A Million Ways to Die in the West

[from trailer]

Edward:
This is my first vagina.

Ruth:
You've never seen one!

Edward:
No I feel like I should have a piece of cake or something.

[pause while character lifts up skirt]

Edward:
it's uhh it's it's that, right?

Ruth:
Oh yeah, it's this, its like from here to here.

Edward:
Oh.

Ruth:
But this is just the outside, there's these folds.

Edward:
Okay, i'm gonna close the bible now.

Edward:
Hey, dude, you really shouldn't drink and horse.

Albert:
I'm not the hero. I'm the guy in the crowd making fun of the hero's shirt; that's who I am.

Albert:
My worst fear is to OD on a recreational drug.

Clinch:
Where did you learn to shoot?

Albert:
Your wife.

Edward:
Oh, snap!

George Stark:
You're late!

Albert:
For what?

George Stark:
Fair enough.

Gunman at Fair in Final Scene:
[after shooting someone] people die at the fair.

[last lines]

Gunman at Fair in Final Scene:
Somebody bring me one of them white women.

Albert:
You know what else can kill you? Doctors!

Albert:
...and all I had to do was distract you while the poison entered your bloodstream.

Edward:
Albert, he's dead. He's been dead for a few minutes.

Albert:
Oh. Well, did he at least hear all the smart things I said?

Louise:
You're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert. Your sheep are everywhere. The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all of the sheep in one place, all right? I went to your farm the other day, and I saw one in the back yard, three way up on the ridge, two in the pond and one on the roof.

Albert:
Okay, that's Bridget, all right? She has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love.

Millie:
You're okay with your girlfriend screwing, like, 15 different guys every day and getting paid to do it?

Edward:
Oh, my job sucks too.

Anna:
So how did you guys meet?

Albert:
She moved to town a couple of years ago to take over the schoolmarm job. Our old schoolmarm got her throat slit by a fast moving tumbleweed.

Anna:
You're a good sheep farmer!

Albert:
Oh my god, please! I suck at sheep. Louise was right, I can't keep track of them. There was a sheep in the whorehouse the last week.

Anna:
Really?

Albert:
Yeah. Wandered in there, and then when I went to pick it up, somehow it had made 20 dollars.

Foy:
Challenge accepted!

Albert:
[Being offered a pot cookie by Anna] The last time somebody gave me one of these, I became convinced that prairie dogs could read my mind.

Prairie Dog:
Squeak!

Albert:
[Cowering] It knows!

Albert:
[Before drinking from the bowl with the indian tribe] "Mila Kunis" - subtitled as "Fine"

Anna:
There is something about connecting over mutual hatred that is just so much deeper than mutual love.

Chinese Date:
My father is a railroad worker, like every other Chinaman.

Albert:
Oh... does he like his job?

Chinese Date:
How should I know? I never see him. Do you know what kind of hours he has to work?

Albert:
...All the live long day?

Albert:
[At target practice] I fired a gun at the shooting gallery.

Anna:
Yeah, but those are quarter loads. These are full loads.

Albert:
Okay, all right, get ready. I'm about to shoot a full load at your cans.

Anna:
I don't think you should leave tomorrow. At least stay through the weekend. Isn't the fair on Saturday?

Albert:
Oh, f*** that. I'm not going to the stupid fair. Louise is gonna be there, and she's gonna be with Foy. I don't wanna put myself through that kind of f***ing aggravation.

Anna:
Yeah, well, I'll go with you. No better way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back more than to let her see you with another girl.

Albert:
I don't know...

Anna:
Especially a smoking hot girl. When she sees me, she'll be intimidated as f***.

Albert:
Oh, you're very modest, I see.

Anna:
I'm a little cocky. But I got great tits.

