Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell

Satan:
Hell is going to be a safer place for all eternity.

[Gary getting tired from all the whipping]

Gary Bunda:
God. I don't know who's getting tortured here more, you or me.

Eddie:
What do you say we take a little break?

Gary Bunda:
That's..no. You know? No, because they got to hear the screams.

Eddie:
Well, I can pretend!

Gary Bunda:
No.

Eddie:
I could do that!

Gary Bunda:
That's a really nice idea though.

Eddie:
I can crack the whip. Just put it up in my hand, right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Put it up! I'm a multi-tasker! Put it up!

Gary Bunda:
Okay.

Eddie:
Yeah!

Gary Bunda:
Alright.

Eddie:
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Eddie pretends to try to whip himself]

Eddie:
Look. I'm cracking it. See? I'm cracking it!

Gary Bunda:
But you got to scream, too, while you do it.

Eddie:
Oh, okay. Aah!

Gary Bunda:
There you go that's good. I like that, but you got to sync it up, because if you scream before the whip crack, it's gonna ruin the effect.

Eddie:
Oh, okay.

Gary Bunda:
They're gonna know we're hot-dogging them.

[Gary watches two guys fighting on a thin mountain over a pack of cigarettes]

Gary Bunda:
You're getting close, Toby!

[The two guys fall to their doom when the mountain crashed]

Gary Bunda:
You guys ever think about quitting?! [laughs]

Claude:
Execuse me, sir?

Gary Bunda:
Yeah?

Claude:
I can't seem to find my bunk.

Gary Bunda:
Oh! No, no, no. They give you bed sheets to get you thinking about sleep. But sleep -- it, uh, -- [laughs] It never comes.

Gary Bunda:
Now this I.D. is gonna get you access to...nothing. Absolutely nothing. It doesn't work.

Claude:
There's got to be a mistake! I'm not supposed to be here!

Gary Bunda:
[chuckles] Yeah. All the noobs get pwned saying stuff like that. Just like the calendar says. [high-pitched] "There's a mistake! I'm not supposed to be here!"

Gary Bunda:
[laughs] It's pretty good. Every day? You catch that yet?

Claude:
They're all Mondays.

Gary Bunda:
Man, the guys who made this really nailed it! [laughs]

Claude:
It's..It's clever. It is clever.

Gary Bunda:
It is! It's really good! I love it! Talks about life, you know, what's really going on. [chuckles]

Gary Bunda:
Ooh, bathroom break. Let's do this!

Claude:
Good. I was gonna ask, are there water fountains?

Gary Bunda:
It's not a "water" fountain.

[cuts to the next scene where their heads are putted inside the wall-mounted restroom]

Claude:
This is terrible. This is horrible!

Gary Bunda:
Just gotta chill out, buddy, all right? At least we're not in the stalls. That's when things get ugly.

[Jason farts in the stalls in a worse kind of way]

Jason:
[farts] Oh! My eye!

Gary Bunda:
Been there, done that, Jason.

Claude:
I can't hack it here, man!

Gary Bunda:
There's nothing you can do about it, so just be a professional.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, it's Satan! Uh, play dead.

Satan:
Cruz kisses his fist and points to heaven every freaking time he gets hit by a b*tch! I mean, what is that?

Satan:
You know, I mean, I'm the one that gives him all those seeing-eye singles, right?

Claude:
Hey, Satan.

[Satan stares at Claude of disappointment]

Gary Bunda:
[to Claude] Why would you say that?

[After Claude messes up meeting with Satan in bathroom, Satan was about to pee on Claude but pees on Gary instead]

Gary Bunda:
[to Claude] Blowing another first day! Good thing you're wearing glasses, man. Here it comes for you, buddy.

Satan:
Gary.

[Satan pisses on Gary]

Gary Bunda:
No!

Satan:
You know what?

Gary Bunda:
Oww, it's hot.

Satan:
Let's do the gargle. Do the gargle.

Gary Bunda:
[gargling]

Satan:
[chuckling] That's it!

Claude:
Were you talking about Cortez Cruz, the baseball player?

Satan:
Who the f*** are you?

Claude:
My name's Claude. It's all for you, Satan.

Gary Bunda:
That's just my intern! You can ignore him!

Claude:
I mean, Cortez Cruz is the worst. Always kissing that humongous cross. What's the point? He got the Jesus neck tattoo. Am I right?

Satan:
Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point.

Claude:
He should be kissing a pentagram and pointing down...to you!

Satan:
You know what? That's an excellent idea. Gary, are you listening to this?

Gary Bunda:
[Gary still gargling from Satan's piss] Uh, you're cutting in and out! I can't..I can't hear you.

[Gary and Claude at Gary's apartment]

Claude:
Pretty dumpy digs for a pro ball player.

Gary Bunda:
Stop talking smack about my old apartment, bro.

Gary Bunda:
See that guy over there? That is my old roomie, Lucas, back from my old earth days. You can relax. We can do this all day long, 'cause he can't see us.

Lucas:
I can see the floating beer in my kitchen, though.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, man. Well he can't hear us, so boo-yah! Ha! You dick head! You're a dick head!

Lucas:
Actually I can hear you, because I just responded to you, dick head!

Gary Bunda:
I can see you moved my futon into the living room.

Lucas:
I converted your room into a humidor.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, that's so cool! That's so cool! I can't wait to see that! Yeah!

Lucas:
Shut the door behind you. It's perfectly humidified in there!

Claude:
"I'm Claude, and I'm here to devour your soul."

Lucas:
[yelps] Who the hell are you?!

Claude:
Claude! I just said that. It works.

[Gary surprised how Claude did the visible effect, but thinks of himself he's actually visible or not]

Gary Bunda:
Can you seriously not see me, Lucas, or..you're jerking me around!

Claude:
It says in the manual that you have to see it in your mind's eye.

Gary Bunda:
I'm doing that, alright? I guess my cloak mode must be stuck on. Sometimes it gets stuck when I'm doing high-profile sh*t.

[Claude uses a sheet to disguise himself as an old woman]

Claude (as old woman):
Lucas...can you give me directions to the baseball stadium?

Lucas:
Nana? B...But you're dead!

Claude (as old woman):
[deep voice] WHERE IS THE STADIUM?!

Lucas:
It's off the interstate! Take route 17, go down about 4 blocks, and make a right!

Gary Bunda:
Hey, pop quiz. How did you do that thing, you know that old lady thing? I-I mean I know how you did it, but can you explain to me how you did it?

Claude:
It's easy. You just grab an article of Clothing from that person, and you can appear as them.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, I knew that. I was testing you, and you got an a-plus.

[Gary tries to disguise himself as a different person]

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, you want to see what the expert does? Sure thing, buddy. I'll give you a thrill.

[Gary wears a piece of underwear that turns him into hobo man]

Gary Bunda (as Hobo):
Claude! Claude, what am I? Who am I? Am I handsome? Am I somebody really cool? Who am --

Officer:
Hold on, hold on. You're not allowed back here, sir.

Gary Bunda (as Hobo):
No, no, hang on, man. I'm with him!

Officer:
Who?

Gary Bunda (as Hobo):
You don't understand! I..hey, Claude! Wait up!

Officer:
Who the hell are you talking to about?

Gary Bunda:
That there red glasses in the glasses! I got to get in there, man!

[Gary starts to get beaten up by a officer while disguised as a hobo]

Claude:
Nice ink, Cortez. Did you forget who pulled you out of the slums of Venezuela and made this possible?

Cortez Cruz:
[speaking spanish] I already sold my soul to the people. What more do you want?

Claude:
How about you stop using Jesus as a beard?

[Claude gives Cortez the necklace, the Star of David]

Claude:
Everytime you get on base, we want you to kiss this and thank the man that made it all possible.

Cortez Cruz:
A Star of David?

Claude:
It's a pentagram, you wetback.

Cortez Cruz:
I'll do it. But now I want to bat .500.

Claude:
How about I just dissolve your face in acid right now?!

Gary Bunda:
I'm gonna use a spell. I'm gonna bump up your hand-eye coordination, but you remember, you do the "El Diablo", point-o down-o, smoochy, smoochy.

Cortez Cruz:
[speaking spanish]

Gary Bunda:
I don't understand what you're saying. So...okay.

[Gary chants a spell in a forbidden language]

Gary Bunda:
Now, Cortez, I think that last bit here will tingle like --

[Cortez explodes into cockroaches]

Claude:
What did you just do?!

Gary Bunda:
I think I did it...wrong.

Claude:
Watch out! You're stepping on him! Get a cup or something!

Gary Bunda:
Dude, it's a roach! [steps on many roaches]

Claude:
No, that's him! Stop!

Newswoman on TV:
Cortez, forgive me for saying so, but you looked a little lost out there at the plate.

Satan:
'Cause he swung the bat like a f***ing girl.

Cortez Cruz:
I was having a little trouble getting around on his fast ball. But, uh, also, uh, dearest Satan, I pray that the earth will crack open and you will reign over man for 1,000 years. Hey, Mira, Satan. Mwah. It's all for you, baby, okay?

Newswoman on TV:
What a...weird thing to say.

Gary Bunda (as Hobo):
Cream pie!

[After Gary smashes cream pie to Cortez's face, it was revealed that Claude was in disguise ruining the mission]

Claude:
What the hell are you doing?! You're gonna expose the whole operation!

Gary Bunda (as Hobo):
What baseball guys do! Hail Satan!

Claude:
Dude, Satan, it wasn't my fault! It's Gary! Look at him! He's a fat idiot!

Gary Bunda:
I just want to say Hail Satan, everybody. I hope everybody's doing good, and Merry Christmas!

Satan:
They do the cream pie when they win, Gary. Don't you watch sports?

Gary Bunda:
You think you're gonna be a while? 'Cause I could go get you some magazines, or --

Satan:
Oh, no, I'm good. Just sit tight in the bowl, huh?

Gary Bunda:
So, what I'm gonna need you to do is...alphabetize all these bones. Alright?

Gary Bunda:
So, you take a bone when it's away from its home, 'cause you see that bone over by my keyboard over there...

Claude:
Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
That's not home. That bone...

Claude:
This is the home.

Gary Bunda:
...feels lost.

Claude:
Yep.

Gary Bunda:
It needs to go in its home, which is one of these different, distinct cartons. One is an "N-T" carton. One is a "U-Z" carton. I have an "A-M" one that's more in the works right now. If you could just go ahead and grab a carton and just write "A-M" on the carton...

Claude:
Right.

Gary Bunda:
And then go through the "N-T" and the "U-Z" cartons. Look for the bones that should be in the "A-M."

Claude:
I -- Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
Every bone has its home. You know what I'm saying?

Claude:
You don't need a pneumonic device to remember to put the bones...

Gary Bunda:
Put the bone...in its home.

Gary Bunda:
So, for example, like, why is that bone in this box?

Claude:
It's the tibia.

Gary Bunda:
It's a thighbone.

Claude:
Either way, it starts with "T."

Gary Bunda:
I'm just trying to stress this 'cause I know, like, it seems simple.

Gary Bunda:
If you see a bone out that's not in one of the bone cartons, put it in the appropriate bone carton. Okay?

[Shane coming by with bones in cartons]

Gary Bunda:
Oh, good. Shane's here. Here they are.

Gary Bunda:
Where are we?

Satan:
This is where my girlfriend works.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, so you're dating a earth girl, huh? Nice!

Satan:
Yeah, Gary. I "date" her. Right here every Tuesday, I date her like a big bass drum. I date here over and over again.

Gary Bunda:
Slam it down! Slam it down!

Gary Bunda:
And then it turns out it wasn't him. It wasn't Dave Matthews. Yeah, it was just...a Mexican.

Gary Bunda:
How's your panini?

Denise:
It's, uh...it's gross. I'm actually gonna dump it.

Gary Bunda:
No, no, no, no. Don't..don't, uh, don't throw it out. You should open the bun.

Denise:
Um...

Gary Bunda:
Look under the bun.

Denise:
...okay.

Gary Bunda:
Just check under the bun. Look under the bun.

Denise:
Okay. Okay. There we go.

Gary Bunda:
Maybe, see...

Denise:
What?

Gary Bunda:
Just dig around the crab meat, like, a little bit. Just dig around in the crab meat. Do you see it?

Denise:
Oh, no.

Gary Bunda:
Denise...

Denise:
Gary, don't do it.

Gary:
...will you make me the..I'm sorry.

[Gary licks the marriage ring noticing a bunch of food particles in it]

Gary Bunda:
Will you make me the world's happiest man?

[After Gary notices that Satan was banging into Gary's girlfriend, Denise]

Gary Bunda:
[sobbing] I'm so happy that you're happy that you found someone who makes you happy.

Satan:
Who? Crab meat? Nah, she's just a piece of ass.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, crab meat's just a piece of ass.

Satan:
But you know what I love? This house. The sex is incredible!

Satan:
No one is allowed to live here. No one, you understand me? Can buy this place. 'Cause I'm gonna keep banging your ex-girlfriend here on this polished granite.

Gary Bunda:
She's here. Oh. Um, how do I look? Do I look good?

Satan:
You look invisible, dumbass.

Benji:
Bam! Boom! And just like that, he's inside the TV. So easy, a child could do it. Just make sure you don't put him inside the TV you're watching right now. [chuckles] That would be stupid.

[Gary tries to scare the people away out of the house which he forgot to guard]

Gary Bunda:
Boogady bang! [holds a sink faucet holder] Look! It's blood! It's blood! It's blood! It's drippy blood. Why aren't you blood? You got floating refrigerator magnets!

Gary Bunda:
The upstairs is very bad for entertaining. Four little girls were dismembered in that upstairs room.

Claude:
They put an offer on the condo?

Gary Bunda:
But you can tell, just by looking at her, that we still have, like, it's a heat. It's the hot fire!

Gary Bunda:
You are my intern, so you just need to find a loophole in whatever these so-called...papers are.

Claude:
You could demonically possess another person and talk to her that way, but that's some serious level-5 sh*t.

Claude:
Here's some possession gel, okay? But you didn't get it from me.

Gary Bunda:
Where did you get it from?

Claude:
This was in your office.

Lucas:
I want a 3-foot dong.

Gary Bunda:
Fine. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, you'll destroy a woman, but, uh, I'll see what I can do.

Lucas:
My manager took today off, so, uh, I guess that makes me the boss.

[Gary possessed Lucas with possession gel to get inside Lucas's body while they control the body movements and talking inside Lucas's mind]

Gary Bunda:
Just keep it chill.

Lucas:
Yeah, this is chill. I can't even walk up the steps.

Gary Bunda:
Lift your knees.

Lucas:
So, the plan is, you're gonna tell Denise that you possessed my body so you can take her to go play miniature golf?

Gary Bunda:
I told you, I don't know if the course is gonna be open, alright?

Gary Bunda:
Now, repeat after me. "Denise, this is Gary, possessing the body of Lucas, and I think we need to give us another chance."

Lucas (possessed):
Naah tach ach! Glaaah!

Gary Bunda:
Come on!

Lucas (possessed):
Gaaaaaah!

Gary Bunda:
YOU'RE BLOWING THIS FOR ME!

Satan:
So...Claude tells me that, uh, you, took possession gel so that you could go visit my girlfriend.

Gary Bunda:
Well, that...that is a...lie.

Satan:
Now what happened to the maggots, huh?

Gary Bunda:
I just think maggots are cliché. Is that your voice? You know? Do they --

Satan:
Let me show you how to make maggots. Pull out your dick.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, I'll make some maggots. I'm-a make it rain some maggots on a...on a lady that I used to love.

Benji:
Maggot disgusting. Maggot terrifying. One, two, three... [ding] Maggot happen!

[Gary and Lucas trying to make maggots in a tutorial commercial]

Lucas:
Maggot happen.

Gary Bunda:
Maggot happen.

Lucas:
Maggot happen.

Gary Bunda:
He's doing something weird with his wrist. Wait.

Lucas:
He's, like, flipping his arm or something.

Lucas:
Where's my dong?

Gary Bunda:
Oh, my god. Here. Gimmie the maggots.

Lucas:
Is this supposed to magically attach or something?

Gary Bunda:
I don't know, man. Why don't you read the instructions? They're written in sh*t on the side. Alright? I got to go. We'll talk about this later.

Lucas:
These are the instructions on how to make the box!

Satan:
Sex is good, but she talks afterwards. I'm so bored. I'm so bored. So I f***ing burned the house down.

[Satan sends Gary to the Break Room]

Satan:
[sighs] Long day.

Gary Bunda:
You know, I think I'm good. I don't think I need to go for a break.

Satan:
No, no, no. No, no. Gary, Gary, this is why we have a break room, for moments like this.

Gary Bunda:
I just feel that my passion is my work and that taking a break is like taking a break from my passion.

Gary Bunda:
Wait, let me just say hello to my friend Jason over in rapes.

Satan:
Lassiter Jenkins, senator from the State of Tennessee...family man...lead of the pray for oil faith initiative...and a secret peter tweeter.

Gary Bunda:
Ah, there's just no reason to see one of those.

Satan:
Yeah. Man likes to show his junk.

Satan:
Now, what I need is an emissary to go find the esteemed senator, present him with these glamour shots, and persuade him to put me on the nickel.

Satan:
So who wants this one?

Gary Bunda:
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! I call it! I called it!

Satan:
Claude, I think saw your hand go up first.

Claude:
It's all for you, Satan. I won't let you down.

Gary Bunda:
Whoa. Hey. Claude's my intern. He is great and all, and I appreciate his energy. But, I just feel that my talents are being wasted just sitting here on this red-hot iron spike.

Satan:
Also, uh, Gary, why don't you go ahead and eat these, too.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, okay. Does this have anything to do with the mission?

Satan:
What? No, that's just for my amusement. Bon Appétit.

Senator's Receptionist:
Senator Jenkins' Office.

Gary Bunda:
[high-pitched] Yes, hi. I am a registered voter, and I was calling to speak with Senator Jenkins.

Senator's Receptionist:
The Senator's not here right now. He's on vacation.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, I didn't know that. But, I do now! Thank you! Boo-yah!

Senator's Receptionist:
Senator Jenkins' Office.

Gary Bunda:
[high-pitched] Hi. Yes, this is the...this is the voter from before, and I was calling to see if you had a, uh, oh, no, an exact location or a phone number for the Senator.

Senator's Receptionist:
No, I cannot give you that.

Gary Bunda:
[quietly grunts in rage]

Senator's Receptionist:
Okay?

Gary Bunda:
Okay, thank you. Goodbye.

Gary Bunda:
You want a briquette?

[Claude slaps the briquette out of Gary's hand]

Gary Bunda:
Is there any chance that you are United States Senator Lassiter Jenkins?

Alex:
No.

Gary Bunda:
Can I have some of this?

Alex:
Oh, no. That's urine. I've been pissing in that for two days.

Gary Bunda:
Claude, thank god! Thank god. Don't tell Satan this, but I am trapped in a ravine.

Claude:
Don't tell Satan?

Gary Bunda:
I don't know where I am!

Claude:
What?

Gary Bunda:
Alright, I'm bleeding.

Claude:
Yeah, man. I can hardly hear you, but it sounds like you're having a great time, bro. Why don't you give me a call back tomorrow when I'm back in the office?

Gary Bunda:
This is your office line, Claude.

Claude:
Right, whatever.

Gary Bunda:
Claude!

Claude:
[hangs up] Dick.

Gary Bunda:
[to Alex] Ohh, do you have any aspirin?

Alex:
My boss is a total d*ckhead.

Gary Bunda:
My boss is the living embodiment of all evil.

Alex:
Yeah, mine too. He's always looking for a way to tear me a new a**hole, literally.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, mine too! Like, literally tears me a new a**hole.

Alex:
Yeah, literally! Mine literally, too.

Gary Bunda:
Mine literally tore me a new a**hole. It's in my armpit. Where's yours? I would show you mine, but it's got the runs right now.

