The Goonies

Mikey:
The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the bestest stuff for us. But right now they gotta do what's right for them, 'cause it's their time. Their time, up there. Down here it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket.

Mikey:
Don't say that, never say that! Goonies never say die!

Data:
Pinchers of Peril! Hey guys, I'm saved by my Pinchers of Peril!

Data:
Fifty Dollar Bill!!!

Data:
Holy S-H-I-T!

Data:
That's what I said, booby traps!

Brand:
I am going to hit you all so hard that when you wake up, your clothes will be out of style!

Brand:
Why couldn't I have a little sister? A sister instead of that!

Mouth:
Your looks are kinda pretty, when your face isn't screwing it up.

Mouth:
Yeah, but you know what? [holds up a coin] This one, this one right here... this was my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back.

Mouth:
What is this? A nuclear Saturday or something? Come on, guys. This is our last weekend together. Our last Goonie weekend. We gotta be going out in style. Cruising the coast, sniffing some lace, downing the brews, but noooo! One older brother had to go and screw it up. By flunking your driver's test? I don't know what to do with you kid.

Mouth:
Jerk Alert!

Mouth:
Hey Chunk, I got pictures of your mom naked in the bathtub. Wanna buy 'em? Real cheap!

Chunk:
See you guys, you never listen to me. I said there was gonna be trouble, but you didn't listen to me. You guys are crazy. You know you guys are self-destructive. There's a funny farm somewhere and it's got your names written all over it. But I'm gettin' outta here. I'm... I smell ice cream!

Chunk:
I like the dark. I love the dark. But I hate nature. I hate nature!

Chunk:
Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Andy:
I hit a wrong note. I'm not Liberace you know!

Andy:
Does Brand wear braces?

Andy:
Can I take piano lessons?

Andy:
Brand, What happened to your brace?

Stef:
Next time kiss with your eyes open. It's a whole different experience!

Stef:
This is ridiculous. It's crazy. I feel like i'm babysitting, except I'm not getting paid.

Stef:
Next time you kiss him, do it with your eyes open. It's a whole different experience.

Stef:
I lost my glasses.

Stef:
Your voice is kind of nice when your mouth isn't screwing it up.

Stef:
Martin Sheen? That's President Kennedy, you idiot!

Stef:
Brand, God put that rock there for a purpose... and, um... I'm not so sure you should, um... move it...

Chunk:
It was the most amazing thing I ever saw!

Mikey:
More amazing than the time Michael Jackson came over to your house to use the bathroom?

Brand:
More amazing than the time you saved those old people from that nursing home fire, right?

Mouth:
Yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in Godfather's pizza.

Chunk:
Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house. To use the bathroom. But his sister did!

Chunk:
Oh wow a police chase! [He goes up to the window but the Fratellis shoot his Coke and yogurt causing it to splash on his face] Aw sh*t!

Data:
Well, let me tell you what. That's where we're moving when we lose our house tomorrow.

Mikey:
Shut up about that stuff! It'll never happen! My dad will fix it.

Brand:
Yeah, sure he will... if he gets his next 400 paychecks by tomorrow afternoon.

Mikey:
Oh MY GOD!

Chunk:
What?

Mikey:
That's my mom's most favorite piece! [picks up the penis off a statue]

Mouth:
You wouldn't have been here if it wasn't.

Mikey:
Shut up Mouth!

Brand:
Shut up Mouth.

Mouth:
[laughs]

Mrs. Walsh:
Pants and shirts are in the second. Just throw them all into cardboard boxes. Forget the suitcases. Clark, can you translate all of that?

Mouth:
Why certainly, Mrs. Walsh.

Mrs. Walsh:
That's wonderful.

Mouth:
[to Rosalita in Spanish] The marijuana goes in the top drawer. The cocaine and speed in the second. The heroin in the bottom. Always separate the drugs.

Mrs. Walsh:
Now Rosalita, this is the attic. Mr. Walsh doesn't like anybody up here, ever. That's why it's always open.

Mouth:
[to Rosalita in Spanish] Never go up there. It's filled with Mr. Walsh's sexual torture devices.

Mrs. Walsh:
This is my supply closet. You'll find everything you need, brooms, dustpans, insect spray. I would really like the house clean when they tear it down. Clark, can you translate?

Mouth:
[to Rosalita in Spanish] If you do a bad job you'll be locked in here with the cockroaches, for two weeks without food and water.

Mrs. Walsh:
Okay, Rosie? Okay? You're going to be very happy here. Come on, Clark, we've got much more to do. You're so fluent in languages!

Rosalita:
[in Spanish] My God I'm in a crazy house!

