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Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th'ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.
A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.
Many a man that couldn't direct you to the drug store on the corner when he was 3 will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.
The Puritans gave thanks for being preserved from the Indians, and we give thanks for being preserved from the Puritans.
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