Sea Patrol, Season Four (2010)

Mike:
How’d you go at the hospital?

Swain:
Ah, the CT scan came back clear. Looks like it’s just a few bruised ribs.

Mike:
You know what that means.

Kate:
My own personal masseuse. You offering?

Mike:
Light duties.

RO:
I ran that check that you requested on the MV Trader Star, the vessel you just boarded.

Mike:
Not now RO.

RO:
I really think you should look at the piece of paper I just handed you, Sir.

Kate:
How many times can you turn down promotion without it reflecting poorly on you?

Mike:
You’d have me off this boat, would you X?

Kate:
Well, shore posting does have its advantages.

[Mike just grins.]

Charge:
Ah, salmon vol a vaunts, number five on my list of all time favourite horses doovers.

RO:
Fascinating. What’s your number one?

Charge:
Pig in a blanket.

Bird:
X, I know all about the ‘no snogging your shipmates’ rule, but there is no rule that says you can’t check them out.

Kate:
No, no, there is no law against that.

RO:
Does anybody... oh, sorry. Can anyone tell me where the gents is?

Swain:
Bathroom.

Charge:
How many of those have you had?

RO:
Two? Three? I just, um... they’re very nice.

Swain:
Ah, no, mate, I haven’t spotted the head yet. Might want to try downstairs, though.

RO:
Thank you.

Swain:
Ah, Robert?

RO:
Mmm?

Swain:
Stay away from golf buggies.

Charge:
And the transsexuals.

[A scene later, he gets attacked and shoved down a flight of stairs.]

Maxine:
You can’t sit in a CO’s chair forever.

Mike:
I wasn’t thinking forever, just the next year or three.

Bird:
I flop.

[RO laughs.]

2 Dads:
You mean you fold.

RO:
 :[To Bomber.] I just spat on you!

Bird:
Whatever, I don’t get this game.

Bomber:
 :[To RO.] That’s disgusting!

2 Dads:
What would you prefer to play, Bird? Go Fish?

Bird:
Hey, don’t knock it, I’m actually pretty good at that one.

Mike:
Well, I guess we’ll see each other once you’ve nabbed those poachers.

Kate:
Yes, we will.

[2 Dads is showing a croc egg to Bird.]

RO:
He wants you to cook it.

2 Dads:
Don’t listen to him, he’s inhumane.

Maxine:
What do you make of all this, Mike?

Mike:
I tend to agree. It doesn’t sound like my crew. The Hammersley crew.

Maxine:
Is that separation anxiety speaking?

Mike:
Maybe just a bit.

Kate:
It’s good to see you.

Mike:
We still on for tonight?

Kate:
Tonight? Absolutely.

Kate:
2 Dads, I can’t think of anyone on the ship dumber than you are, but clearly there is someone.

Dutchy:
So, who do you think he’s protecting?

Bomber:
He fancies Bird. Was it you?

Bird:
No.

Charge:
No, Bird was cleaning ovens all night, Bomber.

Bomber:
Not all night, Charge.

Swain:
Bomb, she didn’t leave the ship.

Dutchy:
Where were you, Bomber?

Bomber:
Wasn’t me.

Charge:
Course it wasn’t.

Swain:
Oh, come on, she wasn’t even there. [Bomber turns to look at him.] Were you?

Bomber:
Oh, what? So I’m invisible now? Get out of my galley.

[Kate answers the door.]

Mike:
I thought we had a date.

Kate:
I thought we cancelled.

Mike:
I’d just like to know why you walked away from me today.

Kate:
Because you’ve turned.

Mike:
And what’s that supposed to mean?

Kate:
Well, you’re clearly one of the bureaucrats now.

Mike:
I'm just doing my job, I have responsibilities that come with this new position. Like it or not.

Kate:
And that includes not supporting your former crew, does it?

Mike:
I have to be impartial, it’s not personal.

Kate:
Oh, that is crap. You know, you hide behind this veneer of command. I look at you with your straight back and square shoulders and it is your armour, and you won’t let anyone in, because you’re afraid. You’re an emotional coward, Mike Flynn.

[Mike chuckles unbelievingly.]

Kate:
And I have put up with it for three years now, and sometimes I think you actually enjoy tormenting me.

Mike:
Oh, come on, Kate. That’s unfair. You know the regulations.

Kate:
Yeah, the regulations, they don’t apply anymore, do they? You can’t hide behind them anymore.

[Mike kisses her. She kisses back. The scene morphs to a montage of them, Mike carries Kate to her bedroom, they fall onto her bed, kissing passionately.]

Swain:
Well, six hours left, 2Dads. Time to spill your guts.

Bomber:
Come on, 2Dads, tell us.