Mrs. Walsh:
Ok, boys, I'm taking Rosalita to the store. Mikey, no more potato chips. Brand, if he's coming down with asthma, I want him kept inside.

Brand:
He should be put in a plastic bubble.

Mrs. Walsh:
[smacks Brand] I'm serious Brandon! That's not funny! He takes one step outside and you are in the deepest s[stammers]

Brand:
Sh*t, Mom.

Brand:
I don't like that language. But that's exactly what you're going to be in. [turns to Data] And you, Dota,

Data:
Data.

Mrs. Walsh:
Data. Ok. Use the back door from now on.

Data:
Ok.

Mrs. Walsh:
[points to the table] What is that?

Chunk:
Oh, sh*t. What?

Mrs. Walsh:
What is that? [points to potato chip crumbs on table] That is a mess! I want that cleaned up, boys!

Chunk:
Oh yeah sure! We'll take care of it! Don't worry.

Mrs. Walsh:
One hour, boys. Then I'll be back.

Mouth:
[to Rosalita in raspy voice] Adios, senorita!

Brand:
Bye mom!

Mr. Perkins:
Hello, little guys. I'm Mr. Perkins, Troy's father.

Data:
We know who Troy is, he's a cheap guy!

Brand:
My dad's not home, Mr. Perkins.

Mr. Perkins:
Is your mommy here?

Brand:
[sarcastic tone] No sir, actually she's down at the market buying Pampers for all us kids.

Mr. Perkins:
[faked laughter] Papers, Joe. You can give these papers to your father to read through and sign. We'll be by to pick them up in the morning.

Brand:
Thank you.

Mr. Perkins:
Thank you.

Mikey:
Hey, what is all that stuff?

Brand:
It's Dad's business.

Mikey:
But what is it?

Brand:
I told you, it was Dad's business. Look at 'em smiling.

Data:
They can't wait until tomorrow when they foreclose on all the whatever you call it!

Mouth:
And trash the Goon Docks...

Brand:
When they wreck our house, I hope they make it a sand trap.

Mikey:
And never get their balls out!

Chunk:
Hello, sheriff. I'm at the Lighthouse Lounge, and I want to report, well, a murder.

Sheriff:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, just hold on here. Is that you again, Lawrence?

Chunk:
Sheriff, look, this time I'm telling you the truth. I'm locked inside the Fratellis' basement with this guy.

Sheriff:
Like the time you told me about the 50 Iranian terrorists who took over all the Sizzler Steakhouses in the city?

Chunk:
[to Sloth] Sloth, get back here. Hold on. Sloth, what are you doing?

Sheriff:
Just like that last prank about all those little creatures that multiply when you throw water on them?

[The Goonies have entered a cave that turns out to be the bottom of the local wishing well, and Mouth is perusing the coins]

Mouth:
George Washington... Abraham Lincoln... Uh, Martin Sheen...

Stef:
Martin Sheen?! That's President Kennedy, you idiot!

Mouth:
Well SAME DIFFERENCE!!! He played Kennedy once!

Stef:
It's nice to see you're using your brain!

Mouth:
Well, at least I have a brain!

Stef:
So stupid, Mouth!

Mouth:
OH YEAH?!

Stef:
Yes. SHUT UP!!!!

Francis:
Tell us everything! Everything!

Chunk:
Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog...

Chunk:
Then my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then once during lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed all this fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then... then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

Jake gives Chunk a pat on the shoulder as he likes all the stories and thinking Chunk is not such a goody two-shoes.

Jake Fratelli:
I'm beginning to like this kid, Ma!

Ma Fratelli:
Hit puree!

Andi:
Oh my God, I hit the wrong key! I made a mistake!

Mikey:
Andi, it is OK to make mistakes. We all do. Just do not make any more.

Andy:
I can't tell... if it's an "A sharp" or if it's a "B flat"!

Mikey:
Heh, if you hit the wrong note, we'll all "B flat!"

Mikey:
Pee break! Who's gotta go?

[they all raise their hands]

Mikey:
Okay, this is the little boys' room, and that cave over there is the little girls' room

[Brand enters a third cave]

Mikey:
Brand, where are you going?

Brand:
This is the "men's room".

[Mouth and Data look at each other, smile, and follow Brand into the cave]

Mikey:
Hi Willie. Oh, I'm Mike Walsh. You've been expecting me, haven't you? Well I made it. I beat you. I got here in one piece... so far.

[lifts up Willie's patch, exposing bare bone rather than an eye socket] So... that's why they call you "One-Eyed Willie"... One-Eyed Willie... [takes a breath from his inhaler] We have a lot in common, huh, Willie? You know something, Willie? You're the first Goonie.

