

Golan:
[as Richard continues to scream] Aw, would you listen to that? Dylan, I think we did a good thing here today - giving Richard a chance to say goodbye. I wish I'd said goodbye to my father before I killed him, and ate all four of his hearts. We're good people.

[last lines]

[the priest funeral director empties Gerald's urn into the lake]

Golan:
[loudly sing-song] Bor-rrring!

[Golan laughs, sitting at the back of the boat, his massive form causing the bow to rise high into the air]

Carole Beekler:
[softly] Richard, I think it was very magnanimous of you to invite Golan into the boat.

Richard:
[sotto voce] Honestly, do I even have a choice?

Dylan Beekler:
Nope, he's family now. Right, Golan?

Golan:
Whatever. I'm over it already.

Golan:
[drunkenly] I drank the world's largest box of crappy wine!

[first lines]

[Oak Grove Elementary]

Mrs. Budnick:
Dylan Beekler, you're up.

Dylan Beekler:
[clears throat] Ahem! Hello, underlings! For Show-and-Tell, behold my master, your rightful sovereign, Golan the Insatiable!

Golan:
[crashing through the door] Yah!

[class screams]

Dylan Beekler:
Golan will now answer any of your stupid questions!

Blond boy:
Oh oh! Do you have a job?

Golan:
I take over worlds!

Dylan Beekler:
[unimpressed] Next.

Brunette girl:
My mommy says Dylan's mommy wants to make a baby with you.

Golan:
[students hoot as, shyly] Well, I don't know all about that. Though why? What have you heard?

Mrs. Budnick:
Time is up. Take your seat, Beekler.

Golan:
Ah whoa, wait, hold on. First I got to get in a plug. I have finally finished my fearsome self-publish autobiography... [Golan hands his book to Dylan, which is almost as big as she is. She holds it aloft, proudly displaying its cover to the class] "Golan on Golan" by Golan. Here's a little preview. Dylan, read.

Dylan Beekler:
[a choir sings ominously as she intones] As you wish, Master!

[Dylan opens the book to its middle and begins]

Dylan Beekler:
"Cone- cow-ca-ca- cow. Cons - c-"

Golan:
Are you having a stroke? What the hell is the matter with you?

Mackenzie B.:
[pointing rudely] Dylan Beekler can't read!

[whole class laughs]

Girl:
She can't read!

Golan:
[incredulous] You can't read?

[Everyone laughs:
students; Golan, pointing at Dylan; even the teacher behind her hands. Dylan hides her face behind the book in shame]

Golan:
But in all seriousness, this is

Golan:
[flames erupt around Golan] completely unacceptable!

[Golan paces in Dylan's room]

Golan:
What about all the spells you've cast from my magic tome? How the hell'd you read those?

Dylan Beekler:
I just followed the pictures, duh!

Golan:
[sputters] Well, no wonder they've never worked out right! All this time I've been calling you stupid just to be mean, and it turns out I was *right*? So much less satisfying.

Dylan Beekler:
Whatever.

Golan:
Not whatever! This reflects poorly on me and the entire cult.

Golan:
[flames erupt around Golan] I command you to learn to read right now!

[wipe to Dylan strapped into a chair, books Take of Two Cities and Behind the Fall propped up in front of her, ABC Primer and another book on either side of her head, held in place by a giant metal vice which Golan tightens]

Dylan Beekler:
[screaming] Aaah!

Golan:
How much knowledge would you say you are absorbing?

Dylan Beekler:
[Golan tightens the vice further] Uhggh!

Richard:
Sweetie, if you were having trouble reading, you should have come to us.

Dylan Beekler:
I can read if I *want* to read! I just don't care right now!

[Golan tightens the vise screw]

Dylan Beekler:
[screams] Aaah!

Richard:
Well, you better start caring, because we're sending you to...

Carole Beekler:
[cheerfully] Tutor Town!

Dylan Beekler:
Oh no.

[Golan tightens the screw]

Dylan Beekler:
[screams] Uggh!

["Tutor Town:
Where a Kid Can Be a Student"]

Tutor:
Now your parents may have told you that there is no shame in not knowing how to read yet. But they're wrong. My brother *never* learned to read. Then he killed himself. He couldn't even write a real suicide note, just a bunch of frowny faces. [awkward pause] Now let's get started! You all need to find a learning buddy. So pair off.

