Absolutely Fabulous1992

[Edina has lost her speech which she has to present to the PR meeting]

Eddie:
Yeah I was gonna' make a- [taps microphone] Testing. Testing. -Yeah I was gonna' make a speech, but I just can't be bothered anymore. I mean, this used to be like fun you know; yeah it used to be fun, but I'm getting bored of all the 'fun' bits now. You know, your endless bloody lunches and launches, you know, no-career celebrities and party desperates. And what for, huh? Some colony of crap tags and mags! Well I'm sorry there has to be a little more than that doesn't there? [slams her handbag down] Hmmm? You know I had a speech, you know, my... my integrated-projected-global-tele-network system bloody system-system. But you know, if that's what the worlds coming to I don't want to be in it. No I don't want that. I don't want to be in some sort of cyber-space-hypervirtual bloody reality. I don't want that- exchanging e-mails with some old age bloody hippies with more information at their fingertips than is safe to know about. I don't want that! What kind of reality is that, huh, you know, with a thirteen-amp plug on the end of it? Huh? Huh?... That can be un-plugged like that? Come-on I'm going. [She turns to leave, but... ] No I'm not going yet! No, you! [points to her competition, Claudia Bing] You, you, just sit there like your velcroed to some bloody add-man! You know those crap-head add-men over there, you know, those kings of bastardization that have just taken everything that was ever real and genuine and honest and original and attached it to a toilet cleaner! Whereas I, I... Like a bird on a wire... Like a drunk in a midnight choir... I have tried in my way to be free. [Then she sings] Like a bird, on a wire.

Patsy:
Go for it Eddy.

Eddie:
[singing]... Like a drunk in a midnight choir. I have tried in my way to be free. [Claudia Bing and her colleagues are laughing] Yeah you can laugh, but you know something- I don't want more choice I just want nicer things! And you, you can take that look off your face, sitting there with your... with your wheels and AIDS and starvation. You know, skimming a neat profit of the whole of human misery. Labeling us all with this- with this global guilt. Well it may not be all great and good but it ain't that bad, so cheer up world it may never bloody happen! [slams her bag down again] Come on I'm going. [Edina walks off making rude farting sounds at everyone in the room]

Eddie:
Oh, look at the time, sweetie. I should be in the office! Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie! Tell them, tell them the car hasn't arrived, there's traffic door-to-door, and I'm not well! I'm not well!

Saffie:
Hello? My mother's sitting here in her dressing gown, with her face...

Eddie:
[Edina starts screaming and snatches the phone from Saffy] Yes, it's me, darling. "Dressing gown", she knows nothing about fashion. Anyway, now listen, sweetie. I'm literally out the door when my bloody car turns up, alright? And I'm managing to keep a lid on things this end, alright? I know you can manage that end, Bubble darling, alright? I'm chanting as we speak, bye-bye, darling. [hangs up. Saffy is staring at her] You're not a Buddhist, darling. You wouldn't understand.

Saffie:
Mum, you did for a week, which admittedly for you is a record.

Eddie:
It's not a fad, darling. It's not like crystals. [Buddhist chanting] Omrankatingtingtong... Omrabremnimah...

Saffie:
Please, stop it!

Eddie:
Sweetie, you wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owe to my chanting, darling. A lot of things in this house, this HOUSE wouldn't be here, darling. I chanted for this gorgeous house! I chanted to be successful and believe in myself... [aside] Please, let me make some more money so I can buy Saffron some more books and a car... Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!... Please. [to Saffy] In Buddhist, obviously, darling, not in English, when I do it properly.

Saffie:
What is it? Some sort of a cosmic cash machine?

Eddie:
Oh, God! Could you try not to be so cynical today. You know, today I need just a little bit of bloody support.

Saffie:
Well, why is today such a panic, anyway? It's only a fashion show, and you've had six months to prepare it. I mean, why is everything always so hysterical? I mean, all you've got to do is play a bit of music, turn on the lights, get some people who've thrown up everything they've ever eaten and send them down a catwalk. Greater feasts have been achieved in less time and with less fuss.

Eddie:
Not quite with it, darling, are you?

[first lines]

Saffie:
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk!

Eddie:
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk! You're all tutty, darling! When Patsy comes in, I want you to treat her with a little bit of respect, alright?

Patsy:
[entering] Click, click, flash, flash. Click, flash, flash, flash, click, click, click. Flash, flash, flash. Guys, guys, just give me a break, darlings! Just give me a break. I have a life to lead! Click, click. "This way, Patsy!". Fellows, fellows, fellows. Sweetie's darlings, can you just leave me alone? Click, click, click, click. Flash, flash, flash, flash. Click, click, click. Patsy, Patsy!

Eddie:
You alright, darling? You're not letting this get to you, are you?

Patsy:
No, of course not.

Eddie:
A little bit of Bolly?

Patsy:
Yes, just a smidge. [looking at newspapers] Oh, are these todays?

Eddie:
Yes, sweetie.

Patsy:
Anything in them?

Eddie:
Not much, darling, no.

Saffie:
[reading from the paper] "M.P. in drug-crazed sex romp with shock with fash-mag slag".

Patsy:
Damn!

Eddie:
I know. Well, there is that, thank you very much, sweetie. Well, in fact you're front page on most of them, darling. But it has only been a day, you know.

Patsy:
I mean, who could still possibly be interested in reading all this?

Saffie:
His wife?

Patsy:
Listen, Saffy. I am the victim in this case. I mean, he's just using me for publicity. He's just riding on my back to get his pathetic little face in the papers.