Mikey realizes the others have boarded the ship

Mikey:
Yo. Hi guys. How's it going? This is Willie... One-Eyed Willie. Say hi, Willie. Those are my friends... the Goonies. How long have you guys been standing there?

Brand:
Long enough, Mikey. Long enough.

Mikey:
Well, what are you guys waiting for, an invitation? Load up!

Goonies grab gold doubloons, pearl necklaces and expensive jewelry. Data is about to take gold coins from a scale but Mikey slaps his hand away, since that is booby-trapped.

Mikey:
Except for that. That is Willie's.

Andi:
Brand is being so sweet to me.

Stef:
Oh come on COME ON. Where are you? YOU are in the clouds and WE are in a basement!

They call themselves "The Goonies." The secret caves. The old lighthouse. The lost map. The treacherous traps. The hidden treasure. And Sloth... Join the adventure.

The pirates map, The villainous crooks, The underground caverns, The booby traps, the skeletons, The monster, the lost treasure, and the magic that is... THE GOONIES

It's excitement all the way as Steven Spielberg and Richard Donner, the makers of 'Indiana Jones', 'Gremlins' and 'Superman', combine forces to create the Family Adventure of the year!

Hey You Guuys

[Chunk is at an arcade near a freeway. He sees the Fratellis being chased by the police.]

Chunk:
Oh wow, a police chase! [He goes up to the window] With bullets! [pushes up against the window, causing his yogurt in his Pepsi cup to splash on his face; angered] Aw, sh*t!

Chunk:
Listen, okay. You guys will never believe me. There was two cop cars, okay? And they were chasing this four wheel deal, it was this real neat ORV, and there were bullets flying all over the place. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw!

Mikey:
More amazing than the time Michael Jackson came over to your house to use the bathroom?

Brand:
More amazing than the time you saved those old people from that nursing home fire, right?

Mouth:
Yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in Godfather's pizza, right?

Chunk:
Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did.

[Data puts a cassette tape saying "007" in boombox.]

Data:
'Kay, Data, don't mess this one up, and prepare for the Wings of Flight! [swings toward the Goon Docks as the 007 theme music plays in the background]

Mikey:
[notices Data] Uh-oh! Screen door! [to Mouth] Open the screen door!

Data:
Mikey! The screen door!

Chunk:
[after catching statue of nude man] Hey, I bet you guys thought I was gonna drop it, huh? [chuckles] I know you would think that from good ol' Chunk. [statue falls]

Brand:
[shocked and angry] You idiot!

Mikey:
[alarmed] Oh, my God!

Chunk:
[Mikey picks up statue] Look. It's not broken. It's perfect. Ha-ha! It's per...fect.

Mikey:
[notices statue missing penis; drops inhaler in shock] Oh, my GOD!

Chunk:
What? What?

Mikey:
That's my mom's most favorite piece!

Chunk:
What?

Mikey:
Ohh! [picks up the penis]

Chunk:
[laughs] Oh, my God!

Mouth:
You wouldn't be here if it wasn't.

Mikey:
Shut up, Mouth!

Brand:
Shut up, Mouth.

Data:
Hey, any of you guys ever hear of Detroit?

Mikey:
No.

Mouth:
Soitenly. Where Motown started. Also, it's got the highest murder rate in the country.

Data:
Well, let me tell you what. That's where we're moving when we lose our house tomorrow.

Mikey:
You shut up about that stuff, it'll never happen; My dad will fix it.

Brand:
Yeah, sure he will. If he gets his next 400 paychecks by tomorrow afternoon.

Mikey:
That's wrong, Brand; It won't happen!

Sloth:
[In a desiring tone as he watches a chocolate cake being made on a cooking channel] Chocolate! Chocolate.

Chunk:
Want a candy bar? [Pulls one out of his pocket] Look, I got a Baby Ruth! Sir?

Sloth:
What that? Ruth, Ruth, Ruth! Baby Ruth!

Andi:
Brand? Hurry, I'm in here. [singsong voice] With my eyes closed.

[Mikey fumbles around. Andi grabs him and passionately kisses him. Stef sees this, and quietly laughs and then goes away. Mikey goes the wrong direction.]

Stef:
Wrong way, lover-boy, it's this way.

Mikey:
[lovestruck] Thanks.

Stef:
Uh-huh. [Mikey leaves] [to Andi] Okay, you kissed. Now tell.

Andi:
There's something weird.

Stef:
What? What is it?

Andi:
Does Brand wear braces? [Stef guffaws] Why are you laughing? Stef, it was beautiful.

Stef:
Next time you kiss him, do it with your eyes open. It's a whole different experience.

Andi:
Ah, be careful around here, there's a hole I think. I think Brand was standing in it.

Mama Fratelli:
[Aims Mouth and Stef to walk off the plank] Go join your friends, you weasles!