[Dylan looks around at the other kids, but they are all intimidated by her and flinch away]

Tutor:
Uh, Dylan, since you're a social outcast, like my brother... [Tutor sighs]... your reading buddy will be Swingley!

Swingley:
I can draw a map of the United States from memory, wanna see me hold my breath until I pass out?

Dylan Beekler:
Let me check: no!

Swingley:
Okay, I'll show you.

[Swingley takes a deep breath]

Dylan Beekler:
[looking away] I'm ignoring you!

[Swingley lifts his shirt and starts drawing an amazingly accurate map on his chest with a green crayon]

Dylan Beekler:
[glances over] I don't even know if you're getting that map right or not.

[Swingley continues drawing]

Dylan Beekler:
[now watching] Whoa, you're really turning blue!

[as Swingley finishes the map, he bangs his head on the desk and falls to the floor]

Swingley:
[weakly] Done.

Dylan Beekler:
[to herself] Whoa, bad-ass!

[the Beeklers are at the dinner table eating pancakes. Golan eats a large rack of ribs off of a claymore-like sword]

Dylan Beekler:
[telling her story] And then, after Swingley woke up, he was all spinning in circles and flipping over tables.

Dylan Beekler:
[stabs through her pancakes with a knife] He is so annoying!

Golan:
[mockingly] "Blah blah blah blah blah." Now get to the part where you learned how to read trimphantly.

Dylan Beekler:
I didn't learn anything 'cause I couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was punching his annoying face.

Alexis Beekler:
Ohhhhhhh.

Alexis Beekler:
[sing-song] Dylan and Swingley sittin' in a tree!

Alexis Beekler:
Ha ha! You like him!

Dylan Beekler:
Shut up, Alexis! I do not!

Carole Beekler:
Aww, Dylan has a crush. Fer-cute.

Richard:
Sweetie, God says it's okay for you to like this boy as long as he's not a girl.

[Dylan stands at the curb waiting for the school bus to arrive. When it does, she enters, walks to the back of the bus and sits alone. Suddenly the rear emergency door is ripped off and Golan yanks Dylan out of the bus by her backpack]

Golan:
[as bus drives off] Both your parents and your school have failed you. Now is time to use the Golan Method.

Golan:
[pulls sheet off of a crate-sized box] Voila!

[the box has bars on one side and a sign reading "DYLANS READING BOX"]

Golan:
[opening the gate, shoving Dylan in, and shutting it] I have designed this ingenious distraction-free device to counteract your boy-craziness.

[inside written in red is "READING WILL SET YOU FREE"]

Golan:
[passing in a book] You will be released when you can adequately describe the themes of "Ulysses". Better hurry before the *snakes* consume you.

Dylan Beekler:
[dramatic sting] Snakes? What snakes?

Golan:
I left you a note to go buy snakes! Didn't you read it? Ghaa! Well, I better go to Snakes et Cetera. You read!

Dylan Beekler:
Dylan, just remember: don't let him honk your boob on the first date. I made Keith wait, and then when he did honk my boob, it was all the more special fo both of us.

[Alexis and Keith start to make out and wander off elsewhere at Pepe Roni's]

Swingley:
You want to see me put both my hands in my mouth at once?

Dylan Beekler:
Yes. Yes I would.

[He does; she smiles]

Golan:
[carrying Chinese food] Dylan, I"m back. Did you know that Snakes et Cetera is now a P.F. Chang's? [notices the box is broken] Whoa! Jail break!

[Dylan and Swingley are playing the arcade game Face Stab 2]

Swingley:
I have dyscalculia, dysgraphia, sensory integration disorder, dyslexia, and incomplete small intestine *so I get diarrhea a lot*. What are you into?

Dylan Beekler:
Um, mostly Golan the Insatiable... I guess. Aw look, we're almost out of tokens.

Swingley:
I can fix that.

[Swingley pulls out a switchblade and prys open the game's coin door. Tokens start spilling out from the game like a slot machine]

Dylan Beekler:
Woah! That's like a million tokens! No way!

[Swingley reaches for Dylan's hand]

Dylan Beekler:
[through gritted teeth] Ahhh! No touching!

Swingley:
[with awe] Are you gonna punch me?

Dylan Beekler:
Yes, in the face!

[She does. Swingley falls back, then looks up at her with surprise]

Imagined male singing voice:
[singing] This is real / And I'll get home somehow / 'Cause I don't wanna be...

