Paper Mask1990

Dr. Thorn:
[testing Matthew's ability to diagnose an elderly male patient lying in hospital bed] Feel his pulse.

Matthew Harris:
[hung-over and very nervous] It's irregular.

Dr. Thorn:
So?

Matthew Harris:
Atrial fibrillation.

Dr. Thorn:
Listen to his chest.

Matthew Harris:
[placing stethoscope on patient's back] Please sit forward. Breathe in please. And out. And in, and out, and in, and out.

[to Dr. Thorn]

Matthew Harris:
Basal crepitations.

Dr. Thorn:
Feel his liver. Well?

Matthew Harris:
It's normal.

[Patient smiles in surprise]

Dr. Thorn:
What do you mean, "normal"? If you can feel it, it isn't normal! So what is it?

Matthew Harris:
Abnormal?

Dr. Thorn:
Enlarged! Smooth, enlarged, non-pulsatile. Diagnosis?

Matthew Harris:
Hepatitis?

[Dr. Thorn rolls his eyes]

Matthew Harris:
No?

[Catches sight of liquor bottle hidden under patient's bedsheet]

Matthew Harris:
Cirrhosis!

Dr. Thorn:
Of course. Classic: wasting, spider naevi, jaundice, varices. You been drinking?

Yellow Man:
[Thinking Dr. Thorn is addressing him] I'm a dead man anyway!