Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place

Berg:
[upon meeting Ashley] See anything you like?

Ashley Walker:
Wow, where you get that line? Because you need to give it back.

Sharon Carter:
Actually, we're engaged "in theory."

Pete:
Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about.

Sharon Carter:
Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple - an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory.

Johnny Donnelly:
Good luck finding a card for that.

Berg:
I can't stand you.

Ashley:
I loathe you.

Berg:
I despise you.

Ashley:
I hate you.

Berg:
I can get us a room.

Ashley:
I can drive.

Sharon:
Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage.

Berg:
I never... want to forget that you said that.

Berg:
[About his use of an asthma inhaler] You know how they say not to exceed the daily recommended dosage?

Pete:
Yeah?

Berg:
Well I'm the guy... who exceeds it so they know why they shouldn't.

[About Pete]

Melissa:
What does he tell you about me?

Berg:
Everything.

Melissa:
Like what, everything?

Berg:
Like the first time he saw you, he said he actually felt his heart stop.

Melissa:
Really?

Berg:
And you... do a phenomenal Linda Ronstadt imitation.

Melissa:
Aww... Pete.

Berg:
And he hates sushi... but goes with you all the time because he knows you love it.

Melissa:
Why didn't he say anything?

Berg:
And you laugh like a mad scientist during sex.

Berg:
I don't like you being mad at me.

Pete:
I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me. Berg, I'm gonna be 25 and I don't even know where my life is - and the one good thing I had, I messed up. When my dad was my age, he had a house, he had a wife, he had me. I mean, what do I have?

Berg:
You have the ability to suck the life out of an evening.

Pete:
Irene, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you handle never winning.

Ashley:
Go like this. [pretending to get something out of her teeth]

Berg:
[picking his teeth] What, do I have something in my teeth?

Ashley:
No, now go away.

Pete:
I'm twenty-five, why are you telling people I'm thirty?

Berg:
You get better presents.

Berg:
Hi, my name is Berg... and I'm addicted to messing with Pete.

Berg:
Just remember that my eye drop experiments paid for that sofa.

Pete:
Berg, what color would you say that sofa is?

Berg:
I dunno... blue?

Ashley:
Well, a strong enough wind could blow it right over.

Pete:
[laughs] What, are you kiddin' me? You're a med student. What the hell do you know about architecture?

Ashley:
Well, my father's an architect.

Pete:
Yeah, well, my mother's a woman, but that doesn't mean I understand them.

Sharon:
It's true, he really doesn't.

Ashley:
Sharon doesn't want to rush into marriage and make the same mistakes that her mother did.

Berg:
Oh ,yeah, that's it.

Sharon:
That *is* it.

Berg:
I said, "Oh yeah that's it."

Berg:
So, your mother hates Johnny.

Sharon:
No, my mother loves Johnny.

Berg:
So, she loves Johnny too much.

Sharon:
No, my mother's been married three times.

Berg:
And once to Johnny!

Pete:
Berg, what you need is a little reenactment. Sharon? Would you like to play the part of Ashley?

Sharon:
Oh, yes... no... yes... no.

[to Pete]

Sharon:
I'm getting into character.

Pete:
Berg, I'm just not cut out to be a good person.

Berg:
I know. That's why the Lord gave us good looks.

Berg:
You know not with whom you mess.

Ashley:
Aww, you like Irene!

Berg:
[pretending he doesn't] *You* like Irene!

Ashley:
It's OK, Berg. Some people actually think it's a good thing to like the person you're making love to.

Berg:
We are not making love! We're having sex! We're having dirty, dirty sex!

Pete:
Berg, you can't sleep in my bed, people talk enough as it is. Go sleep on the couch.

Berg:
I can't sleep on the couch. Last week I spilled milk on it and for some reason it smells bad.

Pete:
So go sleep on the floor!

Berg:
I can't sleep on the floor.

Pete:
Why not?

Berg:
For some reason there's a trail of ants leading to the couch.

Berg:
Y'know, Turner and Hooch were talking earlier, and they said something very intriguing.

Pete:
Don't quote your shoes.

Berg:
"Stay close to the leader, or the race is lost."

Pete:
What do you think they meant by that?

Berg:
No idea. I'm gonna take them for a walk in the park, try and get it out of them.

Berg:
Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps.