[Golan smashes into Pepe Roni's through a wall]

Golan:
[grabbing mouse mascot] Cease your pizza eating and video gamery! I come in search of my acolyte, for I am Golan the Insatiable!

Dylan Beekler:
[to Swingley] Aw crap, it's my Godlord! I'm supposed to be trapped in a box!

Golan:
Aha!

[Golan throws Pepe Roni across the room]

Golan:
[marching up to Dylan] I knew the place where your parents told me you are is where you would be! Who's this greasy weirdo?

Swingley:
I'm Swingley.

Golan:
This is the guy you're all like... [mimicking kissing] ? You're supposed to be learning how to read! This date is over!

[Golan grabs Swingley by the head and throws him into the crane machine through its glass]

Dylan Beekler:
Dammit, Golan, I don't care about reading! I care about Swingley! Uh, no! I mean, I hate Swingley! Gah, this is all so confusing!

[repeated line]

Swingley:
I'm Swingley!

Dylan Beekler:
Swingley! Golan, let him go!

Golan:
I'm going to kill the little lothario unless *you* stop me! To save him, you'll have to go on a hero's quest.

[Dylan growls]

Golan:
Better hurry, for you have but one hour before I disembowel him and disen-facen him.

Golan:
[on P.A] I see you've deciphered my first clue. We'll see if you can make it through my gauntlet of fates, at the end of which your maiden fair awaits! Now enjoy this annoying novelty song about pizza.

Animatronic rat:
[singing] We're gonna rock, rock, and roll some dough...

Dylan Beekler:
Uhhh! Shut up, pizza raaat!

[Dylan beheads the rat with one blow of her hoe. As Dylan turns her back to it, the head emits flames through the neck which quickly catch the stage curtains on fire as the music and lyrics slow and distort]

[Dylan emerges from a play tunnel, pulling spiders from herself and crushing them. The next fork in the path is web climbing, the one to the left labeled "DANGER", the one to the right "SAFETY"]

Dylan Beekler:
Argh, Golan, more reading? What am I, a genius? I'm not gonna do it. I'm just gonna go to the right.

[Dylan goes to the left, gets punched off the platform at the top by a extending boxing glove, then sees the fire she unwittingly started earlier]

Dylan Beekler:
Oh no!

[Dylan hurries to the next test:
"SAFETY" on the left, "SNAKES" on the right]

Dylan Beekler:
Eat a butt, Golan!

[Dylan chooses the "SNAKES" tunnel and slides down the tube into a box of Chinese food]

Dylan Beekler:
Oh- Ugh, gross!

Golan:
[to Swingley] I hope you're full of candy, you little bastard.

Golan:
How dare you betray me!

Dylan Beekler:
Golan, I didn't betray you. You set all this up so I could learn to read. And now I can!

Golan:
Oh, right. I got kinda carried away with killin' that kid. There's just something about his face that makes you wanna smash it in with your fist. You know what I'm talking about?

Dylan Beekler:
[wistfully] Yeah. I wish I could punch his face in forever.

[Camera pulls back from the ground below Pepe Roni's where Swingley is free of his bonds, but is groaning and twitching in the parking lot. There are sirens of approaching fire trucks and an ambulance responding to the fire. Golan and Dylan are looking down]

Imagined male singing voice:
This is real / And I'll get home somehow / 'Cause I don't wanna be / The one to let you down

Swingley:
I'm Swingley.

Dylan Beekler:
You sure are.

[sirens continue]

[first lines]

[At Pepe Roni's, Dylan tries to roll a ball up a Skee-Ball ramp, only for it to roll back down]

Dylan Beekler:
Aww.

Boy in blue hat:
Ha-ha.

[Golan grabs boy by the head and throws him through the Skee-Ball target area. Golan laughs. A hundred or more tickets are dispensed from the damaged game]

Golan:
Richard, give us more quarters.

Richard:
Sorry, guys. All out.

Golan:
[laughs] Richard's unable to provide even fractions of a dollar because he's unemployed!

[Golan, Dylan, and Alexis laugh]

Carole Beekler:
Stop it, guys. Richard has a job.

Golan:
Oh, totally. Lots of people with jobs get checks from the unemployment office.

Richard:
I get checks from the unemployment office because I *work* at the unemployment office.

Golan:
Yeah, right! And I get hemorroids because I work at the Hemorroid Emporium.

Richard:
[gasps] Oh, looks like someone is getting a visit from the Tooth Fairy.