Eddie:
Exactly, sweetie! Patsy's had the hassle and trauma. She's been forced to leave her flat, darling.

Saffie:
Forced? Even the cockroaches left that whole of their own accord.

Eddie:
They are trying to make out, darling, that Patsy is some kind of sex-crazed, morally corrupted, drunken, high-classed, prostitute, darling!

Saffie:
Pretty accurate, so far!

Saffron:
What are you smirking at? Do you think this is funny?

Edina:
Oh... Funny what, darling? Funny ha-ha-ha?

Saffron:
You might have rung and let me know what you were doing.

Edina:
I was too busy doing it, darling. What's the matter? Are you jealous?

Saffron:
No, worried.

Edina:
Oh, worried about me having some fun? Well, I was darling. Bloody great, bloody fun, alright?

Patsy:
Ask her who with?

Saffron:
Who with?

Edina:
Jean-Pierre.

Patsy:
That bastard! You didn't tell me he was around.

Edina:
Oh. I sort of ran into him by accident, darling. He's over here directing a new video for a hip-rave-rap... band, darling.

Patsy:
I thought we were going out. [about Saffron] Thanks to you, I had to spend the whole evening alone in this house with Helena Bonham Carter, here! I'm going back to bed. There's no point in me being up at this hour. [gets a bottle of scotch] Helps me to sleep.

Edina:
Yeah.

Saffron:
Back in your coffin.

Edina:
Darling! Patsy's an insomniac, sweetie.

Saffron:
More like the living dead.

Edina:
Oooh! Oooh!

Saffron:
[about Patsy] How long is she here for?

Edina:
I don't know. How long are you here for?

Saffron:
How long?

Edina:
Well, until her flat has been fumigated, darling. She can't live in it breathing fumes all day, can she?

Saffron:
Why not? I thought sniffing chemicals was what she did best. I'm surprised she's not up there already with a straw stuck up her nose. She should try it, you know. It might actually be the one substance that makes her socially acceptable.

Edina:
Darling, it would kill her!

Saffron:
Exactly!

Edina:
A few hormones, talking there, haven't we, sweetie? Huh?

[Edina is sitting in court next to her lawyer, with Patsy, Saffron and Gran behind. They are looking up at the magistrate, who is reading out the list of charges against Edina]

Judge:
...driving without a license, driving without insurance, not wearing a seatbelt, having no tax disc displayed, driving over the legal speed limit, driving under the influence of alcohol, allowing another person to drive your vehicle under the influence of alcohol. In the region of ?5,000 of parking fees owing, ?6,000 of damage to property. Charges of assault and abuse - the charges of attempted murder and robbery have been dropped. Shoplifting...

Patsy:
[to judge] My name is Patsy Stone. I'm an alcoholic, and what she did was an act of humanitarian mercy.

Judge:
That is hardly a reason to steal a crate of champagne.

Eddie:
Have you any idea how much champagne costs these days? I was forced to steal it. My daughter wouldn't have allowed me to buy it.

Judge:
I must ask you to sit down as stop wasting the court's time. The sum of ?50,000 is to be paid by you in damages, and a further fine of ?2,000. You will also be liable for all cost incurred.

Eddie:
[to Saffron] Well, getting rid of my chauffeur was a little bit of a falso economy, wasn't it sweetie?

Judge:
...and a lifetime ban on driving. And, finally, Mrs. Monsoon...

Eddie:
Can I just say one word in my defense, um?

Saffie:
I don't think that's a very good idea, Mum. Your mouth is working for the prosecution.

Eddie:
Oh, darling, this is what I do well, sweetie. You might pick up a few tips for the Debating Society, you never know. Without notes, Saff.

[Gran claps]

Eddie:
Thank you, thank you.

[to judge]

Eddie:
Right - I, the proposed accused, think that, well, I mean, you know, well the day in question was not a good day for me, all right? But I put it to you that I don't see how any day could have been good the way this bloody country's run. Well, you know, I was just trying to do my best, trying to get from A to B, do a little shopping. I was trying to take control of my life, you know, only to find that it's actually controlled for me by petty bureaucracy and bits of bloody paper - ignorant bloody petty rules and laws that just obstruct every tiny little action until you've committed a crime without even knowing it! I mean, you know, why can't life just be made a little easier for everybody, eh? Why can't it be more like the Continent, and then run down the street in front of charging bulls whilst letting fireworks off out of his bloody nostrils without anyone blinking an eye? Uh? Because it's probably a local holiday and nobody's at work because they all want to have just a little bit of fun and they're not intimidated by some outdated work ethic. I mean, there has to be more to life than just being safe...

Judge:
Is there a point to all of this?

Eddie:
[explaining to the judge her problems with the law] Yes, Yes!... Why, oh why, do we pay taxes, hmmm? I mean, just to have bloody parking restrictions- and BUGGERY-UGLY traffic wardens, and BOLLOCKY-pedestrian-BLOODY-crossings?... and those BASTARD railings outside shops windows, making it so difficult, so you can't even get in them! I mean, I know they're there to stop stupid people running into the street and killing themselves! But we're not all stupid! We don't all need nurse-maiding. I mean, why not just have a Stupidity Tax? Just tax the stupid people!

Patsy:
[stands up] And let them DIE!

Eddie:
Yes!

Judge:
Anymore of this ridiculous rant, and I'll put you both away!

Gran:
Hear, hear!

Judge:
Edina Margaret Rose Monsoon, I hereby sentence you to...

[Credits roll]

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