Stripes

John Winger:
You can't go. All the plants are gonna die.

John Winger:
Ma'am, I'm sure there are a lot of ways I've gone that you haven't.

John Winger:
My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of boots.

John Winger:
Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.

John Winger:
I don't think I've ever been this happy.

Captain Stillman:
Have that removed.

Dewey Oxburger:
Well, my name's Dewey Oxburger. My friends call me Ox. I dont know if you've noticed, but I got a slight weight problem.

John Winger:
We're all very different people. We're not Watusi, we're not Spartans, we're Americans. With a capital "A", huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts.

Russell Ziskey:
John, do you think I'm officer material?

John Winger:
God, I'm worried about you.

Russell Ziskey:
Come on! I'm in good shape, I'm walking tall, I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe.

John Winger:
Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar... guarding a truck!

Russell Ziskey:
We've got each other.

Sergeant Hulka:
Okay, Mr. Push-ups, let's hear your story.

John Winger:
Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.

John Winger:
Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka is always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Sergeant Hulka.

Sergeant Hulka:
Well, okay, hotshot. We're gonna see what kind of soldier you are.

General Barnicke:
Where is your drill sergeant, men?

John Winger:
Blown up sir.

General Barnicke:
Where have you been soldier?

John Winger:
Training, sir.

General Barnicke:
What kind of training?

John Winger:
Army training, sir.

General Barnicke:
Are you telling me that you men finished your training on your own?

John Winger:
That's a fact, Jack.

John Winger:
Don't order the Schnitzel, they're using Schnauzer.

John Winger:
Y'know, one day, Tito Puente will be dead, and you'll say, "Oh, yes, I've been listening to his work for years."

John Winger:
I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.

Russell Ziskey:
You still have your health.

Sergeant Hulka:
Soldier, I've noticed that you're always last.

John Winger:
I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.

Cruiser:
I guess we're going after John and Russell. I can't believe they're Russian spies. Can you?

Psycho:
All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.

John Winger:
C'mon, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like we're going into *Wisconsin*.

Cruiser:
I joined the army 'cause my father and my brother were in the army. I figured I better join before I got drafted.

Sergeant Hulka:
Son, there ain't no draft no more.

Cruiser:
There was one?

Psycho:
The name's Francis Sawyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you.

Leon:
Ooooooh.

Psycho:
You just made the list, buddy. Also, I don't like no one touching my stuff. So just keep your meathooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. And I don't like nobody touching me. Any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you.

Sergeant Hulka:
Lighten up, Francis.

Russell Ziskey:
I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.

Russell Ziskey:
You could join a monastery.

John Winger:
Did you ever see a monk get wildly f***ed by some teenage girls?

Russell Ziskey:
Never.

John Winger:
So much for the monastery.

Captain Stillman:
Where the f***'s my truck? Where - ? WHERE'S MY TRUCK? Hey, where's the EM-50?

Soldier Outside Motor Pool:
A couple of soldiers took it to get it washed sir.

Sergeant Hulka:
You better hit those bunks, my little darlins, or Sergeant Hulka with the BIG TOE is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass.

Russell Ziskey:
I once got my ass kicked in Wisconsin.

Recruiter:
Now, are either of you homosexuals?

John Winger:
You mean like flaming? Or part time?

Recruiter:
Well, it's a question we have to ask of all our new recruits.

Russell Ziskey:
No, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn.

John Winger:
We're so damned lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?

Captain Stillman:
Well, explain yourselves.

Dewey Oxburger:
Well sir, we were going to this bingo parlor at the YMCA, well one after another things got all fouled up and we ended up...

Captain Stillman:
Shut up.

Dewey Oxburger:
Okay, Sir.

Captain Stillman:
You men are a disgrace, maybe a few days in the stockade will help you change your rotten attitudes.

Cruiser:
But um, were supposed to graduate tomorrow sir.

Captain Stillman:
That's even better, tomorrow you're going to be on parade in front of General Barneque, to show what a bunch of total f*** ups you really are! And I will personally recommend that the whole platoon will repeat the entire course of basic training.

Sergeant Hulka:
We got a full day ahead of us. We're gonna start out with a five-mile run.

John Winger:
I know that I'm speaking for the entire platoon when I say this run should be postponed until this platoon is better rested.

Sergeant Hulka:
Well, I'll tell you what, soldier. Let's make it ten miles.

Sergeant Hulka:
Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.

John Winger:
Uncle Hulka?

Sergeant Hulka:
When I tell you move, you'll move fast. When I tell you to jump, you're gonna say, "How high?" And make no mistake. I don't care where you come from, I don't care what color you are, I don't care how smart you are, I don't care how dumb you are, 'cause I'm gonna teach every last one of you how to eat, sleep, walk, talk, shoot, sh*t like a United States soldier. Understand?

Cruiser:
Yes, sir.

Sergeant Hulka:
You don't say "sir" to me, I'm a sergeant, I work for a living.

Sergeant Hulka:
I didn't hear you!

Sergeant Hulka:
*That's* what I wanna hear.

John Winger:
Do you think this guy's over-doing it a bit?

Sergeant Hulka:
Now, since nobody else has got the guts...

Sergeant Hulka:
...to admit it, the rest of this platoon... will do the next two weekends on KP.

Sergeant Hulka:
How's that sound to you, mister?

John Winger:
I think it sucks.

