Shrek the Third

Shrek:
Listen, Artie, eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill, or raise your roof or whatever. But what I am screaming is, "Yo! Check out this kazing thazing, bazaby!" I mean, if it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying ain't straight tripping, just say, "Oh, no, you didn't! You know, you're getting on my last nerve." And then, I'll know it's...then I'll, I'll know it's whack!

Shrek:
[While Artie begs to Merlin to take them back] Have a heart, old man.

Shrek:
If Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his-

Shrek:
[out of nowhere looking at Prince Charming] Break a leg, or on second thought let me break it for you.

Donkey:
[singing to Shrek and Fiona] Good morning... good morning... to you and you and you.

Donkey:
[after seeing the villains, with Captain Hook on a piano] Look out! They got a piano!

Donkey:
(discovering Shrek nude in bed) AAAAH!! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!

Donkey:
[at the end of Shrek's dream sequence, with an ogre baby head] Dada.

Donkey:
[Donkey and Puss have just switched bodies] How in the Hans Christen Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots?!

Arthur:
[to Shrek ] Please don't eat me.

Arthur:
[after Shrek tries to talk to him with clichéd teenager lingo] SOMEBODY, HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER WHO'S TRYING TO RELATE TO ME!!

Captain:
Land Ho! [as ship crashes into island]

Snow White:
Everybody keep calm... WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! [before getting slapped by Doris]

Captain Hook:
Avast, ye cookie. Start talking.

Gingy:
The only thing you'll ever be king of is King of the Stupids!

Dwarf:
[drunk] Hey, watch it! I'm walking here and I'm gonna keep going until...

Doris:
You poor sweet things.

Cinderella:
I don't get it.

Snow White:
The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet... What's to get?

Doris:
I know he's a jerk and all but I gotta admit that Charming makes me hotter than July.

Princesses:
EW!

Snow White:
I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me!

Sleeping Beauty:
[while being carried by Doris] Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow.

Snow White:
Well, maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land!

Rapunzel:
You mean in that *RIGGED* election?

Snow White:
Oh, give me a break. [dreamy voice] "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, [sarcastic voice] let down thy golden extensions."

Queen Lillian:
Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.

[Rapunzel has betrayed the princesses in order to be with Prince Charming]

Charming:
Say hello to the new queen of Far Far Away!

Cinderella:
Yay! [claps]

[Awkward pause]

Fiona:
Rapunzel, how could you?

Rapunzel:
Jealous much?

Snow White:
Right! Ladies, assume the position!

[Sleeping Beauty falls asleep, Snow White lies down in her coffin pose, and Cinderella seats herself on the floor gazing dreamily into space.]

Princess Fiona:
What are you doing?

Sleeping Beauty:
[Snaps awake] Waiting to be rescued. [falls back asleep]

Shrek:
[looking at Artie talking with princesses] See, what'd I tell ya? The kid's gonna make a great king.

Fiona:
For what it's worth, you would have too.

Shrek:
[rubs Fiona's stomach] I have something much more important in mind.

Captain Hook:
[looming over a young boy threateningly with his hook] Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan!

Boy's Mother:
His name's not Peter!

Captain Hook:
Shut it, Wendy.

Donkey:
Wor-ces-ter-shiree? Now, that sounds fancy!

Shrek :
It's Worcestershire.

Donkey:
Like the sauce? Mmmmm. IT'S SPICY!

Artie:
[To Shrek] Please don't eat me.

Students and Teacher:
[chanting] Eat him, eat him...

Shrek:
I'm not here to eat him!

Students and Teacher:
Aww...

Shrek:
It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new king of Far Far Away.

Artie:
What?

Gingy:
I hate dinner theatre!

Pinocchio:
Me too. [nose grows]

Rapunzel:
But pooky, you said you wouldn't hurt them.

Prince Charming:
Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later.

Prince Charming:
You! You can't lie. So tell me, puppet... Where... is... Shrek?

Pinocchio:
Uh. Hmm, well, uh, I don't know where he's not.

Prince Charming:
You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?

Pinocchio:
It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that it is or isn't almost partially incorrect.

Prince Charming:
So you *do* know where he is!

Pinocchio:
On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably...

Prince Charming:
Stop it!

Pinocchio:
...do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be, if that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't at where I knew he was, that'd mean I'd really have to know where he wasn't.