Alex:
Oh, mine's not like literally.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, I mean like literally.

Alex:
Okay.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, yeah.

Alex:
A lot of people misuse that word.

Gary Bunda:
How's your spear coming along? Better be sharp because when that squirrel comes by, I think we're only gonna get one more shot at him.

Alex:
Mm-hmm.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah. He really wants to live.

Gary Bunda:
But on that note, you're leg is not looking good, so I think we could tuck into that pretty soon.

Alex:
No, man. We're not eating my leg.

Gary Bunda:
Are you chewing something? That's a granola wrapper! What do you got in that bag?

Alex:
Hey!

Gary Bunda:
What do you got in that bag?

Alex:
Hey! That..that's private!

Gary Bunda:
Yeah?! Well, fine! Fine! 'Cause you know what? 'Cause if I want food, I can just go out and I can hunt with these two guys. I don't even need this knife. Just -- [Gary tries to bent his broken leg which ended up worse] Gaaaaah!

Alex:
Hey, I got a lot of yogurt raisins, and you can have 1.

Gary Bunda:
You know what? No. I'm gonna eat these berries.

Alex:
No, no, no. Don't eat that. Those are poisonous, man.

Gary Bunda:
Nice try. These are mine. Mmm. If you want some, go get your own.

[cuts to the next scene where Gary vomits out the poisonous berries]

Gary Bunda:
Do you have any Pepto in your bag?

Alex:
No, man. What the hell do you have in your bag? It's filled with crap. You have bottle rockets?!

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, I was saving them for the fourth.

Alex:
They're wet or something. We gotta use your horn, man.

Gary Bunda:
Use your horn. That's gonna hurt me.

Alex:
I don't have a horn.

Alex:
Let's meet again, brother. This very same spot a year from now.

Gary Bunda:
Let's do it on top of the ravine next time.

Gary Bunda:
But, you remember what I said. Take life by the horns.

Alex:
I don't remember you saying anything like that, Gary, but you, too, man.

[Alex leaves in a ambulance]

Gary Bunda:
That guy... [realizes] My f***ing horn. My horn! You got my horn! Guys!

[Satan watches porn before Gary comes in]

Satan:
Oh, Gary, you were gone a while. We were, uh, getting worried.

Eddie:
You know all this coal we're shoveling?

Gary Bunda:
Yeah.

Eddie:
I carved an "X" on a piece of coal. I put it in there, and it just came out and fell in front of us.

Gary Bunda:
No, no, no, no, then that would mean that this whole thing is a waste of time.

Satan:
Look what I got here. It's a book. And look who wrote it.

Claude:
The buddy of yours from the ravine?

Satan:
"Take Life by The Horns: How A Demon Taught Me to Raise Hell Without Going There."

Claude:
It's got the secret hell handshake. It's got the finger lightening. It's got everything, Gary.

Satan:
Blah, blah, blah. "Minions, behind his back, have been known to call him Beelzleboobs."

Gary Bunda:
[laughs]

Satan:
You're laughing?

Gary Bunda:
I never heard that before.

Gary Bunda:
No one's gonna read this stupid book.

Claude:
It's a best seller. People are reading it on the beach.

Satan:
Yeah. He's doing seminars. "Do it the Gary Way".

Gary Bunda:
Hey, um...what if I kill you and I make it look like a suicide?

Alex:
No. No. That's not the Gary Way, man.

Gary Bunda:
I'm Gary, a**hole!

Gary Bunda:
You have my horn, and you told people that I cried at the bottom of the ravine.

Alex:
Gary, my editor said that makes you more sympathetic, so it really worked.

[Gary feels the need to poop]

Gary Bunda:
Where's your can?

Alex:
If you gotta drop anchor, man, half bath.

Gary Bunda:
Man, this place is crazy big.

Alex:
Courtesy flush, too?

Gary Bunda:
Satan just had a couple of notes about a second revision before you go in there. He really would like you to mention what a badass he is. And also, could you put something in there about how cut he is? He's just got waterfall abs.

Claude:
Let me show you the cool way to masturbate, Hollywood-style. You know what I mean? Everybody is doing this.

Gary Bunda:
You could take your original manuscript and every single copy of the book and burn it.

Eddie:
Hey, are you shoveling the Gary Way? Shovel the Gary Way! [laughs]

Gary Bunda:
[sarcastically] Yeah, that is funny.

Gary Bunda:
Hey, man! What's up? What you doing?

Alex:
I'm being put in hell. Hey, I was told I'm supposed to shove this up your ass or you're supposed to shove it up mine or something.

Gary Bunda:
You first.

Satan:
Why don't we flip a coin? Gary, you call.

Gary Bunda:
Tails.

[The nickel shows heads of the Satan]

Gary Bunda:
Oh, wow, is that new? It's actually really good.

Satan:
Came out nice.

Gary Bunda:
I can't believe we got all the detail on that.

Satan:
Yeah. It's franklin mint.

[Alex is about to put the bowling ball in Gary's butt]

Alex:
Um, are you gonna pull down your pants or do I stick it --

Gary Bunda:
No, you can push it through. I don't care about these pants.

Alex:
Am I just supposed to shove it?

Gary Bunda:
Oh, yeah, just shove it right in there.

Alex:
It doesn't seem like it's gonna fit.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, yeah. It never does.

Eddie:
Are you doing it the Gary Way?

Gary Bunda:
You know what you could use in this hair? Mayonnaise. Yeah, get some life back into it.

Gary Bunda:
I mean, you could save the earth, but you could still look pretty. Maybe wear a push-up bra.

Moon Rabbit:
Who are you?

Gary Bunda:
I'm Gary. You don't remember me? Crazy Gary? You worshipped me at the Wiccan festival?

Moon Rabbit:
Oh, Gary! [laughs]

Gary Bunda:
Yeah! Jesus Christ. How many brownies did you eat?

Moon Rabbit:
I love Leftover Salmon.

Moon Rabbit:
I love Vince Herman. We're just, like, destined to be together, man.

Gary Bunda:
Yes, and people keep trying to tear you apart. Yeah. If only Vince Herman could maybe get to know you, you know? The real you.

Moon Rabbit:
I've got to kill Vince Herman so no one else can have him.

Gary Bunda:
That's my girl! Yes! Yes!

Moon Rabbit:
Oh, the show starting!

Gary Bunda:
No, no, no, look. Here, use this, use this!

[Gary gives Moon Rabbit a bow and arrows to kill Vince Herman]

Gary Bunda:
Alright, so you get out there, alright?

Moon Rabbit:
Yeah, I got to go watch.

Gary Bunda:
Just remember, when Salmon kicks into "Steam Powered Aereoplane," you show Vincent Herman your love is real.

Moon Rabbit:
Who?

Gary Bunda:
He's the guy with the microphone. Just go get'em, girl! I'm proud of you!

[Eddie tries to get a snack from the vending machine]

Gary Bunda:
Eddie, hey, it's been three days. It's my turn, alright?

Eddie:
This is mine!

Gary Bunda:
I don't want to jinx it, but, uh...I think I'm gonna get some finger lightning.

Claude:
That leftover tuna deal must have put you over the top, huh?

Gary Bunda:
You talking about Leftover Salmon? Yeah, they're like top two hippie jam bands named after a fish.

[Eddie screams in agony still trying to get a snack out of the vending machine]

Gary Bunda:
We're trying to have a conversation.

Eddie:
[screams]

Claude:
When I did that Metallica thing, it was a logistical nightmare.

Gary Bunda:
What Metallica thing?

Claude:
Oh, man, Pyro set the bleachers on fire. The stage collapsed. 10,000 souls for the big man. It was off the hizzy, for shizzy, my nizzy! No offense to black people.

Gary Bunda:
Um, my guy is pointing a crossbow at the world leader of prog-fusion washboard as we speak, so...

Claude:
Crossbow?

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, crossbow, yeah. Silent killer.

Claude:
It's not done yet?

Gary Bunda:
Oh, well, the chess pieces are all in place, my friend, and this guys about to be Bobby Fischer up in this Bi-i--aaaaaah!

[Gary gets transported into someone's house]

Gary Bunda:
I am Gary of the 17th circle of the Hades Annex, associate incubus in training. Your wish is my pleasure. Now, how the f*** did you summon me?!

Gary Bunda:
"Crawling hitchhiker"! Yeah! Yeah!

Spencer:
So, what does the summon word mean?

Gary Bunda:
Nothing, you know? You can just toss it. I mean, you could say it, but it doesn't uh...it doesn't matter, you know? But I could just toss it for you if you want.

[Dizzay watching Claude doing a wrong style of peeing]

Dizzay:
You're clinching. Got to rela --

Claude:
Dude, you do your job. I'll do mine, alright?

Dizzay:
I'm just trying to help you out.

Gary Bunda:
Listen! Hurry up! I need you to go to my desk. I need you to log in as me, okay? I need you to change my summon word to anything else than "Summonword"!

Dizzay:
You summon word is "Summonword"?

Gary Bunda:
Shut up.

Claude:
You're supposed to change that every six weeks, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
Hurry up, already! What, did you drink a gallon of milk?!

Spencer:
So, I think I know what "Summonword" means.

Gary Bunda:
How about this? You give me my card back, or you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna eat your firstborn.

Spencer:
Spin your head around.

[Gary spins his head around]

Spencer:
Whoa!

Gary Bunda:
Fine, we happy? You done here? Because you're gonna get it!

Spencer:
Justin, check this out! Spin your head again. Just keep doing it until I say when.

Gary Bunda:
[sarcastically laughs] What fun! Everyone loves a show. Alright, we've all seen it. Can we shut it down?

Justin:
Whoa. Spin your butt, dude.

Gary Bunda:
I cannot spin my butt.

Justin:
Well, what can you do?

Gary Bunda:
You spin you're butt.

Gary Bunda:
Okay, the word you have is a very powerful thing, and I will get in some for real trouble at my work.

Spencer:
Demon, I command thee, get us beer, as your ruler, b*tch.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, I'll spin your head. Spin your head clean off your shoulders.

Claude:
What are you d -- You're drinking beer? Satan's been up and down the hall asking about you.

Satan:
Gary, where the f*** are you?! I'll find you, you little sh*t.

Gary Bunda:
I lost my S-word, man. I just got to change my S-word. Just change my S-word.

Claude:
I can't change your S-word without manager approval.

Gary Bunda:
Manager approval? That is -- Satan is our manager!

Claude:
Okay. Relax. Relax.

Gary Bunda:
I'm trying to relax!

Claude:
Bro!

Claude:
Get the kid to smoke this weed. It will erase his mind. Then you steal back your summon word.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, hell, yeah. There's some stinky-ass nugs in this bong.

Claude:
Get him to fork over his soul in the bargain.

Spencer:
Yo! Moose knuckle! Where have you been?

Justin:
Yeah, bro. And explain to me what's wrong with this essay. "The Poems of Maya Ange...lou"?

Gary Bunda:
You said you wanted to be 12 pages.

Justin:
Not in 72-point font, bro! I can't turn this in!

Gary Bunda:
Just chill out nerds! And check out what the G-man's brought to the party, bros. Yeah! It's a bong.

Spencer:
I wanted to give you back your wallet.

Gary Bunda:
What?

Spencer:
Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
With the S-word, too?

Spencer:
Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
Dude!

Spencer:
Yeah. I thought I'd forget it so I got it tattooed right there. [chuckles]

Gary Bunda:
[thinking] Take the leg. Take the leg. Take the leg!

Justin:
What is your clipboard for?

Gary Bunda:
What? Huh?

Justin:
The clipboard! Why?

Gary Bunda:
Oh, um it's a...petition against the drilling of pandas for...oil.

Spencer & Justin:
Oh yeah.

Justin:
We heard about that.

Gary Bunda:
Good, because the media's really trying to cover it up -- The drilling of bears. So you should give that a sign.

Spencer:
Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, keep signing it. Yeah, both of you.

Justin:
Hey, wait a minute, dude.

Spencer:
Save the pandas!

Justin:
That's not paper. It's skin.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, don't worry about it. You have to use the, uh, skin -- The skin from the bears in the paper.

Claude:
Gary, I did it. I changed you summon word.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah! Yeah! Claude, you're the man! Yeah!

Claude:
I made it simple. It's your mother's maiden name and the year you were born.

Gary Bunda:
Alright, so...Schmickler83. Got it. Let me just write that down.

Claude:
You shouldn't really write that down. It's...It's maiden name and year you were born.

Spencer:
Demon, I command thee to get me a Ferrari Enzo filled with $2 million dollars in small bills.

Gary Bunda:
I changed my summon word. And you're condemned to hell, 'cause this wasn't about pandas at all. [laughs] Boo-yah.

Satan:
Foghorn Leghorn and Stewie from "Family Guy."

Gary Bunda:
Big gets.

Satan:
You stupid f***.

Satan:
It's ripped. There's a piece missing. Where is it?

Gary Bunda:
Oh, no sorry. I got that.

[Gary realizes he left his card again while teleporting back from the teenager's house]

Gary Bunda:
There's a hole in my pants.

[Gary Bunda randomly teleports to a church]

Gary Bunda:
Oh, no.

[The Preist shakes holy water onto Gary]

Priest:
Dominus Santi!

Gary Bunda:
Ow! Ow!

Priest:
Christi Crux Est Mea Lux!

Gary Bunda:
Ow! Ow! Stop it! How did you get my summonword?

Priest:
Leftover Salmon message boards!

Satan:
Did you lose your summon word again?

Gary Bunda:
No. Absolutely not. I would never do that.

Claude:
It sure looks like it.

Gary Bunda:
Claude, you Judas --

[Gary transports to a supremacist cult]

Gary Bunda:
Please, do you have an aspirin?

Satan:
Turns out that there was one real name on your soul sheet.

Gary Bunda:
Sweet.

Satan:
This is your mother's maiden name right?

[Satan shows the password "Schmickler38" which shows that Gary's Mom would used so Satan can summon his Mom with her password]

Gary Bunda:
Mom?

Gary's Mom:
Aaaaaaah!

Gary Bunda:
Mama, no!

Gary's Mom:
Aaaaaaah!

Gary Bunda:
Stop yelling! Stop yelling! You're embarrassing me!

Claude:
What part of "I want those testicles crushed" do you not understand? And I want it done with an anvil this time.

Claude:
What do you mean you can't find an anvil? They have them in cartoons all the time. Just get it done, or I'm gonna crush your nuts with an anvil. And I'll be able to get that signed off by the big guy. Don't you worry.

Claude:
By the way, how's your wife, man? Yeah, she's gorgeous. Tig ol' bitties.

Claude:
I've been having these weird dreams recently. Uh-huh. No, it's like I'm in my high school, but it's it is my high school, and that's the weird thing, 'cause it's --

Claude:
What can I do for you? I'm very, very busy.

Gary Bunda:
You know how Satan says that I need to ramp it up a bit? Well, you follow hockey, right?

Claude:
No.

Gary Bunda:
Check it out. Look at this.

Claude:
"Hail Satin"? You mean, like, the material?

Gary Bunda:
I take this to the hockey playoffs. The camera cuts to me, right? And I'm like [grunting] showing the sign, right? Got my shirt off, right? Then I blow my brains out with a shotgun. Start a whole chain of people thinking that that is a cool thing to do.

Claude:
Gary...please. Um, don't take this personally. But nobody wants to imitate a doughy, ugly...dumb, 33-year old...loser. It's just not aspirational.

Gary Bunda:
Well, the thing is, is that I don't think I can return this wig.

Claude:
Gary, you know what dazzles? Broadway...musical.

Gary Bunda:
You know what we could do is we could talk to those "rent" guys, 'cause they're down here, right? 'Cause they died of AIDS.

[Claude not amused]

Gary Bunda:
I didn't really want to say it out loud, 'cause AIDS will come find you.

Claude:
AIDS won't...find you if you say it.

Gary Bunda:
It's like "Nightmare on Elm Street."

Claude:
No.

Gary Bunda:
Finds you in your dreams. AIDS comes.

Claude:
What are you talking about?

Gary Bunda:
Can't go to sleep.

Claude:
It's a disease.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, okay. I thought it was, like, a body insect.

Claude:
You're a f***ing moron, and you're annoying me right now, okay?

Gary Bunda:
So, you mean to tell me that this this..."musical" is gonna open up on... [singing] broadwaaaaaaaaay?

Claude:
No. Didn't say that.

Tiffany:
I took eight Intestillax supporters, because acting is not pretend.

Chrous Student #1:
Were you ever in any movies?

Tiffany:
That wasn't really my trip. My breasts did appear in "Aerobicide 2," though I was told that they would be framed out.

Tiffany:
If makeup is applying fake blood to your breasts and your buttocks, you can bet your bottom dollar that both of those will appear in the shot.

Gary Bunda:
Boogety-boogety!

Tiffany:
I saw you crouching in the back.

Gary Bunda:
I suck at this!

Tiffany:
When I sold my soul for a career in basic cable, Satan promised me a big break. For 12 years, people have yelled "Getting soft down there!" at me.

Gary Bunda:
Well, it's closer to 20, but --

Tiffany:
It's just that I know that I can do so much more than ads for Stool Softener.

Gary Bunda:
And that's why you have been chosen to take Satan's life story to the stage.

Gary Bunda:
Actually, you know, I always thought that, like, demon and reamin' were a good rhyme scheme.

Tiffany:
Okay.

Gary Bunda:
Do you know, getting, like, reamed? Like, up your ass? You know, when you get reamed by three demons -- When it's a triple-team reamin'?

Gary Bunda:
[singing while playing piano] I'm screamin' from my triple demon reamin'

Gary Bunda:
It's..It's a thing. I just get reamed a lot in hell, so it's -- I guess "Write what you know." That's what they say.

Josh:
Baby, I don't think I'm gonna be able to sneak out tonight. I've..I've got that science-fair project, and Mom and Dad keep asking me about all that jewelry you bought me.

Tiffany:
Fine. You know what? Just stay home. Be a little boy. Because what I need is a man.

Josh:
Okay. Alright. Later.

Tiffany:
Oh, you know what? Just f***ing go! Now!

Josh:
I am. I-I'm going.

Tiffany:
No, wait! Do you need a ride? Wait, no! I think I'm pregnant!

[Tiffany sees a man looking at her confused]

Tiffany:
What the f*** are you looking at?!

Claude:
Think you can comp us some tickets?

Gary Bunda:
Absolutely, yeah. You want, uh, plus-one? Plus-two?

Claude:
Plus-202.

Gary Bunda:
I'm not really sure if the media room can hold all that. Do you think you guys can, like, double it up?

Claude:
What do you mean, like, two to a set? What does that...how would that work?

Gary Bunda:
It's easy you know? You sit on top of each other.

Claude:
Are...what the f*** are you talking about?

[Tiffany shows the principal a satanic themed play]

Principal Jerry:
May I ask what this is?

Tiffany:
It's my new musical.

Principal Jerry:
Tiffany, I cannot allow you to stage a satanic-themed musical in a public high school. I'm sorry.

Tiffany:
You don't like what I have to say, Jerry?

Principal Jerry:
What's wrong with doing "Grease"? People like "Grease."

Tiffany:
Oh, I have had it with you noncreatives! I am out of here, and you can suspend me with pay.

[Principal Jerry was not amused that Tiffany was acting out leaving the room begging to accept her play]

Principal Jerry:
Okay. Let's do that.

Coach Lindsay:
Now, this Friday, we are doing "Grease." So, for homework, y'all need to memorize this dvd.

Josh:
How are we supposed to know who's playing what character?

Coach Lindasy:
Good eye. You're Travolta. You're the slut. You're the mousy one turns into a slut at the end.

Chorus Student #1:
What key we doing "Beauty School Drop-Out" in?

Coach Lindsay:
Sweet pea, the only key I'm concerned with is the key to the equipment cage.