Bird:
At least tell Bomber it wasn’t me.

Dutchy:
Listen everyone, I think the right thing to do is whoever did it to fess up themselves.

Charge:
That’s right.

[Silence.]

RO:
Oh, that went well.

RO:
Hey Bomber. Bird tell you the news about Two Dads?

Bomber:
Bird seems to know everything that’s going on on this boat.

RO:
Yeah, she’s pretty popular with the crew. [Pause.] Do I detect a note of jealously there?

Bomber:
Yeah, there’s a whole symphony going on.

RO:
Come on, Bomber, don’t compare yourself with Bird. I mean, she’s a sweet young thing, but... well, you’re... you’re a woman. You’re a very attractive woman. You’re beautiful so... you’re our chefo as well so we couldn’t exist without you.

Bomber:
Thanks, RO. [She kisses him on the cheek.]

[Mike arrives on the Hammersley.]

Kate:
Now, there are rumours going around about Coburn. Do you know what’s going on?

Mike:
The rumours are true. He’s been relieved of his command. [He falls silent.]

Kate:
You okay?

Mike:
You’re getting a new CO.

Kate:
Oh, do you know who?

[Mike nods. Kate stares at him.]

Kate:
Ugh. [Walks away.]

Mike:
It’s only for a few weeks until they get a permanent replacement. [Stares at Kate’s retreating back, before following after her.]

Dutchy:
Sir with your permission, can I include 2Dads in this party? I am getting the impression that he is the type to keep under my wing.

Mike:
You're a brave man.

2 Dads:
Is it okay to be walking around near this stuff?

Dutchy:
You were at the briefings, mate.

2 Dads:
[Pause.] So is it okay to be walking around near this stuff?

Kate:
So how long is this going on for? You getting posted back onto Hammersley, that wasn’t supposed to happen.

Mike:
That’s the navy for you. I’m trying to make this a short posting. I don’t know how long I can stand this... professional relationship stuff.

Kate:
Yeah, well, my deadline has already passed.

RO:
[Scoffs.] Children.

Bird:
Robert, this is a family resort.

RO:
Yeah, well, I was never allowed to behave like that when I was a child.

Dutchy:
That explains a lot.

RO:
You should have pointed your feet at his head.

Mike:
Sorry, RO?

RO:
Well, Thai’s believe that the head is holy, the feet unholy, the worst thing you can do is point your feet at their head.

Mike:
[Exasperated.] Thanks for that, RO.

RO:
[Sincerely.] You’re welcome, sir.

Charge:
Feet?

RO:
Yeah.

Kate:
When they see that it’s not Wantha, chances are they are gonna freak.

Mike:
Well, hopefully they’ll be more interested in the jewels...

Kate:
But what if they’re not? What if they start shooting?

Mike:
Exactly. This is a dangerous operation, that’s why Dutchy...

Kate:
No, a woman is less likely to cause them any harm.

Mike:
No.

Kate:
No? You really don’t think so?

Mike:
Alright, maybe. But there’s no guarantee of that. We don’t know what we’re dealing with.

Kate:
They safety of Mia Douglas has to be our first priority here.

Mike:
What if something happens to you?

Kate:
Sir, as commanding officer...

Mike:
Kate!

Kate:
No, no! Don’t do this! You came back on the ship, it was your choice. Your choice to keep it professional. This can’t get personal between us now.

Mike:
I can’t just block out how I feel about you.

Kate:
I am the only logical choice for this mission, and you know that.

Mike:
Alright. Dutchy goes with you.

Kate:
No. He is too much of a cowboy.

Mike:
He’s the one man on this boat you want in a fire fight.

Kate:
No. No.

Mike:
He goes with you, or you don’t go at all.

Kidnapper:
It's not coming off. Maybe if I use turps!

RO:
Ah, Bomber, can I get some museli with some hot milk on the side please?

Bomber:
Yeah sure. In a glass?

RO:
In a glass would be fine. Could you make it really hot?

Bomber:
Really hot it is.

RO:
You're really hot.

Bomber:
Excuse me {Walks toward Dutchy and kisses him on the cheek.]

Dutchy:
Ah, what was that for?

Bomber:
2Dads told me that you found me and carried me all that way. Thanks.

Dutchy:
No, that wasn't me, that was RO. But thanks anyway.

[RO looks surprised, because he told 2Dads that Dutchy carried her, after RO actually did when she was unconscious in the swamp.]

[Bomber looks at RO, surprised.]

RO:
So.

Bomber:
Why?

RO:
You told me to stay away.

Bomber:
Well, thanks for ignoring that.

[She walks away with a smile, while Ro thinks to himself.]

[2Dads ,Bomber, Swain, Dutchy and Bird are fishing on the boat deck.]