Artie:
[after guards try to kill them, Artie comes up with a plan] Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you!

Shrek:
[playing along, acting like a spoiled celebrity] Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs.

Artie:
He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek.

Shrek:
I'm gonna lose it! [before continuing trying to keep his cool]

Artie:
I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room?

Donkey:
[playing along] Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. [aggravated] Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño homey butter, 'cause our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño honey butter!

Shrek:
I just lost it.

[Donkey turns eyes at Shrek even more aggravated]

Guard:
Perhaps we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources.

Puss:
Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise!

Donkey [in Puss' body]:
Alright people, Let's do this thing. Go, Team Dynamite!

Pinocchio:
But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool.

Gingy:
As I recall, it was Team Awesome!

Wolf:
I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.

Donkey:
Alright, Alright, Alright! From henceforth, we shall be known as Team Alpha-Super-Awesome-Cool-Dynamite-Wolf-Squadron.

Puss in Boots:
[talking to a female cat] It's out of my hands, señorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life.

Female cat:
Meeaow.

Puss in Boots:
[very quickly] I gotta go!

And They Lived Happily Never After.

He's In For The Royal Treatment.

The Wait Is Ogre.

Gingy:
Whew! This is worse than love letters. I hate dinner theater!

Pinocchio:
Me too. [Nose grows]

Donkey:
[Referring to his Dronkeys] They grow up so fast.

Shrek:
[Annoyed by their intrusion] Not fast enough.

[At the Poison Apple Pub]

Prince Charming:
What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? [Mabel turns around in front of him] Ah, Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. Where's Doris, taking the night off?

Mabel:
She's not welcome here and neither are you. [spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel] What do you want, Charming?

Charming:
Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... [laughs] and a Fuzzy Navel. [stands up and turns to the villains] And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends!

[Captain Hook angrily rips across the piano keys with his hook, the Singing witch angrily bares her teeth at Charming, the Evil Queen angrily breaks her pool cue stick, and Stromboli angrily breaks his beer mug]

Captain Hook:
We're not your friends. [Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar; he then places his hook against his neck] And you, don't belong here.

Charming:
You are right, oh, I mean, you are absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us?

Cyclops:
Do a number on his face!!!

Charming:
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. [to the Evil Queen] Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White and then what happened?

Evil Queen:
Oh, what's it to you?

Charming:
They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel?

Evil Queen:
[remorsefully] Pretty unfair.

Charming:
[to Stromboli] And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father.

Stromboli:
I hate that little wooden puppet.

Charming:
And Hook...need I say more? [Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage] And you! Frumpy-pigskin.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Rumpelstiltskin.

Charming:
Where's that first-born you were promised? [Rumpelstiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm; turns to Mabel] Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? [Mabel sighs depressingly] Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating bonbons, cavorting with every little last fairy-tale creature that has ever done you wrong!! [turns his attention to the villains] Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?!

[The villains cheer rowdily and start to have a big brawl in the pub. Charming looks and drinks his Fuzzy Navel]

[as Shrek stands in front of the group of ogre babies naked wearing a graduation cap, all of the ogre babies laugh at him]

Shrek:
[screams, stands up; groans] Donkey? Donkey, wake up!

[Donkey and Puss have ogre baby heads, intimidating him, who screamed]

"Donkey":
Da-da.

[Shrek woke up screaming, revealing it was a dream; Donkey and Puss in Boots are wide awake]

Donkey:
Shrek, are you okay?

Shrek:
Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna be a father! How did this happen?

Puss in Boots:
Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him.

Shrek:
I know how it happened! I just can't believe it.

Donkey:
[to Puss] How did that happen?

Arthur Pendragon:
[to Shrek] Please, don't eat me.

Students and Teacher:
Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him!

Shrek:
I'm not here to eat him!

Students and Teacher:
[groaning] Aww. Aww.

Shrek:
It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You are the new king of Far Far Away.

Arthur:
What?

Arthur "Artie" Pendragon:
This is lame.

Merlin:
[Whacks him] You're lame.

[Rapunzel has betrayed the princesses in order to be with Prince Charming]

Fiona:
Charming, let go of her!

Prince Charming:
But why would I want to do that?

Rapunzel:
[looks at Charming; dreamily] Grrrrrrrrrrr!

Prince Charming:
[looks at Rapunzel] Woof!

