Beer League

Dirt:
Hey! I don't wanna see any a you Italians drinking from my water bottle! Damned wops!

Linda Salvo:
I'm so embarrassed right now.

Artie DeVanzo:
You're embarrassed? I just got cock-blocked by my mom!

Dirt:
You look like a bunch of Monkeys trying f*** a football!

Artie DeVanzo:
[imitating Yankees PA Announcer Bob Sheppard] Your attention please, now pitching for Mangenelli: Number 1, Needle Dick, [Artie's team laughs] Number 1

Dennis Mangenelli:
Yeah, all right!

Artie DeVanzo:
Needle Dick.

Artie DeVanzo:
You know, Dave, you might be a lefty.

Artie DeVanzo:
Hey, are we done here? 'Cause I'm losing my buzz.

Johnny Trinno:
It's unfair, it's like pitching to a healthy Lou Gehrig.

Gina:
Okay, you know what? I'm not being a bitch here. You're missing Marie's recital tonight, and I said we could wait 'til after the softball season to go on our honeymoon. I even let you pick your scumbag friend Artie as best man!

Maz:
Sweetheart, listen, huh? It's the first game of the season. I just don't wanna be late, alright? I'm with you on the cakes, I'll look at 'em later.

Gina:
You know, I was gonna surprise you by making your little plastic man on the cake a Derek Jeter action figure. But now? No. I'm making you one of those Puerto Ricans from the f***ing Mets!

Maz:
Don't even joke like that, Gina!

Maz:
I'll have an egg-white omelet made with very little oil, dry wheat toast, and grapefruit juice.

Johnny Trinno:
Oh my god, that's the gayest order I've ever heard.

Artie DeVanzo:
You know, in Massachusetts, that order could legally marry a dude.

Maz:
Alright, here it comes.

Johnny Trinno:
You know, just placing an order like that would get you kicked out of the army.

Artie DeVanzo:
You know, if you put a construction helmet on that order, it could join the Village People.

Rhonda:
Would you guys knock it off so I can do my job?

Maz:
Thank you.

Rhonda:
Alright, Maz, that's an egg-white omelet, dry wheat toast, grapefruit juice.

Maz:
That's right.

Rhonda:
Do you want a side order of cock with that?

Dirt:
You're a fat f***ing disgrace!

Johnny Trinno:
[giving the toast at Maz's wedding] So to recap, throughout it all, there's been a lot of laughter, and a few tears. But in the end the clouds parted, and the good Lord himself decided it was meant to be. And that's how I finished the regular season batting .706.

Maz:
[responding to Artie about un-inviting Mangenelli to the wedding] He's Gina's cousin, he's going to be there, and don't start any trouble.

Artie DeVanzo:
Hey, I'm not one to start trouble.

Johnny Trinno:
Oh my God you fat f***in' liar.

Maz:
Alright, Dirt. Just throw it in there, baby. Come on!

Artie DeVanzo:
[punches glove] Whatta you say now Dirt, you character.

Artie DeVanzo:
If you put a construction hat on that order, it could be one of the village people.

Alfonse:
Check it out, my new italiano mit.

Maz:
That's cool, Alfonse.

Johnny Trinno:
How much of a guido could you possibly be?

Artie DeVanzo:
Ohh! Alright, listen up. Anybody that doesn't do a pregame shot with me is a f***in' pussy.

Dennis Mangenelli:
Jerk off!

Artie DeVanzo:
Hey, did this jerk off just call me a jerk off?

Johnny Trinno:
[speaking in an announcer-type voice] Now coming to bat is Artie DeVanzo. Last season was a fine one for DeVanzo, we all know that. He batted 420 with 45 RBIs. He enters today's game with a Blood Alcohol Content of .16. If you kids scoring at home, that is an impressive *twice* the legal limit.

Artie DeVanzo:
Come on let's get this guy! Let's get this punk! He's nothin'! He's a loser! He's an asshole! A cock sucker! He's a total piece a shit!

Dennis Mangenelli:
You shut up fatso!

Artie DeVanzo:
Hey, watch the name-calling!

Dennis Mangenelli:
Hey, DaVanzo

Artie DeVanzo:
If you're gonna ask if you can suck my left nut, the answer's maybe.

Dirt:
Don't eyeball me tough guy! When I was in the joint, I f***ed guys bigger than you!

Artie DeVanzo:
What the hell are we waiting for-hey did Dirt just say he use to f*** guys?

Linda Salvo:
Be honest with me, Artie. The only reason you like me is because I f*** you.

Artie DeVanzo:
Not at all... I mean it's awesome.

Johnny Trinno:
Let me get a bacon egg and cheese on a hard roll with a side order of fries, cheese, and gravy and a bowl of gravy on the side.

Artie DeVanzo:
I'll have the same thing, plus pancakes.

Rhonda:
Chocolate milk?

Artie DeVanzo:
You know it honey.

Linda Salvo:
[as Artie and Linda sit in the car after their date] Alright listen, if you're really quick I'll give you a blowjob, but you gotta be quick!

Artie DeVanzo:
Kidding me? I hear ya. When blowjobs go on too long it's like you chicks forget guys' dicks get tired.

Linda Salvo:
Stop with the jokes, I gotta be up for work early tomorrow so concentrate, okay?

Artie DeVanzo:
I'll be Hugh f***ing Downs.

Linda Salvo:
Who the f*** is that?

Artie DeVanzo:
He was the host of Concentration just blow me.

Artie's Mom:
[interrupting them, unexpectedly] I made tiramisu, you kids wants some?

Artie DeVanzo:
No mom, go back inside!

Artie's Mom:
It's in the fridge, you change your mind.

Artie DeVanzo:
*Back inside*!

Linda Salvo:
I'm so embarrassed right now.

Artie DeVanzo:
You're embarrassed I just got cock blocked by my mom!