The Faculty

Delilah:
Casey, when did you become Sigourney Weaver?

Coach Willis:
You're not much into sports.

Casey:
I don't think that a person should run unless he's being chased.

Coach Willis:
"Being chased." I like that.

Casey:
Everyone's been acting really weird, especially the faculty.

Stokely:
Tell me about it, it's like they've all turned into f***ing pod people or something.

Casey:
Into what people?

Stokely:
Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Small town gets taken over by aliens... That was a joke.

Stan:
Aliens have taken over the f***ing school!

Casey:
You're not buying this, are you?

Stokely:
No, I'm not... but it's kinda cool.

Casey:
God, you can be such a...

Delilah:
What?

Casey:
Pretty cool human being when you're not being a first class grade A b*tch.

Delilah:
Are you hitting on me Casey?

Casey:
No. No, I just think that you can be cool. Sometimes. This not being one of them.

Stokely:
I always thought the only alien in this high school was me.

Stokely:
What are we going to do with the police not being an option?

Stan:
I could call my dad, he'd know what to do.

Casey:
If he's really your dad anymore.

Stokely:
Body Snatchers is a story somebody made up, dingus. It's located in the fiction section of the library.

Casey:
Yeah, so is Schindler's List.

Zeke:
This is where I get my equipment.

Marybeth:
You borrow it from science labs?

Zeke:
I like to think of it as stealing actually.

Stan:
Come on guys, this is nuts.

Delilah:
Then leave, Stan. Why are you hanging around? Go win a Pulitzer.

Stan:
Blow me, Delilah, 'cause I'm sick of you're sh*t.

Delilah:
Well, then get the f*** out of here and take your little freak dyke with you.

Stokely:
F*** you, tit bags!

Casey:
Will everybody calm down, please?

Stokely:
[to Casey] You know, Casey, I think you've been racked into the flagpole one too many times.

Marybeth:
What happens at the end of all those stories, Stokely? How does Invasion of the Body Snatchers turn out?

Stokely:
They get us. They win. We lose.

Marybeth:
Maybe we really win, I mean Stan didn't look unhappy.

Stokely:
That's because that wasn't Stan, they took away who he was.

Marybeth:
Maybe they just bettered who he was. Cleared away his confusion. I know you pride yourself on being the outsider, but aren't you tired of pretending to be something you're not? I know I am.

Stokely:
Is this usually the point where someone says let's get the f*** outta here?

Stan:
Let's get the f*** outta here.

Stokely:
So they've just been setting us up over the years with their E.T.'s and their Men In Black movies, just so no one would believe it if it ever happened.

Casey:
I think so.

Stan:
It must really blow being you.

Casey:
You have no idea.

[Stokely kisses Stan]

Stokely:
I just don't want to never have done that.

Zeke:
Answer me something, Marybeth. Why are you naked?

Marybeth:
Oh. Does it bother you, Zeke, my body? I'm gettin' kinda used to it myself.

Zeke:
Not today. It's too damn hot, and I got zero f***ing tolerance.

Miss Burke:
Eat me, you a**hole! I'm the one with no tolerance, you pathetic little runt!

Student:
Ouch! Come back.

Zeke:
[sarcastic] What are you going to do? Are you going to call my mother?

Miss Burke:
And how am I going to do that, little Zekey boy? Do you even know where she is? Europe? Sri Lanka? Japan? I wonder what remote location she went to this week... to hide from her great, big bastard mistake. I've taken your sh*t for TOO F***ING LONG you dickless, drug-induced excuse for a human being!

Zeke:
Whoa... woman. What are you on?

Miss Burke:
"Woman"? Did you just say "woman"? I'm sick of you, little boy! And if I have to see you peddling your little "Wonder Dust" again, I'm gonna shove my foot so far up your ass, you'll be sucking my toes 'till graduation!

[exits]

Zeke:
[to himself] Whoa! She got some bad sh*t!

Zeke:
Guaranteed to jack you up.

[about Delilah]

Zeke:
Is she always this much fun, man?

Stan:
Sometimes she can be a real b*tch.

Zeke:
Casey, the only person in this school who's an alien is you, man.

Casey:
F*** you, Zeke.

Marybeth:
You know in my world Casey, there were limitless oceans as far as the eye could see. Beautiful, huh? Till it started to dry out. So I escaped, came here, and I met you, all of you, and all of you were different from the others. You were lost and lonely, just like me. And I thought that maybe I could give you a taste of my world. A world without anger, without fear, without attitude. Where the underachiever goes home at night to parents who care. The jock can be smart, the ugly duckling beautiful, and the class wuss doesn't have to live in terror. The new girl - well - the new girl she can just fit right in with anybody. People who are just like her. You see Casey, even Mary-Beth's feelings can be hurt by a bunch of pathetic, lost, little outcasts who truly believe that their disaffected lonely life is the only way they can survive. I can make you a part of something so special Casey, so perfect, so fearless... Don't you want that, Casey?

