History of the World, Part I

Announcer:
Even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature. This need, this talent clearly separated early man from animals, who would never know this gift.

Announcer:
And here, in a cave about 2 million years ago, the first artist was born. [a drawing of a buffalo is shown, and a proud artist] And, of course, with the birth of the artist, came the inevitable after birth... The critic. [the critic urinates on the drawing]

Announcer:
Moses went to the mountain and God spoketh to him.

God:
Moses, this is the Lord, thy God, commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me?

Moses:
Yes, I hear you, I hear you... a deaf man could hear you!

God:
What?!

Moses:
Nothing, forget about it, Oh Lord! Why have you chosen me? What would you have me do for you?

God:
I shall give you my laws, and you shall take them unto the people.

Moses:
Yes, Lord!

Moses:
OH HEAR ME! The lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen... (drops stone tablet) Oy. Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!

Marcus Vindictus:
There! Seize him!!

Josephus:
[grabbing his crotch] Seize this, honkus!

Comicus:
[confidentially] NO! Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!

Marcus Vindictus:
ARREST HIM! [his guards do so] Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen? [the crowd starts shouting and raising hands] OK, you...You had your hand up first.

Onlooker #1:
Death by torture!

Marcus Vindictus:
[TV edit] Be more specific, please.

Onlooker #1:
[TV edit, thinking fast] ...You get drawn and quartered?

Marcus Vindictus:
[TV edit] I don't think that's been invented yet. Who's got the encyclopedia? [a lieutenant brings him a "World Scroll", which MV skims] ...Ah, here it is...No, that one doesn't come along until the Dark Ages. Good guess, though. How about you?

Onlooker #2:
Crucifixion!

Marcus Vindictus:
Wrong; that's the penalty for high treason! Still, very good guess. And you?

Onlooker #3:
[TV edit] They force-feed you a mess of laxatives and then lock you in an airtight room, so that you choke to death on your own flatulence!

Marcus Vindictus:
[TV edit] Wow! Ah, that's not correct, but...Hey, are you writing this down? Who knows, we might have some work for this guy; come on, write it down! [He urgently taps the lieutenant, who proceeds to write it down]

Roman Lieutenant:
[TV edit, under his breath] Hm, a gas chamber... [chuckles] That'll never catch on.

Marcus Vindictus:
...Over here?

Onlooker #4:
They send you to the lions!

Marcus Vindictus:
Right!

Miriam:
NO!

Marcus Vindictus:
What do you mean, no? He was right! If a slave strikes a citizen, the slave gets sent to the lions!

Comicus:
[to the Last Supper attendees] Are you all together or are there separate checks?

Emperor Caesar:
What's under the sheet?

Marcus Vindictus:
Sheet? Oh! Oh, the sheet. Yes. To begin with, number one, a beautiful hand-carved alabaster bathing vessel!

Emperor Caesar:
Nice. Nice. Not thrilling...but nice.

Marcus:
Aha! But to fill the tub, behind curtain number two, treasure from the Orient! [music starts to play]

Emperor Caesar:
Treasure. Bathtub... Treasure bath. I'm going to have a treasure bath! Treasure baaath! [laughs and screams]

Marcus Vindictus:
Oh, Nympho. I would do anything, anything if you'd only grant me your favors. How can I entice you? How can I ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant.

Empress Nympho:
Ahh, but the servant waits, while the master baits!

[Emperor Caesar laughs, then pulls a serious face, then pulls a golden disc from his behind.]

Emperor Caesar:
Here, wash this.

Servant:
Oh, yes, sire.

[He groans]

Stoned Roman Soldier 1:
So, do you care if it falls?

Stoned Roman Soldier 2:
What?

Stoned Roman Soldier 1:
The Roman Empire.

Stoned Roman Soldier 2:
F*** it!

Roman Soldier:
Chemist, can you help me?

Chemist:
What are you looking for?

Roman Soldier:
A pack of Trojans.

Chemist:
Gee, I just ran out!

Man Outside of the Temple of Eros:
[Hugh Hefner cameo] It's a new concept. It's called a 'centerfold'.

Marcus Vindictus:
Don't you know your left flank from your right flank?

Captain Mucus:
I'm sorry, sir, I flunked flank.

Marcus Vindictus:
You flunked flank! Get the flunk out of here!

Dole Office Clerk:
Occupation?

Comicus:
Stand-up philosopher.

Dole Office Clerk:
What?

Comicus:
Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapor of human experience into a viable and logical comprehension.

Dole Office Clerk:
Oh, a bullshit artist!

Comicus:
Hmmmmmm...

Dole Office Clerk:
Did you bullshit last week?

Comicus:
No.

Dole Office Clerk:
Did you try to bullshit last week?

Comicus:
Yes!

Empress Nympho:
[to her litter bearers] Could you please step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!

Jesus:
One of you has already betrayed me this night.

Various apostles:
No!

Comicus:
Judas! [Judas yells in fright] Would you like some mulled wine?

Judas:
No. No. Leave us alone!

Comicus:
All right, all right! Jesus!

Jesus:
Yes.

Comicus:
What?

Jesus:
What?

Comicus:
What?

Jesus:
Yes.

Comicus:
Jesus!

Jesus:
Yes.

Comicus:
What?

Jesus:
What?

Comicus:
You said what.

Jesus:
Yes.

Comicus:
Nothing.

Empress Nympho:
Oh Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?

Crowd:
Whooooaaaaaaa!

Bob:
Well, we could use another wine steward.

Josephus:
I got a great corkscrew!

