The Hour of the Pig

Albertius:
In a world where nothing is truly reasonable, nothing is truly mad.

[Richard is nude and embarrassed]

Maria:
Don't worry, I have brothers.

Richard Courtois:
You're a melancholy fellow, Mathieu. Get yourself smartened up and we'll go to a brothel.

Mathieu:
Brothel?

Richard Courtois:
Well, there won't be one in this piss-arse town, but there'll be one in L'Avignon.

Mathieu:
Maitre, this is the brothel.

Richard Courtois:
What?

Mathieu:
The Abville Inn is the Abville Whorehouse.

Richard Courtois:
[incredulous] What, that skinny girl? I never gave her a sous!

Mathieu:
They put it down as the "lodging tax."

Richard Courtois:
[of the priest's privately-expressed skepticism about witchcraft] Would you say all that in court?

Albertius:
Richard, I like it here; it's a very nice living. Having my balls burnt off in public might take some of the pleasure out of it.

Richard Courtois:
There must be priests in Hell.

Albertius:
Can't move for them.

Maria:
[cheerfully taking advantage of a hotel guest's morning hard-on] Waste not, want not!

Albertius:
...why, I myself saw the Bishop of Rheims pronounce the act of anathema against a swarm of locusts.

Richard Courtois:
Really? How did they take it?

Albertius:
Difficult to say with locusts.

Pincheon:
But it's Pearls to Swine! That's what they are, these peasant folk. Salt of the Earth... Scum of the Earth. I am the future of Maitre Courtois! Don't grow old and tired in a place like this.

Albertius:
Anyone who has read a book has been sent by the Almighty.

Richard Courtois:
[Awakens from a dream] Now why did I see that face?

Pincheon:
The Law must be brought to bear, whether it be against an imbecilic man, or a Pig of prestigious intelligence.

[Courtois laughs, and everyone just stares at him]

Filette d'Auferre:
Would you rather have a woman you knew to be a harlot that all the World thought was virtuous, or a woman you know to be pure that all the World thought was a harlot?

Richard Courtois:
...I'm sorry a woman...?

Filette d'Auferre:
[to Courtois] The chamber in which I would keep you is warm and you should never want to leave it.

Lady Catherine d'Auferre:
Oh! You are too forward, my dear.

Samira:
It was a nursery rhyme. It's the way you say it!

Richard Courtois:
So he's a spy for the Inquisition?

Tavernkeeper:
They don't know that we know.

First Witness:
It ran...

Richard Courtois:
Like a guilty thing? They say their lines well, don't they?

Richard Courtois:
He insulted her, you have to let her go!

Seigneur Jehan d'Auferre:
What was that, Courtois? I don't think anyone heard you...

Samira:
I love you, but I could not sing your songs. Marry the fine lady, have pretty children, shining and white. A part of me goes with you.

Richard Courtois:
You'd sell yourself for a pig?

Samira:
It's money and food for the winter.

Richard Courtois:
I'm looking forward to locking swords with you. [Pincheon just ignores him]

Richard Courtois:
[the "Witch" is going to be hanged on a technicality] Why didn't I know that?

Pincheon:
Custom and Practise!

Richard Courtois:
[shown a "Mark of Satan"] That was a birthmark before you stuck your dagger in it.

Albertius:
[things people say to him] "Father, is it a sin to shine a candle into a dying man's eyes?" He's dying! What does it matter, you might as well shove it up his arse.

Pincheon:
[dream sequence] The brain has a little eye that shows us what we've seen during the day.

Richard Courtois:
What, one law for the rich?

Seigneur Jehan d'Auferre:
Yes! Always!

Seigneur Jehan d'Auferre:
It's only a pig!

Richard Courtois:
No, not THAT pig. Not now.

Richard Courtois:
We must have a retrial. This pig has the same colour, the same markings.

Seigneur Jehan d'Auferre:
All this again?

Richard Courtois:
Well, let's clear this up. Pig, do you have a demon in you? [the farmer sticks it with a dagger and it squeals]

Seigneur Jehan d'Auferre:
Such a full and frank confession cannot be ignored.

Gerard d'Auferre:
[Courtois has noticed fieldmice impaled on a thornbush] Butcher bird! He's stocking his larder.

Seigneur Jehan d'Auferre:
[his son is insane] He'd nailed up three dogs. The one in the middle higher than the others. If anyone had seen it he'd be handed over to the Inquisition. I'm sending him to England. They have Musulmen, surgeons there who can help him.

Richard Courtois:
Look how she holds herself! Country girls, Mathieu.

Richard Courtois:
My God, that dog smiled at me.

Man Cuckolded by Albertius:
Where is he? I'll kill him! I'll cut his balls off!

Albertius:
They knew it was only a game.

Richard Courtois:
Really? Or were one or two of them afraid you really meant it?

Murderer:
[Courtois has exonerated him, thinking him innocent] I shoulda done 'im years ago...

Pincheon:
Will you raise your right hand? [Witness raises his left hand, so his testimony is now laughable]

Richard Courtois:
[sees the Pig] What is this?

Prison Warden:
Your Client!

Seigneur Jehan d'Auferre:
I have one other droit de seigneur.

Seigneur Jehan d'Auferre:
You look lost, Maitre. There's the door.

Jeannine Martin:
Look to the boy.

Albertius:
Jeannine said "Look to the boy".

Richard Courtois:
I did that and all I found was a little heap of bones and another good citizen too scared to... Wrong...?

Albertius:
Wrong boy.