Dewey Oxburger:
Sergeant, does this mean we're through for the day?

John Winger:
And then depression set in.

Egon:
Oh you speak English

Unknown:
Yes. Son of B@#&* S*!?

Recruiter:
Now, are either of you homosexuals?

Winger:
You mean like flaming?

Recruiter:
Well, it's a standard question we have to ask.

Russell:
No, we're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn.

Winger:
Yeah ... would they send us someplace special?

Sgt. Hulka:
Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.

Winger:
Uncle Hulka?

Sgt. Hulka:
When I tell you move, you'll move fast. When I tell you to jump, you're gonna say, "How high?" And make no mistake. I don't care where you come from, I don't care what color you are, I don't care how smart you are, I don't care how dumb you are, 'cause I'm gonna teach every last one of you how to eat, sleep, walk, talk, shoot, sh*t like a United States soldier. Understand?

Oxburger:
My name's Dewey Oxburger. My friends call me Ox. You might have noticed that, uh, I've got a slight weight problem.

Soldiers:
Nooo! Noooo!

Oxburger:
Yeah, yeah I do. Yeah, I do. I went to this doctor. Well, he told me I swallow a lot of aggression... along with a lot of pizzas! Ha Ha Ha! Pizzas! I'm basically a shy person, I'm a shy guy. Uh, he suggested taking one these uh, aggression training courses. You know these aggression training courses like EST, those type of things. Anyway, it cost 400 bucks! 400 bucks to join this thing? Well I didn't have the money and I thought to myself, "Join the army"! It's free. So I figured while I'm here I'll lose a few pounds. And you got what, a 6 to 8 week training program here? A real tough one. Which is perfect for me. I'm going to walk out of here a Lean, Mean, Fightin' Machine! Ha ha ha ha!

Sgt. Hulka:
I'm talking about something important, like discipline and duty and honor and courage. And you ain't got none of it!

Winger:
Those words mean so much to a man who scrubs garbage cans. Look, if you don't want me in your Army, kick me out, but get off my back.

Sgt. Hulka:
Maybe you'd like to take a swing at me.

Winger:
I 'd like to take a big swing at you, sarge.

Sgt. Hulka:
Well, go ahead and give it your best shot.

Winger:
I don't think I want to go to the stockade.

Sgt. Hulka:
I'll take my hat off. There we are, Winger. Ain't no more drill sergeant. It's just you and me, kid, man to man. So go ahead, give it your best shot. Swing at me. Gutless. Punk.

[Winger fakes, then tries to hit Sgt. Hulka, who ducks and punches Winger in his stomach, dropping him to his knees, gasping for breath.]

Sgt. Hulka:
[putting his hat back on] I'm willing to forget this little incident. And I want you to think real hard about it. And maybe someday you'll understand what the hell I'm talking about.

Russell:
[tackling Winger] Where do you think you're going? Are you going AWOL? Are you going AWOL?

Winger:
No, I'm deserting.

Russell:
You idiot! You desert now, it's a federal offense!

Winger:
I'll take my chances with the feds!

Russell:
You're not going anywhere! You listen to me! You're gonna finish basic training! You're gonna keep your mouth shut, and you're gonna do everything he tells you! You know why?

Winger:
Why?

Russell:
Because you talked me into this, you idiot! It was your idea!

Winger:
I didn't talk you into this. You NEEDED this.

Russell:
[drags John back to the ground] I'm gonna kill you, damn you! Where's the great pay? Where's the travel? Where's the Winnebago, Goddamnit!

Gen. Barnicke:
Where the hell have you been, soldier?

Winger:
Traaaaaaaining, sir!

Soldiers:
Training, sir!

Gen. Barnicke:
What kind of training, son?

Winger:
Aaaaaaarmy training, sir!

Soldiers:
Army training, sir!

[laughter]

Gen. Barnicke:
Where's your drill sergeant, men?

Winger:
Blown up, sir!

Soldiers:
Blown up, sir!

Capt. Stillman:
Uhh, yes, sir, these are Sgt. Hulka's men. He was injured during basic training.

Gen. Barnicke:
I see. So am I to understand you men completed your training on your own?

Winger:
Tha's the fact, Jack!

Soldiers:
That's the fact, Jack!

Gen. Barnicke:
Captain, these are exactly the kind of go-getters I want on my EM-50 project.

Capt. Stillman:
But, sir . . .

Gen. Barnicke:
Don't "But" me, Captain. I want them on the plane. Tonight!

Winger:
Gentlemen, it's party time...battalion style!

Russell:
Do the words "Act of War" mean anything to you?

Winger:
I have a plan.

Russell:
Great! Custer had a plan.

“- Recruiter:
Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor? That's robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing.

- John:
Convicted? No.

- Russell:
Never convicted.”

John Winger:
[breaking up a fight] Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! The hell's the matter with you?! Stupid! We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts! Here's proof: his nose is cold! But there's no animal that's more faithful, that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. Who saw Old Yeller? Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end? [raises his hand] Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I'm sure. [hands are reluctantly raised] I cried my eyes out. [even more hands go up] So we're all dogfaces. We're all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants. There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us! We're soldiers, but we're American soldiers! We've been kickin' ass for 200 years! We're 10 and 1! Now we don't have to worry about whether or not we practiced. We don't have to worry about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung. All we have to do is to be the great American fighting soldier that is inside each one of us. Now do what I do, and say what I say. And make me proud. Fall in!