Albert:
You know, there are a million ways to die in the west, Clinch. There's, uh, famine, disease, gunfights... And, uh, wild animals. You know, like snakes. And, you know, the funny thing is, you don't even have to get bitten. All you need is a little bit of the venom introduced into your bloodstream and you're pretty much screwed. For example, if you drain a certain amount of venom from the fangs of a diamondback rattler into a hollow-tip bullet, you really only need one shot. Now, I knew my aim wasn't good enough to hit you anywhere important. But if I caught you by surprise... Well, Anna taught me just enough to get me in the ballpark. And just a small amount of venom in an open wound is enough to kill a man if he's...

Ruth:
Albert! He's dead. You did it.

Albert:
Oh.

Ruth:
Yeah.

Albert:
Did he hear all that smart stuff I did?

Edward:
Uh... No. No, I don't think so.

Albert:
Oh. Well, it was still good though.

Edward:
Yeah, it was great!

Ruth:
I thought it was really good.

[first lines]

Narrator:
Some people are born into the wrong time and place. This was the American frontier in 1882, a hard land for hard folk. Food was scarce, disease was rampant, and life was a daily struggle for survival. Hell, this was Miss America in 1880 [picture of a leathery middle-aged woman] . Holy sh*t. To build a home and a life in this harsh, unforgiving country required that a man be bold, fearless, and tough as iron. The men who were courageous and resilient were the men who prospered. But some men were just big giant pussies. [Stark comes running around the corner and falls and his face]

Anna:
God, why are the Indians always so mad?

Albert:
I don't know.

Anna:
I mean we're basically splitting this country 50/50 with them.

Albert:
They're just selfish.

Anna:
Come on, let's go.

Albert:
No, no, no, no! I suck at dancing.

Anna:
No one will notice.

Albert:
How will they not notice?

Anna:
'Cause you suck at everything.

Edward:
Please don't shoot us on sex night.

Cochise:
There is an ancient proverb among my people: Sometimes the only way for a man to find true happiness is to take drugs in a group.

Albert:
Hey, sorry I killed your husband.

Anna:
Oh God, that was never gonna work out anyway. He was Methodist, I'm half Jewish.

Albert:
Yeah... Are you? You are?

Anna:
No.

Albert:
Oh, thank God.

Anna:
You're not really Arabic, are you?

Albert:
No, no, no, no.

Anna:
Oh, thank God, 'cause I was like ah [mimics gun to her head] , kill me.

Albert:
I know, right?

Albert:
The guy is one of the best shots around. I look like I have Parkinson's next to him.

Louise:
What is that?

Albert:
It's just another way God mysteriously shows that He loves us.

George Stark:
[Farts] That came out of my penis!

[Albert notices a glow from inside a building and peeks inside]

Albert:
Hello?

[It is Doc Brown from "Back to the Future" working on the DeLorean, which is under a tarp; Doc notices Albert and covers up the car]

Albert:
What, uh... what's that?

Doc Brown:
Nothing. [stammers] It's a weather experiment.

Albert:
Oh. [closes the door]

Doc Brown:
Great Scott!

Anna:
Your Dick is out!

Edward:
Man, I see kids everywhere with those stock hoops lately.

Albert:
I know. Me too. It's got to be bad for their brains, right?

Edward:
Yeah. It stunts their attention span. I read an article in the paper.

Albert:
Yeah, I saw that. It's like they lose the power to innovate because they're staring at the stick hoop all day.

Edward:
Yep.

Barn Dance Comedian:
I tell you, folks, this telegraph machine, that thing is nuts. I mean, sure it's faster than the Pony Express, but what good is it if you can't send a picture of your dick?

When in doubt, go to Stout.

Anna:
[to Louise] How can you be so blind with eyes that big?! [leaves]

Louise:
[flustered] They're not... that big.

Foy:
My dear, they're practically Chinese!

Louise:
[kissing him] God, I love you!

Indian Chief:
(after Albert's drug trip hallucination; in Athabaskan) Did you shoot the black condor and then kicked it in the balls?

Albert:
(in Athabaskan) ...Yes.