Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Roger Rabbit:
Yeah. Check the probate. Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with HIS probate, and he had to take these big pills, and drink lots of water.

Eddie Valiant:
Not prostate, you idiot. PROBATE.

Eddie Valiant:
Anybody know you're here?

Roger Rabbit:
Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh...

Eddie Valiant:
Who?

Roger Rabbit:
Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, green grocerer, the butcher, the baker, they didn't know. But the liquor store guy... he knew.

Eddie Valiant:
In other words, the whole town knows you're here! Get out!

Jessica Rabbit:
You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.

Eddie Valiant:
You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.

Jessica Rabbit:
I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.

Roger Rabbit:
My only purpose in life is to make people laugh.

Eddie Valiant:
You crazy rabbit! I'm out there risking my neck for you, and what are you doing? Singing and dancing!

Roger Rabbit:
But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh.

Eddie Valiant:
Sit down!

Roger Rabbit:
You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh.

Eddie Valiant:
Then when they're done laughing, they'll call the cops. That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel.

Roger Rabbit:
Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.

Eddie Valiant:
Why? Because you made him laugh?

Roger Rabbit:
That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.

Roger Rabbit:
Okay, nobody move! All right, you weasels, grab some sky or I let the judge have it. You heard me, I said drop it!

Jessica Rabbit:
Roger, darling!

Roger Rabbit:
That's right, my dear. I'd love to embrace you, but first, I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage.

Judge Doom:
Put that gun down, you buck-toothed fool!

Roger Rabbit:
That's it, Doom. Give me another excuse to pop you full of lead. So you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Ha! We toons may act idiotic, but we're not stupid. We demand justice. Why, the real meaning of the word probably hits you like a ton of bricks.

Jessica Rabbit:
Roger! Roger, say something!

Roger Rabbit:
Look, stars! Ready when you are, Raoul.

Eddie Valiant:
Here's to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning.

Eddie Valiant:
You mean you could've taken your hand out of that cuff at any time?

Roger Rabbit:
No, not at any time, only when it was funny.

Dolores:
I would have been here right after you called, but I had to shake the weasels.

Jessica Rabbit:
I love you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit.

Dolores:
Is he always this funny, or only on days when he's wanted for murder?

Judge Doom:
Can you guess what this is?

Jessica Rabbit:
Oh my God, it's DIP.

Judge Doom:
That's right, my dear. Enough to dip Toon Town off the face of the earth. Vehicle of my own design; 5,000 gallons of heated dip, pumped at enormous velocity through a pressurized water cannon. Toon Town will be erased in a matter of minutes.

Judge Doom:
A few weeks ago I had the good providence to stumble upon a plan of the city council. A construction plan of epic proportions. We're calling it a freeway.

Eddie Valiant:
Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?

Judge Doom:
Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.

Eddie Valiant:
So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway? I don't get it.

Judge Doom:
Of course not. You lack vision, but I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on all day, all night. Soon, where Toon Town once stood will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tire salons, automobile dealerships and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see. My God, it'll be beautiful.

Dolores:
Is that a rabbit in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Raoul J. Raoul:
Cut. Cut, cut, cut, cut, *cut*.

Baby Herman:
What the hell was wrong with *that* take?

Raoul J. Raoul:
Nothing with you, Baby Herman. You were great, you were perfect, you were *better* than perfect. It's Roger, he keeps BLOWING HIS LINES. Roger, what is this?

Roger Rabbit:
A tweeting bird.

Raoul J. Raoul:
"A tweeting bird." Roger, read this script. Look what it says. It says, "Rabbit gets klunked, rabbit sees *stars*." Not birds, STARS.

Angelo:
Hey, I seen a rabbit.

Eddie Valiant:
Ya see?

Judge Doom:
Where?

Angelo:
He's right here in the bar.

Angelo:
Say hello... Harvey.

Roger Rabbit:
I told you so.

R.K. Maroon:
How much do you know about show business, Mr. Valiant?

Eddie Valiant:
Only that there is no business like it, no business I know.

R.K. Maroon:
Yeah. And there's no business more expensive. I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon. You've seen the rabbit blowing his lines. He can't keep his mind on his job. You know why?

Eddie Valiant:
One too many refrigerators dropped on his head?

R.K. Maroon:
Nah, he's a toon. You can drop anything you want on his head, he'll shake it off. But break his heart, goes to pieces just like you and me.

Judge Doom:
You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant?

Eddie Valiant:
Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of the year.

Judge Doom:
I'm surprised you're not more cooperative, Mr. Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that?