Casey:
I'd rather be afraid!

Marybeth:
Fine. Alright. Have it your way! 'Cause this is where your land of fiction gets it right: we win. End of story!

Marybeth:
I'm new here.

Stokely:
No sh*t.

Zeke:
That's called a gun, man.

Zeke:
Stan, take it.

Stan:
No way, you're takin' it!

Casey:
[laughing and obviously high] You're takin' it!

[Stan picks up gun and points it at Casey]

Stan:
What the hell is wrong with him?

Zeke:
Nothing's wrong with him. He's tweaking you a**hole! Let him f***ing tweak!

Casey:
Tweak! Tweak!

Stokely:
[seeing Marybeth turn into a huge alien] No... f***ing... way!

Miss Burke:
Zeke, you cannot conduct personal business on school property.

[Zeke sits down on his car]

Zeke:
Well, Miss Burke, we have a problem because I'm sitting on my car and that's my property.

Miss Burke:
Well I've had complaints from several students that you've sold them mind-altering substances. Now do you wanna talk to me about it, or take it up with Principal Drake?

Zeke:
You're too tense, Miss Burke. But I've got just the thing for ya.

Miss Burke:
You know, Zeke, I am the authority figure here, it's time you realized that.

Zeke:
Helps relief from blockage caused by dietary stress: Chocolate flavored laxatives.

Miss Burke:
You know Zeke, if you applied just 5 percent of that intellect to your studies...

Zeke:
Not a chocolate lover, huh?

Miss Burke:
...you could've made up your finals last summer and you wouldn't have had to repeat your senior year.

Zeke:
Not a chocolate lover, huh? How about this: Condoms. Magnum Sized. And they're cherry flavored. C'mon... they're on me.

Miss Burke:
That's so rude.

Zeke:
[to Stan] No pain Stan? If you come in here I'll show you some f***ing pain!

[Zeke gives two students fake ID cards]

F'%# Up #1:
Dude, that's not me. Doesn't even look like me

F'%# Up #2:
It's 50 bucks right?

F'%# Up #1:
Does that look like me?

F'%# Up#2:
Uh, it's the new you.

F'%# Up #1:
I don't know man. How do we even know these things are gonna work?

Zeke:
Trust me man, I'm brilliant.

F'%# Up #1:
Then why are you repeating your senior year?

Zeke:
Yeah, my parents are dead too.

Marybeth:
Really?

Zeke:
Well, they are still *breathing*, but for all intents and purposes they might as well be dead.

Stokely:
I'm not putting that hack drug up my nose - it's so eighties!

Zeke:
Aliens are taking over the earth. Weigh it!

Casey:
If you were going to take over the world, would you blow up the White House 'Independence Day' style, or sneak in through the back door?

Marybeth:
I'm pretty alien myself today.

Mrs. Karen Olson:
[after stabbing Principal Drake to death with a pair of scissors] I always wanted to do that.

[Stan wants to quit football to study]

Delilah:
You're not good at studying Stan, you're good at football. You should stick to what you're good at.

Stan:
Yeah, I've always been good at football, and basketball, and every other sport I've tried. I think maybe it's time I should try something I'm not so good at, something different.

Delilah:
And what am I supposed to do while you're on a yellow book quest for a brain?

Stan:
What?

Delilah:
The accepted social order is that head cheerleaders date star quarterbacks, not academic wannabees.

Stan:
Don't be so superficial...

Delilah:
Superficial... four syllables, that's really good Stan, you're on your way. Let me know how the cure for cancer goes.

Stan:
I was hoping you'd be with me on this...

[Stokley bumps into Stan]

Stokely:
Get a f***ing eye dog!

Stan:
Well maybe if you didn't paint your f***ing eyes shut!

Stokely:
Crash and burn, Casey.

Delilah:
[to Casey] You're that geeky Stephen King kid - there's one of you in every school.

Zeke:
[to Marybeth] Just doin' my part for the deconstruction of America.

Stokely:
Walk much?

Stan:
You ran into me, beast.

Zeke:
Hello Miss Burke!

Miss Burke:
Hello sweety pie, What are you looking for?

Zeke:
Ah, nothing important. So maybe you changed your mind about the chocolate laxatives?

Miss Burke:
Actually I had my heart set on something cherry flavored, if you know what I mean.

Zeke:
Sorry I'm all outta those but I have something else for you.

Miss Burke:
Yes?

Zeke:
Oh yeah.

Miss Burke:
Something tasty?

Zeke:
[softly] Let me hook you up.

Zeke:
Here, take this.

Casey:
Now Marybeth.

Zeke:
Sniff it.

Casey:
You're out of your f***ing mind!

Zeke:
I'm about to take my chances. I leave for five minutes, and when I come back everyone's a f***ing alien. Now, if I have to Men In Black your ass, you're gonna f***ing take it!

[Casey sniffs it hasefuly]

Casey:
Happy now?