[They both share a kiss in the princesses' shock]

Fiona:
[anonymous] What?

Prince Charming:
Say hello to the new queen of Far Far Away!

Cinderella:
Yay! [claps]

[Awkward pause]

Fiona:
Rapunzel, how could you?

Rapunzel:
Jealous much?

[After Merlin sends Shrek, Donkey, Artie and Puss back to Far, Far Away]

Donkey:
[voiceover; groans] I have not been on a trip like that since college.

[Shrek and Artie are surprised]

Shrek:
Donkey?

Donkey:
[confused] What? Is there something in my teeth? [gasps in shock]

[Donkey looks around himself. He is in Puss's body!]

Donkey:
What the-? Oh, no! I have been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feasting second-rate sidekick!

[Puss, in Donkey's body, falls on the ground]

Puss:
[voiceover; groans] At least you don't look like some kinda bloated roadside piñata! You should think about going on a diet!

Donkey:
Yeah, you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants. [covers himself as if being naked] I feel all exposed and nasty!

[Shrek and Artie laugh]

Donkey:
Oh, so you two think this is funny?

Shrek:
[confronts Charming in the dressing room] Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.

Charming:
Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. [presses a button as Shrek grabs him]

Shrek:
Where's Fiona?

Charming:
Don't worry. She and the others are safe...for now. [grins evilly]

[The guards burst in and holds Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down]

Charming:
[Walking up to Artie] Let me guess. Arthur.

Artie:
[Facing him] It's "Artie", actually.

Charming:
This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? [laughs and held the dagger to Artie's throat] How pathetic. Stand still so I won't make a mess.

Shrek:
Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him.

Artie:
Then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right?

Shrek:
You weren't really next in line for the throne, I was!

Artie:
But you said the king asked for me personally.

Shrek:
Not exactly.

Artie:
What does that mean?

Shrek:
I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill, so just go!

Artie:
[hurt and angry] You were playing me the whole time.

Shrek:
You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought.

[Donkey tries to reason with Artie, but Puss stops him]

Artie:
You know, for a minute...I actually thought.

Charming:
What, that he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? [Artie breaks free from the guards and looks at Shrek before storming out the dressing room in anger. Shrek feels guilty] You really do have a way with children, Shrek.

[The guards forced Shrek out of the room]

Fiona:
Where's Shrek?

Donkey:
Charming has got him, Princess! And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom!

Fiona:
[to the princesses] Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now.

Snow White:
Right. Ladies, assume the position!

[Sleeping Beauty falls asleep, Snow White lies down in her coffin pose, and Cinderella seats herself on the floor gazing dreamily into space]

Fiona:
What are you doing?

Sleeping Beauty:
[snaps awake] Waiting to be rescued. [falls back asleep]

Artie:
Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? [all the villains raise their hands] You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives?

Hook:
But we are villains. It's the only thing we know.

Artie:
Didn't you ever wish you could be something else?

Evil Tree Steve:
Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree.

Charming:
You morons. Don't listen to him. Attack them!!

Evil Tree Ed:
[covering Charming's mouth] What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you.

Evil Tree Steve:
Right. Thanks, Ed.

Artie:
Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know, a good friend of mine once told me...that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre, or just some loser, doesn't mean you are one. The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want or someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way...is you.

Rumpelstiltskin:
Me?

Guard:
Get him, lads!

Artie:
No, no! What I mean is, each of you, is standing in your own way.

Villains:
Oh.

Headless Horseman:
I've always wanted to play the flute.

Evil Queen:
I did like to open up a spa in France!

Hook:
I grow daffodils, and they're beautiful.

Shrek:
You need to work on your aim.

Charming:
This was supposed to be my Happily Ever After!!

Shrek:
Well, I guess you need to keep looking. [looks at Fiona lovingly, then back at Charming] 'Cause I'm not giving up mine!

Charming:
Mommy?!

Donkey:
[normal voice] I'm me again!

Puss:
[normal voice] And I'm not you!

Merlin:
Oops. [realizes that Puss and Donkey's tails were swapped, then walks away] Ah, never mind.

[First lines; The movie begins with a familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane]

Prince Charming:
Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming!

[Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience]

Gingerbread Man:
This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater!

Pinocchio:
Me, too. [his nose grows]

Prince Charming:
[rides to the base of the tower] Whoa there, Chauncey! [dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose]

Actress:
[as the princess, leaning from the tower window] Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth.

