Mr. Bean

Student:
Done your revision?

Mr. Bean:
Uh, oh yes. I concentrated on trigonomentry.

Student:
I-I-I-I've done calculus, mainly.

Mr. Bean:
Oh! I believe they concentrated on calculus last year!

Student:
Oh! Oh dear!

[Mr. Bean snickers]

Instructor:
Quiet, ladies and gentlemen. The exam will commence in two minutes

[The student beside him places a pen on the table] (please edit this line)

Instructor:
Ladies and gentlemen, you may open the envelopes containing your papers. The exam starts... now.

Mr. Bean:
Mummy!

[Cut to the clock, many minutes have passed]

Instructor:
Two minutes, ladies and gentlemen. At the end, would those with the green calculus papers, please put them in the green box; and those who answered the white trigonometry papers, please put them in the white box. (Audience laughing at "...trigonometry papers...")

Instructor:
Stop writing, please.

Instructor:
I said, "stop writing".

[Bean faces the instructor but still writing]

Instructor:
Will you stop writing?!

[Bean's alarm clock rings, and Bean uses it as it were a hammer to stop the ringing]

'Waiter"':
Would you like to try the house wine?

[Bean is in a Restaurant and has just tried his Steak Tatare which he doesn't like. He is making an awful face]

Manager:
Everything to your satisfaction sir?

Bean:
[Grinning] Mmmm.

[Manager goes away and Bean grimmaces again]

Waiter:
Is everything all right sir?

Bean:
Oh yes

Waiter:
Are you sure?

Bean:
Mmmm, yes. [Picks up a forkful as if he is about to eat it but hesitates to put it in his mouth]

[The Waiter goes and Bean quickly disposes of the offending food]

Lifeguard:
Would you get out of there, please?

Lifeguard:
Everybody out now, please.

Mr. Bean:
Just popped out for lunch

Man in Park:
Me, too. Nothing like a quick sandwich.

Mr. Bean:
No, absolutely.

[Bean has spread butter onto his sandwich with his credit card]

Mr. Bean:
My flexible friend.

Mr. Bean "ATCHOO!"

Mr. Bean:
No! These are mine.

Mr. Bean:
Come on!

[At a magic show Bean is onstage and the magician has made his watch disappear. Drumroll.]

Mr. Bean:
I'm looking for my watch. It fell down here...

[The assistant puts Bean into a magic box]

Mr. Bean:
Wait!

[The magician closes the magic box with the square slot. Bean opens the slot, revealing his face.]

Mr. Bean:
(to the magician) Excuse me, I'm looking for my watch!

[The magician immediately shuts the slot. His assistant throws him a sword. He proves the audience that the swords are real and thrusts them at the box.]

Man on audience:
Behind you!

[Meanwhile, Mr. Bean is already outside the box and tries to find his watch. Several cuts between Bean and Irma. The magician thrusts more swords into the box]

Another man on audience:
Boo!

[Mr. Bean finds his watch behind the magician's pants, cut to table where Irma was sitting, she disappears. Mr. Bean runs out from the stage, from to the room. Crowd boos. The magician comes out from the room, but cannot find Mr. Bean, who is in the disco room.]

[Rupert and Hubert have put the clock forward to midnight while Bean is out of the room so they can escape his dull New Year's Eve Party]

Rupert and Hubert:
Ah, Happy New Year!

Mr. Bean:
Goodness me. Doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself? I know! (shaking hands while singing):

Mr. Bean, Rupert, and Hubert:
Should auld acquaintance be forgot...

Mr. Bean:
Oh! (brings Teddy, then all sing Auld Lang Syne again)

Mr. Bean:
(mimicking as Teddy) Hooray, hooray!

(Rupert and Hubert yawn, say goodbye to Bean; removed partyhats but goes to another room)

Partygoers:
(counting down from 10) ...3, 2, 1! Happy New Year! (singing Auld Lang Syne; Bean checks clock above fireplace and another on his cabinet)

A Partygoer:
Three cheers for Rupert and Hubert!

(Audience laughs, as Bean goes back to bed.)

[Bean is playing Bingo with a mouthful of water and a goldfish]

Caller:
Everyone's ready. Eyes down. The first one is on white, and it's five and seven, 57. Green, seven and four, 74. White, five and seven, 57. Yellow, one and seven, 17. Red, lucky number, number seven. Green, seven and two, 72. Blue, three and two, 32. And blue, three and five, 35. Blue, three and seven, 37. White, 6-0, white 60. Yellow, two and five, 25. White, five and four, 54.

(Bean clicks 54 on his board)

Caller:
Green, seven and one, 71. Yellow, two and three, 23.

