Two and a Half Men, Season 1

Charlie:
How did you get in my house?

Alan:
Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!

Charlie:
Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.

Jake:
Why is your head exploding?

Charlie:
Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.

Jake:
If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?

Charlie:
Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.

Jake:
You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."

Charlie:
Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.

Jake:
My parents are splitting up.

Charlie:
Yeah, looks that way. You're lucky. When I was a kid I could only dream about my parents splitting up.

Jake:
Your mom is my grandma.

Charlie:
Yeah.

Jake:
Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

Charlie:
Look at you all grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now, on a scale from 1 to...2?

Alan [to Jake]:
Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.

Charlie:
OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Alan:
OK, I put the groceries away, I folded the laundry, I put Jake to bed....

Charlie:
The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.

Alan:
Yeah, well it's all I got. I gotta go.

Charlie:
Where are you going?

Alan:
Take out the garbage.

Charlie:
Today wasn't garbage day.

Alan:
No, not here, at Judith's.

Charlie:
At Judith's? Alan, your wife threw you out.

Alan:
Well that doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore.

Charlie:
It kinda does. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?

Alan:
...The-they're on wheels.

Alan:
We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.

Charlie:
"We"?

Alan:
Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.

Charlie:
Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom?

Cab Driver:
Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.

Charlie:
Ah, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.

Alan:
That's right! And - and she made him so scared of intimacy that - that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.

Charlie:
Damn her.

Cab Driver:
You know, many psychologists agree: Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.

Charlie:
Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

Judith:
[About Jake] He can't go in the water this weekend, he's got an ear infection.

Jake:
Awwwww, Mom...

Alan:
No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.

Charlie:
Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial.

Alan:
I even made your coffee.

Charlie:
Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.

Alan:
But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.

Charlie:
Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.

Alan:
Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--

Charlie:
It means "like Christmas".

Alan:
No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...

Charlie:
I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.

[Berta has lower back pain while lifting up a laundry basket]

Alan:
You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a dirty look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.

Berta:
I'm a housekeeper.

Alan:
Of course.

Berta:
And you're an ass.

Alan:
You know what, Charlie? You're impossible! I give up. I'll go get Berta back.

Charlie:
Fine! Good!

Alan:
All right, where does she live?

Charlie:
I don't know.

Alan:
All right, what's her last name?

Charlie:
I don't know.

Alan:
Your entire life revolves around this woman and you don't know anything about her!

Charlie:
Wait!.... She took a bus!

Alan:
I stand corrected.

Alan:
Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed. No one won, no one lost.

Jake:
Yeah, except for us, 12 to 2.

Charlie:
Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Charlie:
Hey, we're here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.

Alan:
Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [stands up] Who are we kidding? It's 8 to 1 out there and everybody here knows it. And-- and you know, I'll tell you another thing! We haven't won a game all season, and I'm putting that in the newsletter! And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!

Jake:
Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.

Charlie:
Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

Evelyn:
I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.

Both:
Well...

Alan:
Jake has this thing...

Charlie:
Got work.

Alan:
Judith will have Jake.

Charlie:
Don't really want to.

[Evelyn finds out that Charlie previously dated her boyfriend Tommy's daughter, Olivia]

Evelyn:
Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?

Charlie:
Come on, we went out a couple of times. She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset. [waves at Olivia after she stares at him] Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy. I'm-- I'm very happy for you. Good night. [starts to leave]

Evelyn:
Charles, you are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.

Charlie:
Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her!

Alan:
Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!

Charlie:
Which half?

Alan:
Hey, where have you been?

Charlie:
I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

Alan:
You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?

Charlie:
What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!

[Jake enters the kitchen]

Jake:
Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?

Alan:
Cancún?

Jake:
No, it's spelled "Can-cun".

Alan:
It's in Mexico. Why?

Jake:
We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.

Alan:
What are you reading?

Jake:
Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

Charlie:
So what's the deal with your teacher?

Jake:
Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.

Charlie:
That could work.

Judith [to the class]:
OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.

Alan:
Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?

Judith:
Excuse me?

Alan:
Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

Jake:
Hey, what you doing?

Charlie:
Trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles and the Industrial Revolution. What's up?

Jake:
I just talked to my dad. He said that he and Mom aren't getting back together again.

Charlie:
Yea. [puts the book down] How you doing with that?

Jake:
I'm not sure. I like that I get to stay here on weekends.

Charlie:
That's cool. I like that, too. But you gotta be sad about your folks though, right?

Jake:
No, I'm okay.

Charlie:
Jake, it's okay to feel sad, I've been told. And this is a sad thing.

Jake:
My dad's not sad.

Charlie:
Of course he is. He's just trying to protect you.