Jessica Rabbit:
Oh, no. Where's Roger?

Eddie Valiant:
Roger?. He chickened out on me back at the studio.

Jessica Rabbit:
No he didn't. I hit him in the head with a frying pan and put him in the trunk... so he wouldn't get hurt.

Eddie Valiant:
Makes perfect sense.

Eddie Valiant:
That lame-brain freeway idea could only be cooked up by a toon.

Baby Herman:
For crying out loud, Roger, I don't know how many times we have to do this damn scene! Raoul, I'll be in my trailer, taking a nap!

Baby Herman:
'Scuse me, toots.

Lt. Santino:
Gee whiz, Eddie, if you really needed money so bad, then why didn't you come to me?

Eddie Valiant:
Well, I took a couple of dirty pictures, so kill me.

Lt. Santino:
I already got a stiff on my hands, thank you.

Eddie Valiant:
Huh?

Lt. Santino:
Marvin Acme. The rabbit cacked him last night.

Lt. Santino:
Just like a toon to drop a safe on a guy's head.

Eddie Valiant:
I'm through with taking falls/And bouncing off the walls/Without that gun, I'd have some fun/I'd kick you in the

Roger Rabbit:
Nose.

Smart Ass:
Nose? That don't rhyme with "walls."

Eddie Valiant:
No, but this does.

Roger Rabbit:
Benny, is that you?

Benny the Cab:
No, it's Eleanor Roosevelt.

Eddie Valiant:
Nice monkey suit.

Bongo:
Huh. Wise ass.

Eddie Valiant:
Seriously, what do you see in that guy?

Jessica Rabbit:
He makes me laugh.

Eddie Valiant:
What's Up, Doc?

R.K. Maroon:
Valiant, are you trying to give me a heart attack?

Eddie Valiant:
You need a heart, before you can have an attack.

R.K. Maroon:
Yeah, yeah. You got the will?

Eddie Valiant:
Sure. I got the will. Question is, do you have the way? I can tell you now it ain't gonna come cheap.

Bugs Bunny:
Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumping without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it?

Mickey Mouse:
Yeah. You could get killed. Heh, heh.

Eddie Valiant:
Listen, do any of you have a spare?

Mickey Mouse:
Uh, Bugs does.

Eddie Valiant:
Really?

Bugs Bunny:
Yeah, but I don't think you want it.

Eddie Valiant:
I do, I do, give it to me.

Mickey Mouse:
Gee, better let him have it, Bugs.

Bugs Bunny:
Okay, Doc. Whatever you say. Here's the spare.

Eddie Valiant:
Thanks

Eddie Valiant:
OH, NO. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Mickey Mouse:
Aw, poor fella.

Bugs Bunny:
Yeah, ain't I a stinker?

Benny the Cab:
Sister Mary Frances. What the hell happened in here? I've been a cab for thirty-seven years, and I've never seen a mess like this.

Roger Rabbit:
Jumpin' Jeepers.

Benny the Cab:
Hey Roger, what do you call the middle of a song?

Roger Rabbit:
Gee, I don't know- A BRIDGE.

Eddie Valiant:
Nice booby trap.

Bongo:
What do you think you're doing, chump?

Eddie Valiant:
Who are you callin' a chump, chimp?

Bongo:
GRRRR!

Eddie Valiant:
AAAHH-OOF!

Bongo:
Don't let me catch your peepin' face around here again. Got it? GRR!

Eddie Valiant:
OOGA-BOOGA!

Smart Ass:
Stop that laughing. You know what happens when you can't stop laughing?

Smart Ass:
One of these days, you're gonna die laughing.

Smart Ass:
Don't make us play rough, Valiant. We just want the rabbit.

Roger Rabbit:
What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do?

Eddie Valiant:
What's all this "we" stuff? They just want the rabbit.

R.K. Maroon:
Kinda jumpy, aren't you, Mr. Valiant? it's just Dumbo.

Eddie Valiant:
I KNOW who it is.

R.K. Maroon:
I got him on loan from Disney. Him and half the cast of Fantasia. the best part is, they work for peanuts.

Betty Boop:
Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to color. But I've still got it. Boo boo be do, boo.

Eddie Valiant:
Dolores, you need to find yourself a good man.

Dolores:
But I already have a good man.

Roger Rabbit:
P-p-please, don't mind me.

Tweety:
Oh, wook! Piddies.

Eddie Valiant:
Hi, Tweety.

Tweety:
This wittle piddy went to market.

Tweety:
This wittle piddy stayed home.

Eddie Valiant:
No.

Tweety:
This wittle piddy had roast beef,

Tweety:
and this wittle piddy had...

Tweety:
Uh-oh, wan outta piddies.

Roger Rabbit:
Hide me Eddie... PLLLEASE. Remember you never saw me.

Eddie Valiant:
GET OUT OF THERE.

Roger Rabbit:
Boy, what is this, some kind of secret room?

Dolores:
It's a rotgut room, holdover from Prohibition.

Roger Rabbit:
Oh, I get it, a speakeasy, a gin mill, a hooch parlor.

Mrs. Herman:
Mommy's going to the beauty parlor, darling, but I'm leaving you with your favorite friend, Roger. He's going to take very, very good care of you, because if he doesn't... HE'S GOING BACK TO THE SCIENCE LAB.

Lt. Santino:
Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme.

Eddie Valiant:
And R.K. Maroon. And my brother.

Lt. Santino:
Now that's what I call one seriously disturbed toon.

Dolores:
Well, you wanna tell me what she was doing with her arms around you?

Eddie Valiant:
Probably looking for a good place to stick a knife.

Dolores:
Oh come on Eddie, I caught you with your pants down.

Benny the Cab:
Ah, that's better. I can't believe they locked me up for driving on the sidewalk.

Roger Rabbit:
Come on, Eddie, get in.

Benny the Cab:
It was just a couple of miles.

Eddie Valiant:
I'll drive.

Roger Rabbit:
But I wanna drive.

Benny the Cab:
No. I'll drive, I'm the cab. Outta my way, pencil neck.

Roger Rabbit:
Jeepers, Eddie. That was swell. You saved my life. How can I ever repay ya.

Eddie Valiant:
For starters, don't ever kiss me again.

Judge Doom:
You see, Mr. Valiant, the successful conclusion of this case draws the curtain on my career as a jurist in Toontown. I'm retiring, taking a new role in the private sector.

Eddie Valiant:
That wouldn't be Cloverleaf Industries, by any chance?

Judge Doom:
You're looking at the sole stockholder.

Roger Rabbit:
P-p-please, Raoul. I can give you stars. Just drop the refrigerator on my head one more time.

Raoul J. Raoul:
Roger, I've dropped it on your head 23 times already.

Roger Rabbit:
I can take it, don't worry about me.

Raoul J. Raoul:
I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about the refrigerator.

Eddie Valiant:
Scotch on the rocks. And I mean ice.

Jessica Rabbit:
Well, we're not going anywhere in my car. Let's take yours.

Eddie Valiant:
I have a feeling someone already did.

Jessica Rabbit:
From the looks of it I'd say it was Roger. My honey bunny was never very good behind the wheel.

Eddie Valiant:
Better lover than a driver, huh?

Jessica Rabbit:
You'd better believe it, buster.

R.K. Maroon:
Roger, I know this seems pretty painful now, but you'll find someone new. Won't he, Mr. Valiant?

Eddie Valiant:
Good looking guy like that? Dames will be breaking his doors down.

Roger Rabbit:
Dames? What dames?

Roger Rabbit:
Jessica's the only one for me. You'll see. We'll rise above this piddling pecadillo. We're gonna be happy again. You got that? Happy. Capital H-A-P-P-I.

Eddie Valiant:
At least he took it well.

Mickey Mouse:
Gosh, I wonder who he really was?

Bugs Bunny:
I'll tell you one thing, Doc. He weren't no rabbit.

Daffy Duck:
Or a duck.

Goofy:
Or a dog.

Pinocchio:
Or a little wooden boy.

Big Bad Wolf:
Or a... sheep.

Woody Woodpecker:
Or a woodpecker.

Sylvester:
Or a p*ssy.

Eddie Valiant:
Where's the other fifty?

R.K. Maroon:
Let's call the other fifty a carrot to finish the job.

Eddie Valiant:
You've been hanging around rabbits too long.

Dolores:
Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie. You know what happens here on Friday?

Eddie Valiant:
Fish special?

Dolores:
You know my boss check the books on Friday. If I don't have that money I gave you on the till by Friday I'm going to lose my job.

Eddie Valiant:
Don't bust a button, Dolores. You only have one left.

R.K. Maroon:
What are you going to do to me, Valiant?

Eddie Valiant:
I'm going to listen to you spin the Cloverleaf scenario. The story of greed, sex and murder. And the parts that I don't like, I'm going to edit out.

R.K. Maroon:
You got it all wrong, Valiant. I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer.