Sloth:
HEY, YOU GUYS! [he and Chunk slide down the sail]

Stef & Mouth:
Chunk!

Mikey:
Chunk!

Mama Fratelli:
Sloth?! How did he get out?

Chunk:
Come on, save them! Save them, it's Mouth and Stef!

Mikey:
Mouth, translate.

Brand:
What'd you guys find, huh?

Mouth:
Ah, translate nothing! It's just a sketch of the old cannonball chamber. WHERE'S THE GOLD?!

Stef:
Where's the gold, Mikey?!

Mikey:
Brand, we can't go. We can't leave all that gold. That's our future.

Brand:
No, Mikey, we stay here, we got no future. Now, come on. We'll come back for it later.

Mikey:
[fully upset] All that rich stuff.

Brand:
COME ON! [grabs and drags him]

Mikey:
You guys, just what if this map can lead us to One-Eyed Willy's rich stuff? Then we won't have to leave the Goon Docks.

Mikey:
If I found One-Eyed Willy's rich stuff, I'd pay all my dad's bills. Then maybe he could get to sleep at night, instead of sitting up trying to figure out a way for all of us to stay here.

Mikey:
Guys, what are we gonna do about that country club? It's killing our parents. If we don't something now, there's gonna be a golf course right where we're standing.

Mikey:
Come on, Brand, please. What if we find something? A couple more minutes isn’t gonna hurt.

Mikey:
Chester Copperpot! Don’t you guys see? Don’t you realize? He was a pro! He never made it this far. Look how far we’ve come. We’ve got a chance!

Mikey:
Goonies never say die!

Mikey:
You know something, Willy? You’re the first Goonie.

Mikey:
Oh, who needs it? [throws his inhaler aside]

Mikey:
[last lines, watching One-Eyed Willy's ship, the Inferno, sailing away] Bye, Willy. Thanks.

Brand:
[after Chunk has glued the penis piece upside down on his [Brand] and Mikey's mother's mini replica of Michelangelo's David] Dork. If God made you do it that way, you'd all be pissing in your faces.

Brand:
Forget about any adventures, limp lungs. If I'd let you out, my mom will ground my ass and I got a date with Andy on Friday.

Brand:
[discovering that the Fratellis have been making counterfeit money] Hold on. Quiet! They're fake, they're bogus. They're phony, they're phony!

Andy:
I'm not a Goonie. I wanna go home.

Mouth:
Reverse PRESSURE!

Mouth:
[finding something on the Inferno that Mikey thinks he can translate] Ah, translate nothing! It's just a sketch of the old cannonball chamber!

Stef:
Martin Sheen? That's President Kennedy, you idiot! (Mouth: Well, same difference! I mean, he played Kennedy once.) Oh, that's really smart. I'm glad you're using your brain. (Mouth: Yeah, well at least I have a brain!) You're so stupid, Mouth. (Mouth: Oh, yeah?) Yes. Shut up!

Data:
Data's quite tired of falling, and Data's tired of skeletons!

Chunk:
Oh, God, am I depressed.

Chunk:
[finding the Fratellis' jeep in the garage] ORV. Bullet holes. [shocked in horror] Bullet holes?!

Chunk:
Mikey, this ain't the kind of place you wanna go to the bathroom in. (Mama Fratelli: Why not?) Because they might have daddy long legs in them.

Chunk:
It's a STIFF!

Chunk:
Look, mister, I need a ride. My friends and I just had a run-in with these really disgusting people, you might've heard of them, the Fratellis. We found their hideout. Could you please, please take me to the sheriff's station? I can describe all three of them.

Chunk:
We went over to Mikey's dad's place, and we found a map that said that underneath this place there's buried treasure.

Chunk:
[when the Fratellis are overrun by bats accidentally released by Brand] Hey, Mikey, if you can hear me, RUN! RUN! They're coming after you!

Chunk:
See, you guys? You never believed me. I said that there was gonna be buried… [Jake takes the ice cream and spoon out of his hands]

Chunk:
[meeting Sloth for the first time] Hi, sir. My name's Lawrence. Sometimes people call me Chunk.

Chunk:
Geez, mister. You're even hungrier than I am.

Chunk:
[to the Sheriff, pointing to the Fratellis] These are the bad guys! Those are the bad guys!

Chunk:
Sloth. You're gonna live with me now. I'm gonna take care of you. 'Cause I love you.

Sloth:
Chocolate!

Sloth:
Ruth, Ruth, Ruth! Baby Ruth!

Sloth:
Rocky Road.

Sloth:
H E Y Y O U G U Y S !!!

Sloth:
Ma, you've been bad!

Sloth:
Sloth love Chunk!