Pete:
Oh. Oh, well listen... I'll give you the name of her connection -the post office!

[at a boxing match]

Ashley:
What am I doing here?

Sharon:
According to the Bible, to balance out "good."

Pete:
Ashley, if you're here, who's running hell?

Sharon Carter:
Oh, run away, you bimbos, the killer's right behind you! Don't turn around. Don't... start making out with the other girl. [reads video cover] "I Know Who You Did Last Summer." Cute, guys.

Sharon Carter:
Can I talk to you guys for a second? [storms past them]

Berg:
She knows.

Pete:
She does?

Berg:
Play dumb.

Pete:
We are dumb. [they walk over to Sharon]

Sharon Carter:
Are you guys nuts?

Berg:
[flipping a page on his notepad] I'm Nuts. This is my partner, Pretzels.

Pete:
What seems to be the problem, ma'am?

Marti:
[at the hospital] What's the quickest way outta here?

Berg:
Full-blown aneurism.

Pete:
Hey Berg, what do you thinks gonna happen to Sharon?

Berg:
I'm sure she'll settle down, have kids...

Sharon Carter:
[banging on glass from inside restaurant] Get your butts back in here!

Berg:
Take over Cuba...

Ashley Walker:
I was afraid.

Pete:
It was after sundown, what did you have to be afraid of?

Roger:
You don't even know Irene. To her what's important is what's inside a person and let me tell you something mister: my inside is something special.

Berg:
Well, sucks for you, you weren't born inside out

Katie:
I'm Katie Connor, we went to high school together.

Berg:
No, no we didn't. If there were girls who looked like you in high school, we wouldn't have need to turn off the lights at the dances.

Sharon Carter:
Are you guys nuts?

Berg:
I'm nuts... this is my partner, pretzels.

[ Trying to help Michael with a Maths problem]

Pete Dunville:
If there's three players on this side and there's nine players on this side it's

Michael Rush:
9 to 3, stop looking at me it's 9 to 3

Berg:
3 to 1!

Pete Dunville:
Very good Berg, tonight you get an extra hour of TV

[after discovering Berg took Michael to the dog track]

Pete Dunville:
[through his teeth] Michael go get ready for hockey practice, I need to talk to Berg

Michael Rush:
Oh boy, that's never good news at my house

Berg:
Me neither

Pete Dunville:
[ to Berg] Stay here and watch the pizza place and try not to take it to the dog track

Berg:
Michael come here, I want to talk to you for a minute [Michael sits on the couch] it's my fault you cheated

Michael Rush:
I didn't cheat

Berg:
What?

Pete Dunville:
Come on, let's go

Berg:
Hold on Pete, what do you mean you didn't cheat?

Michael Rush:
They thought I was cheating because I got all the answers right, they made me do the test in front of the principal, he had to apologize to me

Berg:
Peter?

Pete Dunville:
Just because it worked out, doesn't mean you were right

Berg:
Funny I feel right

Berg:
You're too young to bet!

Michael Rush:
You said!

Berg:
No I didn't tell you, you're going to go back tomorrow and give those shoes back to Jimmy Peterson

Michael Rush:
Do I have you?

Berg:
You bet your ass

Pete Dunville:
Berg?

Berg:
Rectum

[Michael laughs]

Pete Dunville:
Between the two of us, we're gonna make one pretty good Dad

[They exit the apartment and Michael walks out in his hockey gear]

Michael Rush:
Pete? Berg?

[Pete and Berg both barge back in repeatedly saying Sorry]

Kaitlin Rush:
[ About Michael] Boys need their toys

[Pete opens the door and Berg is twirling around a green light saber]

Berg:
Luke come to the dark side of the force

Kaitlin Rush:
[ to Pete] He'll be fine

[Johnny has entered behind them]

Pete Dunville:
Obviously you don't love Johnny the way I do

Berg:
I love Johnny

Pete Dunville:
I love Johnny too

Johnny Donnelly:
Guys I don't know how to tell you this but I'm already in a relationship [he smacks their butts]

Berg:
Johnny wait

Johnny Donnelly:
What?

Berg:
Nothing

Kaitlin Rush:
Do you have a kid to go with this stuff?

Pete Dunville:
Oh Michael is across the street in the park with Berg completing his Jedi training, the force is strong with him

Pete Dunville:
[to the tenants] Today can be our independence day.