Caller:
Green any way round 69.

(Bean clicks 69 on his board, forming a foward diagonal bingo.)

Mr. Bean:
(Swallows goldfish) Bingo!

(Bean spits out the goldfish and water, landing onto a fishbowl with another fish.)

Mother:
It's just gone! The pram, it just went! Oh! It's my baby!

Man:
What the hell do you think you're doing?! Pinching my bottom in a hospital queue?

Clerk:
Good morning, name please?

Mr. Bean:
Um, Bean.

(laughter)

Clerk:
And what is the problem?

[Bean whispers to the clerk]

Clerk:
Have a ticket and take a seat please, Mr. Bean.

[Nurse on P.A.]

[Bean Was Bored to wait for Barber and play with scissors and comb. Suddenly, door opens and Woman and young boy comes In]

Woman:
Sorry, Derek, can you just leave Jamie here with you, I just left my purse in the shop back there, so just give him a good haircut - be good Jamie, it's a terrible mess?

Jamie:
Yeah, yeah, that's right!

Woman:
All right, keep the change

Roger:
Morning, Derek!

Derek:
Good morning.

Roger:
The usual please, Derek.

(doorbell)

Man with ponytail:
I was first. Just the split ends at the back. (Bean sprays the man's hair, and uses the mirror, but steals a picture from the board, and presents the man with the mirror with the picture.) All right, keep the change.

Derek:
Oh dear, what a day!

Roger:
Thanks, Derek! Very nice.

Derek:
Roger? Roger!

Woman:
Wait, where is he?

Derek:
Whoa! What... what?

Woman:
Where is he? What on earth do you call this?! (removes Jamie's cap, revealing the Bean's artistic hairstyle)

Jamie:
But I like it.

Woman:
You don't like it.

Jamie:
I do!

Woman:
Shut up, Jamie. Now look, listen to me...

Derek:
What are you trying to say?

Man with ponytail:
Oi! Where's my ponytail?

Woman:
...what I am trying to say, my son looks like an ape! (the man presents Derek the cut part where his hair used to be)

Derek:
Don't shout, madam!

Man with ponytail:
Have you got any idea how long it took me to grow that?

Woman:
(to the man) Excuse me, excuse me! (to her son) Shush!

Man with ponytail:
Nearly two and a half years, and your man chops it off in less than two minutes! Where is he?

(Bean with the Prince Charles calendar/picture is walking sideways, passing Derek and the angry customers.)

Roger:
Have you seen this? (points at his hair, then bows at Bean, thinking he was Prince Charles) Sir! (Bean twirls his two fingers.) Derek, have you gone mad? (indistinct arguing)

Man with ponytail:
Your assistant, where is he?

Woman:
Derek, whatever your name is...

(Bean, still wearing the calendar, peeks at the door and leaves)

Old man:
Would you like a go? (Bean gives some coins to him) Thank you.

(Bean plays the wire, but another buzzer sounds and he returns the object back)

Old man:
Another one? (Bean gives more coins to him) Thank you.

(Bean snaps the plug under the table game, then moves the object to the other side of the wire without any buzzing sounds.)

Old man:
Well done, sir.

Mr. Bean:
Thank you.

(The old man notices the plug and outlet cut by Bean.)

(Cut to another parlor game, this time it is called "Hit the Headmaster", a man with glasses facing a large board with a picture of a headmaster. A girl giggles as she throws sponges on the face of the headmaster. She misses three times.)

(Bean wants to play Hit the Headmaster, and gives coins to the man with another bucket of sponges and some large rings)

Man:
Thank you very much.

(Bean squeezes the first sponge to prove it is wet and soft, then throws toward the headmaster, but misses. Bean snickers, then throws two more sponges, one reaching above the headmaster's face, he laughs, then throws the last sponge, but also misses. Bean looks at the bucket with no sponges, then drops the bucket. Burst of laughter from the audience as he throws cans of peas from a nearby table at the headmaster, frightening the headmaster. He also throws a cereal box. He gets two more cans of peas.)

Man:
Oi, oi, oi! (Hands the can, but throws the other one to the headmaster, but misses again. Bean goes off-screen, and back, preparing to throw a chair)

Man:
No! (The man takes the chair away from Bean. Bean glares at the headmaster, with little reaction from the headmaster)

Judge 2:
All right, quiet please! Quiet. The obedience test.

Boy 1:
Stay, stay, stay... (his dog rushes to him)

[Near the end of the episode, Bean discovers from his attic window that the rain has stopped, just as he finds a new umbrella in his attic]

Mr. Bean:
It's stopped!