Gary Bunda:
Okay, this is what we're gonna do. You're gonna stall them, alright? Make them think we're doing "Grease" or something. And then -- Oh, we're gonna show them a show unlike they ain't never seen before!

Lance:
Is that a shotgun?

Gary Bunda:
Yeah. Alright. Now, in act three, after the rumble thing at the boardwalk...

Lance:
Mm-hmm.

Gary Bunda:
...you're gonna take this shotgun, you're gonna say, "Satan, it's all for you!" Then you're gonna blow your brains out!

Lance:
I-I'm not gonna do that.

Gary Bunda:
Yes, you are.

Lance:
No, that's not in "Grease."

Gary Bunda:
You're not gonna -- You don't want to do this?

Lance:
No. Who are you?

Gary Bunda:
[groans]

Gary Bunda:
[to Claude on phone] Yeah, you guys missed a whale of a show.

Eddie:
Is that Claude? Tell him I said hi!

Gary Bunda:
Shh! Shut up! Shut up! Cook!

Gary Bunda:
[to Claude on phone] I wish you could've been there for the thing that you made me write, choreograph, and rehearse for three weeks.

Claude:
Sorry, guy. Dinner ran late. [hangs up]

Satan:
"Hail Stan"?

[Gary torturing by cooking Eddie]

Gary Bunda:
God, you smell awful. Cooking you. Who's gonna eat you? That's my question. It's gonna f***ing be me, isn't it?

Gary Bunda:
"Here, Gary. Have a whole bunch of Eddie, covered in stinky, old jalapeno mayonnaise and big chunks of black bread from the viking era."

Gary Bunda:
Mmm. Actually, you know what? Now that I'm, like, talking about it -- With a good, whole-grain mustard.

Gary Bunda:
I knew we should've put some rosemary underneath your tits.

Gary Bunda:
You guys want the inside line on what's going on in today's meeting?

Dizzay:
What?

Gary Bunda:
Layoffs.

Dizzay:
Man, be for real. Ain't no layoffs coming.

Gary Bunda:
Layoffs, and they're doing it by weight. So I think I'm gonna be the first one. That's what Claude said. I've been eating dirt and rocks like a chicken does for, like, digestion 'cause it's making me heavier.

Satan:
I'm sure you've all heard the rumors by now about the possible layoffs. They're not true.

[Satan sees the water dispenser has been drank half of it]

Satan:
Looks about a gallon low there, Eddie.

Eddie:
Oh, no, it's, uh, it's hot down here, sir. It's probably evaporation.

[Satan gives Eddie the dead eyes]

Eddie:
Okay. Maybe I took a tiny, tiny sip.

[Eddie explodes through disappointment]

Satan:
I'm sorry, where was I?

Claude:
Positive reinforcement.

Satan:
Positive reinforcement. Thank you, Claude.

Claude:
You're very welcome.

Satan:
You all have 24 hours up on earth to harvest as many souls as you can.

Satan:
First place -- All the sweet, sweet water you can drink. And for the rest of you, a slumber party in the break room.

Gary Bunda:
Break room sucks.

Gary Bunda:
Knock knock.

Claude:
Can I help you?

Gary Bunda:
The Hellmouth's open.

Claude:
Yeah. I'll get up there this afternoon. I got to go talk to H.R.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, is it sexual-harassment claim?

Claude:
No.

Gary Bunda:
I had to do that with the masturbating spider from...and then guess who they sent to interview me.

Claude:
The masturbating spider.

Gary Bunda:
Then he held me down, and he, like, masturbated all over me. And I was like, "Guys, this is a conflict of interest."

[Gary then steals Claude's stapler]

Claude:
Bring that back.

Gary Bunda (as Jeff Smith):
Young lady! Young lady! Have you considered selling your soul to the devil?

Dizzay (as Young Woman):
Yo, I was gonna ask you the same thing. Come on, man.

Gary Bunda (as Jeff Smith):
Diz, I'm working undercover, too. Oh, hey, guy. Hey, guy. What if I could make you're wildest dreams come true? And you're Benji.

Dizzay:
We already got this mall staked out, playa.

Gary Bunda:
You serious about that?

Dizzay:
Ay, you better watch your tone with me.

[Gary Bunda tries to convince old people at a retirement home]

Gary Bunda:
Who wants to be young again? Imagine all night at the club, drinking and dancing, pretty, tight, young people grinding against you, you know? I mean, not so much him, but there's a clipboard going around.

[cuts to next scene where he get kicked out at the retirement home showing the security guard that the old people have tried to sign they're souls]

Gary Bunda:
You can tell a lot about a person by their handwriting. I'm sorry. I'll give you your space.

Young Wife:
Don't you want juicy? Yes, you do.

Gary Bunda (as Baby):
You know, actually, I'm good on juice. You know, Satan loves kids, and not just to eat. And if you could maybe hit my ass with that wet wipe over there, we could talk about if Hell's right for you.

Gary Bunda:
I got you triple sec. They only had coconut, but -- [sees Dizzay selling a soul from a homeless man] Diz! Come on, man. You saw me talking to him.

Dizzay:
I didn't see your name on him.

Gary Bunda:
It's rude to write your name on a human.

Lucas:
You're telling me I'm gonna get $100,000 and all I have to do is burn in hell for an eternity?

Gary Bunda:
That's all you have to do.

Lucas:
Where do I sign?

Gary Bunda:
Oh, thank you! Thank you so much! Oh, yes. Just sign right there.

Lucas:
No, dumbass. Do you understand I have a chance to win $1 million, and all I have to do is click on this ad for swaggerchat.com?

Gary Bunda:
Swaggerchat.com? What does that do?

Lucas:
It tweets transcripts of all your conversations. [reads on computer] "Lucas -- It tweets transcripts of all your conversations." Boom. That just blasted on the worldwide web.

Gary Bunda:
Dude, that sounds, uh, awesome. What is a tweet?

Gary Bunda:
And with your signature, there's gonna be loads of things that become available, like the fun zone!

[shows the Fun Zone as a broken place]

Gary Bunda:
With the cellphone pictures, I'm gonna have to say no. It's the one rule we got. I said it before, and I can --

Kyle:
What's that?

[cuts to the scene where an employee is tied up with a giant spider]

Gary Bunda:
We better go.

[The Spider then masturbates as he watches them]

Gary Bunda:
And we're walking.

Gary Bunda:
Right over here is where Jeffery Dahmer used to sit until they made him crawl up inside own penis.

Kamal:
Gary, you know you're not supposed to bring mortals down here.

Gary Bunda:
Ah, this is Kyle. He is a definite maybe. What do you say, my big boy? Huh, you like it?

Kyle:
I'll think about it.

Gary Bunda:
[menacing] That's not what you said at the Slipknot show.

Kyle:
How do I get to earth?

Kamal:
I can take care of that.

[Kyle transported]

Gary Bunda:
Just like I felt a gust of wind.

Kamal:
Yeah. Look, I just send him to the middle of China.

Gary & Kamal:
[laughter]

Gary Bunda:
Seriously, though, keep track of him because he seemed pretty into it.

Claude:
Swaggerchat.com. I created it. It tweets transcripts of your conversations in exchange for your soul. You see, no one ever reads the terms and conditions.

Claude:
Someone named Gary Coolboobs signed up for our service. I wonder who that could be.

Gary Bunda:
I'm not Gary Coolboobs, but if I was, then I wouldn't want someone to be reading my private thoughts.

[The Swaggerchat website literally copy Gary's words while he talks]

Claude:
"Gary -- I farted, " And that's multiple times throughout the day out loud to various people you didn't know. It's also written in there, just "Pfft."

Gary Bunda:
Well, I still got four more hours left, and this gonna be one hell of a horse race, boy, 'cause I'm riding a cheetah.

[cuts to the next scene where Gary lays down on the floor in misery in Kamal's office]

Kamal:
Okay, so what? Claude has a few thousand souls.

Gary Bunda:
680,000 souls. He's so much better than me. He's so much more traditionally handsome.

Kamal:
Remember me when I got here? I was Muslim. No virgin, no date tree, no river of milk.

Gary Bunda:
Just a bunch of dirty milk in the field.

Kamal:
It's not -- It's clean milk, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
Fish just flopping around --

Kamal:
There's no fish in the milk, Gary. You're overlooking the virgins and dates.

Gary Bunda:
Virgins aren't good in bed. Dates are dumb apples.

Kamal:
I came here, and somebody helped me, showed me around, cushioned the blow, and that person was you, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
It was me.

Kamal:
Yeah, it was you, and that's the problem. You're too damn nice.

[Kamal gives Gary a USB hard drive of a severed thumb version]

Gary:
[screams] No! What did you do to him? What did you do?

Kamal:
[laughs] It's a thumb drive. Get it? Like thumb? Like, look.

Gary Bunda:
That's so cute.

Kamal:
It is a real thumb, though.

[Gary drops the thumb drive]

[Gary's voice mail on Kamal's phone]

Gary Bunda:
I'm sorry, K-dawg. I couldn't steal Claude's souls. They were right there for me to take, like a bunch of innocent young girls, alright, but it's just not the Gary Way.

Gary Bunda:
I'm back up top. I've still got a couple of hours left. Satan never specified they had to be human souls, so this guy's going to the pet store. Booyah-ka-sha!

Satan:
Grand-prize winner of Soul-apalooza is...Gary.

Satan:
I'm f***ing with you. It's Claude. Yeah, baby.

Claude:
It's all for you, Satan.

Satan:
Come get the water, man. All the water you can take. I mean drink. Have you ever been waterboarded?

Claude:
What?

[Claude starts to get waterboarded in the office]

Satan:
Yeah. Has anyone done this before? Wikipedia keeps taking the instructions down.

Claude:
What the hell! You're eyes should've been ripped out hours ago!

Eddie:
I know, I know. I was able to chew my legs off by myself, but I-I can't get my teeth around my eyes.

Benji:
Yeah, the Gary's completely M.I.A. They dredged the lake of lost souls for him.

Spider:
Lagooooon...[laughs]

Benji:
Nope. He's not in The Diarrhea Lagoon, either. I'm telling you, I'm worried about the guy. [chuckles] Hey, what are doing back there?

Spider:
Eggs. [laughs]

Benji:
[laughs] Laying eggs? Okay, then.

Dizzay:
Well, don't piss on me. That's wide open over there.

Kamal:
I'm sorry, but I really can't piss unless someone is watching.

[Satan tries to bring back Gary by using Gary's Summon word]

Satan:
Schmickler83. Schmickler83! Nothing.

Kamal:
[nervously] Maybe his file is corrupt.

Satan:
Only your buddy, Gary? Only his files are corrupted?

Kamal:
Yeah.

Satan:
Why don't I believe you, Kamal?

Kamal:
Please, don't turn my hands into d*cks, whatever you do. I just don't want -- Please --

[Satan turns Kamal's hands into d*cks]

Satan:
I turned them into flaming d*cks, but the d*cks are burning already. And...I'm distracted. I'm sorry. That -- They should've just been regular d*cks. I'm sorry they're burnt.

Gary Bunda:
I've had the Sherbet, I've had the Cherry-Chocolate Chip, I've had the Black Raspberry, I've had the Rum Raisin, I've had the Vanilla, I've had the Caramel Swirl, I've had the Strawberry Pistachio. It's like the nut, right? Does it have any nuts in it? I don't remember.

Ice Cream Man:
You've burned through all of our sample spoons.

Gary Bunda:
Why don't you just, uh, rinse a couple of these off, huh? How hard is that?

Gary Bunda:
The samples are free, though, right?

Ice Cream Man:
Yes.

Gary Bunda:
See, that's where I got you legally. Please bear with me, and let me get just one more run of all of them.

[One of the Thin Twins burning the rock]

Kamal:
He's burning that rock. That rock was already on fire!

Claude:
Is that Psyklone?

Kamal:
And the Thin Twins, yes.

Claude:
I'm gonna go introduce myself.

Dizzay:
Man, are you crazy? Sit your ass down.

[Dizzay sees Kamal's hand-burnt d*cks]

Dizzay:
Is that my dick on your hand?

Gary Bunda:
Geoff! Gary's back in tow-ow-ow-ow-ow-n.

[Geoff concerned]

Gary Bunda:
They can't find me, dude, alright? They don't know their ass from their elbow down there.

Gary Bunda:
I got bible pages taped to my legs, I put garlic in my shoes, and I've got pie pans on my feet because Satan can't see through lead.

Geoff:
Isn't that Superman? Superman can't see through lead?

Gary Bunda:
I'm pretty sure that Satan has it, as well.

Geoff:
Are those even lead?

Gary Bunda:
It's close enough.

Gary Bunda:
Look, everybody knows that we don't get along, right?

Geoff:
Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
So no one's gonna come looking for me if I'm staying with my step-brother...

Geoff:
No.

Gary Bunda:
...on his futon in his basement.

Geoff:
No. No, no, no, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. Look, look, look, look, right? Postcards. Take this postcard, put it up on the fridge, right? It all says I'm in Hawaii.

Geoff:
Yeah, this says Atlanta, Gary. They all say Atlanta.

Gary Bunda:
I know that. It's 'cause they don't sell Hawaii postcards in Atlanta, and I went and I told them, "You need something from every state, because you don't know where you're gonna be, and where you're gonna need to tell people that you are at."

Gary Bunda:
I love Karen. I love that you love Karen. And I love Karen. I love Karen. But she's kind of a steamrolling b*tch.

Geoff:
Excuse me?

Gary Bunda:
I mean -- No, I mean she's cool. She's cool. She's never believed in me, but she's cool. She's sweet, in her way. She's very mean in a fun way.

Gary Bunda:
[voice breaking] Life gave me a second chance, alright? And I'm gonna do it better this time.

Geoff:
Are you gonna be religious? Huh? Now that you know what you know about how he died for your sins?

Gary Bunda:
Maybe. Sure. But do you remember that food-cart idea I had? This is my new religion.

Geoff:
Chili-Cone Gary.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah.

Geoff:
Is that chili in an ice-cream cone?

Gary Bunda:
First you get that crunch, then you get that sweet, then you get that savory chili-powder taste. It's gonna be the next ice cream!

Claude:
[to Gary on phone] Gary, listen carefully --

Gary Bunda:
Claude? How do you get this number? I just got this phone!

Claude:
You're advertising your stupid chili cone idea everywhere.

[Gary gets called by an unnamed woman speaker person which actually turns out to be one of the Thin Twins that has a sultry woman voice]

Thin Twin #1:
Hi, Gary. I'm a local venture capitalist, and your Chili Cone Gary really captured my imagination.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah. Yes, yeah. I was, uh -- You know, I wanted to eat some chili, but I didn't have any crackers, right? but I did have a whole sleeve of ice-cream cones.

Thin Twin #1:
Yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm very wealthy, and I want to buy your stupid idea. I do. Just text me your address, and I'll zip by with $1 million.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. This is the thing, though, $1 million is only gonna get 51% in Chili Cone. 'Cause lots of food can go in cones. You got stews...

Thin Twin #1:
Oh, yeah.

Gary Bunda:
...You got soups.

Thin Twin#1:
Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
You could put corn in a cone.

Thin Twin #1:
You're so smart. I can't wait to just pick your brains.

Gary Bunda:
One thing is non-negotiable. I will be designing the t-shirts.

[Gary gets caught by Psyklone & The Thin Twins at Geoff's house]

Thin Twin #1:
[happily] Gary, get in here! [laughs]

Gary Bunda:
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You think I'm Gary? That's insulting.

Gary Bunda:
[laughs] Gary's in Hawaii having a great time. Right, Geoff? 'Cause we got all those postcards that you put up from Gary from Hawaii, right?

Gary Bunda:
Let me introduce myself. Uhhh, I am Geoff's human friend.

Psyklone:
Let's go, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
I'm ready to go, yes. But, uh, make sure, I got to give these pie pans back to Geoff, 'cause they belong to him. He owns them. Here's some garlic in your eye! Yeah! Take that! Yeah! You stupid b*tches!

[Claude saves Gary from the bounty hunters with a twist]

Claude:
Come on! Come on! Hurry up!

Gary Bunda:
It's you! It's you, buddy! Thank god you came!

Claude:
Buckle up.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, man, that's a lot of buckles. But good. I feel safe. Oh, they're coming, man! They're coming! Just gun it! Get it! Gun it!

Claude:
No, we still got to wait on them.

Gary Bunda:
[realizes] Oh, come on, man!

Psyklone:
I'll take the middle.

Thin Twin #1:
There's no room. There's no leg room.

Claude:
You guys need some more room? You guys okay back there?

Thin Twin #1:
Do you mind inching your seat up a little bit? I got Sciatica.

Gary Bunda:
Hey, why don't you use another voice in your repertoire? Because that sexy-woman voice is getting real old.

Thin Twin #1:
You think I sound like a woman?

Psyklone:
Come on, now, that's his regular voice.

Claude:
Geez, Gary, that's his regular voice.

Gary Bunda:
At least I said it was a sexy voice.

Claude:
Shut up, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
I really like the beard.

Satan:
Really?

Gary Bunda:
Yeah.

Satan:
I like it, man.

Gary Bunda:
It's a really great way to hide a weak chin.

[Satan gets offended]

Gary Bunda:
[gasps] I don't think you have a weak chin. I have it -- One. I do. You know?

Claude:
Psyklone and the Thin Twins were having a little bit of trouble.

Thin Twin #2:
Oh, please.

Thin Twin #1:
That is not how I remember it.

Claude:
I just came in and managed it a bit more.

Psyklone:
Managed my ass.

Claude:
Satan, I think I can take on a bigger role, do more of the hands-on stuff.

Satan:
Hm. Yeah, Claude, I like that. Little more hands-on with Gary. And a little more feets-on with Gary.

Claude:
I don't understand.

Gary Bunda:
What is feets on?

[cuts to the next scene where Gary and Claude got merged with their hands and feet]

Gary Bunda:
I didn't really expect him to do this. With the, you know, putting the fingertips and toes, merging them. Did you expect him to do this when he took his shoes, he said "Hey, take your shoes off"?

Claude:
Yes. Just pick up the pace, okay?

Gary Bunda:
Okay. You know, it could be, like, mad worse. He could do that "Human Centipede" thing to us.

Kamal:
No! No, Gary! Satan doesn't know about the [sees Satan] mo-mo-movie.

Satan:
"Human Centipede." What is that?

Gary Bunda:
Ohh, "Human Centipede".

Claude:
No.

Gary Bunda:
It's this crazy documentary I saw...

Claude:
No, No.

Gary Bunda:
...that's got a German scientist, and he takes this Asian and these two naked chicks, right, and he sews up their mouths to their buttholes, right, and then they eat each other's dookies.

Gary Bunda:
The thing is, like, scientifically, you could eat somebody else's dookies for like two months 'cause there's enough nutrients.

Satan:
Dookie.

Gary Bunda:
It's pretty good. You'll like it.

Satan:
Butthole to mouth, huh? Check that out.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah. [realizes] Oh, no. We're gonna be eating dookies.

Claude:
Why do I have to go to the bathroom all of a sudden?

Gary Bunda:
I went. I just wanted to see if our d*cks were attached, and...

Claude:
They are.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah.

Benji:
Mmm! That beef jerky sure looks good, doesn't it, Jimmy? Look at that filthy immigrant fiddling with his herbal cigarettes. Why not just slip it in your pants? Who's going to know?

Benji:
It's like taking beef jerky from a baby, or in this a convenience store. And you're in and out before that pesky angel even got a word in edgewise.

Angel #1:
What did I miss?

Benji:
Too little, too late, goody two shoes.

Benji:
It's easy when you remember these simple steps. Just use the acronym "T.E.M.P.T.U.R.D.T.S." "T" -- Teleport. "E" -- Evaluate. This guys wants that jerky, but he doesn't have the money.

Benji:
M.P. -- Make a plan. I'm gonna tell this guy to put that jerky in his pants. "T" again -- Tell the plan. Put that jerky in your pants.