Nurse Harper:
I'm saving my sick-days till when I'm feeling better.

Casey:
I say we go for the coach. He turned Stan. He's the one. Or do you want to wait for them to come to us?

Marybeth:
Either way we're completely unarmed.

Zeke:
Maybe not. I might have some more skat. In my trunk.

Casey:
In your trunk? In your car? Amongst the aliens? Oh, that's convenient.

Zeke:
[Holds up his car keys] You got a better idea?

Zeke:
Now, you, Delilah.

Delilah:
No. Her first.

Marybeth:
I'm allergic.

Delilah:
Yeah, and I'm Portuguese. Who cares?

Stokely:
You know, you were right about me. I don't have any friends and I like it that way. Being lesbian is just my security.

Marybeth:
Security against what?

Stokely:
People like you.

Marybeth:
Complex!

Zeke:
Crusoe was afraid he'd be stuck on the island with nothing but calluses.

Miss Burke:
That's not correct Zeke. Isolation was his greatest fear.

Zeke:
Yes, but his external existence was in no way compared to his internal agony of the loneliness he felt.

Miss Burke:
That's very good.

Zeke:
Like I said, calluses.

Nurse Harper:
There's not enough drugs in this world.

Mr. Furlong:
Kindly take your seats. This will be over quite quickly.

Delilah:
Hello Casey. Where ya gonna go, huh? The class wuss... eternal little loser who comes to school everyday knowing this is it. You've been labeled 'pathetic' since first grade and you're afraid it's going to bleed over for the rest of your life. Well we can stop it Casey. We can help you belong. Isn't that what you really want?

Casey:
Please don't do this Delilah.

Delilah:
I haven't been this happy since... since... before my dad died. You know you want me Casey. Come on. Let's do it together.

Delilah:
Your fanclub is here.

Casey:
Network or local?

Delilah:
Both.

Stan:
Open... the door. It is so much better. There's no fear. No pain. It's beautiful. And you will be beautiful. You'll be beautiful. No problems or worries. We want you. I want you. I... want... you... Now open the f***ing door!

Gabe:
Hey yo, pisswad, you're in my way.

Casey:
I'm sorry. I was breathing here.

Gabe:
Yeah, that's the problem, you're occupying my air, anal probe.

Stan:
[to Delilah] I'm not an alien, I'm discontent.

Delilah:
Don't you just love how Stokely accessorize with different shades of black?

Stokely:
F*** you gutter-slut.

Delilah:
I don't know why you keep being such a bad example for your people.

Marybeth:
What people?

Delilah:
I hope you're not a violent lesbian like your new found friend, here?

Marybeth:
No, I'm not aware of any lesbianism in my lineage.

Delilah:
That's too bad Stokely, guess you have to keep looking for Ms Right.

Stokely:
Bipolar b*tch.

Marybeth:
[to a pierced student] I really love what you've done with your nose-ring, it really brings out the color in your eyes.

Stan:
Coach, I've been thinking ahead, and I've decided to quit the team and concentrate on my academics.

Coach Willis:
Okay. Stan we'll miss you.

Stan:
That's it?

Coach Willis:
What do you want me to say? My star quarterback comes to me the day before we play in front of the county in the only team in the district that can kick our ass tells me he doesn't want to play. You seem to be going through some life defining turning point and I'm not going to stand in the way of the human condition. You do what you have to do.

Stan:
Thanks for not reading me, Coach.

Coach Willis:
What kind of human being would I be if I did that?

Marybeth:
This is your big secret? Caffeine pills?

Zeke:
[puts a rag on top of packages] You never saw that.

Stokely:
[about Delilah] Should've known that crazy b*tch was one of them.

Zeke:
[to Marybeth] So, if anyone finds us in here, just grab a hold of me and pretend we're making out. The punishment is less severe.

Zeke:
You both take the drug.

Casey:
Ohh... showdown!

Mrs. Jessica Brummel:
[regarding the aliens] You don't know what's happening. They want everyone!

[last lines]

Casey:
Things sure have changed, havent they?

Coach Willis:
[over the P.A. system after attacking Principal Drake; menacingly] Would Miss Drake please report to the Principal's Office?

Casey:
[after being told to sniff scat] Why me first?

Zeke:
It's your birthright man, just f***ing take it.

[first lines]

Coach Willis:
You got to pick up the line. God damn it! Get off the f***ing field you limp ass blow jobs!

Stan:
Is this gonna be on the test?

Mr. John Tate:
This is the test.

Casey:
We think aliens are taking over the school.

Stan:
You think aliens have infested our school?

Delilah:
That would explain their weird behavior, wouldn't it?

Stan:
Give me a f***ing break.

Mr. Furlong:
[pulling on gloves to inspect the weird specimen Casey brings to the classrom] "And now, I'm going to just check its prostate."

Zeke:
[while seeing 'alien'-Miss Burke looking for her head] Ah, f*** this, I'm outta here!

Stan:
Mrs Brummel, what the F***!