Golan:
Tooth fairy? Why have I not heard of this tooth fairy?

Dylan Beekler:
Because she's made-up. The kids at school told me she's not real.

Richard:
What?

[Richard throws a red ball aside recklessly. It hits an off-screen child]

Richard:
Those kids are stupid liars! Golan, when a human child loses a tooth, the Tooth Fairy - who's very real - flies in at night and replaces that tooth with a dollar.

Golan:
Oh, this Tooth Fairy must be powerful and cruel to hoard the teeth of children.

Golan:
[Golan gives a chuckle of arousal] Oh, oh - I'm going into a fantasy.

[Golan imagines a slim, buxom, four-winged figure with a tooth necklace and tooth-emblazoned brassiere who dives into a pool of teeth. She emerges from the pool with a head similar to Golan's, loose teeth falling from her face like water]

Tooth Fairy:
Put a baby inside me, Golan.

[back to reality]

Golan:
That Tooth Fairy will be mine. Dylan, un-mouth that tooth!

[Dylan yells as Golan probes her mouth]

[Dylan tells the story of Golan making out with the Tooth Fairy at breakfast]

Dylan Beekler:
And then Golan and the Tooth Fairy ate so many teeth, and then they puked teeth, and then he touched her b*obs, and her b*obs had teeth.

Carole Beekler:
Golan, stop telling your sex stories to my six-year-old daughter and start writing them down... in this... journal.

Richard:
Well, the important thing is that we all know the Tooth Fairy is real. Now I'm off to my job at the unemployment office, which is also real, Golan.

Golan:
Now it's just getting sad.

[Golan, as "demigod4w", types a message titled "defiler of all seeks tooth monger" into "oakgrove carols list>personals>missed connections"]

Golan:
Missed connection. "I am an experienced demigod who is sleeping with a little girl. You-"

[Golan sits in a tree outside Billy Andersen's window waiting for the Tooth Fairy]

Golan:
Ahh. I don't know why I give squirrels so much crap. This is pretty nice.

[Golan looks up and sees a nest of baby birds twittering]

Golan:
Oh, hey there little guys. Mommy bird not around? Don't worry. I'll feed you.

[Golan grabs a nearby bird feeder, pours half its contents into his mouth, chews it, and regurgitates it into the nest. The baby birds are instantly skeletonized by the acid in his vomit, which also melts the nest into a blob]

Golan:
Well, that's how they died.

[a bird flies to the nest]

Golan:
[nervously] Oh, hey there, mommy-bird. Umm, some dumb-ass squirrel just murdered your children. Really sorry for your loss. They seemed like great kids. Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'm on a date.

[Golan leaps in through a window and grabs what he thinks is the Tooth Fairy]

Golan:
Hraargh!

Mrs. Andersen:
Aaaah!

Billy Andersen:
[awakened] Mommy?

Golan:
[with hand over Mrs. Andersen's mouth] Ah, no need to call for your mother. The Tooth Fairy and I were just leaving.

Golan:
[jumping through the wall] Date night!

[melancholy music plays as Billy walks to the new hole in his wall through which Golan has just abducted his mother]

Golan:
You know, you're not so bad looking in the dim light.

[Mrs. Andersen sees a knife on the table]

Golan:
Woah, what's happening?

[she cautiously reaches for the knife, only to have Golan grasp her hand inches away from it]

Golan:
Do you feel that? What are you doing to me?

Mrs. Andersen:
Nothing. I'm just scared.

Golan:
[cuddling closer] I'm scared too, honey. I've never had feelings like this before.

Mrs. Andersen:
Please don't hurt me.

Golan:
Oh, Tooth Fairy, no one ever goes into a relationship *planning* to hurt the other person. Everything will be fine as long as we're honest with each other. Here is something you should probably know about me: I am a single father and I have a special-needs child. It is quite a challenge, but it is all worth it when I see her smile, which is like all the time. You know how they are.

[Golan is comfort-eating a pint of Sven & Yuri American Fish ice cream]

Golan:
[depressed] This is what I get for saying yes to love.

Dylan Beekler:
Snap out of it!

[Dylan slaps Golan in the face]

Golan:
Agh!

Dylan Beekler:
You can't let this Tooth Fairy whore disrespect the Godlord Terrible of Gkruool!

Golan:
You're right, Dylan. I will make this tooth-monger pay for what she's done.