Benji:
"U" -- Up-Sell. Hey, wouldn't it be fun to bind, torture, and kill that guy? That way, you have all the jerky you want and that beer.

[the teenager disagrees of doing it]

Benji:
We'll get him next time.

Benji:
"R" -- Remember to always stay on the right shoulder, which is the left shoulder. The correct shoulder is the left. The right shoulder is the angel's domain.

Angel #1:
But you're on the right shoulder.

Benji:
Ah, ah, ah. D.T. -- Do not talk to the angel.

Demon Teacher:
Now, I know you're all pumped up, but don't go turning your belts on just yet.

Gary Bunda:
Mine's a little snug.

Demon Teacher:
I said don't turn it on!

Gary Bunda:
Is it on? Ooh.

Demon Teacher:
How did it go? Did you evaluate? Do the up-sell?

Gary Bunda:
I got to get back to her. She had already stolen a bunch of fresh peaches and put them under her shirt...from a cantaloupe store.

Demon Teacher:
[demon voice] YOU LIAAAAAAAAR!

Gary Bunda:
Um, okay. Make a plan. We are in a...restaurant. Pull your wiener out. Um, pull your wiener out! And when you got your -- When your -- Wave it -- Wave it around like a helicopter.

Angel #2:
You've been here for two hours working on your screenplay, and you're just going to round up on the tip?

Gary Bunda:
Two hours? How do you know that?

Angel #2:
Work order. Why don't you make that 1 into a 9?

Gary Bunda:
Why don't you take that 9 and make it into a...gross wiener?

Claude:
Spit in that guy's food. He looks like a dick.

Gary Bunda:
My guy's about to dine and dash, so...but you got to make sure she voids that credit-card transaction, and then you dash.

Claude:
That looks like a $9 tip.

Gary Bunda:
It's less than 20%.

Claude:
It's 23%.

Gary Bunda:
That's what I said. It's less than 25%.

Claude:
You're supposed to tip 20%.

Gary Bunda:
It used to be 20%.

Claude:
It used to be 15%.

Gary Bunda:
It used to be 15% and then it used to be 20%, and now it's 25%, right? And it keeps getting higher and higher. Next week, I'm gonna be serving food to a waiter.

Gary Bunda:
What is that? What is that, Pirate Vampires?

Angel #2:
Call it "Vampirates."

Gary Bunda:
That's a great idea.

Angel #2:
I took a class.

Demon Teacher:
Did you do the up-sell?

Gary Bunda:
He's gonna go over there, and he's gonna touch that, uh -- That kid's, uh, wiener.

Demon Teacher:
No, he's not. You didn't evaluate, mister.

Angel #2:
Can you help him? He needs help.

Gary Bunda:
He got a work order.

Gary Bunda:
Okay, um, um, evaluate. Um, oh. Hmm. That mole really should be looked at. You should get that checked out.

Angel #2:
Boy, he's right. It looks irregular.

Angel #2:
Also, don't steal that money.

Gary Bunda:
Do steal the money from the plate a-a-and spit in the plate so when the priest touches it, he gets it all over his hands.

Angel #2:
Geez, that's a recipe for hepatitis.

Gary Bunda:
Pull out your long boobies, and I want you swing 'em around like a bunch of maces.

Angel #2:
Oh, groovy.

Gary Bunda:
Wave your boobies around!

[Gary gets transported back to office while still making a plan from shoulder working]

Gary Bunda:
Go over and make that kid hard. Go touch his penis. Go touch that kid's pe-- [realizes he's already in the office]

Gary Bunda:
I've, like, been in this room for a while, right?

Demon Teacher:
She's going to the dermatologist now. That monstrosity was precancerous. You might have saved her life, you chubnut.

Gary Bunda:
Maybe she'll go on to live and kill a bunch of priests.

Satan:
You were up there yakking it up with that f***ing angel, weren't you?

Satan:
Your buddy Claude here has been crushing it. Got somebody to throw a dog off a bridge.

Claude:
I did.

Satan:
Gary thinks that angel is better than him.

Gary Bunda:
No. It's -- I mean, that angel went to heaven, and he didn't commit some horrible sin that sent them all here, but --

Satan:
Claude is ready for premium shoulders. You got no fire!

Gary Bunda:
I got fire!

Satan:
I want you in their ears telling them what to do and how to do it!

Gary Bunda:
Hot fire! I tell people what to do, and they do it well!

Satan:
Get up there.

Gary Bunda:
Whoo!

Satan:
I want you to show me!

Gary Bunda:
Why don't you come here? Why don't you turn on my belt? And I'm gonna go down there, and I'm gonna crush this.

[One of Satan's fingernails got clipped when he touches Gary's belt to transport him for another chance]

Satan:
Damn it. I lost a nail. Everyone look around. I lost a nail.

Claude:
Guys, find it! Now! Find it!

Gary Bunda:
Ah, okay, teleport. Done. "E" -- Evaluate. Okay, dark crawl space. Ah. Take that headless mannequin and throw it in the puddle over there and ruin it.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah. Just drag it over to the...[sees a dead body] Is that blood? Is that straight blood?

Angel #2:
There's always time to ask God's forgiveness.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, my...what are you -- What are you doing with that? No, dude, what are you...?

Angel #2:
Mnh. Put the head down.

Gary Bunda:
Put the head down!

[the Officer kisses the severed head]

Gary Bunda:
HOLY SH*T! WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?!

Angel #2:
[happily] I cannot get through to this one.

Gary Bunda:
What is he...get me out of here!

Gary Bunda:
[crying] People have been cutting people's heads off. And then they go -- And they're kissing them like they're a make-out buddy. And then I was gonna talk to him about messing a up mannequin.

Gary Bunda:
And the guy -- You went down to talk to him about not stopping, and I don't know which way up or down is!

Angel #2:
I know someone who knows what's up and down. Can I tell you a story about how I allowed Jesus Christ into my life?

Gary Bunda:
That sounds boring, but sure.

Gary Bunda:
Have you heard the good news today? Jesus Christ has a plan for all of us.

Dizzay:
Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

Gary Bunda:
I gave my soul to Jesus Christ. I've never been happier.

Dizzay:
Gary, you -- You a demon, man.

Gary Bunda:
Come, pray with me. It's okay. It's okay.

Dizzay:
Gary. Gary, Gary, I don't feel comfortable.

Satan:
You haven't got a soul to give to christ, you ham-headed f***.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, well, isn't my soul in one of those big jars that you got? I think it would be super-cool if maybe --

Satan:
No, no, no, no! They are laughing at us up in heaven, Gary. You got punked.

Gary Bunda:
Ollie says that angels never lie.

Satan:
What -- What was his name?

Gary Bunda:
Ollie.

Satan:
What's his last name?

Gary Bunda:
Tabooger.

Satan:
S-Say -- Say his name again.

Gary Bunda:
Ollie Tabooger.

Satan:
Again.

Gary Bunda:
Ollie Tabooger. Well, his name's Oliver, but he goes by Ollie...Tabooger.

Claude:
I'll...eat...a...booger, Gary?

Gary Bunda:
That's disgusting, Claude. The fact that you eat your boogers and then publicly announce that you eat your...[realizes Ollie's name was a joke]

Gary Bunda:
Eff this! Eff it! Eff you, Ollie, If that's even your name!

Satan:
This is the Angel Slayer, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
Whoa. It's like anime.

Satan:
My own personal weapon for armageddon. You are going to take this and ram it into that feathery f***. You got me? No talk. No discussion. You just ram it into his spine!

Gary Bunda:
That's a really intense prank, but I can do that.

Gary Bunda:
Alright, jump! Don't jump. Don't jump...till I'm gone. Then you can jump. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Angel #2:
He's not going to jump. He just comes up here to spit loogies on people. Don't do that by the way. It's gross.

[Gary tries to kill the angel by grabbing the Angel's ring]

Gary Bunda:
I just wanted to say thank you so much for teaching me about the righteous path. It really worked out for me...while I was down in hell!

Angel #2:
Happy to help. Stay on your side, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
No! I want to pray together, Ollie...Tabooger. What kind of name is that? Is it Scotch Irish?

Gary Bunda:
You know, I was thinking maybe you could change your name to You'll-Eat-A-Damn-Booger!

[Gary finally killed the Angel's domain and shows the Satan and employees how he does it]

Gary Bunda:
I guess I'll be sleeping on a goose-down pillow tonight. Hey, let's put it up on the screen. I want to see it. I want all you guys to see how I made a guy jump off a building because of what I said to him.

[shows the first part of the video where Gary drops Satan's Angel slayer]

Gary Bunda:
Just fast-forward past this part.

[shows another part of the video where there's another guy having Claude on his shoulder standing next to the man who spits on people]

Claude:
Come on. Push him. They'll think he slipped.

[the Man pushes spitting guy off the building]

Erick:
Stop spitting loogies on people!

Claude:
My work order said that my guy had been annoyed for months.

Gary Bunda:
How'd you get a work order?

Claude:
I just asked for one.

Satan:
You know, Gar, I don't think I can trust you on shoulders.

Gary Bunda:
That's cool 'cause uh, I have been meaning to say this to you for a while, but I think you're a good guy, but I don't think I've had the best management. And I don't think you're the best manager.

Gary Bunda:
I just felt like I needed to say that.

Satan:
Hmm.

Gary Bunda:
Give you some feedback. I'm glad this is an open work environment.

Satan:
You like dogs, Gary?

Gary Bunda:
Puppies!

[cuts to next scene where Gary has a hard time trying to communicate with a dog]

Gary Bunda:
Lick your balls. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if that's a problem with your moral compass.

Gary Bunda:
I'm still waiting on an angel. It feels like I've been here 45 minutes waiting on an angel, unless they don't waste one on stupid dogs!

Gary Bunda:
You know how they say that all dogs go to heaven? They don't. Sometimes they go to hell.

Jett Copperhead:
What's your name, son?

Jimmy:
Jimmy.

Jett Copperhead:
Jimmy. And how'd you lose your legs, Jimmy? Gulf War? Vietnam?

Jimmy:
Diabetes.

Jett Copperhead:
Diabetes. The most american disease there is.

Jett Copperhead:
Ma'am! Ma'am! You support the troops, don't you?

Park Woman:
Well, yeah, but I'm just here running.

Jett Copperhead:
Hey. It's only gonna take a second, okay? You stand right there. And I need you to relax.

Park Woman:
Okay.

Jett Copperhead:
This is only gonna take a second. Ooh! Breathe in for me, Amy.

[Jett rips both of the park woman's arms]

Jett Copperhead:
Kapoohame!

Jett Copperhead:
For all that you have done for this country, Copperhead!

[Jett puts the disarmed arms from the park woman and put the parts as legs for the retired veteran]

Jett Copperhead:
Now, I want you to stand up.

Jimmy:
I can't stand so good.

Gary Bunda:
I know what a computer is, Claude.

Claude:
Do you, Gary? Then what is it?

Gary Bunda:
It's a typewriter with porn in it.

Satan:
I'm such an a**hole.

Gary Bunda:
[laughs] You are a f***ing a**hole.

[Satan gets offended again]

Gary Bunda:
I respect you.

Satan:
Jett. Wake up.

Jett Copperhead:
Oh, hey!

[Gary kicks Jett's hand for Satan's protection]

Gary Bunda:
Just don't go anywhere near him!

Satan:
Don't touch me.

Jett Copperhead:
I made an old gal disappear, and I can't get her back. I mean, did you have to make my powers go away in the middle of a ding-dang show?

Satan:
Four years was the ding-dang deal, Jett. Should've kept a day planner.

Satan:
Did you put your savings in a low-cost index fund as I had suggested?

Jett Copperhead:
[crying] I bet it all on a basketball game!

Satan:
It's time to come home, Jett. Maybe you got some sleeping pills to take with that booze.

Jett Copperhead:
I just need one more month of magic. That's it. Just one more month. I got to leave something for my kids!

Satan:
One more month. I want one more soul. One of your kids.

Jett Copperhead:
Come on! I only got the two!

Claude:
And your wife. Price just went up.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, yeah. And your cleaning woman, as well. And I'd also like some merch because I'm really starting to think that bobbleheads is a cool collection.

[Jett gives one of his kid's souls to sign for the devil on backstage]

Jett Copperhead:
Alright, sign here, Dakota.

North Dakota:
Right here?

Jett Copperhead:
Alright. I just want you to initial there. Yeah.

South Dakota:
I want to sign.

Jett Copperhead:
No. Not you, South Dakota. You're good, you understand me? You're not signing anything, baby. You're my precious, little boy.

Jett Copperhead:
[to North Dakota] Did you sign that?

North Dakota:
Yeah.

Jett Copperhead:
Okay. [to South Dakota] My precious, precious boy --

Jett's Wife:
Honey? Why does this talk about our immortal soul?

Jett Copperhead:
Baby, don't read that. It's just life insurance. You know how them pinheaded lawyers are. "In the known universe," "In perpetuity," blah, blah, blah.

Jett's Wife:
It just says that the cleaning lady has to sign, so I just didn't --

Jett Copperhead:
Hey, what can I say? She's like family to me.

Jett's Wife:
Right? She is.

Jett Copperhead:
I want to have an umbrella of safety for everyone.

Satan:
Uh, who's got a pen?

Jett Copperhead:
Anybody got a pen?

Gary Bunda:
I don't have a pen.

Jett Copperhead:
Pen? No? Oh, I think I know where one is.

[Jett magically pulls the pen out of Gary's butt]

Jett Copperhead:
Dipstick! [laughs] Whoa. Looks like you're a quart low.

[Gary sniffs the pen]

Jett Copperhead:
Now, sir, you hate black people. Is that correct?

Citizen:
No, no, no. No, that's not true. No, no, no.

Jett Copperhead:
[laughing] Oh. Come on, sir. You flying with the Jett now. Do you hate black people?

Citizen:
Just a little. I mean, you know, the bad ones.

Jett Copperhead:
Just the bad ones.

Jett Copperhead:
I guess you're gonna have to learn how to hate yourself. Copperhead!

[Jett puts a KKK mask on the citizen's head which transforms his face into a black guy]

Jett Copperhead:
It looks like you just found yourself some rhythm.

Gary Bunda:
He's gonna end racism.

Satan:
What?

Gary Bunda:
He can make you any color, man. So, you don't like to be chinese anymore? Boom, boom, boom. He makes you white.

Claude:
That's racist.

Gary Bunda:
It ends racism. He makes everybody the same.

Claude:
No.

Jett Copperhead:
...If they have a lactation room! Whoo-wee!

[Jett pulls off the citizen's shirt wearing ladies' bra]

Gary Bunda:
Oh, snap! Oh, snap!

Jett Copperhead:
Looks like junior's got Dad's phone. Oh, and he's sending Mama a text. Check your phone, Mama. Are you receiving a text?

Pregnant Woman:
Yes. "Goo, goo, gah, gah. Can I borrow the keys to the car?

Husband:
Get that f***ing cellphone out of my wife.

Jett Copperhead on TV:
Now, some big-city liberals, they'll tell you, "Hey, he ain't real." But I'm here to tell you that he is.

Gary Bunda:
I think it's gonna be a dragon.

Jett Copperhead on TV:
And I think y'all know who I'm talking about...

Gary Bunda:
Or a gorilla. That'd be sweet.

Satan:
No, no. Jett, don't do it. Don't!

Jett Copperhead:
Speak of the devil! Whoo! I got me Satan and two of his little goblins in a cage!

Jett Copperhead:
Do not be alarmed, for this cage is lined with christian crosses to help us double cross the ultimate double crosser.

Jett Copperhead:
I need you to say with me. "Give Jett his soul back."

[Satan and his employees tries to flip the christian cross cage sending them free]

Satan:
Jett! Now the cross are upside down.

Jett Copperhead:
Sh*t. I didn't know that that was a thing.

Satan:
Yeah. It's a thing.

Claude:
Satan wants us to skin you...and turn you inside out...and add a bunch of nerve endings to you, so you're gonna feel what we're about to do to you even more.

Jett Copperhead:
Yeah, I understand. That makes sense. Sure.

Gary Bunda:
But can I ask you one question before I stick this in your penis? How did you put boobies on a man?

[Jett magically stand next to Gary in back of him]

Jett Copperhead:
Just a little thing called misdirection.

Gary Bunda:
What?! How did you do that?

[Gary saw Claude that got magically transported to a torture machine that Jett was in]

Claude:
Doesn't matter how he did it! Fix it! Do something!

[Satan shows up and sees Gary trapped in a box of swords]

Satan:
What's up?

Gary Bunda:
Oh, we had him. We had him for a little bit, but then...

Satan:
He asked you to volunteer, didn't he?

Gary Bunda:
Yeah.

Satan:
Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
And I did. I wanted to be in the show. You know, but then I don't think he's coming back. I don't think he's gonna finish this trick.

Claude:
It says he'll possess ultimate powers of through death.

Satan:
No, no, no. No, no. "Until death." The clause always says until death.

Claude:
Yeah, "Until" was crossed out and changed to "Through." It's initialed.

Satan:
Are you telling me this backwoods idiot has powers equal to mine, and there's nothing I can do about it?

[Satan's tongue magically pulls out colored scarves]

Gary Bunda:
Do you want me to go get the nurse? So many scarves! [laughs]

Satan:
Alright, Jett! I've got your wife and both your kids. I am gonna dump your family in the lava --

Gary Bunda:
We also have your cleaning woman. And you're gonna need to get another. Your house is gonna get all dirty, and you're gonna --

Satan:
Alright, Jett! You leave me no choice! Claude --

Jett Copperhead:
Okay, alright! Fine!

Satan:
What?

Jett Copperhead:
Do it.

Satan:
Oh, we -- We are doing it.

Jett Copperhead:
Do it.

Satan:
We're doing it.

Jett Copperhead:
I hope you do.

Satan:
We are!

Jett Copperhead:
Good!

Satan:
Gonna happen.

Jett Copperhead:
Do it.

Satan:
We're gonna do it.

Jett Copperhead:
Okay.

Satan:
We're doing it.

Jett Copperhead:
Yeah, do it.

Satan:
We're -- We're doing it!

Jett Copperhead:
Do it.

Satan:
Claude --

Jett Copperhead:
Do it.

Satan:
We -- We're doing it.

Jett Copperhead:
Good.

Satan:
We're already doing it.

Jett Copperhead:
Do it.

Satan:
[to Claude] Don't do it.

Satan:
We're doing it! I just -- We got to --

Jett Copperhead:
Do you want me to do it?

Satan:
We're doing it! Do it.

Claude:
Do it?

Satan:
Do it.

Jett Copperhead:
Do it.

[Claude throws Jett's wife and kids into the lava]

Claude:
Watch your step. Come on, guys. Don't worry. It's fake. Just go. Alright, buddy. Life's an illusion. Alright. [South Dakota whips Claude] Hey! Come on, South Dakota. There you go.

[Claude comes back to tell Satan that Jett's family are gone]

Satan:
You watch.

Jett Copperhead:
Do it.

Satan:
It's gonna happen.

Claude:
I, uh, murdered the boys and the mother.

Satan:
Why?

Claude:
You just told me to.

Satan:
I got nothing! I was bluffing!

Jett Copperhead:
Hey, beelzeboob. I never wanted kids in the first place!

Gary Bunda:
We still have his precious cleaning woman.

Cleaning Woman:
Que Sucio.

Satan:
Oh, god. Get her ass out of here.

Gary Bunda:
[to Cleaning Woman] Alright, quit it. Quit it. It's supposed to be dirty.

Gary Bunda:
[to Cleaning Woman] So, yo quiero -- Like, you -- Yo quiero...to, um, you know what I'm trying to say? You quier -- Do you like to clean, eh? Do you like to clean, eh?

[The Cleaning Woman reveals to be Jett Copperhead the whole time]

Gary Bunda:
Oh, sh*t! What happened to her?! What did you do to her?! What did you do?! Rosalina?!