Jake:
From what?

Charlie:
From being sad. [Jake frowns] Yea, I know, it's a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.

Jake:
What?

Charlie:
It's not important. All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it's okay. Understand?

Jake:
Yea.

[Charlie holds out his fist and Jake bangs his fist against it. Jake gets up and goes through to the next room where Alan is sitting at his desk.]

Alan:
Hey buddy.

[Jake doesn't say anything but just gives him a big hug.]

Jake:
It's okay, Dad.

Charlie:
Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.

Jake:
I don't hate you.

Charlie:
Good.

Jake:
I'm just very disappointed in you.

Charlie:
Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.

Charlie:
It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that... you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. [Jake folds his arms in disgust] Wow. I do suck.

Charlie:
I have a kid now.

Lisa:
Oh, God, Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?

Charlie:
No, no, it's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.

Lisa:
Yeah, right, family guy. How's it going with your mom?

Charlie:
What the hell does my mom have to do with family?

Alan:
Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.

Judith:
Thank you, Alan.

Evelyn:
That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.

Lenore [Judith's mom]:
Does that mean what I think it means?

Alan:
You haven't told them?

Judith:
No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.

Alan:
[about Judith] What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!

Charlie:
Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.

Alan:
Where do you get this stuff?

Charlie:
I make it up.

Alan:
Where's my mother?

Jake:
She left.

Alan:
Why?

Jake:
I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.

Jake:
I don't wanna go clothes shopping. I'm not the one that needs a new look, so why do I have to go?

Alan:
Come on, Jake, get your jacket and let's go.

Jake:
Fine, I'll get my stupid jacket, then we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go to the stupid mall and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.

Charlie:
Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Charlie:
Come on, Alan. If you change your look you might be able to land someone in the dating game. You know, like Judith is.

Alan:
I don't need to land anyone in any game.

Charlie:
Fine, I'm here if you need me.

Alan:
I'm fine. So Jake, what's new?

Jake:
My soccer coach sings a lot now.

Alan:
Why?

Jake:
No reason. But I think it's the same reason Mom sings all the time now.

Alan:
Oh, all right.

Jake:
I'm done. Can I go watch TV now?

Alan:
Sure. [Jake goes off] ... Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason too!

Charlie:
Berta?

Berta:
No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.

Charlie:
I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?

Berta:
I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.

[Jakes meets Prudence, Berta's 16-year-old grand-daughter]

Jake:
Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?

Berta:
Oh, honey, don't get me started.

Jake:
What does that mean?

Berta:
It means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.

Alan:
Jake, come here, sit down.

Jake:
Did I do something wrong?

Charlie:
No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.

Jake:
[sits down] OK.

Alan:
Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.

Jake:
Yeah.

Alan:
Well you...

Charlie:
You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.

Jake:
Why?

Alan:
Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.

Jake:
Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.

Charlie:
That too.

Jake:
OK.

Judith:
[Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?

Jake:
Sure. [Walks out with Judith]

Judith:
So how was your weekend?

Jake:
Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

Alan:
All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!

Charlie:
Why not?

Alan:
Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!

Jake:
Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?

Alan:
Sure, why not.

Jake:
OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.

Charlie:
That's a "rabbi", Jake.

Jake:
Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.

Charlie:
Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.

Charlie:
[Who is trying to convince Alan to go on a double date with him even though he is sick] Please, please go with me. Look, she's great, her name is Dezeray.

Alan:
I don't care what her name is!

Charlie:
What do you mean? That's like desire but with yay in it!

Alan:
How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?

Charlie:
I don't know. I gave him a fifty.

Alan:
That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!

Charlie:
If you say so. I was never good at math.

Alan:
Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.

Charlie:
What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.

[at the supermarket]

Charlie:
I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.

Alan:
You can't quit poverty, Charlie.

Charlie:
I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.

Alan:
Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.

Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]:
Yabba-dabba-doo.

Alan:
Hey Charlie, what's miscellaneous cash expenses?

Charlie:
You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies.

Alan:
It's $40,000!

Charlie:
Gambling losses, etcetera, etcetera

Berta:
[Because Charlie is facing money problems] Don't worry Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week.

Charlie:
Thank you Berta.

Berta:
I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.

[Alan and Charlie find Frankie beating up her psychiatrist's car with a baseball bat]

Charlie:
You got a nice swing.

Frankie:
Thanks!

Charlie:
Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.

Frankie:
You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]

Charlie:
Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!

Frankie [to Alan]:
Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect!

Alan:
I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.

Judith:
Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".

Alan:
Why do you assume it's his stuff?

Judith:
What, is it yours?

Alan:
No, but it's not his either!

