M.K. 22

The Ramatcal:
I am the Ramatcal of the state of Israel.

Adiso:
Hello, sir.

The Ramatcal:
I came to strengthen and came out strengthened.

Adiso:
What?

Gili Laha Nachmani:
Michal, can I call you "Michali"?

Michal Levinstein:
Yes.

Gili Laha Nachmani:
And "Michali the cripple"?

The Ramatcal:
[parodying Memento] Mom, makes great cuscus. Don't believe her lies.

Yair Lapid:
You live in Cuba now?

Sherry Arisson:
The dictator is a very nice man.

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
Now listen up. Tomorrow we've got a surprise inspection by the Head of Logistics, and we're missing a LOT of stuff in the warehouse!

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
What? What's missing?

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
Let's see... Three crates of staples, five crates of separators, one nuclear missile, and four crates of marker pens.

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
Where are we supposed to find marker pens?

Soldier:
[Phone rings at the Tanjakistani Army Headquarters] Hello, Armenian National, errr, Tanjakistan Army... How can I help you?

Corp. Itay Shulman:
Ah, err, yes, yes... I would like a nuclear missile, please.

Soldier:
No problem sir, it is twenty five millioon doollar!

Corp. Itay Shulman:
Twenty-five million doollar? It's a lot of money!

Soldier:
Ok! I give you for... err... Twenty millioon doollar!

Corp. Itay Shulman:
Uhhh... wait a minute...

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
Hallo?

Soldier:
Hallo?

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
How much you want?

Soldier:
Twenty Millioona!

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
I give you five.

Soldier:
[laughing] Hahaha, five millioon? [laughing some more]... I don't think so! Maybe fifteen?

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
No no no no no... I give you five dollars.

Soldier:
What? Are you crazy? Five doollar for a nuclear missile?

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
Come on. I know you need the money. I know you have nothing to eat.

Soldier:
Yes. It is true.

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
Five dollars.

Soldier:
TEN!

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
No.

Soldier:
Ok, ok, ok! I give you for five doollar.

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
Send it to Mem-Kuf 22 in Israel.

Soldier:
Ok. It will arrive in about ten minutes.

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
Five!

Soldier:
Ok, Ok! Five! [hangs up]

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
[in fake Russian] Activate missile controls!

Large sign on the road to Jerusalem:
Welcome to Jerusalem! Now four days without suicide bombings!

Shin-Bet officer:
[Upon finding the huge Menora Statue, stolen from Jerusalem, on the lawn in M.K. 22] Shukrun, you do realize that we will have to launch a Military Police Investigation into this?

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
Investigation? What for? Let's just punish everybody!

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
[TV Interview about the Supreme Court's decision to allow the handicapped to join Air Force Combat Pilot Training]... I'm here with Yoav Reim, who was afflicted with brain paralysis and therefore joined the Meretz party. Yoav, were you happy with the court's ruling?

Crippled Man:
[In a wheelchair, drooling and speaking somewhat slurred] Of course, I was very excited.

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
But you didn't fall out of your seat.

Crippled Man:
No, I'm strapped to it. I think the courts have finally achieved justice. From now on, not only the best will be pilots, but everybody.

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
Yoav, you know you have a speech disorder, so if you can please use shorter sentences, because we haven't got all day.

Crippled Man:
Sorry.

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
It's ok. Also here is "Ayin", an Israeli Airforce pilot. Yoav, do you want to say anything to "Ayin"?

Crippled Man:
Yes. How do you know that crippled -

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
- Short sentences!

Crippled Man:
Yes yes, how do you know that crippled people can't be pilots?

IAF Pilot:
[chuckles and sighs] Yoav, Yoav, now how are they going to get on the plane, huh? We'd have to rig some sort of electric device to the roof to lift up the chair!

Crippled Man:
Yes, but "Ayin" -

IAF Pilot:
- It'll cost millions to upgrade all the aircraft!

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
But, don't they deserve a chance?

IAF Pilot:
No.

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
If you had a crippled child, would you speak differently?

IAF Pilot:
Of course.

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
Thank you.

Abbed Abu Jamal:
[Abbed and his sheep are sitting cuddled up around the campfire, telling them a fireside story]... Once upon a time, there were three brothers, who were wanted and hiding from the Shin-Bet. One was hiding in a straw hut, the second was hiding in a house of wood, and the third was hiding in a house of STONE. One day, the Shin-Bet came with a bulldozer, and destroyed the straw hut. They came to the wooden house, and destroyed it too. And then they came to the house made of concrete... and destroyed it as well! And all three brothers became MARTYRS! All's well that ends well.

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
[after the supreme court has declared that handicapped people may try out for Air Force Combat Pilot training]... Thousands of handicapped people have begun preparing for flight school try-outs. We have selected just one. Michal Levinstein, a crippled girl, paralysed from the waist down, with one lung, one kidney, and mental retardation.

Michal Levinstein:
I'm not retarded!

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
So what? It's a better story if you are. Michal, do you REALLY believe you'll pass the selection program?

Michal Levinstein:
Of course! I have a motto: There's no "Can't", there's only "Won't"!

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
But in your case, there IS "Can't". Can't stand up. Can't run around. Can't feel this... [Gili kicks Levinstein in the shin]

Michal Levinstein:
Owww!