[Gary screams in surprisement and fear]

Satan:
Press the down button, please.

Gary Bunda:
I can't stop screaming I can't stop screaming! Who am I gonna be? Who am I -- Who am I gonna be? [Gary tries to rips his face to see if he's a different person] Who am I gonna -- I think I'm me.

Gary Bunda:
Pretty certain somebody farted in the lemonade, which is actually a relief 'cause it wasn't straight pee-pee.

Gary Bunda:
You know, the fart kind of added a sort of spicy end to it, which is pretty good.

Todd:
Gary!

Gary Bunda:
Todd?

Todd:
Oh, you got to get me out of here, man!

Gary Bunda:
Alright! Sloppy Todd Tuesday.

Todd:
[crying] Gary!

Gary Bunda:
[singing] Sloppy Todd Tuesday, Gary's favorite day.

[The employees saw William get snatch by her wife, Sheila on a demon bird sending them to the real world]

Satan:
Alright, alright. Nothing to see. It's over.

Gary Bunda:
What just happened?!

Satan:
True love, alright? So, everyone just, uh, go back to your sloppy todds.

Gary Bunda:
Is he gone? Like, gone gone.

Claude:
True love can get us out of here?

Satan:
Yeah.

[The employees were surprised and excited]

Satan:
It's a big deal, okay? 'Cause they've got to, like, crawl through a tree stump and beat up a troll and then, like, swim through a bunch of throw-up. It's --

Gary Bunda:
I had a girlfriend who said that she truly loved me, um, but that she wasn't, like, in truly, love with me. And then she had complications with her car. And the steering wheel was all wonky.

Satan:
She was f***ing your brother, Jeff?

Gary Bunda:
Yeah.

Satan:
Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, I found out about the later.

[Benji raises his hand]

Satan:
Uh, no, Benji. A boy that you raped doesn't count. Nice try, though.

Benji:
Aw.

Satan:
You pathetic sh*ts actually think that there's someone up there that loves you, truly loves you? Alright.

Satan:
I'm gonna give you a**holes 48 hours at the surface.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah! Go to the top.

Satan:
See how much true love there is for you up there. Go find it!

Gary Bunda:
Gentleman's weekend in Thailand!

Joanna:
Where are you going?

Claude:
Oh, um, hey, did you see my other penny loafer up there?

Joanna:
I hid it in the ceiling so you wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.

Joanna:
Want to go get breakfast or something?

Claude:
Uh...

Joanna:
Wait, did you just look at her?

Claude:
Who?

Joanna:
Oh, you think she's prettier than me.

Claude:
There's literally no one here.

Joanna:
WAS I JUST A ONE-NIGHT STAND TO YOU?!

Claude:
What? We didn't even hook up!

Joanna:
I'M KILLING MYSELF BECAUSE I TRULY LOVE YOU!

Claude:
No. Don't do that, Joanne.

Joanna:
JOANNA!

Claude:
I-I was gonna say that. You cut me off. That's rude on your part. I know I might be wrong to leave, but that's rude.

[Joanna tries to kill herself by falling off her window]

Claude:
Oh. Are you -- Are you okay?

Joanna:
[groans]

Claude:
You're good. She's good.

[Gary uses one of Greg's supplies to disguise himself for true love]

Gary Bunda:
Okay, am I handsome? Am I handsome? How do I look?

[Gary turns into a kid]

Benji:
Hey, partner. I got some pogs here in my pocket. You guys still like pogs?

Gary Bunda (as kid):
Gross, Benji! It's Gary!

Benji:
Oh, sorry, Gary. Didn't know you were in there. [chuckles] I just was feeling a connection.

Claude:
Hey. How's it going, Joanne?

Joanna:
A -- Joanna.

Claude:
Joanna. That's what I said. Remember me?

Joanna:
Yeah, Claude, I-I remember.

Claude:
You don't have a limp, do you?

Joanna:
You got all those those texts I sent from the hospital, right?

Claude:
My phone had a virus. Malware. But I tried to send you texts for the last eight years, Joanna.

Claude:
I remember a lot of things about that night, and...I'd like them not to be memories anymore. I'd like them to be present-tense happenings.

Eddie:
There, uh...there aren't many, uh, women where I'm from.

Bar Woman:
Oh, that's weird.

Eddie:
[chuckles] What do you do?

Bar Woman:
Um, retail.

Eddie:
Oh, You know who's got a tail?

Bar Woman:
No.

Eddie:
[whines] The Devil!

Gary Bunda:
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Eddie:
I'm from hell. I'm doing very good, okay?

Gary Bunda:
No, you're not. I can see from across the room.

Gary Bunda:
[to Eddie] Okay, listen, alright? You're talking too much about yourself. Ask her questions about herself.

Gary Bunda:
Hey, lady, you want some tater tots?

Bar Woman:
Alright. Okay.

[The Bar Woman leaves]

Gary Bunda:
See?

Eddie:
Don't.

Gary Bunda:
She said no.

Eddie:
What are you doing?

Gary Bunda:
But I learned something about her.

Greg:
I want you to go over there and crush her self-esteem so she feels like garbage, and then she'll think you're the champ.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah.

Greg:
You got your peacock on?

Gary Bunda:
Yeah! Um...I was gonna do, um...I'm Tater-Tots-In-My-Ears guy.

Greg:
No.

[Gary Bunda tries attract a woman by using Greg's hat to blend in but failed miserably]

Gary Bunda (as Greg):
Hey. What's up?

Bar Woman #2:
Hey.

Gary Bunda (as Greg):
Your breath stinks like sh*t.

Gary Bunda (as Greg):
Yeah. And you got orange teeth like you've been chewing on those cut-rate corn chips, huh? What, are you too poor to afford the good ones?

Bar Woman #2:
Oh f*** you. [slaps Gary]

Greg:
What did my twin brother just tell you? He is so rude. Let me get you away from this man.

Gary Bunda (as Greg):
You made me insult a woman.

[Joanna tries to get dirty with Claude]

Claude:
No. No, leave it. Leave it.

Joanna:
No, no. Take your shirt off. Get dirty. Get dirty.

[Joanna takes off Claude's shirt which reveal Claude's former self as a devil]

Claude:
Okay, now, there's something I should tell you.

Gary Bunda:
It's not a physical thing with me, you know? It's emotional. I'm listening to you. I'm interested! I'm interested in you! I want to know -- Hey, I want to know --

Bar Woman:
I have a rape whistle.

Gary Bunda:
Well, I have a whole rape guitar at my apartment.

Bar Woman:
I don't put tater tots in my ears, and I'm not a lesbian.

[Gary sees a reflection of himself as a woman disguised by using a scarf]

Gary Bunda:
I thought it was a man scarf! Men are wearing scarves now!

Gary Bunda:
Okay, Mom, one more time -- There's a tree stump in Germany.

Gary's Mom:
In Europe.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah. Yes. Yes. 'Cause Germany is in Europe. You remember!

Gary Bunda:
And you have to get to this tree stump, and it is guarded by a very aggressive troll.

Gary's Mom:
Do I have to drive on the wrong side of the road?

Gary Bunda:
Yes. Yes! Yes! Of course you will. Yes!

Gary Bunda:
What are you doing?

Gary's Mom:
I e-mailed Father Benson, and...and he said this was not a good idea to go to hell.

Gary Bunda:
Why did you do that? That's a surprise.

Gary's Mom:
You could be the devil now.

Gary Bunda:
Down there, Mom, they make a knife come alive, and it crawls up inside of me, alright? For days. And it goes in and out, in and out, okay? But your love will get me out of there. [smooches Gary's Mom's hand]

Gary's Mom:
Okay, dear.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah! Gary! Alright. Come on! Let's do this! We got to get you a gun.

Claude:
Joanna. I have to go, but I...love you.

Joanna:
Oh!

Claude:
And I would walk 500 miles for your weird body.

Claude:
But Hell's even further away than that, baby.

Joanna:
Wait. But you said there's a tree in Germany, and I have -- True love comes to get you out...

Claude:
Don't try to come after me. It's too damn dangerous. But at the same time, the troll you'd have to attack is very easily defeatable. It's very old.

[Claude pretends by using Eddie to grab him inside the Hellmouth, making a dramatic sequence to her wife, Joanna]

Claude:
Oh, it's pulling. I love you! Ohh!

Joanna:
Oh, god, no!

Claude:
[weakly] Aah!

Claude:
Tranquilizer darts. For the troll. Just in case you decide to. No pressure, but...

[Claude gets back to the pretending]

Claude:
Aah! The fire burns through my heart!

Eddie:
I'm dragging you to hell!

Joanna:
Oh, Claude! [sobbing]

Claude:
That was great, Eddie!

Eddie:
I felt good! I think the roars really sold it.

Gary Bunda:
Mom, I got you an oven mitt, I got you a knife, I got you a snorkel for the river of vomit, I got you nunchucks for the troll, and I got you this cool karate stick.

Geoff:
It's a Kabotu war staff, and it's mine. Mom is at church. She asked me to come talk to you.

Gary Bunda:
Geoff, this has nothing to do with you, man.

Geoff:
You asked a 70-year-old woman to dig into hell...

Gary Bunda:
-Yeah.

Geoff:
...to fight a troll. If she falls again, we could be talking hospice.

Gary Bunda:
Wait, wait, wait. What about a brother's love, Geoff?

Geoff:
It's step-brother. What's happening to your legs?

Gary Bunda:
Nothing, nothing. No big deal. I love you.

Geoff:
Look, you're a neat guy, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
I'm taking your stupid bow staff, It's a curtain rod. You suck, Geoff!

Satan:
I told that bat you better eat your Wheaties this week. Oh, and I have a live video feed from that tree in Germany.

[Sees the video of the troll sleeping with tranquilizer darts]

Satan:
Oh, boy. Doesn't look like the troll's been too busy, huh? Taking a little nap.

Claude:
Or...he was drugged.

Joanna:
Hello, my love. How was your day?

Claude:
Help.

Joanna:
Help you? I'm the one who needs help with all those groceries, you silly lazy bones.

Joanna:
[serious tone] Uh-oh. Looks like somebody had an accident.

[cuts to the next scene Claude is trapped in an animal cage as a slave]

Claude:
[sobbing] You we're gone so long! I couldn't hold it in!

Joanna:
[uses bottle spray on Claude] You shut up! You shut up!

Claude:
Ow! It burns!

Joanna:
Do you wanna watch "How I Met Your Mother"?

Claude:
Yes, dear!

Joanna:
Do you even play with your toys? I bought you those toys, and you don't even play with them!

Claude:
I'm playing with it! I'm playing with it!

Joanna:
You don't appreciate anything I do for you!

Claude:
[sobbing] I love you.

Joanna:
After this, you are gonna get hard and give me a baby.

Claude:
I'm just gonna turn up the volume on the tv so we can hear all the spots where we're supposed to laugh.

Joanna:
Wait, but, sweetie, I have the remote right here.

[Claude smashes through window killing himself to get back to his headquarters]

Joanna:
Get back here!

Claude:
Satan, let me just start off by saying I am so sorry, okay?

Satan:
You know, I was really pulling for you guys, Claude.

Claude:
I had no say in the matter. You know I would never do anything to hurt you.

Satan:
No, I know. 'Cause she made you flip me off and say "See ya, d*cks."

Claude:
She made me say "See ya, d*cks."

[Joanna came back to bring Claude back to hell again]

Joanna:
Claude, honey! Where are you, babe?

Claude:
Oh, crap.

Satan:
Oh, looks like true love has found you again, Claude.

Joanna:
Oh, I see your ass under that table. Get up here!

Claude:
I think we need some time apart!

Joanna:
I swam through a river of sh*t for you!

Gary Bunda:
Joanna! Joanna! I'm over here! I love you!

Claude:
Yeah, he's great!

Joanna:
No! True love is forever Claude!

Satan:
Big N' Wide! Need you down at publishing asap. Having a book drive.

Satan:
Shane, Leo, you're booked, too.

Big N' Wide:
Aw, sh*t.

Satan:
Behold. "The Bad Book is back.

Claude:
So, we're trotting out the Necronomicon again.

Satan:
No, Claude. This is the New-Cronomicon. What I did is is spiced up the ancient text a little bit, and, I, uh -- I added a teenage-romance angle, and then I just sprinkled in some werewolves, some vampires. It's --

Claude:
So, is it available on iPad and Kindle?

Satan:
No, just flesh.

Satan:
Now partner up, demons! You're going topside in 20!

Gary Bunda:
Claude, you and me?

Claude:
Uh, sorry, Gar. I'm already paired up with...Eddie, do you have a partner?

Eddie:
No.

Claude:
I'm already paired up with Eddie.

Eddie:
We're together.

Satan:
Oh, uh, looks like Modok doesn't have a partner.

Modok:
[yells] Modok! Modoook! Modok!

Satan:
Gary, why don't you, uh, partner up with Modok, alright? But don't look at him in the eye. It's a sign of aggression.

Gary Bunda:
Modok can't read!

Satan:
You wanted some diversity down here. I brought some of these cave people.

Gary Bunda:
We wanted women.

Satan:
It's not his fault he died a million years before Jesus Christ was born.

Satan:
How's that Sun God working out for you, Modok?

[Modok smashing a fax machine]

Satan:
I said how's that Sun -- [laughing] He can't understand a thing I'm saying. He's great.

Satan:
Do not open the book. 'Cause once you start reading it, you cannot stop. It literally sucks you in.

[The Necronomicon book vomits on Benji]

Vomiting Necronomicon:
Sorry. [vomits] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm afraid of heights.

Vomiting Necronomicon:
Hey, this is a really high shelf.

Benji:
I found what I needed. Thank you.

Gary Bunda (as Teen Saint):
Hi. We're from the Church of Latter Day Saints, and I wanted to see if you'd be interested in the Mormon bible.

Neighbor Woman:
Is that hair?

Gary Bunda (as Teen Saint):
Y-Yeah. That's a scrotum. I'm so sorry. Here's a fresh copy.

Gary Bunda:
[to Modok] Listen, I just need you not to do anything. I need you not to say anything. I need you to take that necktie off your head and put it around your neck like a Mormon, alright?

Modok:
Modok read book.

Gary Bunda:
No! No, no, no. Modok, it's bad. Book is bad, okay?

Modok:
Modok, no read book?

Gary Bunda:
That's right. Now you're getting it.

Modok:
Gary read book. Gary read book.

Gary Bunda:
No.

Modok:
Read book, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
No. Specifically we were told --

Modok:
[smashes Gary with a book] READ BOOK! READ BOOK! READ BOOK!

Gary Bunda:
No! [sobs] Stop it! Stop hitting me, alright?

Gary Bunda:
[reads the New-Cronomicon book] "Meet Anna Francelica, a girl on the verge of here 18th birthday, when teenage girls are made illegal, and love is on the run.

Gary Bunda:
That's a hell of a hook.

Big N' Wide (as a book):
Hey, bro, Big red -- He don't like you reading that book, man.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, we're not gonna read it. We might skim it.

[Gary continues reading the New-Cronomicon book]

Gary Bunda:
"The sign loomed over her lithe frame. It read 'Banishment Island straight ahead' in bold, block letters. Anna Francelica sighed. She knew today, she was to turn 18 -- The day that she'd become an enemy of the state."

Modok:
Clarissa mean. Jack's made with Anna. No Clarissa.

Gary Bunda:
I know, but, what are you gonna do? Jax is a vampire. Anna's father hunts vampires. We learned that in chapter six.

Modok:
What happen next?

Gary Bunda:
No.

Modok:
What happen next, Gary?

Gary Bunda:
No, Modok. We have been over this.

Modok:
What happen next?

Gary Bunda:
No!

Mdook:
What happen next?

Gary Bunda:
I will not be pushed again.

Modok:
What happen next? What happen next?! What happen next?! WHAT HAPPEN NEXT?!

Gary Bunda:
I do not appreciate your tone.

Modok:
WHAT HAPPEN NEXT?!

Gary Bunda:
No, Modok, I need you to calm down before we can have a conversation.

Modok:
[rips and grabs the bench] What happen next?!

Gary Bunda:
Modok, Modok -- Okay, you know what? Alright. Okay. We will read up until this fish monster would come out, okay, and that's it, alright?

Gary Bunda:
[laughs] That makes you happy. I want to read it, too, anyway.

[Claude reading the New-Cronomicon book]

Claude (as Maid):
[reads] "Jax and Anna laid together in the straw of their naked limbs intertwined." What are they talking about? You lie together. You don't lay together. Who proofed this thing?

Eddie (as Maid #2):
Well, I took "Lay" to mean they both got laid, you know?

Claude (as Maid):
No man is gonna read this, it's just gonna be a bunch of middle-aged housewives in hell now.

Eddie (as Maid #2):
And that's a bad thing?

Claude (as Maid):
He told me I wouldn't be able to put it down. I'm literally putting it down.

Gary Bunda:
[to Claude on phone] Claude, thank god I caught you. I got sucked into the book --

Claude:
I don't care. [hangs up]

[Modok and Wolfgang scream at each other]

Gary Bunda:
Alright! Okay, okay! We all work for the same people. Here take a look at my badge.

[Wolfgang sees Gary's badge that he realizes he works for the same crew]

Wolfgang Ragekiss:
Oh, why did you read the book? Didn't they explicitly state not to read the book?

Gary Bunda:
Oh, so we're in Necro-merica right now?

Wolfgang Ragekiss:
Mm-hmm.

Gary Bunda:
So that's where the teenage girls are sent when they are made illegal?

Wolfgang Ragekiss:
Yes.

Gary Bunda:
[surprised] What the...

Jax:
Came as fast as I--

[Jax gets hit by a log from Modok]

Gary Bunda:
Modok. Modok, Modok! That's Jax Longstraw! That's Jax Longstraw. He's the hero.

Modok:
Jax?

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, it's Jax.

Modok:
No. [cries out]

Wolfgang Ragekiss:
Jax was supposed to meet Anna right here tonight at The Apex of The Two Moons of Gondor.

Gary Bunda:
When is that exactly?

Anna:
[echoing] Jax? Jax, where are you?

Gary Bunda:
Aw, sh*t.

Anna:
Why are you wearing Jax's leatherjacket?

Gary Bunda:
[deep voice] Uh, because I was chilly and he's a cool guy. And also, the Estrogoths abducted him.

Anna:
We must go save him from the Estrogoths.

Gary Bunda:
[deep voice] No, no, no. I'm sorry. I meant to say that he's dead. He's dead. His body's over there.

Anna:
Jax!

Gary Bunda:
No, no, no, no. Wait, no. Wait. Anna, no. [deep voice] He's under leaves. He's -- He's asleep with the flower babies. But he said right before he died that, uh, I'm supposed to make out with you.

Anna:
But the prophecy said that we would be together for--

Gary Bunda:
[deep voice] I know, I know. That's the old prophecy. And it's dumb.

Anna:
I just don't know, I have all these young-adult, yet still teenage mixed-up emotions.

Gary Bunda:
[deep voice] Hey, it's gonna be alright.

Gary Bunda:
[whispers to Wolfgang] What happens next in the book that I should do?

Wolfgang Ragekiss:
It's ruined at this point.

Wolfgang Ragekiss:
Someone's about to read chapter 13.

Gary Bunda:
We can all get out on Wolfgang's back. Anna, grab my hand!

Wolfgang Ragekiss:
Oh, sure. Everyone wants to be with me now. Where were you in seventh grade?

Witch Leader:
[summoning] When solstice lights and fire burns, the devil's dong on earth returns, and like drunk redskins tomahawk, splitting witches on altar rock --

Witch Woman:
Drunk redskins tomahawk? Are you kidding?

Witch Leader:
This spell was obviously written in a different time.

Witch Woman:
And you wonder why we have trouble attracting witches of color.

Witch Leader:
Do you guys want me to summon the devil for an orgy or not?

