A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Series 4

[Barman]

Laurie:
You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despise?

Fry:
Ooh, not since I was nine! Do you like it straight up?

Laurie:
What?

Fry:
[holding up his drink] Or with ice?

Laurie:
Ice.

Fry:
Right-ho. [adds ice] Cocktail onion?

Laurie:
No thanks.

Laurie:
She takes no interest in my friends, you know. She laughs at my…

Fry:
Peanuts?

Laurie:
Hobbies. She doesn't even value my...

Fry:
Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsit?

Laurie:
Career. You know, it's just so depressing. Alright, so other men have got larger...

Fry:
Plums?

Laurie:
Salaries. And better prospects. And other men can boast a healthier-looking...

Fry:
Stool?

Laurie:
[sitting on stool] Lifestyle.

Laurie:
Alright, so, so I haven't got loads of cash hanging around. You know, but why complain? Other people are worse off. I've got a job. I've got two sweet, rosy...

Fry:
Nibbles?

Laurie:
Children. She goes on and on about my appearance. I mean, it's not as if she's an oil painting, you know. I mean, frankly she's...

Fry:
[points] Plain and prawn-flavoured.

Laurie:
She's not as young as she used to be herself

Laurie:
I don't know why I bother with women. I'd be better off being a...

Fry:
Fruit?

Laurie:
Monk, or a hermit, or something. At least if I was a…

Fry:
Fag?

Laurie:
At least if I was a monk, you know, I wouldn't have to put up with women. You know, women going on and on, who can talk the hind leg off a...

Fry:
Camel?

Laurie:
Donkey. Trouble is, I couldn't live without women. You know, in a monastery the best you can hope for is a bit of...

Fry:
Chocolate HobNob?

Laurie:
Peace and spirituality. Let's face it; we haven't slept together for years. You know, the best I can hope for is a bit of...

Fry:
Savoury finger?

Laurie:
A bit of a cuddle at Christmas. And, naturally, she won't let me give her so much as a…

Fry:
[points offstage] Good juicy tongue in the back passage.

Laurie:
Just a peck on the cheek.

Laurie:
The trouble with that woman is that she's just a…

Fry:
Rather disgusting-looking tart that should've been disposed of ages ago?

Laurie:
I tell you what it is: she's a complainer, that's what she is.

[Grand Prix]

Fry:
Michael, you must be very thrilled with that result. Take us through the race.

Laurie:
Yes, well, I was, uh... not very happy with the car. We had a lot of problems, and uh.. the car was not so good, I think.

Fry:
Yes, but- but you won. It was a great result for you, you must be very happy.

Laurie:
Well, we had a lot of problems with the car, and I was... was not so happy, it was very hard.

Fry:
Yes, but you won...

Laurie:
I won, yes, but, there were many, many problems, and it was very hard, and difficult, and I was not happy at all with the car

Fry:
Yes, yes- *stammers* You did actually win, did I get that straight? You actually won the race?

Laurie:
Well, a lot of problems, yes, and it was very hard-

Fry:
Yeh, well, leaving aside, for the moment, how hard it was, are you happy... to have won... the race.

Laurie:
Well, it was very difficult-

Fry:
Yes, well, it really was difficult. Presumably, that's why you get paid half a million pounds per race, and get as much sex as you can eat. I just need to know if this makes you happy, having won the race. Delighted, enchanté, over the frigging moon!

Laurie:
Well, we had a lot of problems-

Fry:
ARE YOU HAPPY?!

Laurie:
It was very difficult-

Fry:
ARE YOU HAPPY?!

Laurie:
Many prob-

Fry:
AREYOUHAPPY?!

Laurie tries to speak again

Fry:
ARE. YOU. ARSEING WELL. HAPPY. YOU DISMAL, MOANING, FRENCH TWAT!

Laurie stares at Fry

Fry:
You do a job... that half of mankind would KILL to be able to do, and you can have sex... with the other half, as often as you like. I just need to know if this makes you HAPPY!

Laurie:
...We had a lot of problems-

Fry punches Laurie