Saturday Night Live, Season 6

Charles Rocket:
Meanwhile, actor Cary Grant today, slapped former Weekend Update anchorman Chevy Chase, with a $10 million defamination suit, for allegally calling him a "homosexual" on NBC-TV's "Tomorrow" show. Grant charges that Chase's remarks were completely and totally false, and added, "He's the homo, not me. And one more crack like that and I'll scratch his eyes out, Mary!"

Charles Rocket:
{to Cuban couple} Tourists, are you?

Cuban Man:
{speaks Cuban and translates} It means, "how do you do?"

Charles Rocket:
Okay, well, sounds like you've got a couple of drinks this afternoon, huh?

[On Weekend Update, during the Saturday Night Sports segment]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed:
All I'm saying is that y'all stay on the hockey courts and the polo fields, and let us stay on the basketball courts. 'Cause if God would have wanted whites to be equal to blacks, they should have one of these.

[He pulls out a boombox]

NBC Executive:
There's just one thing. You are a virgin, aren't you?

Cheerleader:
I'm sure... [realized she is not] I- [NBC executive walks away] Wait!

Nun:
Damn you, Father Sarducci!

Eddie Murphy:
How you'd doing? I'm Eddie Murphy. Anybody in the audience ever- (audience cheers enthusiasticly) Thank you! Thank you. How many people in the audience have seen black people fight before? (the audience cheers enthusiasticly) For those of you who haven't, I'll show you what it's like: (he turns his head and falls into character) "What did you say to me, man? What? Now, wait a second! Now, be cool, man! Me and you gonna talk!" (looks to his side) "Little Dude, did you hear what he said about my momma? The dude said my momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand! Now, my momma ain't got no kickstand on it, man! It's just a regular wooden leg! Don't you exaggeratin' about my momma, man!" (he looks around himself) "He said WHAT?! Your momma got a wooden leg with a KICKSTAND on it?! You crazy man! You should whip his behind, man! Whip it, what, just like that record sing: Whip it! Whip it good! Put your FOOT in his BUTT! Keep it there for a little while!" "Hey, be cool, little dude! I'm gonna say something about his momma! Say, man! (to the little dude) Listen to this here. Say, man! Your momma... got some MOUTH in the back of her NECK! And the bitch chew like this! (He stretches his arms out and swings his head up and down in rhythm) Hear what I say about his momma, little dude?" (laughing as Little Dude) "Momma got a mouth in the back of her neck and chew like!" (imitates motion) "I can't breathe! I can't breathe! Oh! Oh! Whip his butt! Don't be changin' the subject, you gettin' your behind WHIPPED! Believe me!" (does a double take) "Say, man- put that gun away! Whatchoo gonna do with that gun, shoot somebody? Well, then, SHOOT HIM! Go ahead, shoot him! He's messing with you, not me! Shoot him!" "That's right, man! Shoot me, if you gonna shoot somebody!" (He makes a popping noise, then looks down at the little dude) "Nice shot, man!"

Eddie Murphy:
Now I know what you're saying, "This kid is young. Will he ever burn out?", I don't think so.

Mr. Robinson:
Did your mamma slap you? Then you said it right!

Charles Rocket:
Listen here Ronnie baby! If you wanna make some money, why won't you have Nancy shop at Sears?!

[During the goodnights, Charles Rocket is in his wheelchair with a bandage on the wound of his neck]

Charlene Tilton:
Charlie, how do you feel when you got shot?

Charles Rocket:
[muttering] Oh man, I have been shot through my entire life. I like to know who the f*** did that?

[The cast responded with a mix of shock and laughter to the curse word]

Charlene Tilton:
Okay!

Ann Risley:
The press hasn't been overly kind.

Bill Murray:
Yeah, I read that stuff: "Saturday Night Live is Saturday Night Dead."

Cast:
[groans] Oh, come on, geez.

Bill Murray:
"From Yuck to Yeech." [cast groans still] My favorite though, is, "Vile From New York."

Cast:
[groans] Please, Bill.

Bill Murray:
Come on! It's funny, it's funny!

Al Franken:
After five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen] So, NBC wants to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen again] But instead, without consulting the show's staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian. Now, I don't want to be cruel to Jean -- because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Anyway, it took NBC 12 shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone like me, Al Franken? [His name appeared again] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn't know Dick. Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No english-speaking person could do the worst job than Jean. And I think it's time that we should get this tired old format off the air. So if you write for me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Just write to: Put SNL To Sleep, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10020. And one more thing, me and Tom Davis are hosting Saturday Night Live next week, with musical guest, The Grateful Dead. So watch that. After that, don't watch it anymore.

[Audience applauds]

Chevy Chase:
And that's the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.