All:
Yes.

Witch Leader:
[summoning] Splitting witches throughout the weekend...sweating like a bunch of...Puerto Ricans.

Witch Woman:
"Sweating like a bunch of Puerto Ricans"? Come on!

Satan:
Oh, my back. I think I threw out my back.

Gary Bunda:
Satan, are you okay?

Satan:
No, no. I threw out my back.

Satan:
I'm supposed to go topside this weekend for The Annual Wiccan Orgy. I don't think I can do it now 'cause of my back. Threw my back out.

Satan:
What am I going to do? I...have somebody take my place? And have sex with all those women disguise as me? That's crazy.

Dizzay:
Pick me. I'll do it.

Gary Bunda:
I'll do it, I'll do it.

Satan:
Oh, you guys. Oh, I can't ask you do that. You should all go. You should all go, 'cause, listen, you guys are gonna have to plow these broads in shifts. They have to think you're me.

Satan:
So, whoever's slinging the yogurt has got to be wearing this head.

[pulls up a big creature mascot head]

Gary Bunda:
I'm gonna be up to my eyebrows in some hot wiccan tail tonight.

Satan:
Oh, yeah, It's mostly aging lesbians with wind chimes. But you guys have fun!

Satan:
Hey, mosquito repellent. Those things will eat you alive out there.

Gary Bunda:
Hey, Satan, are you gonna need help with those gold clubs, 'cause of your back? He hurt his back.

[Dizzay disguises himself with a creature's head doing witches orgy]

Dizzay:
Ah, my knees, baby. Damn, we should've got an air mattress or something down here.

Gloria:
Well, we can do it closer to mother earth.

Dizzay:
What the pine needles? Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, we done, girl.

Gloria:
Look, I made you something. I made it myself. It's for you.

Dizzay:
So sweet, another wind chime. Can you please tell whoever's next to bring me something like a sweet tea. Maybe a lemonade or something like that. You did a great job, baby!

[Dizzay comes back after the witch orgy]

Claude:
What's happening, guys?

Dizzay:
Got some more witch crap. Damn, this head stinks!

Dizzay:
Who got next?

[Claude and Benji point at each other who's doing the next witch orgy except for Gary]

Dizzay:
I done already did three in a row, man, I ain't doing another one!

Gary Bunda:
I have finally had sex with as many women as I've lied about.

[Gary Bunda does witch orgy]

Gary Bunda:
[Satan accent] Now, are you prepared for my diabolical seed?

Madison:
Can I take your codpiece off?

Gary Bunda:
[Satan accent] You probably should.

Madison:
Okay.

Gary Bunda:
[normal voice] Oh, it's happening.

[Before Madison was about to take Gary's codpiece off, Gary realizes he already jizzed himself]

Gary Bunda:
[normal voice] The juice is loose!

Madison:
It's okay. It's okay. Really.

Gary Bunda:
[Satan accent] Ah, Satan wanted to do that, so that we could have a conversation first.

Gary Bunda:
[normal voice] So, are you in from out of town, or did you -- You live near the orgy?

Madison:
Well, I came in from San Diego, but --

Gayr Bunda:
[Satan accent] San Diego is a beautiful and temperate city.

Gary Bunda:
I've never made out with somebody with a tongue ring before and...I give it 5 out of 5 toaster strudels.

Madison:
What is hell like?

Gary Bunda:
It's way less cool than kissing each other.

Gloria:
Yoo-hoo.

Gary Bunda:
GLORIA! YOU STOP CUTTING IN LINE! You already got some. You don't get a double dickin'.

Madison:
You looked...better in the bible.

Gary Bunda:
I mean, there was no pictures, so how would you know?

Madison:
But there's portraits.

Gary Bunda:
I chose...this sort of, like, approachable, doughy, commercial-husband form just to not terrify you.

Madison:
Could I maybe see something taller? Or grow some thorns on your penis?

Gary Bunda:
Uh, Madison, okay, um, hypothetical -- If I wasn't Satan WHO I TOTALLY AM! [chuckles] We would still what we have, right?

Madison:
Mm..no. Why would you ask me that?

Gary Bunda:
[deep voice] 'Cause I was testing you! Now you will make out with me again! I command it! [normal voice] And then we can get ice cream.

Witch Leader:
Satan, honey! [singing voice] I'm not wearing panties!

Benji:
Guys, I just ripped the head off this squirrel, and I'm thinking maybe if we could just, you know, like a-a -- I don't know.

Dizzay:
What the hell is wrong with you?

Benji:
I-I was blue skyin' this thing, and it seemed right at the time, but --

Gary Bunda:
No. No. Don't seize me. I am Satan. Isn't that right, Madison?

Madison:
He told me he took that form.

Witch Leader:
Dear, sweet, naive Madison. Why would anybody choose to look like that? Hmm?

Gary Bunda:
It's to lower people's expectations, and then you can surprise them.

Madison:
I'm only into bad boys.

Gary Bunda:
I can be a bad boy! Watch this! You're a b*tch! You b*tch! I'll kill a dog for you!

Witch Leader:
Okay, so where is he, huh?

Claude:
Um...Satan had an injury with his back and an important meeting.

Witch Leader:
[sighs] Oh, god! Oh, bullsh*t! Oh! I should have known!

Witch Leader:
He was so distant last year -- On the phone the entire time I was tonguing his a**hole.

Witch Leader:
You know what I'm gonna do, Satan, honey? I am going to make these woods echo with the screams of your little demon friends! [crying] You jerk!

[The Witch Leader sobs on her way back to the witch base]

Gary, Claude, Dizzay, and Benji:
Yikes!

Witch Leader:
Here is a spell of succubus seduction. Yeah, this should get Satan back. Not that I care.

Witch Woman #2:
But this requires the testicle of a minotaur.

Witch Leader:
A demon's testicle should work.

Witch Woman #2:
Could we maybe substitute a cherry tomato? Some of us are vegan.

Gary Bunda:
Madison, I know you're hurt, but I just want to make it clear that I'm legit. Claude has a phone between his legs. You got to get it.

Dizzay:
Man, what the hell --

Claude:
Why?

Madison:
I need to cut off your testicles.

Gary Bunda:
What was that?

Witch Woman:
Relax. We're not gonna eat it. We're just gonna grind it into a powder for a potion.

Witch Woman #2:
It'll make out hair look lustrous and shiny.

Gary Bunda:
Hey, you know what else does that? Conditioner does that. It's $3 at the pharmacy.

Claude:
I demand a Trial of The Judgening!

Witch Woman:
The Trial of The Judgening? What is that again?

Claude:
It's on my phone on, uh, Witchpedia, The Wiccan wiki, right there. It's faved.

Witch Woman:
"One demon can choose to compete in three challenges of his choosing. If he wins, all the demons get to go free."

Claude:
I know.

Gary Bunda:
Could you maybe have figured that out before they CUT MY BALLS OFF?!

[All the witches got tricked by Claude's fake facts on the Witchipedia site]

Witch Leader:
What the hell is going on here? You let one get away?

Witch Woman #2:
We did The Trial of The Judgening.

Witch Leader:
Well, it -- It's in the Witchipedia. This was added an hour ago by that demon.

Witch Woman:
So, we shouldn't "Take all demons named Gary, pull out his fingernails. Bababooey."

Witch Leader:
You are going to provide every ingredient for every beauty spell in this book. And then, later tonight, we gonna fly our brooms up all of your asses.

Witch Leader:
We'll see if that doesn't bring your precious Satan.

Gary Bunda:
It won't.

[cuts to the next scene where every demon crashing themselves while riding a broom stuck to their asses]

Witch Leader:
He's not coming, is he?

Witch Woman:
No.

[Gary comes back to Hell's HQ after getting bruised up from the witches]

Satan:
How's your orgy?

Gary Bunda:
[muffled] It was pretty good.

Satan:
What happened to your tongue?

Gary Bunda:
Oh, it's sore.

Satan:
Oh. Oh! I know what that's about. Once you dive in, you are down there for hours, right? [chuckles]

Satan:
Hey, you up for next year?

Gary Bunda:
Hmm?

Satan:
Next year? The orgy? Thumbs up. Give me a thumbs up. Yeah. Let's go. Thumbs up.

[Gary tries to use his middle finger as a thumb by actually giving him a thumbs up]

Satan:
Hey. Did you just flip me off?

Gary Bunda:
No.

Satan:
No, you sure?

Gary Bunda:
Oh, no. Unh-unh. No.

Satan:
Hey, you know what? Why don't you sweep up around here, huh? Thanks, buddy.

[Gary then actually give him the middle finger afterwards when Satan walked away]

Satan:
[to Cerberus the 3-Headed Dog] Oh, you need a bath. Wow.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, you can smell it.

Satan:
Smell that, right?

Gary Bunda:
It's like rancid.

Satan:
Go back there and lick his butthole.

Gary Bunda:
Alright.

[Gary licks Cerberus's butt]

Gary Bunda:
What breed is he?

Satan:
Oh, he's mixed. He's half me and half some poor, unlucky labradoodle.

Gary Bunda:
That's disgusting.

[Gary goes back to licking Cerberus's butt again]

Satan:
[to Cerberus] You want to kiss Gary? You want to -- Give him a kiss.

Gary Bunda:
Give me it. Give me it.

Cerberus #1:
[to Gary] No, no, you've been licking my a**hole. Your beard reeks.

Cerberus #3:
Give me a kiss. I'll kiss you.

Satan:
[to Cerberus] He's so smart. Aren't you? Aren't you smart?

Cerberus #1:
Yes. Yes, yes, I'm smart.

Cerberus #2:
Yes, I'm smart.

Cerberus #3:
I'm smart, too, I bet.

Satan:
Aren't you smart?!

Cerberus #1:
Stop asking me rhetorical questions.

Cerberus #1:
[to Satan] You left me shackled to that gate for 30 long years. No one ever comes to that gate.

Cerberus #3:
I come to the gate. I'm there every day.

Cerberus #1:
[to Cerberus #3] And I would've chewed through your throat if we didn't share the same circulatory system!

Satan:
Who wants to play a game? Oh, go get it! Ooh! Go get it.

Cerberus #2:
Stop! I don't believe he threw a ball.

Cerberus #1:
I saw a ball, and we're getting the ball.

Satan:
You know, I wanted a dog, but I don't think I like dogs. I'm more of a cat person, I think.

Claude:
[talks about Cerberus] I'll take care of him, Satan.

Gary Bunda:
A dog is a big responsibility, Claude.

Claude:
I'll just feed him some broken glass.

Gary Bunda:
[pauses] ...What is your problem?

Cerberus #1:
We couldn't find the ball, Dad. I guess that shifty heeb over there sold it. Yeah, right out from underneath our noses. Check his pockets. What are you scheming, himey?

Satan:
Sorry, Claude. This one's a little anti-semetic.

Claude:
I was scheming, but it has nothing to do with my rich, proud heritage.

Gary Bunda:
Key word -- Rich.

Satan:
Come on! Go! Go get it!

Cerberus #2:
Ah, ah, you didn't throw a ball.

Satan:
I did not. But it's over there!

Cerberus #1:
I'm getting the ball.

Cerberus #3:
I want that ball.

Cerberus #2:
There isn't a ball!

Satan:
Find it. I could do this all day long. [laughs]

Satan:
Tie him to the gate when he comes back.

Claude:
[to Gary] You got some dog sh*t on your teeth.

Cerberus #3:
Where's Dad? Where did he go?

Cerberus #2:
Wherever is Dad?

Cerberus #1:
He's gone, and he told you to tie us to the gate again, didn't he? Didn't he?!

Gary Bunda:
I'm not gonna do that to you, buddy, okay?

[cuts to the next scene where Gary literally ties Cerberus to the gate]

Gary Bunda:
Let me just tie you to this gate over here.

Cerberus #2:
[to Gary] You chewed us. You hornswoggled us.

Cerberus #1:
[to Gary] I can't believe I let you lick my butthole with that lyin' tongue of yours!

Cerberus #3:
Hey, what's this fence all about anyway?

Gary Bunda:
This is just the gate between hell and earth. Ma, though, earth is pretty bitchin'. You'd love it.

Gary Bunda:
You don't even have to open up this gate. You probably just crash right through it, you're so huge, you know.

[cuts to next scene where Cerberus rush through the gate to head to Earth while Gary holds on to the 3-headed dog's leash while going through many treacherous hazards]

[Gary realizes he brought Cerberus to Earth in the real world]

Gary Bunda:
Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t. We got to go back down.

Cerberus #2:
Do you feel this grass? This is grass, right?

Gary Bunda:
Yes, it is grass. Yes.

Cerberus #3:
The ceiling is blue.

Gary Bunda:
That is true.

Cerberus #1:
Hey, look over there. There's a dog with one head. FREAKING NERD!

Gary Bunda:
Satan is, like, pretty strict about this kind of stuff. Like, he's gonna rip off all my skin, and he's gonna pour a bunch of vinegar, like, into my muscles.

Cerberus #1:
I'm gonna pee on everything. Earth is my territory now.

Cerberus #3:
I want to bark at the doggie in the water.

Cerberus #1:
It's a reflection. It's you, you idiot.

Cerberus #3:
We look very similar. I could see how you'd make that mistake.

Cerberus #2:
Where are the fire trucks? I should very much like to hear some sirens.

Cerberus #3:
Ooh! I want to try chocolate.

Cerberus #1:
[to Cerberus #3] No, chocolate bad!

Cerberus #3:
Chocolate, yeah!

Cerberus #1:
[to Cerberus #3] Chocolate bad. Bad chocolate.

Cerberus #2:
[to Cerberus #3] Bad chocolate. Are you daft?

Cerberus #1:
Look, Gary, speaking for me, I would l-- I want to...be pretty. Okay, I -- I said it. I want to be pretty.

Gary Bunda:
If I let you do this stuff, do you promise that you will let me tie you to the gate when we get back down to hell?

Cerberus #2:
Most definitely.

Cerberus #1:
Well, maybe.

Cerberus #3:
You bet. Anything.

Cerberus #1:
We'll discuss it.

Gary Bunda:
Aw, to hell with it. I mean, he's gonna cut my feet off and make me eat them anyway, so let's make a day of it.

Cerberus #1:
That's what a siren sounds like?

Cerberus #3:
Fire truck!

Cerberus #2:
They're more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.

[cuts to the next scene where Cerberus are looking at a house burning down by Gary that also explains Cerberus's experience what a siren sounds like]

[Gary and Cerberus laughing]

Gary Bunda:
[concerned] Are there kids in there?

[Gary dresses up Cerberus for a beauty pageant show]

Cerberus #1:
Gary, I love it. I love it. Can we make it puffier up top? Does this read that I'm a pretty dog? And more bows. I'm a bigger dog, you know. I think we need more bows. Judges like bows.

Cerberus #2:
I feel like a technicolor trollop.

Cerberus #1:
I'm not gonna lose points because of your sh*tty temperament!

Gary Bunda:
[to Cerberus] Let's go out there and show these guys that three heads are better than one. Except when you're putting on a shirt.

Announcer:
Next up is Cerberus!

Gary Bunda:
[to Cerberus] Are you nervous? I'm nervous!

Cerberus #1:
Look at these dogs. I bet every single one of them's Jewish. Huh, what do you think? There's no way we win.

Cerberus #1:
The dog-show world is infested with Jews. He'll give the ribbon to one of these himey dogs.

Gary Bunda:
Stop it. Stop that. Stop with the Jew stuff, okay? The Jews are wonderful people. I mean, you got Williams Shatner, and then --

Cerberus #1:
Yeah, Captain Kirk beamed down to kill Jesus, right.

Gary Bunda:
Or it's the guy who played Picard.

Cerberus #2:
No, he's from England.

Gary Bunda:
He -- One of the people from "Star Trek" is Jewish.

Judge:
What kind of dog is this?

Gary Bunda:
It's a poo-chin.

Judge:
Hmm. It's my experience that poo-chins are small dogs.

Gary Bunda:
You must not have much experience, because this is a very rare three-headed elephant poo-chin.

Judge:
I suppose it'll have three scrotums I'll have to clench.

Gary Bunda:
[laughs] You go right ahead, you pervert.

[The dog judge touches Cerberus's balls]

Judge:
Hmm, above average testicular plumpness.

Gary Bunda:
Thank you.

Cerberus #1:
Sir, you have very soft hands. Not that the Jews are known or their manual labor.

Cerberus #1:
Not that I'm racist. No, no. Some of out finest entertainers are, in fact, Jewish.

Gary Bunda:
Most of them.

Judge:
William Shatner's Jewish.

Gary Bunda:
[to Cerberus #1] The Holocaust certainly was real, wasn't it?

Cerberus #1:
I totally believe The Holocaust...happened.

Gary Bunda:
We all do. The whole family does, yeah.

Cerberus #1:
Maybe not in the numbers they say -- You know the Jewish mass media -- But I believe that it -- It happened. To an extant.

Judge:
Well, since this is the only of its breed in the competition. I think I could give a special participation ribbon.

Cerberus #1:
Yes!

Gary Bunda:
Booyakasha!

Cerberus #2:
How delightful.

Cerberus #3:
Alright. Thank you.

Judge:
However, I will have to deduct points for the mouth stains.

Judge:
[to Cerberus #3] Is this chocolate?

Cerberus #3:
Yeah, Gary bought me an easter bunny.

Cerberus #2:
What did I tell you? Chocolate bad, chocolate bad.

Gary Bunda:
No, no! It's an easter bunny! [shows a candy product] It's like 90% air!

Cerberus #1:
You idiot! Chocolate will kill us all!

[Cerberus #3 having a seizure]

Gary Bunda:
He's seizing up! He's seizing up! Somebody get a spoon!

Cerberus #1:
We're in a room full of himeys, not one doctor.

[After Gary accidentally kills Satan's dog Cerberus with chocolate, Gary tries to find a new pet that looks exactly like it with a few extra changes]

Gary Bunda:
Hey, uh, Claude! Can you give me a second pair of eyes on this? Okay, do you buy this?

Claude:
Buy it as what?

Gary Bunda:
What does it look like to you, first impression?

Claude:
It looks like a pony and then two dead dog heads.

Gary Bunda:
I know it does. Okay, I get it. I feel like if you squint and, like, look at it, you'd think, like "Oh, Cerberus is home."

Claude:
Yeah, because, uh, Satan squints now. He's just squinting and looking out of the corner of his eye, right?

Gary Bunda:
Do you have a spell, like, some kind of wizdry to turn it from a horse into a dog?

Claude:
Um... [blows air] No. That's a dumbass question.

Gary Bunda:
Man, do you understand how much sh*t I'm in? Do you understand? Do you see the situation?

Claude:
Can I just -- You killed Cerberus, though. Because that -- Those are the real heads.

Caleb:
There are these abacus boxes called com-pu-tairs, and they are filled with ghost spirits. And people have these boxes on an intercontinental line on which everyone is on the line, hence "online" being the vernacular.

Claude:
We all know what social media is, Caleb, okay? What's your plan to get more eyeballs?

Caleb:
In my day, if we wanted eyeballs, we would just pluck them out of little indian babies.

Claude:
Satan, I could head this up. I died way more recently than Caleb.

Caleb:
Mr. Vernon, I've been here since the War of Northern Aggression. I have seniority.

Satan:
Back in my day, a groupie didn't follow you with a click. She followed you back to the hotel room after the show, and then the only thing that would go viral was your dong [chuckles] from herpes.

Satan's Record Player:
[distorted voice] Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.

Satan:
Yeah. That's me on the mike. Kid committed suicide 'cause of that. With a lawn mower. Go figure. Yeah, he's still knocking around here somewhere.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, BYLE! I remember BYLE. My Dad was, like, way into BYLE. Like, way more than he was into Ol' Gary.

Satan:
God, I looked good. Look at those abs, huh? You know, I used to...you know, just to stay thin.

Gary Bunda:
You looked like a Steven Tyler scarecrow.