Prince Charming:
[puffing his chest out] Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king.

[An old couple at a table look confused]

Old Lady:
[to the old man] What did she say?

[Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. The whole crowd erupts into applause]

Gingerbread Man:
Yeah! It's Shrek!

Little Pigs & Pinocchio:
Whoo, Shrek, yeah!

Prince Charming:
[ignoring the cheers, pulls out his sword, and confronts the Shrek-like beast] Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!

Waiter:
[singing while carrying a birthday cake] Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee

Prince Charming:
Do you mind?! [hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade]

Gingerbread Man:
Do you mind?! Boring!

[The audience laugh]

Prince Charming:
[glares at them, then rises to recover, and points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple] Prepare, foul beast... [looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience] Someday, you'll be sorry.

Heckler:
[off-screen] We already are!

[They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits]

Ogre Mascot:
Grr!

[The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture]

Prince Charming:
[heavy sobs] Mommy... [weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face] You're right. I can't let this happen. I CAN'T! [looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high] I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother, I will restore dignity to my throne! [a big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd] And this time, no one will stand in my way. [crumples up the newspaper in his fists]

Princess Fiona:
[feeling her stomach] Shrek!

Shrek:
[calling out to her] Yeah?!

Princess Fiona:
Wait!

Shrek:
What is it?!

Princess Fiona:
[taking a deep breath] I'm...I'm... [but was cut off by the ship captain's fog horn]

Shrek:
[laughs] I love you too, honey!

Princess Fiona:
No! No, I said I'm- [cut off by the fog horn again]

Shrek:
[grabs the fog horn from the captain, and throws it overboard] You're what?!

Princess Fiona:
I said I'm pregnant!

[The fairytale creatures cheer]

Shrek:
[can't believe his ears] Oh...what was that?!

Princess Fiona:
You're going to be a father!

Shrek:
[nervous laugh] That's great.

Princess Fiona:
Really?! I'm glad you think so! I love you!?

Shrek:
[smiles back at Fiona] Yeah... [nervous laugh] Me, too. You...

[Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing]

Donkey:
[pops up onto the railing] I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!!!

Puss in Boots:
Oh, and you, my friend, are royally- [the different fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog]

[Shrek and Puss in Boots search the hallways, looking for Artie]

Shrek:
Oh, Arthur, come out, come out, wherever you are!

[Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss in Boots look as Donkey bursts out of the locker. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing]

Donkey:
[angrily] Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! 'Cause the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over!

[An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped to Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a hall monitor who stops them]

Hall Monitor:
Hold it.

[Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor]

Student 1:
We're here for the mascot contest.

Student 2:
Grr!

[The hall monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea]

Shrek:
[pleased with himself] We're here for the mascot contest, too.

Hall Monitor:
[suspicious] This is a costume? [reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin]

Shrek:
[trying to hide the pain] Ay! Worked on it all night long. [struggling not to scream in agony]

Hall Monitor:
[lets Shrek's face snap back into the place, and still suspicious] Looks pretty real to me.

Puss in Boots:
If he were real, could I do this? [he throws his Batarangs deep into Shrek's butt]

Donkey:
Or this? [kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs]

Shrek:
[winces, sweats, and unbelievably strained] If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.

Donkey:
Now watch this!

Shrek:
[interrupting; through gritted teeth] That's quite enough, boys.

Puss:
What did I say?

Shrek:
[to Artie shortly after they crash the boat] If you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another! And you're gonna be a father!

Arthur Pendragon:
[confused] What?

Donkey:
[to Shrek] You just said father!

Shrek:
[to Artie] I said...king, you're gonna be king!

Artie:
[imitating Shrek] You're gonna be king! [reverts back to his normal voice] Yeah, right. [walks away]

Shrek:
Where do you think you're going?!

Arthur Pendragon:
Far, far away, from YOU!!!

Shrek:
You get back here, young man! Now, I mean it!

[But Artie walks away again]

Shrek:
Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be.

Shrek:
Well, somebody better be dying.

Shrek:
Better out than in, I always say. [chuckles]

Shrek:
[screams, groans] Donkey. Donkey! Wake up!

Shrek:
Oh, Arthur, come out, come out, wherever you are!

Shrek:
We're here for the mascot contest, too.

Shrek:
Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon?