Game of Thrones, Season 2

Joffrey Baratheon:
You're the Master of Whisperers. You're supposed to know everything.

Varys:
No man can be in all rooms at all times. I have many little birds in the North, My Lord, but I haven't heard their songs since Theon Greyojoy captured Winterfell.

Joffrey Baratheon:
The Stark forces are distracted. Now is the time to strike.

Tyrion Lannister:
To strike? My dear nephew, you do see these men preparing the walls for siege? You do understand Stannis Baratheon sails this way?

Joffrey Baratheon:
If my uncle Stannis lands on the shores of King's Landing, I'll ride out to greet him.

Tyrion Lannister:
A brave choice, Your Grace. I'm sure your men will line up behind you.

Joffrey Baratheon:
They say Stannis never smiles. [unsheathes his dagger] I'll give him a red smile, from ear to ear.

(Joffrey walks away, Tyrion and Varys look at each other in amusement)

Tyrion Lannister:
Imagine Stannis's terror.

Varys:
(deadpan) I am trying. (they observe the fortifications)

Tyrion Lannister:
You're an intelligent man. I'd like to think I'm an intelligent man.

Varys:
Oh, no-one disputes that, my Lord... not even the multitudes who despise you.

Tyrion Lannister:
(deadpan) I wish we could converse as two honest, intelligent men.

Varys:
( glances at him, equally deadpan) I wish we could, too. (pause, Tyrion stares at him)

Tyrion Lannister:
What do you want? (Varys looks him in the eye) Tell me.

Varys:
If we're going to play, you'll have to start. (Tyrion shrugs, they both walk over to the edge of the battlements)

Tyrion Lannister:
My brother was the youngest Kingsguard in history. My sister became Queen at the age of nineteen. When I reached manhood... my father put me in charge of all the drains and cisterns in Casterly Rock.

Varys:
A most high-born plumber.

Tyrion Lannister:
The water never flowed better, and all the shit found its way to the sea. I never expected to have any real power, so when my father named me acting Hand-

Varys:
You're quite good at being Hand, you know. Jon Arryn and Ned Stark were good men- honorable men- but they disdained the Game and those who played. You... enjoy the Game.

Tyrion Lannister:
I do. Last thing I expected.

Varys:
And you play it well.

Tyrion:
I'd like to keep playing it. (they both look out over Blackwater Bay) But if Stannis breaches the gates, the Game is over.

Varys:
They say he burns his enemies alive, to honor the Lord of Light.

Tyrion Lannister:
The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where is the god of tits and wine?

Varys:
In the Summer Isles, they worship a fertility goddess with sixteen teats.

Tyrion Lannister:
We should sail there immediately. (Varys looks around, then leans close to Tyrion)

Varys:
This morning, I heard a song- all the way from Qarth, beyond the Red Waste. (Tyrion glances at him) Daenerys Targaryen lives.

Tyrion Lannister:
A girl at the edge of the world is the least of our problems.

Varys:
She has three dragons... but, even if what they say is true, it'll be years before they are fully grown... and then there will be nowhere to hide.

Tyrion Lannister:
One Game at a time, my friend.