2Dads:
Oh yeah, here we go!

Dutchy:
You alright?

2Dads:
Yaahaa!

Bird:
Yuck.

Dutchy:
Relax, it's just a little bit of squid. [Helps Bird with her fishing rod.]

Bird:
Yeah, but they're so slimy!

Bomber:
Hey! I thought the rule was to bait your own hook.

Bird:
I don't do slimy!

Bomber:
Guess that kills 2Dads' chances!

2Dads:
Oh, it's a monster! Get the net!

Swain:
Come on mate! Get the camera, Bomb!

[Swain laughs as 2Dads reels in a small fish.]

Bomber:
That's your monster?

[Swain is still laughing.]

Dutchy:
It's huge!

Bomber:
Mate, this thing hasn't got a micro setting!

2Dads:
It's bigger than it looks.

Bomber:
Ah, bet you say that to all the girls.

RO:
They might think I've drowned.

Hannibal:
They might have a party!

Swain:
You all think you know CPR back to front.

Charge:
RPC!

Kate:
Swain is making 2Dads do CPR practice on Charge.

RO:
Aren't there hygiene issues with that?

2Dads:
Even human fat's worth big bucks in the cosmetics industry. You're a walking gold mine, Charge.

Charge:
Have you ever thought about selling your brain? It's not like it's being used.

Kate:
So, was it a rental?

Swain:
The girl?

Kate:
The car!

Swain:
Oh! On a bosun's salary? Probably.

Swain:
He, ma'am watch out - Cow...!

Kate:
oh... It's... wet. Fresh.

Bomber:
[To RO.] Just be yourself. Well... you know, a more people-friendly version of yourself.

Kate:
I know what I want. Do you know what you want?

Mike:
Yes... Coffee.

Bird:
I'm so sorry, X. I didn't mean to injure him. Honestly.

Kate:
Oh. So, you hit him with a torch.

Bird:
I didn't know that it was him.

Kate:
Okay, Bird. I'm curious who did you intend to beat senseless then?

Mike:
Brief me while I get dressed.

Bomber:
There’s nothing to worry about.

Bird:
There isn’t?

Bomber:
No. It’s a popular dive site. Coastwatch are on the case, we’re on our way, he’s wearing scuba gear.

Dutchy:
Bomber’s right. Bird. 2Dads will be fine. He’s got a BCD and an FSB.

Bird:
I know a BCD’s a buoyancy control device, what’s an FSB?

Dutchy:
Female, Swedish...

Bird:
Backpacker.

Dutchy:
Bingo. Ten bucks says Coastwatch will find him hitting on her, and he’ll blame us for cramping his style.

Bird:
Yeah, I hope so.

Dutchy:
Hey, I know so.

[Bomber and Charge in the bridge of the Rosyln Bay while the Hammersley is looking for 2Dads.]

Bomber:
Is there anything I could help with?

Charge:
Why did you volunteer for this detail?

Bomber:
I didn't want to be there when they called off the search. So, is there anything I could help?

Charge:
No, just stay on the shipping lane. A monkey can do this.

Bomber:
Remember when he brought that monkey onboard?

Charge:
Idiot!

Radio/Coast Watch:
This is the Coast Watch Announcement. Attention all shipping. The Sudbury Kay - a person's been spotted by Civilian Aircraft on the kay in need of assistance. There are no further details at this time, any vessel in the area, please respond. Over.

Charge:
Sudbury Kay!

Bomber:
Charge!! That's way south of the search area. It couldn't be him.

Charge:
Why not?

Bomber:
Well, not if he was diving up in Saxon Reef. It's against the wind direction, current - it's impossible.

Charge:
But what if he wasn't on Saxon Reef?

Bomber:
What?

Charge:
What if they were diving up in Palau Reef? What if Herry Edwards created a fake search area to the north, so he could find 2Dads by himself? That's why he didn't go back to port!

Bomber:
And what about that poor girl's leg?

Charge:
They planted it!

Bomber:
Why?

Charge:
I don't know why! I am going to take a look.

Bomber:
No Way!

Charge:
You steer the ship, I'll take care of the engines.

[Charge and 2Dads walking on the docks. Charge is apologising to 2Dads for walking out on him at the last minute in their scuba diving trip where 2Dads almost died.]

Charge:
If there is anything else I can do. If you ever wanna go on another dive trip, I will do it. I will make myself do it.

2Dads:
I don't think I'm gonna be doing that for a while. There is one thing I've always wanted to do.

Charge:
What is it?

2Dads:
Just haven't found anyone to do it with.

Charge:
Hey, I'm there. I'm your guy. Name it.

2Dads:
Skydiving.