Dylan Beekler:
Yeah, let's kill her and display her rotting, decapitated, worm-infested husk on the front yard!

Golan:
[wary] You know, Dylan, somethimes I worry I'm a bad influence.

Carole Beekler:
What's going on here- oh my God!

[Richard screams as Carole grabs Richard's bear-trapped arm]

Golan:
Your husband was just elected President of Loser-ville. And the Tooth Fairy and I are more in love than ever. Oh, Alexis, this must just be eating you up inside.

Alexis Beekler:
I don't care anymore. Lives are being destroyed.

Richard:
Let's just go to the hospital, please.

Carole Beekler:
Come on, honey. We can visit that waiter from The Spaghetti Barn.

[last lines]

Golan:
Sorry your dad's such a poor provider.

Dylan Beekler:
Eh, he got what he deserved.

Dylan Beekler:
[checks under pillow] Hey, look. The Tooth Fairy forgot my tooth

Golan:
Excellent. That means she shall return. And when she does...

[Golan primes another bear trap]

Golan:
we'll be ready.

[Richard opens Dylan's bedroom door, sees Dylan apparently asleep completely under the covers]

Richard:
Aww.

[Richard slips a dollar bill under the pillow, but is greeted by a metal clang as a bear trap snaps shut on his arm]

Richard:
[screaming] Oww! My arm!

Golan:
Tooth Fairy, meet your doom!

[Across the room with Dylan, who was not in the bed, Golan turns on the light]

Richard:
[sees the bear-trap clamped onto his arm] Oh! God!

Golan:
Richard, now what are you doing here?

Dylan Beekler:
Why are *you* giving me money?

Richard:
Ah! Uh-oh.

Dylan Beekler:
[with growing emotional betrayal on her face] Wait a minute. Were the other kids right? Is the Tooth Fairy made-up?

Golan:
Uh...

Dylan Beekler:
[threatening Golan with her mace] Golan? Have you been lying to me?

Golan:
Uh, no?

Dylan Beekler:
[as Richard nervously looks on] Golan, tell me the truth.

Golan:
Well, the thing is...

Dylan Beekler:
Golan, the truth!

Golan:
[taking the mace] Fine, fine, fine. I'll come clean. [Dylan looks up at Golan, tears forming in her eyes] The truth is...

Richard:
[interrupting] Uh, the- the truth is, I snuck in here... to steal the the money from the Tooth Fairy who is as real as this bone sticking out of my arm.

Golan:
[astonished] What? Really? But that's stealing.

Dylan Beekler:
Why would you do that, Father?

Golan:
Because he's unemployed! [laughs] I knew it!

Richard:
Yup. Golan's right. Can't hold down a job. Dylan, I hope you can forgive me.

Dylan Beekler:
*Never*! Golan says forgiveness is a sign of weakness! Now give me my Tooth Fairy money!

Richard:
[hands her the bill with his his fractured arm] Here you go, honey. [Dylan takes it] Aaah!

[first lines]

[a young deer prances up to its parent eating grass. Lovingly, they nuzzle noses, then both start to eat grass. But the parent immediately looks up and glances toward the road as a car passes rapidly. With a sudden crunch, the older deer's head is gone, and seconds later its body collapses, dead. In the car, Golan is swallowing the head whole]

Dylan Beekler:
[pinned against the rear passenger door by Golan's immense, car-filling form] Awesome! We're not even at the lake yet and our weekend of murder has already begun.

[Golan releases a tremendous belch into Alexis's face, blowing the skin back from her eyes and cheek]

Alexis Beekler:
[as Carole laughs] Oh, it's gonna be torture! What's the stupid point of going to Keith's family cabin without Keith? I never have any fun!

Carole Beekler:
Cheer up, honey. I never have any fun either, and I'm happy.

[Carole's left eye twitches involuntarily as she screams internally for 3 seconds]

Carole Beekler:
[normal] We're here!

Carole Beekler:
Is that a flat screen at the bottom of your hot tub? Is that even safe?

Keith Knudsen Sr.:
[dismissively] No. Three electricians had to die so we can watch SportsCenter through the bubbles.

Keith Knudsen Sr.:
[shouting] Yo! Party-Bot! Bring us some shots!

Party-Bot:
[rolls up carrying a tray of shots] Be-boop-bop. Have a shot with Party-Bot.

Carole Beekler:
Oh, no thank you. I need to stay vigilant over my children.