Satan:
I had hypodermic needle full of adrenaline. Had its own holster. They called me Dr. Party, PhD.

Satan:
PhD stood for "Party hard, dipsh*t."

[Satan throws his TV as a party animal that accidentally hit a worker]

Satan:
Ah, throw this L.E.D. bullsh*t like a frisbee. See, back in the old days, they were built into cabinets, you know? To make the pool was an accomplishment.

[After listening to Satan's song "Imp in The Furnace"]

Gary Bunda:
My Dad used to listen to that song all the time instead of taking me to school.

Satan:
Oh, that's it! That's what these millennials need -- A swift steel-toed kick in their hairless crotches. That's gonna be our new social media strategy.

Satan:
We're gonna get BYLE back together.

Claude:
Um, Byle's still together. They're doing cruises now. See?

Satan:
The Byle Barge? Told me they broke up.

Claude:
When I died, rap was sort of big. We take one of these BYLE songs and we sample it. Then we have some rappers rap over it.

Satan:
No, no, no, no.

Claude:
[rapping] Imp in The Furnace. We gotta earn this. Look at my hair. You know you got to perm this. Hey, everybody.

Claude:
I'll work on the lyrics. I was a DJ, not a lyricist. But we -- It's an option.

[Satan sets cocaine for the Byle group]

Satan:
We're gonna lay this double-wide rail here for Dean. And Chase and Blaze are gonna want to blow these skinnies up each other's asses, so, uh...

[Satan meets the Byle band group]

Satan:
Good to see you guys.

Dean:
Our management said this was some sort of corporate gig.

Satan:
Uh, here's the deal, fellas. Millennials are pussies. They're not going to hell in large enough numbers. So, Byle is gonna change all that.

Satan:
You guys are gonna headline that thing -- That -- That us festival. What -- What is it, Claude?

Claude:
Bonnaroo? South By?

Satan:
[to the Byle band group] You're gonna headline Bonnaroo South By, final night. It's happening!

Dean:
That's two different festivals, numb nuts.

[Satan gets triggered]

Satan:
Claude, you lied to me.

[Satan beats Claude several times]

Claude:
You're right. He's right. He wants you to headline both of those festivals.

Gary Bunda:
First of all, Chase, this drum setup is sparse. We need like 90 more drums on this with water on them so when you bop them and you bip them, water comes out, and it's like Blue Man Group. Everyone likes Blue Man Group.

Gary Bunda:
And Blaze, you cannot sit.

Blaze:
They let me sit on the cruise.

Rudy:
If he sits, can I sit?

Gary Bunda:
No. No. No. The only person who gets to sit is the drummer.

Chase:
I can't sit. I got a bad back, man.

Gary Bunda:
Also, Satan specifically said only ripped jeans. Looking at you, Rudy. Pristine jeans. Slash them with a razor.

Gary Bunda:
And Dean, could I get a smidgen of your time? Uh, take a look at this. What's wrong with this microphone stand? One scarf. Is that gonna cut the mustard?

Dean:
Look at this poster. Velvet is f***ing huge in it.

Chase:
Yeah, and his hair's covering my face, man.

Gary Bunda:
Who is Velvet?

Chase:
The Velvet Lurker. Who do you think?

Gary Bunda:
The Velvet Lurker?

Dean:
We had several nicknames for him. Style-Cramper...Cock-Blocker...Lord of Dorkness.

Dean:
Everytime you'd turn around, he'd be doing that dorky dance.

Blaze:
Hey, you remember we used to always put that fog machine in his face?

Dean:
I told him Rudy lost his favorite pick in the toilet, and then he went right in for it.

Chase:
And somehow he came out of there with a pick.

Dean:
We had to fake our breakup. It's the only way we could get him to leave.

Gary Bunda:
You guys need to start whispering about this stuff. He hears everything. He could be a bee in a room. He could be me. I could be him.

Chase:
What's he gonna do?

Gary Bunda:
He's gonna rip your brains out through your faces! He did it to me. Twice! On my birthday as a present.

Dean:
How do you play an Mp3 backwards?

Claude:
Well, you have to have people download a piece of software that renders the file so then you can play the song.

Dean:
I'm not interested.

[Claude plays Satan's song backwards on a Mp3 player]

Satan's Song:
[distorted voice] Satan is p*ssy...

Dean:
Satan is a p*ssy? [laughs]

The Byle Group:
[laughter]

Satan:
You think that's what it said?

Gary Bunda:
It kind of does sound like you were calling yourself a p*ssy.

Satan:
[to Claude] Re-cue it. Re-cue it.

Claude:
Well, then I have to render it again to do that.

Satan:
Okay. This is what it said. It says, uh, "Satan is proceeding with diabolical plan."

[Claude plays the song again]

Satan's Song:
Satan is p*ssy...

Claude:
It sounds like --

Satan:
Proceeding! It's a diabolical -- [to Claude] Why does my -- Why is my voice so low in there? That's the problem.

Claude:
Because you were distorting the mike. The P's weren't popping, S's were --

Satan:
No, I understand. Okay. Okay, Claude. But maybe now's the time to turn it up.

Claude:
I have to side with Gary here. It's like --

Gary Bunda:
And I have bad ears, and you know that because I grew up next to the airport.

Satan:
[to Claude] Can I just -- Have it for one second?

Claude:
Yeah, sure, it's still rendering.

[Satan plays his song on what he hears on his point of view]

Satan's Song:
Satan is p*ssy...

Gary Bunda:
Satan is a p*ssy.

Satan:
F*** it!

[Satan smashed the computer rapidly]

[Gary shows Blaze a different chair that looks like a long glassed cylinder]

Blaze:
Bro, how is this even a chair?

Gary Bunda:
You see, it's clear, right? This is so you can sit and relax, and from the seats, it looks like you're standing.

Blaze:
Alright. See, now, my feet aren't even gonna touch the ground.

Gary Bunda:
Let your natural gravity coast you forward.

Blaze:
No. Oh, now it's got my scrotum.

Gary Bunda:
Good.

[Dean sees Satan showing up]

Dean:
Lurker alert.

Satan:
I got two dozen black roses, and you, uh -- You hand these to the hot talent out there, and you say, "Byle requests your presence backstage."

Satan:
And I think I speak for the guys when I say I like them skinny with big breasts, alright?

[The BYLE Group gets sent down to hell playing the Velvet Lurker that trigger Satan for eternity]

Gary Bunda:
Hey, Satan! You busy? I don't mean to interrupt! The Giant Spider Monkey -- It came down, and it bit off Rudy's fingers, so he's trying to play the guitar with the nubs, but you can hear it in his solo!

Gary Bunda:
These guys are tired! Frankly, we all need a break from hearing the song!

[Satan pulls his earplugs out for what Gary just said]

Satan:
I'm sorry. What?

Gary Bunda:
I think that BYLE should take a break!

Satan:
Keep it going. One more.

Gary Bunda:
Alright! [to the BYLE Group] We're doing it again. [to Satan] Oh, Dean is just a skeleton now. Is that alright? We'll make his bones -- [to the BYLE Group] Make his bones rattle at the microphone!

Gary Bunda:
Why is there even a chicken hell?

Claude:
Satan agreed to take all the chickens to pad his soul tally.

Gary Bunda:
So you mean to say that every chicken finger I ever ate's down here?

Claude:
Yep.

Gary Bunda:
And every chicken nugget?

Claude:
Yes.

Gary Bunda:
And every chicken patty?

Claude:
Yes.

Gary Bunda:
And every chicken pot pie?

Claude:
Yes!

Gary Bunda:
Every chicken got hit by a train?

Claude:
YES!

Dizzay:
[to Gary] Pick up a damn shovel.

Gary Bunda:
What I'm really afraid of is that chickens are gonna all remember who eat them, and then there's gonna be a bunch of chicken revenge like in that movie "Oldboy".

[Eddie sees a secret hole in the tunnel that's filled with sexy girls taking a shower]

Eddie:
Guys! They got showers in here! [laughs]

Dizzay:
Move, move, move, move, move, let me take a look. Showers? Fool, there's naked ladies up in there! I see a butt! Oh, my god, it's a woman's butt!

Eddie:
This is my hole!

Benji:
Excuse me gentlemen, I need to put my d*ck in that hole.

Gary Bunda:
Boys, boys, there's no butts in there. Alright, there's just a rock in there that looks like a butt. And I know that rock because that rock is my wife.

Eddie:
Take a look for yourself.

Gary Bunda:
Watch out, Dizzay, let me look at this myself.

[Gary sees the naked girls taking a shower]

Gary Bunda:
Get the shovels.

Russ the Software Demon:
Sounds like you guys found slut circle.

Gary Bunda:
I can't believe -- I didn't think that there was women in hell.

Russ the Software Demon:
Satan keeps all the nymphos and adulterers and fornicators over there. They crave the "D," but they can never have it. That's their eternal torment.

Gary Bunda:
Guys, we got to get over there!

All:
Yeah!

Claude:
You're idiots if you think Satan's gonna let us over there.

Russ the Software Demon:
You said it, four eyes. [shows an animation of why the demons couldn't get over there] It's a sheer rock wall 10,00 feet up, guarded by a battery of penar-equipped lasers.

Russ the Software Demon:
Penar is radar but for penises. Anyway, they shoot dick and ask questions later.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, he shot that penis right off the top of his balls.

Russ the Software Demon:
It's game over, dudes. Game over! U-Unless you were to--

Gary Bunda:
What?

Dizzay:
What?

Russ the Software Demon:
Nah. No, you guys don't have the stones.

Benji:
Come one!

Dizzay:
Man, tell us something!

Gary Bunda:
I got a whole bag of stones, buddy.

Gary Bunda:
So I cover myself in peanut butter and the women -- They smell the peanut butter, and then they come running?

Russ the Software Demon:
No, no. See that stupid monster over there? That's Seth.

Gary Bunda:
Okay.

Russ the Software Demon:
And Seth has a nut allergy. When Seth swallows you, the nuts hit his system, and he'll spit you over that ridge.

Gary Bunda:
He's gonna spit me over the ridge in chunks!

Gary Bunda:
Why can't Dizzay be spit over the ridge?

Dizzay:
Sorry, Gary, I'm doing the laser pointer.

Eddie:
And I'm doing the rope!

Benji:
And, uh, William and I are helping Dizzay with the laser pointer.

Russ the Software Demon:
We all have a role here, Gary. Did you even listen to my presentation?

Gary Bunda:
You know what? I'm not doing it. How about them apples you stupid jerk?

Gary Bunda:
Hey, quit playing with the rope.

[cuts to next scene where it shows Seth the Monster is slurping the rope by eating Gary]

Russ the Software Demon:
Eddie, I said don't let the monster get the rope!

Russ the Software Demon:
Dizzay, point that puppy up high so the creature will spit Gary at the proper angle.

Dizzay:
Look, he's not even -- He's not even paying attention to it.

Russ the Software Demon:
Eddie, did you hack into the mainframe to disable the penis lasers?

Eddie:
I thought I was doing the rope.

Russ the Software Demon:
Well, then who is going to hack into the mainframe, Eddie?

Eddie:
You're a computer! You do it!

Lance the Software Demon:
Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Claude:
Tell them what you told me.

Lance the Software Demon:
Russ doesn't know what he's talking about. He's riddled with malware.

Russ the Software Demon:
La-Lance, this does not concern you at all.

Lance the Software Demon:
Did he tell you to rub yourself in peanut butter? I bet he did. That creature loves peanut butter.

Russ the Software Demon:
You're just jealous, Lance. Once he spits Gary over the ridge --

Lance the Software Demon:
Gary will be dead within the hour.

[cuts to next scene where Gary tries to tell Lance that the Seth monster does not have a nut allergy while being eaten inside of Seth's mouth]

Gary Bunda:
He's not allergic to the nuts! Tell Russ he's not allergic to the nuts.

Lance the Software Demon:
You want to see those women? There's a maintenance door halfway up.

Eddie:
Guys, I can see the door from here!

Russ the Software Demon:
Those hills have thousands of lasers trained on your junk!

Lance the Software Demon:
There's one. One! And I have a workaround.

[Ted licks the peanut butter off of Gary's skin]

Gary Bunda:
You're a stranger to me.

Lance the Software Demon:
There she is, guys. It's the only thing standing between us and --

[William runs toward the women's gate after getting instantly killed from the penis lasers]

Lance the Software Demon:
I warned him about the penis lasers.

[Ted plays ring toss by using his belt while Gary is not amused]

Ted:
I get -- I get one more toss 'cause home team. Plus I cleaned you off, so...

[Ted throws the ring but misses]

Ted:
Oh, um, that's a gumdrop. I get one more. Not like the candy. But when it hits the gum like that and drops on it, you get a free turn.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seen those.

[Ted throws the ring again but still misses]

Ted:
Oh, home team gets two.

Lance the Software Demon:
I need one volunteer to deactivate the penis detector laser on the main gate, but you cannot bring your penis. It would get detected and subsequently lasered.

Lance the Software Demon:
So someone's gonna have to slice their penis off.

[Everyone starts to raise their hands up at first, but raise their hands down immediately after the last part of what Lance said]

Russ the Software Demon:
Peanut butter doesn't sound so bad now, does it?

[After what Lance said about cutting someone's penis off to get to the women's maintenance]

Claude:
Alright guys, I, um...don't want to be here.

Lance the Software Demon:
Cool, bro.

Lance the Software Demon:
Eddie, I thought I saw your hand up?

[Eddie shakes his head meaning no, while Benji shook his head meaning yes]

[Eddie get his penis cut off to get to the women's entrance]

Lance the Software Demon:
Doing good, Eddie, you're almost there, buddy.

Eddie:
I'm feeling really dizzy.

Lance the Software Demon:
That's just the blood loss talking.

Eddie:
I'm at the door.

[Eddie hears a bunch of women giggling]

Eddie:
I hear giggling!

Lance the Software Demon:
Now, there should be a switch. Pull that switch and it will turn off the penis lasers.

Eddie:
I just see a keypad.

Lance the Software Demon:
Oh, um, boy...I guess they changed it.

Eddie:
YOU GUESS THEY CHANGED IT?!

Lance the Software Demon:
Calm down, Eddie. I've got this.

Russ the Software Demon:
Tell him to try 666.

Lance the Software Demon:
It's not going to be 666.

Russ the Software Demon:
Try, 666, Eddie!

Lance the Software Demon:
Try 666, Eddie!

Eddie:
I'm coming back down.

Lance the Software Demon:
Why don't you come on back down, Eddie!

Eddie:
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!

Gary Bunda:
Look, nothing personal, Ted, but I got to get the hell out of here.

Ted:
Why? There's refreshing to saliva to drink...there's soft bowels to bed on.

Gary Bunda:
I know.

Ted:
Satan doesn't even know you're in here, man! We beat the system!

Gary Bunda:
Look, Ted, up over that wall some where outside of this monster, there's a lady's butt and it's got my name on it. I'm one of the names on it.

Gary Bunda:
Alright, now please just show me the way to the anus, bud.

Ted:
Don't go the anus. Just go to the nasal passage, it's right up there. He'll sneeze you out.

Gary Bunda:
Come with me, Ted. I know in here, it's easy and simple for you, but out there is a whole, wide world of butts! Come with me...to slut circle.

Lance the Software Demon:
Plan B -- We all cut our penises off.

Russ the Software Demon:
We put them in a vat of franks and beans.

Lance the Software Demon:
Penises look like what?

Russ the Software Demon:
Franks! Very good. Then we pretend to be chefs while Eddie hacks into the mainframe.

Eddie:
I DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS!

[Ted finally got out of Seth's body by going inside the nasal passage with Gary]

Ted:
Oh, Gary, you were right. Living inside Seth was no kind of life! [chuckles] Life's too short!

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, I mean, in hell, life is forever, but I get what you're saying, yeah, yeah.

Gary Bunda:
Am I in slut circle?

Farmer Demon:
You plum overshot that, son. This here is Chicken Hell.

Gary Bunda:
Chicken Hell?

Bertha:
Daddy, can we strip him down and hose off all his chicken sh*t?

Farmer Demon:
Now, you wouldn't happen to be one of them fancy city demons come here to have sex with my daughter, would you?

Gary Bunda:
No, sir. I would never dream of something like that.

[Bertha hits his own Dad with a shovel]

Bertha:
Hurry, 'fore Daddy wakes! We can do it, but you just can't look at my pubic hairs.

Gary Bunda:
That's cool, sure! Absolutely!

[Gary & Bertha kisses each other after Gary saws Berth's armpits as Medusa snakes]

Gary Bunda:
Oh no...

Bertha:
I said don't be looking at my pubes!

Gary Bunda:
But those armpit hairs. Do you call those pubes?

Bertha:
You get them during puberty!

Gary Bunda:
When did you hit puberty?

Bertha:
Recently?

Gary Bunda:
[sighs] Bertha...

[After Gary looks at Bertha's snake armpits, Gary turns into stone]

Gary Bunda:
[muffled] I got laid.

Claude:
What?

Dizzay:
What's that?

Gary Bunda:
[muffled] I got laid, man.

Dizzay:
Hey, everybody, Gary got laid!

[Dizzay pats Gary on the back for getting laid but mistakenly made him break into a bunch of pieces while turned into a stone]

Claude:
I have to say, I sort of expect that to happen.

[Ted acts by ripping off someone employee's beard for tears in a mug for a new drug epidemic coming]

Bob:
When's it gonna be ready?

Ted:
[acting] You and your ridiculous queries! Where do you get these dumb questions?! [looks at the security camera and whispers normal] Should be later today.

Dizzay:
[acting] There's my coffee cup. I must have left it in here.

[All the employees get drunk from a drug inside the toilet]

Satan:
What's so god damn funny?

Gary Bunda:
[drunk] Well, why you come to French Italy if you no like the food? You so stupid. [laughs]

[Satan whips Gary with a organ, but Gary didn't budge]

Gary Bunda:
[singing] Cinderella dressed in yellow

[what Gary sees Satan in his vision of hitting him]

Satan:
[singing] Went upstairs to kiss a fella.

Gary Bunda:
[singing] How many doctors will it take.

Satan:
Dizzay, stand up when Satan's in the room.

Dizzay:
[drunk] I am standing, big dawg!

Satan:
Alright, that's it. That's it! Drug test right now. Piss test, everyone, let's go!

[Ted literally pees his pants]

Satan:
Ted, not in your pants.

Claude:
[drunk] It's the wine, Satan. The demons have been drinking the wine.

Satan:
What wine?

Claude:
[drunk] It's the wine! It's delicious, though I haven't tried it, so I don't know.

[After Satan drinking the wine drug]

Satan:
What was in that wine?

Claude:
[drunk] The drink we drank?

Satan:
Yeah.

Claude:
[drunk] It was made of wine that was made of the spider.

Eddie:
So it was a Wednesday, you know, and...the spider had me pinned down and was pleasuring itself.

Satan:
Get to the point, Eddie.

Eddie:
Okay, so, anyway, some of the spider's baby gravy mixed in with the pus on my face and got into my mouth. And before I knew it, I was tripping balls.

Satan:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The -- The wine is...spider ejaculate?

Eddie:
No, no, I mean, I ferment it, and then to give it a nice smooth finish, I add human tears.

Satan:
And how exactly would you make it, Eddie, if he were dead?

Eddie:
I -- I don't follow you.

Satan:
[pulls up his demon knife] Excuse me. Just get behind you here.

Eddie:
What? No!

Satan:
Say goodbye.

Dizzay:
No, no, no.

Gary Bunda:
Just jerk it off once!

Claude:
Don't do it, Satan, don't do it! We need our production. It's not for us, it's for them up there. [talking about the real world]

Demon:
Yeah!

Gary Bunda:
Amen!

Claude:
This stuff is so great, it's like meth, but 10 times better. It just gets up inside of your body real good.