Eddie Valiant:
Everybody's gotta have a hobby.

Roger Rabbit:
Is there nothing that can permeate that impervious puss?

Bongo:
Got the password?

Eddie Valiant:
Walt sent me.

Smart Ass:
Look, Valiant, we got a reliable tip-off. The rabbit was here. It was corrugated by several others. So cut the bullshtick.

Eddie Valiant:
You keep talking like that and I'll have to wash your mouth off.

Eddie Valiant:
This singing ain't my line/ It's hard to make a rhyme/If I get stuck, I'm... I'm out of luck, I'm...

Jessica Rabbit:
I'm running out of time.

Eddie Valiant:
Thanks.

Roger Rabbit:
Keep it up, Eddie. You're killing 'em. You're slaying 'em. You're knocking 'em dead.

Roger Rabbit:
Benny, you go to the cops. I'm gonna save my wife.

Benny the Cab:
Be careful with that gun. This ain't no cartoon, you know.

Smart Ass:
Say, Judge. You want we should disresemble the place?

Judge Doom:
No, Sergeant. Disassembling the place won't be necessary. The rabbit is going to come right to me.

Judge Doom:
No toon can resist the old Shave-and-a-Haircut trick.

Roger Rabbit:
What could have possibly happen to you to turn you into such a sourpuss?

Eddie Valiant:
You really want to know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother.

Roger Rabbit:
A toon? No!

Eddie Valiant:
Yes, a toon. We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yukster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us, literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm, Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standing over me laughing, with those burning red eyes, and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that.

Eddie Valiant:
I'm glad Teddy isn't here to see me running with my tail between my legs.

Roger Rabbit:
It's not so bad, once you get used to it.

Eddie Valiant:
Weren't you the one I caught playing pattycake with old man Acme?

Jessica Rabbit:
You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those pictures.

Eddie Valiant:
What are you talking about?

Jessica Rabbit:
Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but he said that if I didn't pose for those pattycake pictures, Roger would never work in this town again. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant. Anything.

Eddie Valiant:
What a wife.

Judge Doom:
Shave, and a haircut...

Roger Rabbit:
TWO BITS!

Eddie Valiant:
Forget it. I don't work Toontown.

R.K. Maroon:
What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown.

Eddie Valiant:
Then get Joe to do the job, 'cause I ain't going.

Roger Rabbit:
No! Not my Jessica! Not pattycake! It can't be! It just can't be! Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! Jessica's the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The cream in my coffee.

Eddie Valiant:
Well you better start drinking it black, Acme's taking the cream now.

Jessica Rabbit:
Oh, Roger. You were magnificent.

Roger Rabbit:
Was I really?

Jessica Rabbit:
Better than Goofy.

Eddie Valiant:
A ladies' man, eh?

Baby Herman:
The problem is I got a fifty year old lust and a three year old dinky. Look, Valiant, the rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer, I should know, he's a dear friend of mine. I tell ya Valiant, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. The papers said Acme left no will. That's a load of succotash. Any toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us toons. That will is the real reason he got bumped off.

Eddie Valiant:
Has anyone ever seen this will?

Baby Herman:
Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.

Eddie Valiant:
If you think that guy could do anything solemn, the gag's on you, pal.

Baby Herman:
I just thought that since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might wanna help get him out. I can pay ya.

Eddie Valiant:
Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes.

Baby Herman:
My stogie. WAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAAAAAA. WAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Eddie Valiant:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that in a fit of jealousy you wrote your wife a love letter?

Roger Rabbit:
That's right! I knew that she was just an innocent victim of circumstance.

Eddie Valiant:
I suppose you used the old lipstick on the mirror routine.

Roger Rabbit:
Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found a nice, clean piece of paper.

Roger Rabbit:
"Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one-thousand. Two one-thousand. Three one-thousand. Four one-thousand. Five..."

Roger Rabbit:
Boy, did you see that? Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy. What timing! What finesse! What a genius!

Eddie Valiant:
Say, Roger. That letter you wrote to your wife at the Ink and Paint Club? Why don't you read it to her now?

Roger Rabbit:
Sure thing, Eddie. "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind and body..."? It's the will!

Eddie Valiant:
Keep reading.

Roger Rabbit:
"... do hereby bequeath, in perpetuity, the property known as Toontown, to those lovable characters, the toons"!

Roger Rabbit:
Nice shirt. Who's your tailor? Quasimodo?

Eddie Valiant:
She's married to Roger Rabbit?

Betty Boop:
Yeah. What a lucky girl.