Party-Bot:
[eyes spinning with red and blue lights] Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert!

Carole Beekler:
What?

Keith Knudsen Sr.:
Carole, what I think Party-Bot's trying to say is. as a single mother, you're always doing things for your children, but when was the last time you had any fun. Are you happy?

Carole Beekler:
I'm happy.

[Carole's left eye twitches as she screams internally for three seconds]

Carole Beekler:
[normal] You know what? I *will* have shot with Party-Bot.

[four glasses clink, Go-Go's with leeches, and Carole downs her shot in one gulp]

Carole Beekler:
Whoo!

Keith Knudsen Sr.:
Hey! Way to open up that throat, Beeks!

Keith Knudsen Sr.:
[with fake pompous accent] And now if you'll excuse me my lady, I'm going to finish this pee in the bathroom.

Go-Go Knudsen:
[laughs loudly] He is so good at peeing.

Dylan Beekler:
Whoa, what is wrong with you today?

Golan:
I don't know!

[Golan's right horn, and part of his skull, falls to the ground]

Golan:
Uh-oh. Has it already been 500 years? No wonder I've been so hormonal! I've entered my...

Golan:
[gazes wistfully at the Sun] rejuvenation cycle.

Dylan Beekler:
What is a rejew-inflanation-bicycle?

Golan:
I'm molting, stupid. You know, when you shed your exoskeleton and- aah!

[Golan suddenly twists and his flesh falls as if his skeleton has ceased to exist save for his teeth, claws, and remaining horn. His eyes pop out of his face as it all falls at Dylan's feet]

Party-Bot:
Oh, darling, the way the moonlight reflects off your eyes makes you look- CONNECTION FAIL! SYSTEM CRASH! CRITICAL OPERATING SYSTEM ERROR! CRITICAL OPERATING SYSTEM ERROR! CRITICAL OPERAT...

[hanging, bound together and inverted from a tree branch in one of Dylan's traps, Alexis notices the rope is frayed as it goes over the branch]

Alexis Beekler:
Listen, I think we can wiggle out of here. Ugh, come on.

Keith Knudsen Jr.:
Oh. Good thinking baby.

[both grunting as they swing]

Alexis Beekler:
[enjoying it] Oh yeah. That's good. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.

Keith Knudsen Jr.:
Wait. Alexis, what's happening?

Alexis Beekler:
Ung!

Alexis Beekler:
[singing gratingly off-key to non-diegetic music] If this is real / I'll make it home somehow / 'Cause I don't wanna be / The one to let you down.

Keith Knudsen Jr.:
I'm compromising my morals and it tingles. Daad. Daaaad!

[Golan presses buttons on remote, causing TiVo sound effects]

Golan:
I don't understand! Where are my Top Chefs?

Dylan Beekler:
You probably didn't even record it.

Golan:
Yes I did! I have a Season Pass!

Dylan Beekler:
[grabs remote] Give me that!

Golan:
Don't grab!

Dylan Beekler:
[punches buttons] See? Look. You've got a Season Pass for Top Chef: *Seattle*. But it's in a different city this year, so it's a different name.

Golan:
But it's the same show! It's like they don't even want you to watch the new season! Give it. Oh, fine, let's just watch live television like poor people.

Golan:
Uh, hey, so I, uh, took the liberty of putting his penis in my drink-tar and filling it up with ice, so... here you go.

EMT:
What? He's not missing his penis.

Golan:
Huh. Then whose penis *is* this?

EMT:
I don't know.

Golan:
[frustrated shout] You're right, Dylan. This place is *gross*.

Dylan Beekler:
So I guess you *do* care if I live or die.

Golan:
No I don't!

Dylan Beekler:
Then why'd you paralyze Keith with a brick?

Golan:
'Cause I - oh, shut up!

Golan:
[to a little boy] Hey, here you go, big guy, a free drink-tar. Don't worry, there's no penis in it.

[boy drinks]

[last lines]

Richard:
[with air quotes] I guess Keith wasn't such a "bad boy" after all.

Richard, Golan, Carole Beekler:
[laughter]

Golan:
Yeah, I don't think you can fit "I may or may not wake up from this coma" on a vanity plate.

Richard, Golan, Carole Beekler, Dylan Beekler:
[laughter]

Richard:
Oh, Golan!

Golan:
But in all seriousness, we're really pulling for the guy, Alexis.

Alexis Beekler:
Oh, shut up, Golan! You're all crazy!