Famous quotes by »

Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing or nonsensical jokes and one-liners with overly-contrived situations

Update this biography »
Complete biography of Steven Wright »

FAVORITE (2 fans)

Sort by:Popularity A - Z

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

What's another word for Thesaurus?

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Have you heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac , who was pacing & pacing thru the night , wondering if there's really a 'Dog' ?

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you'

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?!

– Steven Wright

Rate it:

Share your thoughts on Steven Wright's quotes with the community:

0 Comments

Notify me of new comments via email.

Quote of the Day Today's Quote | Archive

Would you like us to send you a FREE inspiring quote delivered to your inbox daily?

Citation

Use the citation below to add this author page to your bibliography:

Style:MLA Chicago APA

"Steven Wright Quotes." Quotes.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 16 Aug. 2022. <https://www.quotes.net/authors/Steven+Wright+Quotes>.

Missing a quote of Steven Wright?

Know another good quote of Steven Wright? Don't keep it to yourself!

The Web's Largest Resource for

Famous Quotes & Sayings

A Member Of The STANDS4 Network

Our favorite collection of

Famous Authors

»

Carl Gustav Jung
1875 - 1961
Emily Dickinson
1830 - 1886
Martin Luther King, Jr.
1929 - 1968
Charles Dickens
1812 - 1870
Hippocrates
460 BC - 370 BC
Benjamin Franklin
1706 - 1790
Vincent Van Gogh
1853 - 1890

Browse Quotes.net

#A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Quiz

Are you a quotes master?

»

What TV series is this quote from: "I demand a trial by combat!"?

A. Fargo
B. Vikings
C. Game of Thrones
D. Gotham