Gili Lahav Nachmani:
Can't swim. Can't dance. Can't go into a room without everyone saying "Ecccch, look at that disgusting cripple... blehhhhh"

Corp. Itay Shulman:
[a nuclear missile must be replaced for a surprise inspection] So, what's your idea?

Michal Levinstein:
Very simple. Find something that looks like a missile --

Corp. Itay Shulman:
And...?

Michal Levinstein:
Paint it in the same colors as a missile --

Corp. Itay Shulman:
And...?

Michal Levinstein:
And those idiots will think it's a rocket!

Corp. Itay Shulman:
And...?

Michal Levinstein:
I'll say it in a way you'll understand. [Makes mocking monkey noises]

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
I don't understand.

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
[on a surprise inspection by the Chief of Logistics] Here on this row are the staplers. Twenty-five thousand units, stainless steel, single-wrapped, and held within a special magnetic field.

Chief of Logistics and Maintenance:
Very nice, Shukrun.

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
Here are the magic markers. Seventeen thousand regular units, and thirty-five thousand neon pink markers, kept at a temperature of minus five degrees.

Chief of Logistics and Maintenance:
Excellent work, Shukrun.

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
[passing by a room with overturned barrels and pools of radioactive goo] And that's where we store the uranium and the battle rations.

Chief of Logistics and Maintenance:
Very good, Shukrun.

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
So, what's new, dad? How's work?

Hanuka's Dad:
Terrible. The Income Tax Bureau uncovered us.

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
What, for the market stand?

Hanuka's Dad:
No, they don't know about that. They discovered about the auto garages.

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
Ah, the Hanu-Car chain...

Hanuka's Dad:
Yeah, they went through our books, and found out that in 2001 we had a 5 million shekel turnover, and we didn't pay enough income tax.

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
How much did you pay?

Hanuka's Dad:
A hundred and thirty shekels.

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
Psssshhhh... How did they catch on?

Hanuka's Dad:
I don't know! But now they want to foreclose the whole chain!

Corp. Shlomi Hanuka:
Bastards.

Hanuka's Dad:
These Ashkenazi Jews, it kills them to see a Sephardi Jew make a good living.

Adiso's Dad:
[Adiso's family have hitched a ride with a shady building contractor. They are sitting in the back with three illegal immigrant construction workers] Are we there yet?

Dudu Tapuah:
Ok, here's the deal. You do the plaster, and you and you, mix the cement. Let's go.

Adiso's Dad:
I'm sorry, but there's some mistake here. We're on our way to visit our son at the army base --

Dudu Tapuah:
Aaaaah, heh, ok, I understand. Then YOU do the plaster, and you and you mix the cement. C'mon! Time is money, let's go!

Adiso's Dad:
What? This is a mistake! [mumbling in Ethiopean]

Illegal Thai Worker:
[in Thai, to his friends] First they take our jobs! Later they'll take our women! And then they'll take over our whole country!

Promotional video for the "Better Future in Israel" company:
[in Russian] This is Svetlana. A year ago she was just another poor girl from the Ukraine who has never heard of Ashkelon. She had an empty refrigerator, a pair of worn socks, no heating in the winter, no air conditioning in the summer, and no friends. Until one day, she signed up with the "Better Future in Israel" company! One year later, Svetlana now runs a high-tech firm in the Ramat-Gan stock exchange. She has hundreds of clients, takes care of senior citizens, and sends thousands of dollars back home to the Ukraine every month. The "Better Future in Israel" company - the company that will set you up for a great life in Israel! [speaking quietly and quickly] In accordance with company directives, and with no guarantees of success. Some of the stages in the program may include forced sexual engagements. In case of arrest the company guarantees to deny any involvement.

Dudu Tapuah:
You know, Shukrun, I look around me and I see the very same landscape that King David himself saw, 3000 years ago.

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
It really is a beautiful landscape.

Dudu Tapuah:
And as I stand before this breathtaking view, you know what I'm thinking about?

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
What?

Dudu Tapuah:
A shopping mall! Seven levels of shops and five thousand parking spaces!

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
Wow.

Dudu Tapuah:
Who owns all this land? The military?

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
Nah, no way. It belongs to that Beduin man that lives nearby.

Dudu Tapuah:
No kidding... He owns it all?

Warrent Officer Gavriel Shukrun:
For now. We took the land the base was built on in 1967. But the rest... heh, there's still some time before we take that.

Corp. Itay Shulman:
Nadia, there's something I've been wanting to say to you... [translates out of a Hebrew-Russian Dictionary] I... Love... You.

Nadia the Russian Prostitute:
[takes the dictionary] Fifty... Shekels... For a "number"... Thirty... in the mouth.

News Anchor:
Today, in the west-bank settlement of Hanan'el, five-year-old Se'orah was wounded by a stone thrown by terrorists. The IDF responded by killing forty two Palestinians, and injuring a hundred and twenty.

Al-Jazeera Shopping Channel Hotline:
[Abbed calls up the Al-Jazeera Shopping Channel Hotline] Welcome to the Al-Jazeera Shopping Channel Hotline. To place an order, press "1". For customer services, press "2". [Abbed presses "2"] For the miracle suicide bomb, press "5". For the biomechanical sheep, press "6". [Abbed presses "6"] If you admit that you're a failure at mechanics and couldn't put the sheep together yourself, press "#". If your male ego doesn't allow you to admit failure, press "*".