Crowd:
Whoooaaaaaaa!

Josephus:
Damn, this a hip crowd!

Oedipus:
[begging in the street] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus!

Josephus:
Hey, motherf***er!

Miriam:
Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?

Comicus:
Miracle. Uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.

Miriam:
Oh, I'm Miriam, I'm a vestal virgin.

Comicus:
I'm really sorry to hear that.

Empress Nympho:
I love quick time march.

Narrator:
The year was 1489. The Black Plague ravaged the continent, it was the hour of the infamous, Auto de fé where, for public amusement, heretics and non-believers would be tortured in a carnival like atmosphere; and it was guided by the most fearful specter to ever sit in judgment over good and evil. The Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada.

Chief Monk:
All pay heed, now enters his holiness, Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition.

Chief Monk:
Torquemada, do not implore him for compassion. Torquemada, do not beg him for forgiveness. Torquemada, do not ask him for mercy. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada (talk him outta) anything!

Torquemada:
Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways and accept the true church, convert now, or forever burn in hell! For now begins the Inquisition!

Jew:
I was sitting in a temple,/ I was minding my own business,/ I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass./ Then these Papist persons plunge in/ and they throw me in a dungeon/ and they shove a red-hot poker up my ass!/ Is that considerate?/ Is that polite?/ And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!

Jew 2:
I was sittin' flickin' chickens/ An' I was lookin' through the pickin's/ When suddenly these goys break down my walls/ I didn't even know them/ But they grab me by the scrotum/ And they started playin' Ping Pong with my balls/ Oy, the agony/ Ooh, the shame/ They make my privates public for a game?

Monk:
Who knows, Torque- you might win a buck!

Monks:
Hey, Torquemada, whaddaya say?

Torquemada:
I just got back from the Auto de fé!

Monks:
Auto de fé? What's an Auto de fé?

Torquemada:
It's what you oughtn't to do, but you do anyway.

Torquemada:
It's better to loose your skullcap than your skull.

Jewish Prisoners:
Oy! Oy! Gavolt!

Torquemada:
How we doin', any converts today?

Guards:
Not a one, nay nay nay.

Torquemada:
We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns, nothing is working...send in the nuns!

Everybody:
[singing] The Inquisition, what a show!/ The Inquisition, here we go!/ We know you're wishin', that we go away!/ So come on you Muslims and you Jews,/ We've got big news for all of youse!/ You better change your point of view today!/ 'Cause the Inquisition is here/ and here...to... stay!

Impoverished Paris Street Merchant:
Rats, rats for sale. Get your rats. Good for rat stew, rat soup, rat pies, or the ever-popular ratatouille.

Other Street Merchant:
Nothing, I have absolutely nothing for sale!

Count De Monet:
I have come on the most urgent of business. It is said that the people are revolting!

King Louis:
You said it; they stink on ice.

Madame Defarge:
We don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent!

Peasant Man:
Yeah she's right. We all sound like Maurice Chevalier. Honh, honh, honh!

Madame Defarge:
Now, repeat after me. [cough, cough, cough]

Peasants:
Cough, cough, cough.

Madame Defarge:
No, no, no. Dumb scum. I mean death to King Louiiiiiiiis!

Peasants:
Death to King Louiiiiiiiis!

Madame Defarge:
Let us end this meeting on a high note. [hits a high A] Eeeeeeee!

Peasants:
Eeeeeee!

Count De Monet:
Your Majesty- you look like the piss boy!

King Louis:
And you look like a bucket of sh*t!

King Louis:
It's good to be the king.

King Louis:
Of course ya do it. Everybody does it. I just did it, and I'm ready to do it again.

King Louis:
They are my people! I am their sovereign! I LOVE Them. Pull! [shoots peasant flung into air] Drifting to the left...

Count De Monet:
Oh! But with this long trip and this exhausting conversation, I'm famished!

Count De Monet:
Bernaise?

Bernaise:
Yes?

Count De Monet:
Do we have any of those delicious raisins left?

Bernaise:
You ate yours, these are mine.

Count de Monet:
Au contraire, they are mine! I paid for them! Hand them over!

Bernaise:
[mimicking] Au contraire, I paid for them! There - they're mine! [blows a raspberry]

Count De Monet:
Don't be saucy with me, Bernaise. Hmm-mm.

Bernaise:
[mouths] B*tch.

Bernaise:
You should get rid of your tailor.

Bernaise:
I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs. A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his peepee! Yours are all the way down to your balls!

Count De Monet:
At least I have them.

Bernaise:
You b*tch.

Count de Monet:
Gerald!

Gerald:
Count da Money!

Count de Monet:
de Monet... Monet! Say it! Monet!

Gerald and Count de Monet:
Moonnet, Moonnet, Moonnet

Gerald, Count de Monet, Bearnaise:
Mooonnnet!

Count de Monet:
Perfect, don't forget! Give it to me again! Monet.

Gerald and Bernaise:
Monet.

Count de Monet:
Very good, where is his majesty?

Gerald:
Sir, the King is playing Chess.

Bernaise:
Chess!?! I hate Chess!

[King Louis is playing chess on a giant chessboard]

King Louis:
Knight jumps Queen! Bishop jumps Queen! Pawns jump Queen! Gangbang! Come on jump the Queen!

Assistant:
Are you going to speak to his majesty?

Count de Monet:
Perhaps later. We've had such a bouncy journey I simply must relieve myself. Where is the Garçon de Piss?

See:
Hitler On Ice

See:
A Viking Funeral

See:
Jews In Space