Charlie:
But it could be.

Alan:
Says who?

Charlie:
Says your ex-wife!

[Frankie and Alan kiss, and Alan starts crying]

Frankie:
What's the matter?

Alan:
I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

[Alan goes to bed with Charlie]

Charlie:
Alan?

Alan:
Yes?

Charlie:
It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

Joni:
Hi I'm Joni!

Jake:
Hey, [To Alan and Charlie] I'm gonna go play in my room.

Joni:
Can I come?

Jake:
Whatever. [The two of them go off]

Charlie:
If he can keep up the attitude for another 30 years he's gold.

Charlie:
Who gets him [Jake] in that [worst-case] scenario thing?

Alan:
Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.

Charlie:
Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?

Alan:
Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.

Charlie:
Yeah, but I'm your brother!

Alan:
Charlie, it's--

Charlie:
And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!

Alan:
Coventry, Rhode Island.

Charlie:
Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?

Alan:
I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?

Alan:
Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

Charlie:
Pull.

Charlie:
[Filling out Jake's hospital form] Last name: Harper. First Name: Jake...ob?

Jake:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Jacob. Middle name...

Jake:
Don't you know?

Charlie:
Of course I know. I wanna see if you know,you hit your head dude.

Jake:
David.

Charlie:
I knew that. Jacob David, wow, they really went old testament on you didn't they. Allergies?

Jake:
What? I dunno.

Charlie:
Do you eat something that makes you sick?

Jake:
I ate a worm once.

Charlie:
No allergies. Have you ever had the following? Measles?

Jake:
I dunno.

Charlie:
Mumps?

Jake:
I dunno.

Charlie:
Chicken pox?

Jake:
Is that the one with the spots?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Jake:
I dunno.

Charlie:
Family History? Well your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.

Charlie:
If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years, and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!

Charlie:
Look.

Alan:
Who's this?

Charlie:
This is Jill.

Alan:
Oh, the-the woman who dumped you?

Charlie:
Get over that. Nobody dumped me.

Alan:
All right, I'm sorry. Wha- why are we looking at Jill?

Charlie:
Just look at it!

Alan:
All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Charlie:
Welcome to The Matrix.

Alan:
So-so-so-so Jill is-is-is-is--?

Charlie:
Yep.

Alan:
And-and-and-and you and-and Jill used to--?

Charlie:
(sighs) Every chance we got

Alan:
And-and-and mom is--?

Charlie:
At this very moment.

Alan:
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Berta:
Well I'd better be going. [Sees a jacket that was thrown on the floor] I'll pick that up on Monday.

Judith:
Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?

Evelyn:
Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.

Judith:
OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while you're having a good time with my sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]

Charlie:
Beg pardon?

Judith:
Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!

Charlie:
Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.

Judith:
Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.

Alan:
You looked at my wife's chest?

Charlie:
Hey, I'm a guy!

Evelyn:
Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.

Alan:
Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.

[Jake is upbeat after several days of being sullen]

Alan:
What happened to him?

Charlie:
If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.

Berta:
I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.

Alan:
What did you say?

Berta:
I said: "Drink this bottle of prune juice". You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.

Charlie:
Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.

Alan:
You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.

Charlie:
The one time you listen to me.

Alan:
Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.

Charlie:
I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!

Charlie:
Hey, that was quick.

Alan:
Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.

Charlie:
What happened?

Alan:
What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.

Jake:
Were you talking to Mom?

Alan:
Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.

Jake:
Yeah, she does the same thing to you.

Alan:
Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.

Charlie:
Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.

Alan:
I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.

Charlie:
Man, you are so whipped!

Alan:
I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.

Charlie:
Meow-fitchoo!

Alan:
I am not "meow-fitchooed".

Charlie:
You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".

Jake:
Are we getting a cat?

Jake:
My doctor has a cow puppet.

Evelyn:
Oh MD or Ph D.?

Jake:
C-O-W.

Alan:
[On Jake's therapy session] It's a small price to pay to avoid aggravating Judith.

Charlie:
The fact that your drawing breath aggravates Judith!

Kathleen:
You have a girlfriend yet?

Jake:
No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.

Linda:
So you're never gonna get married?

Jake:
No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.

Mandy:
Excuse me?

Jake:
I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.

Alan:
Your sexist, manipulative attitude toward women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group!

Charlie:
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?

Alan:
What difference does it make?

Charlie:
Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.

Alan:
Why don't you just get snipped?

Charlie:
You mean a vasectomy?

Alan:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!

Alan:
What's wrong with "snipped"?

Charlie:
It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.

Alan:
Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?

Charlie:
I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.

Charlie:
I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.

Rose:
You called?