[2Dads walk away. Speechless, Charge looks up as if already dreading should it happen.]

Dutchy:
If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck,its a duck.

Charge:
Or a goose...

Dutchy:
No, Geese honk!

Dutchy:
There’s no one below decks, X.

Charge:
You sure?

Dutchy:
Apart from Harold Holt and Osama bin Laden, yeah. I’m sure.

Mike:
RO, ETA to radio range?

RO:
Eh, possibly... an hour and a half?<

Mike:
Good.

RO:
Well, depends on their location. If they're in a valley it might be a bit... a bit longer, if they're up a hill, a bit... a bit shorter.

2Dads:
You mean we have to walk all the way?

Bomber" No, the monorail will be around in a minute to give us a lift.

[Bomber and Kate are in the galley, Bomber is mad at Kate. Bomber drops plate in front of Kate.]

Kate:
Is that attitude, Bomber?

Bomber:
No Ma'am, it's chicken.

Kate:
See me in the ship's office when you're done here.

Kate:
[Over radio.] Sir, we’re returning the illegal catch back to the sea now.

Mike:
Let’s hope a good number of the fish survive. Well done X.

Bird:
[To RO.] Why wouldn’t they all survive?

RO:
Stress.

Bird:
Stress?

RO:
Big killer in fish.

Bird:
Really?

RO:
[Nods.] Mmm. You think I’m making it up?

Bird:
I can never really tell if you’re joking or not.

RO:
No, I don’t... I don’t joke. I never joke.

Bird:
You never joke?

RO:
Joking’s not my thing.

Bird:
Okily dokily.

Charge:
Just one question, sir.

Mike:
Yes, Charge?

Charge:
With Bomber away, who’s gonna cook for us?

Mike:
Well, I’m sure we’ll manage. RO, you’ve had experience in the galley.

RO:
Uh, I think that we should probably go back and get her, sir.

Dutchy:
How hard can it be to burn a bit of scran?

RO:
Seriously, I think that we should go back and get her now.

Charge:
He may be right, sir. If you could remember back to last time. There was... problems.

Mike:
Bird, can you cook?

Bird:
Uh, a bit, sir.

Mike:
You can give RO a hand in the galley.

Bird:
Great!

Mike:
There you go, RO. Enthusiastic helper. Just keep it simple.

RO:
We all die, it’s not my fault.

Charge:
We will die.

[Mike chuckles.)]

[RO returns to the bridge, Charge stops him.]

Charge:
How’s lunch?

RO:
Bird and I had a disagreement about condiments. She’s finishing it up.

Dutchy:
Oh, no.

Kate:
What?

Dutchy:
you've got that look on your face again. Last time you had that look, you got yourself into trouble.

Dutchy:
What’s going on? Are you gonna meet her? Do you want me to come?

Kate:
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you can come across, at times, as a little intimidating.

Dutchy:
Me?

Kate:
Mmm.

Dutchy:
Nah.

Kate:
No, I’d better go alone. [Goes to leave.] You stay.

Dutchy:
Woof.

Bomber:
[Opening the door.] Hi. Um, I was just about to get in the shower.

2Dads:
Don’t let me stop you.

[They kiss.]

Bomber:
[Pulling away.] I don’t even like you.

2Dads:
I hate you, too.

[They kiss again.]

Kate:
Hey, Dutchy. You go up first, just in case Albie makes a smart mouth comment. I might do something inappropriate.

Dutchy:
Yeah, right. And I’m gonna be Mr Squeaky Clean.

Dutchy:
2Dads? Come on, you need to step it up, mate. We gotta get these provisions off the dock ASAP.

2Dads:
Fair go, Dutchy, I reckon I got swine flu, mate.

Bomber:
Worm flu, more like it. I told you not to eat that worm in the bottom of the bottle.

Maxine:
If Mike Flynn thinks you’re CO material, who are you or I to doubt that?

RO:
Sir. It’s good to have you back.

Mike:
Good to be back, RO.

Charge:
Starting to look like your old self again, sir.

Mike:
I don’t know if I'll be winning any beauty pageants, Charge. Don’t know why I’d be entering any.

[Everyone chuckles.]

Mike:
But Bomber and Swain did a pretty good job of patching me up.

Bomber:
One of the more enjoyable jobs I’ve had to do as second medic. I’m gonna miss you guys.

Mike:
Not as much as we’ll miss you. [Turns to Bird.] What do you think, Bird? This Navy life. Is it all worth it?

Bird:
Yeah, I reckon it’s okay, sir.

Mike:
Great. [Walks over to Kate and Dutchy.] So, who has the ship?

Kate:
I do, sir.

Mike:
Very good. Take us home, X.