[Gary touches Claude]

Claude:
DON'T TOUCH ME, GARY! I'M TALKING!

Claude:
Hold on, hold on. Let me inspect this bottle.

[drinks the "Spunk" bottle]

Claude:
[drunk] It tastes like spider jizz! And I like it.

Claude:
[drunk] This is a new shirt.

Gary Bunda:
No, it's not. It's the same shirt I've been wearing for literally thousands of years.

[Claude looking at his arm to see the time but doesn't while hallucinating]

Claude:
[drunk] I'm three hours late for the ad shoot. Everybody, to the ad shoot! The ad shoot.

[Benji shows a storyboard to Satan on how the "Spunk" commercial is played out]

Benji:
He's the "Spunk" spider. Out on the town, slinging webs and spinning lies. It's his web, bro, we're just cobs in it.

Satan:
Right, now, I thought we were gonna downplay the whole spider angle.

Benji:
Well, I mean, we're not showing his dick.

Satan:
What is that?

Benji:
Well, you know what? We can cut down the --

Satan:
Let's just not even acknowledge that this is spider ejaculate.

Benji:
Claude was very insistent that it be all about the spider.

Claude:
[drunk] That's not what I said, Benji. You f***ed it up. And you're a child molester.

Dizzay:
Hey, hey, Claude, I don't have any lines or no seat or anything, man. Wha -- What's -- What do want me to do?

Claude:
[drunk] Oh, Dizzay, you're just gonna be there, hanging out, appealing to the urban market, alright?

Claude:
[drunk] I know you wouldn't hang with these guys in real life because they're old and weird, but be dope and fresh and hang tough.

Dizzay:
[tired] Yeah, man. Yeah.

[The employees begin shooting the "Spunk" commercial]

Benji:
Tailgate Tony doesn't know what to bring to the Tailgate.

Ted:
Hey, dudes, I brought my Uncle Gunther. He likes to yodel.

Uncle Gunther:
[yodeling]

Claude:
[drunk] VC, when he yodels, your mug's gonna shatter. It's gonna be a cutaway, but --

VC:
What if I say, "Why is there a yodeler at this tailgate?"

Claude:
[drunk] No, don't do that. Don't follow your instincts. Those are really bad instincts, alright?

[VC's head starts to inflate]

Gary Bunda:
VC, uh, you doin' alright?

VC:
I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm fine.

Gary Bunda:
Okay, sure, yeah.

VC:
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, [speaks intensely] I'M FINE, I'M FINE, I'M FINE, I'M FINE, I'M FINE!

[VC's head explodes]

Claude:
[drunk] The couch is dirty. Let's 86 the couch.

[After seeing the "Spunk" commercial in the editing room]

Mike:
I -- I don't like it, either.

Satan:
What, I --

Mike:
It needs a button.

Satan:
Why is VC's head in the one cut but not in the next shot?

Mike:
His head is gone.

Satan:
Yeah, that makes no sense. Why is VC's head gone?

Mike:
I don't know. Why would you -- Why is his head gone?

Claude:
[drunk] It's a creative decision that I made, and I stand by it 100% but we'll get rid of it 'cause it sucks.

Mike:
Yeah, I mean, there's certain things you have to do when you make a commercial.

Claude:
Then do them.

Mike:
Well, no, I need to get so I can do it.

Claude:
"Oh, I need to get." You know who didn't need to get? Stephen Spielberg.

Satan:
Can you fix this at all?

Mike:
It's gonna take some time. You guys might not even need to be here for it.

Satan:
You got time. Guess what, you got time.

Software Demon Employee:
You could use that yodeler as a button. I always thought that yodeler was pretty funny.

Satan:
I don't understand. Why would the yodeler -- What about yodeling has to do with Spunk?

Software Demon Employee:
It has nothing to do with it. That's what's funny about it.

[Satan & Claude came to see the incident of what happened to the spider's ejaculation]

Eddie:
[sobs] His dick came off in my hand! He had nothing left! He gave us all that he had!

Satan:
Look, we're just gonna move our delivery date back. Now, when do we ship?

Claude:
[drunk] There's only one bottle left. Production f***ed up.

Satan:
One bottle?

Claude:
[drunk] Mm-hmm, small batch. Artisanal. We get 'em hooked, we have 'em right where we went them.

Satan:
WHO ARE WE GONNA HOOK WITH ONE BOTTLE?!

[Gary and Claude try to fight each other while being hanged in The Bone Dome]

Gary Bunda:
How am I supposed to fight him?

Claude:
[drunk] Yeah, swing over here and say that to my face!

Gary Bunda:
I can't even see him! How are we supposed to fight each other, I can't even see him.

Satan:
Just lower them down. It's not working. Just lower them down, we'll have them...

Gary Bunda:
Can -- Can I have some of it?

Claude:
[drunk] We'll share it.

Gary Bunda:
Okay, cool, so I...I can have my half?

Claude:
[drunk] There's a little bit more left of my half, I think.

Gary Bunda:
Cool.

[Claude drinks the last Spunk bottle quickly]

Claude:
[drunk] I'll tell you this, you're gonna like this when it gets to you.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, I bet. I'd love to have some of it.

Eddie:
[far away in the audience] YOU SUCK!

Claude:
[drunk] Comrade. [gives the bottle to Gary]

[When Gary drinks the last bottle of Spunk, he notices something odd]

Gary Bunda:
You prick! This is mostly backwash!

Claude:
[drink] You ain't got to riot. I'm tired.

[Gary and Claude start to hallucinate each other while their heads blow up]

Gary & Claude:
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fin-- [Gary and Claude's heads blows up]

Claude:
What is all this? Is that a stocking?

Gary Bunda:
I made it for Satan. It's out of VC's belly meat. VC, you ready?

[Gary plays with VC's real belly while VC screams in pain]

Claude:
You do realize that this holiday celebrates the birth of Satan's sworn enemy.

Satan:
It's alright, Claude. Christmas has become so commercialized that Jesus doesn't even get the credit anymore.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, we got his ass.

Gary Bunda:
Who's Krampus?

Satan:
Friend of mine. We used to hang out in Eastern Europe in the 1800s. Here, I got some pictures. Take a look.

Gary Bunda:
Hmm.

Satan:
Krampus was intense. Let me tell you. That guy was insane. I'd love to see these helicopter parents today. If Krampus was to stuff their little brats into his drowning tub. Ugh!

Gary Bunda:
[concerned] So he drowns the children?

Satan:
No, not all of 'em. See, that's Krampus. You know, it's like, no, maybe he'll just hit them with a shoe or he'll put them in his gypsy cart. You never see 'em again. You don't know with this guy.

Satan:
Guten Krampus Nacht! Guten Krampus Nacht, VC! [plays with VC's real belly again] Guten Krampus Nacht, everyone!

Gary Bunda:
Are you Krampus?

Gumphanickel:
[German accent] No. I'm Gumphanickel. You're looking for my Dad.

Gumphanickel:
[blows the horn for entrance] Would you like to try to blow the horn?

Gary Bunda:
Your lips have been on it, so I don't...

Krampus:
When I press the TV button, it's broken 'cause the volume goes away. And then I press it again and volume comes back.

Claude:
Right, that's the mute button.

Krampus:
Close the door. I'm not paying to heat the whole outdoors.

Gary Bunda:
Hey, Claude, how did you beat me here?

Claude:
Did you teleport to the bottom of the mountain? Are you that stupid?

Gary Bunda:
[sarcastically] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I teleported at the bottom of the mountain and then I climbed all the way up just to get here, and then I nearly lost my balls because I "made my harness too tight."

Claude:
Are you saying what you actually did, but in a sarcastic voice?

Gary Bunda:
Yes.

Krampus:
I tried to get Gumphanickel to follow in my footsteps. [looks at his son deadly] This one isn't interested unless it's a horn to carve.

Gumphanickel:
They warn the villagers of avalanches!

Krampus:
They cause avalanches, Gumphanickel!

Krampus:
Why do you think that the horn blast happens and then the snow falls?! Are you trying to warn them in the future?

Krampus:
Kids today. Every time they fart, they get a trophy.

Krampus:
When they got rid of spanking, that's when the whole world went down the crapper.

Krampus:
Satan needs me to keep the children in line. The ones that are left.

[Krampus rubs his stomach smoothly while giggling knowing what he did to those kids in the past times]

Claude:
So, what do you say? Are you interested in working with us on this?

Krampus:
Fetch my drowning tub. Krampus is back! [does a silly dance]

Gary Bunda:
I don't like the dance, but I appreciate why you're doing it.

Claude (as Elf Worker):
For $24.99, you can get a package that includes and 8x10.

Ethan's Mom:
We just wanted to see Santa. Right, Ethan? Okay. Go on. Go see Santa. Hey, Ethan. Smile big for mommy.

Claude (as Elf Worker):
You're just gonna lie to my face and stand here and take pictures with your cellphone?

Krampus:
Hello, Ethan Rakestraw.

Ethan:
How do you know my last name?

Krampus:
I know everything about you, young Ethan. Come here. Sit on my bony, mite-covered lap.

Krampus:
I know that you pee in the shower, and I know that you broke your sister's iPad, and you said it fell.

Krampus:
[to Gary] Close the shed! Close the shed!

Ethan:
Mommy!

Ethan's Mom:
You closed the door. I can't see my son anymore.

Claude (as Elf Worker):
If you pay for the package, you can get a video and you'll see everything going on in there.

Ethan's Mom:
Why can't you just leave the door open?

Claude (as Elf Worker):
It's gonna freak you out.

Ethan's Mom:
It's gonna what?

[Krampus licking Ethan's arm devilishly]

Gary Bunda:
Oh, no, no, no. Krampus is feeling tired.

Krampus:
Wait. Wait, Ethan. Take a ruten bundle to remind you that I am always there. Always watching.

Gary Bunda:
Okay, Ethan. We're gonna go say hi to your Mom, okay?

Ethan:
Mommy!

Ethan's Mom:
Ethan?! Come here! Come here, baby.

Krampus:
It's too late for Ethan. He's on the list. He's on the list! [giggles]

Security Mall Guard:
Um, did y'all get a permit to put up this shed?

Gary Bunda (as Elf Worker):
I don't think we did.

Gary Bunda:
You mean to tell me a kid lies one time and then he is put to death? That is not a way to teach anybody anything.

Jonas:
Do you think if I leave out the entire pie, that Santa will bring me a Knights of Nebulon pocket marauder?

Geoff:
Oh, kiddo, listen. Hey, your Mom's not a real big fan of the Knights of Nebulon.

Geoff's Wife:
Or their war toys.

Geoff:
Maybe Santa can make an exception for...

Geoff's Wife:
No, Geoff. Santa reads the studies and he knows there's a direct link between fantasy violence and aggression in adults.

Jonas:
I promise I won't be an aggressive adult.

Geoff's Wife:
I wish that we're true.

Geoff's Wife:
It's time to hit the sack.

[shows Krampus looking Geoff's family at the window]

Krampus:
Oh, you'll hit the sack, alright. My burlap sack! [giggles]

Claude:
Can we agree that it's a coincidence that the first person we're visiting is Gary's step-nephew?

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, it seems weird.

Krampus:
We pulled names out of a hat.

Gary Bunda:
How about we just swat him with the shoe this time? Just give him a couple of swippity-swaps with the shoe, and that will show him who's boss.

Krampus:
Young Jonas looked very plump tonight. I bet the meat is marbled. [giggles]

Gary Bunda:
What should I do?

Claude:
Here. I keep one of these around emergencies. [pulls out a gun]

Gary Bunda:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Gary Bunda:
So, you want me to, like, shoot Krampus?

Claude:
Do you want to save your step-nephew or not?

Gary Bunda:
I mean, how many times a year do I really see him?

Gary Bunda:
Let's just see if he uses the shoe first.

[Gary playing with the gun]

Gary Bunda:
Bap! Bap! Got your ass, b*tch! Bap! Bap!

Gary Bunda:
What if he's still alive but Krampus just has eaten both of his feet? What am I gonna tell his Dad then?

Gary Bunda:
Jonas, Jonas, you okay? You got both eyes? You got your fingers? Jonas, did the hairy man bite you?

Jonas:
Uncle Gary? I thought you were dead.

Gary Bunda:
What I'm gonna need you to do is not tell your Dad a single thing about this, okay, big guy?

Jonas:
I want a Knights of Nebulon Pocket Marauder.

Gary Bunda:
Alright, let me get, like, a trash can to bash in this window.

Jonas:
He said he was tired and he wanted to get his alcohol beer and go home.

Gary Bunda:
Claude, that's not his home.

[Claude sees Krampus and the Security Mall Guard fighting]

Claude:
This is embarrassing. He used to be able to eat thousands of children in one night.

Krampus:
[to the Security Mall Guard] I will sue you so hard!

Gary Bunda:
Should we be doing something about this?

Claude:
I mean...let's just get out of here.

Gary Bunda:
Let's bail.

Krampus:
[to the Security Mall Guard] You're hurting me. You're hurting me!

Security Mall Guard:
Well, you're not doing me any good, either.

Satan:
We had a list with thousands of kids' names. Thousands of names. Are you telling me that he didn't drown one kid?

Gary Bunda:
In all fairness, each one of those kids got hit with a shoe. We beat each one of those kids with a full-on shoe tornado.

Satan:
Interesting. Was that before or after Krampus went to jail for assaulting a security guard with a giant novelty ax?

Gary Bunda:
[pauses]

Satan:
Just get him back to the castle, alright? And shut this thing down. Shut the whole thing down! This is the last time I'm taking one of your dumb ideas.

Gary Bunda:
Seems like it was your idea.

Satan:
What was that, Gar?

[Gary gets Krampus out of jail]

Krampus:
They said I am to be sentenced on the 17th.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, you don't have to worry about that. We're not gonna be coming back for that court date.

Jonas:
Look, daddy! Look, mommy! Look what Santa got me! I got it! I got it!

[Jonas shows the Knights of Nebulon Pocket Marauder Gun]

Geoff's Wife:
I told you no, Geoff.

Geoff:
I didn't buy it.

Jonas:
Pow, pow! Ch-ch! I killed you, mommy! I killed you, daddy! Ch-ch!

Geoff's Wife:
I guess it's some kind of christmas miracle, huh, Geoff?

[Geoff sees ruten on the ground knowing Krampus came here]

Geoff:
Maybe it is a miracle.

Jonas:
I killed everyone!

[Gary sees a man hooked up while screaming in torture]

Gary Bunda:
Relax. It's okay. You're in hell.

[Gary intensely rips the man intestines out]

Gary Bunda:
There's a video explaining everything at the end.

Claude:
Let's pick it up, Gary. Don't make friends. Just yank out the internals and move on.

Gary Bunda:
I will cut with the chit-chat, Mr. Claude-with-the-clipboard.

Gary Bunda:
I should have spent more time in church. Am I right, Ubuntu?

Ubuntu:
There were no missionaries in my village. I only heard of christianity when I got there.

Gary Bunda:
Sure.

Ubuntu:
Yep.

Satan:
[to Gary] How many R's are in your first name? One or two?

Garry:
[panicking] It's two, right? You spell it with two!

Gary Bunda:
One. G-A-R-Y. It's Gary.

Scott:
Oh, goodness. [laughs] We made a bit of a goof.

Satan:
Yep. We had a bit of a goof.

Gary Bunda:
What the hell's going on here? I'm literally in the middle of sorting some guy's guts.

Satan:
Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
You know how long it takes.

Satan:
Listen to me -- When you died, you were supposed to go to Heaven. Not Hell. Big mistake. Clerical error.

Satan:
Garry with two R's is supposed to be here.

Gary Bunda:
Are you serious?

Satan:
No hard feelings, huh?

[Gary and Satan shake hands]

Satan:
Congratulations.

[Gary spits Satan's hands]

Satan:
What -- What? Can I gouge his eyes out one more time?

Scott:
I'm afraid not. But what you do with Garry with two R's is not really my call.

Satan:
I'm gonna need five gallons of boiling oil, some razor wire, and a child molester -- The one with the clown mask from the pit. Thank you.

[Gary stars to get his wings and a golden ring]

Gary:
I'M AN EAGLE!

Scott:
Isn't this off the chain?

Gary:
I'm flying!

Scott:
Yeah, that, too. But I was talking about the golf courses.

Scott:
We have over 10,00 different Ben Hogan-designed golf courses up here.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, wow. I'm not that really into golf.

Scott:
Over there is shopping and a pottery studio.

Scott:
You know, for the women.

Scott:
Hey-oh! Here he is. Gary with one R, everybody.

Angels:
[applause]

Scott:
Things have a way of working out.

Gary Bunda:
Except for old Garry with two R's.

[all the angels paused then laughed]

Scott:
[laughter] Edgy. Edgy humor.

Dennis:
That's exactly what we need to appeal to the youth.

Dennis:
Do you mind spit-balling some ideas with us?

Claudius:
Right now, I'm presenting my idea for an internal newsletter called "Angel News".

Gary Bunda:
"Angel News".

Claudius:
Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
Do you mind if I toss in an idea?

Scott:
Of course.

Gary Bunda:
Don't want to offend you. It's a stupid idea, and it's a waste of time. Instead, what we do is a comic book.

Gary Bunda:
Radioactive Jesus Christ bites some dude. He gets Jesus powers. Call him Jesus-Man.

Scott:
Genius!

Dennis:
Boom! Goes the dynamite.

Wendy:
We could have, like, radioactive apostles biting different people. Get like a supergroup.

Claudius:
And maybe, since Jesus is a carpenter, maybe you could have like a big hammer or something like that, right?

Gary Bunda:
So you're talking about, like, Thor?

Claudius:
Not -- I mean, not like Thor.

Gary Bunda:
You're just trying to plagiarize Thor? No hammers.

Gary Bunda:
Jesus-Man has got laser eye beams that can forgive people from a long distance. And he shoots webs.

Scott:
And I know you said you weren't really into golf, but, uh, here's your own set of golf clubs.

Gary Bunda:
Thank you. [voice breaking] You know, back where I'm from, down in Hell, uh, the only balls we whacked around were mine.

Wendy:
You guys, we're always saying we want to be more edgy. But we can't say balls? And it's not like we're using the word for guy's hot dog or anything.

Scott:
To heck with it! Balls, Dennis!

Dennis:
Ball going up. Whoo!

Wendy:
Jesus-Man -- Kicking evil in the balls.

Scott:
Kicking evil in the golf balls.

Gary Bunda:
This man really likes his golf.

Gary Bunda:
Where is your bathroom?

Scott:
No. There are no bathrooms, Gary. We don't need them. Waste not, want not.

Gary Bunda:
But I pretty significantly need to waste much.

Gary Bunda:
Hey. Is there any way I can make it snow for this kid? Is there like a button or something?

Wendy:
Oh, he can't hear you. The mikes don't work.

Gary Bunda:
[laughs] Then, uh, why do we have them?

Wendy:
They actually don't sell these without the mouthpieces, so.

Gary Bunda:
If God has perfect memory, why are writing down the messages?

Wendy:
You can take notes or not. You know, it doesn't matter. We're pretty chill. You can work at your own pace.

Gary Bunda:
I can do zero pace if I want to?

Wendy:
Absolutely.

Gary Bunda:
So I can... [takes off the headphones]

Wendy:
Yep. Put those back on! I'm just kidding.

Gary Bunda:
[laughs]

Wendy:
I'm just kidding.

Gary Bunda:
You scared me.

Wendy:
[laughs] No, it all goes to voicemail. We're really just listening to be nice.

[Gary got pinned from the masturbating spider that appeared out of nowhere]

Wendy:
Are you okay? I think he has PTSD.

[Gary needs to take a dump again]

Gary Bunda:
I'm going to go make some pottery.

Scott:
With the women? [laughs]

[Gary makes a pottery object for him to take a dump without no one else watching]

Claude:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop! Wait! Wait, wait! Stop! Gary!

Gary Bunda:
Claude?