Eddie Valiant:
So why come to me? I'm the one who took the pictures of your wife.

Roger Rabbit:
Yeah, and you're also the one who helped all these toons. Everyone knows that when a toon's in trouble, there's only one place to go: Valiant & Valiant.

Eddie Valiant:
Not anymore.

Eddie Valiant:
I don't know who's toonier, you or Doom.

Eddie Valiant:
Can I borrow your camera? Mine's at the shop.

Dolores:
Wouldn't be the pawn shop, by any chance?

Eddie Valiant:
C'mon, Dolores. You want the other fifty, I need the camera.

Eddie Valiant:
Any film in there?

Dolores:
Should be. Haven't had that film developed since our trip to Catalina. Sure was a long time ago.

Eddie Valiant:
Yeah. that was along time ago. We should do that again some time.

Dolores:
Yeah, sure, Eddie.

Roger Rabbit:
What are we going to do, Eddie? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

Eddie Valiant:
What's all this we stuff? They just want the rabbit.

Yosemite Sam:
Yeow! Ow! My biscuits are burnin'! Fire in the hatch! Great horny toads, that smarts!

Roger Rabbit:
When you called Maroon, you told him you had the will, but you don't. When he finds out, he's gonna be mad. He might try to kill you.

Eddie Valiant:
I can handle a Hollywood cream puff. I just don't want the odds to change. You stay here and cover my back. And if you see or hear anything, beep the horn twice.

Roger Rabbit:
Yeah, beep the horn twice. Cover your back. Boy, I'm ready. Dukes up. Eyes peeled. Ears to the ground. Why, nobody gets the drop on Roger Rabbit.

Roger Rabbit:
P-p-please, Eddie. You know there's no justice for toons anymore. If the weasels get their hands on me, I'm as good as dipped.

Eddie Valiant:
So, how long have you known it was Doom?

Jessica Rabbit:
Before poor Marvin was killed, he confided in me that Judge Doom wanted to get his hands on Toontown, and he wouldn't stop at anything.

Eddie Valiant:
So he gave you the will for safe keeping.

Jessica Rabbit:
That's what he told me, except when I opened the envelope, there was only a blank piece of paper inside.

Eddie Valiant:
Ha! A joker to the end.

Pppppleazzz

[after the weasels have searched Eddie and Jessica for the will, but have failed]

Doom:
Do they have the will or not?

Smart Ass:
Nah, just a stupid love letter.

Doom:
No matter. I doubt if that will is going to show up in the next 15 minutes, anyway.

Eddie:
What happens in the next 15 minutes?

Doom:
Toontown will be legally mine--lock, stock, and barrel.

Eddie:
D'you mean to tell me you could've taken your hand outta that cuff at any time?!

Roger:
No. Not at any time. Only when it was funny. Bl-bl-bl-! [jumps away as Eddie tries to hit him and spins in a chair] C'mon, Eddie! Where's your sense of humor?

Dolores:
Is he always this funny or only on days when he's wanted for murder?

Smart Ass:
Say, boss. You want we should "disresemble" the place?

Doom:
No, Sergeant. Disassembling the place won't be necessary. The rabbit is going to come right to me.

[he taps "Shave and a Haircut" on counter]

Doom:
No toon can resist the old Shave-and-a-Haircut trick. (taps "Shave and a Haircut" a few times)

Eddie:
I don't know who's toonier; you or Doom.

[Roger starts freaking out]

Eddie:
Roger!

[Doom taps "Shave and a Haircut"; Roger freaks out even more]

Eddie:
Roger! Roger, no!

[Doom taps "Shave and a Haircut" again; Roger violently freaks out to his limits]

Doom:
Shave and a haircut.

[Roger crashes through the wall]

Roger:
2 BITS!!

Eddie:
Happy Trails.

Roger:
No, thanks, Eddie. I'm tryin' to cut down.

Eddie:
Drink the drink!

Roger:
But I don't want the drink!

Doom:
He doesn't want the drink.

Eddie:
He does!

Roger:
I don't!

Eddie:
You do!

Roger:
I don't!

Eddie:
You do!

Roger:
I don't!

Eddie:
You do!

Roger:
I don't!

Eddie:
You don't.

Roger:
I do!

Eddie:
You don't!

Roger:
I do!

Eddie:
You don't!

Roger:
[takes the drink] Listen! When I say "I do", that means I do!

Judge Doom:
[after showing Eddie his true form: A toon; as his voice grows higher-pitched every second] Remember me, Eddie?! When I killed your brother, I talked just... like... THIS!